#fanitus

He felt the familiar jolt of adrenaline rush through his system from the geass. Suzaku barely kept himself from gritting his teeth and giving himself away. The geass was an abhorrent thing, but it could be useful in the right situation. He curled his fingers into a fist, jerking abruptly upright when someone touched his arm.

He glanced over at where Lelouch was curled by his side, ignoring him in favor of scouring the cell. From what he could see, the cell was the same as it had been before he had fallen asleep. The tray with their breakfast was on one of the benches, Lelouch’s still half eaten. His gaze jumped to the beams of light that made up the front of the cell, casting the small room in strange teal light. Suzaku’s stomach twisted at he looked at the door. The knot of nerves disappeared when he saw that the door was closed.

Suzaku frowned and leaned back against the wall, still nervously scanning the cell. There had been movement, that’s what had startled him awake. But the only one in the cell was Lelouch. Suzaku dug his nails into his palm before turning his head.

Lelouch was curled by his side, looking far more awake then he had in weeks. He was looking around the room just as warily as Suzaku. Lelouch glanced his way before quickly looking away, his fingers drumming a nervous tattoo against his leg. His mouth opened, probably to ask a question, but Lelouch snapped it shut just as quickly.

Suzaku shook his head and settled himself more comfortably. They weren’t in any danger, which meant that he could relax until the guards came back with their dinner. In the meantime, he could try to make some kind of plan.

The Emperor had ordered him to look after the newly created Julius Kingsley for the duration of his mission. It didn’t matter that Lelouch was safe enough in the cell at the moment, the important thing was Shin Hyuga Shaing. Grand Duke Velaines was being encouraged to treason by Shaing, for whatever reason the knight had come up with. Suzaku didn’t have enough to see what the Euro-Britannian faction was planning. It was almost enough for him to wish that Lelouch was in his right mind. Almost.

He shivered at the thought. It was all too easy to imagine what Lelouch might choose to do. With his rage and the corruption of the geass, Lelouch would give everything to destroy Britannia and his father. He had used Nunnally for his own purposes. He had killed Euphemia for his own glory and his damn rebellion. Suzaku could only be relieved that V.V. had managed to get Nunnally out of the way before Lelouch could do the same to her.

Suzaku breathed out slowly, trying to force the image of Nunnally bleeding out like Euphemia had.

He jumped when a hand rested on his shoulder. Suzaku twisted to glance at Lelouch, not surprised when Lelouch leaned back. He didn’t care how hostile he looked. He was cold, miserable and stuck in a cell with the last person on earth that he wanted to be close to.

Lelouch scooted back from him, clearing a small space between them. It was barely enough room, but Suzaku doubted that an order for Lelouch to go back to the benches would do anything. Now that he wasn’t babbling on about sunflowers and water, Suzaku had no idea where Lelouch’s mind was. For all he knew, he could be stuck in the cell with Julius and that would be the last thing that he needed. Julius would just rage at the indignity with all of the useless anger of a puffed up noble. And that would get them nowhere but frustration.

He rolled slightly to the side so he wouldn’t have to see Lelouch out of the corner of his eye.

Lelouch let out a hurt huff. “I don’t understand. I thought…it is Suzaku. Suzaku Kururugi?”

Suzaku curled in on himself, trying to shrink himself down. The movement seemed to just encourage Lelouch, Suzaku frowning when Lelouch scooted around to sit in front of him.

Lelouch leaned forward, staring into his face. Suzaku shifted under the scrutiny, relieved when Lelouch rocked back onto his heels. “It is you Suzaku…” He sounded so relieved, nothing like the last time they had talked as Suzaku to Lelouch. He felt his heart beat a little faster, but he tried to ignore it.

This Lelouch was a lie, just as much as Julius Kingsley was. Suzaku didn’t know what the real Lelouch was, and he didn’t want to find out. It was easier to hang onto his anger.

He kept his gaze fixed on the wall as Lelouch shifted closer, closing his eyes as he heard Lelouch take a deep breath.

“Why are we here? Where are we? Where’s the truck?”

Suzaku’s eyes snapped open at the mention of the truck. He sat up slightly, watching as Lelouch got to his feet. He started to pace around the sides of the cell. Lelouch paused by the clear walls, squinting through the teal light and out into the hall. He was still for a moment before he slammed a fist into the wall.

“Damn it. I told that captain that I wasn’t a terrorist. He should have been able to tell.” Lelouch pushed away from the front of their cell and paced frantically around the plastic. “I’m not a terrorist.”

Suzaku couldn’t help a bark of laughter at the declaration.

The sound just seemed to annoy Lelouch more. He stopped pacing to spin and glare at Suzaku. His irritation quickly changed to desperation as he stepped toward Suzaku. “You believe me, right? You defended me.”

Suzaku shook his head, not sure if Lelouch even saw it. Lelouch had gone back to pacing, a hand buried in his hair.

“They don’t even have poison gas. It’s just a girl. I don’t know what terrorists would want with her or why she was like that. She could be a criminal, but it’s obvious that she’s not with them. It’s no reason to shoot-” Lelouch cut himself off abruptly. He pivoted to look at Suzaku, his eyes wide with fear.

Suzaku stared at Lelouch before he started to make sense of the questions and half coherent comments. It took Suzaku far longer than it should have to figure out what Lelouch was talking about.

Lelouch thought they were back underground in Shinjuku, back where they had reunited, back before Lelouch had pushed the world to hell. He must have worked his way through his memories up to that point while Suzaku had been sleeping. Suzaku inspected Lelouch, searching for a sign that the emperor’s geass had weakened. If it had, then there was no visual way for Suzaku to tell and Lelouch had been acting erratic since the moment he had been introduced as Julius Kingsley.

He huffed and shifted against the wall, steeling himself against listening to the same round of memories until Lelouch moved on again. If that was the case, then Suzaku was sure that he would quickly come to regret taking that shot for Lelouch.

“Suzaku? Can you stand? Where did it hit you?” Lelouch leaned towards him, his hands twitching by his sides. “Please, Suzaku.”

He watched Lelouch warily, unable to keep himself from reaching down to touch the old scar. He cursed a moment later when Lelouch’s gaze dropped down with the motion. He heard Lelouch suck in a quick breath before he moved.

Suzaku expected Lelouch to come to him, but Lelouch started toward the door. Lelouch peered out of the small window, Suzaku not sure if Lelouch actually saw the cell blocks or the abandoned subway tunnel. Whichever he saw, it wasn’t what he wanted because Lelouch turned back to look at him.

“That bastard and to a Knight of the Round too. To a royal guard.” Lelouch’s gaze unfocused as he worked through the disconnect in his memories, but it didn’t distract him for long.

He dropped to his knees beside Suzaku, reaching for the hand that Suzaku had pressed against his side before he pulled his own hand back. “We can’t leave, not without attracting attention.”

Suzaku shook his head. He didn’t want to risk the emperor’s anger if he encouraged Lelouch to rush into hostile territory. Emperor Charles must have a reason for keeping Lelouch alive instead of executing him like he should have been. If he lost Lelouch, then he lost the best chance he had at becoming the Knight of One. In the few months he had spent with the Knights of the Round, he had learned that he needed leverage to get anywhere. Being exemplary with a Knightmare meant nothing when the rest of the Rounds were just as good, if not better.

He glanced up at Lelouch, shaking his head. “We’re safer here.”

Lelouch grumbled and dropped into a more comfortable siting position. “You can’t be serious. There has to be somewhere better to hide.”

“Where?”

His shoulders slumped at the question. Lelouch glanced around at the room one more time before he appeared to give up. Lelouch leaned his shoulder against the wall his gaze going vacant. Suzaku was sure that Lelouch had gone back to pushing through the memory. Suzaku braced himself to a repeat of the memory.

Lelouch kept silent for a moment before he slumped forward. He crossed his legs, his hands closing around his ankles. “At least the girl got away.”

Suzaku tensed at the mention of the girl. He had spotted her around Lelouch before and V.V. had been vague about what she really was. The only impression that Suzaku had gotten was that she was trouble and that she might come after Lelouch. At least that was something, the chance that the girl might come and help them, if she even knew where they were. Suzaku was sure that no one had any idea where they were, not even the emperor himself.

His gaze drifted back to the door, Suzaku listening for the sound of the guards. He hadn’t been able to figure out a good schedule with all cell block strangely silent. Suzaku rubbed his fingers against his side, stopping the motion when Lelouch looked back at him.

Lelouch leaned over, his gaze focused on Suzaku’s hand. He reached forward, his gaze becoming more focused. “Is that where…Let me see it.”

The command made him tense, Suzaku staring at Lelouch. He halfway expected the familiar tug of geass to take hold, but it didn’t. Suzaku wasn’t sure that the geass could be used if Lelouch had forgotten that he had the power.

He pressed his hand more securely against the old scar, surprised at the worried sound that Lelouch made. Lelouch scooted forward, his eyes tracing something that wasn’t there. “Suzaku, please.”

Suzaku sighed and lifted his hand. He looked away as Lelouch scrambled forward, trying to ignore the relieved sound that Lelouch made. He was just doing this to keep Lelouch quiet. It wouldn’t do to have him shouting for help because he thought that Suzaku was dying. If Lelouch was cycling through the memory then he would be panicking over the gunshot wound multiple times and Suzaku was sure that the guards wouldn’t have the patience for it.

He shivered when Lelouch tugged up his shirt, his cold fingers sliding along the side. Lelouch’s fingers traced over the line of the scar, Suzaku twitching at the touch. Lelouch didn’t seem to notice, he was too busy pulling his hand back to stare at his fingers.

Lelouch rubbed his fingers together, smearing whatever he imagined all over them. Suzaku guessed that it was blood from the way that Lelouch recoiled.

That more than anything was proof that Lelouch was starting to imagine things. Suzaku hadn’t bled much when he had been shot, it had mostly been bruises and cracked ribs. He had only needed stitches for the fragments of glass that had gotten stuck in his side from the watch. But Lelouch hadn’t been there for that.

Lelouch breathed a sigh of relief and wiped his fingers on his pants. “It only grazed you. That’s good.” He reached out to run his fingers over the scar again. “That’s good.”

From the way he sounded, Lelouch was drifting off again. Suzaku shifted under the gentle touch, trying to move out of reach. At this rate, he preferred the Lelouch that was constantly reliving that summer. Lelouch had stayed far away from him then, which had been better.

He scooted further away from Lelouch, freezing when Lelouch looked up at him in awe and longing. “Suzaku? What are you doing here? Why are you…” Lelouch’s hand slid out from underneath Suzaku’s shirt, moving to rest against the gold. “You’re a Knight of the Round? But how?”

Suzaku rolled his eyes and reached down to grab onto Lelouch’s wrist. He intended to shove Lelouch’s hand away, but Lelouch clung on.

“What are you doing here? This place is dangerous. There’s terrorists and poison gas. We have to get out.”

“And back to Nunnally?”

He meant it to be sarcastic, but Lelouch seemed to take it as sincere. Lelouch nodded and tugged on Suzaku’s head. “They won’t show this on the news, but Nunnally will still be worried. But this will help. You have no idea how much this will mean to us. We’ve missed you.”

Lelouch smiled up at him, Suzaku feeling his stomach twist. He hated himself for it, but it was hard when Lelouch looked like he had before he had been corrupted by the geass. It was like when they had met after seven years. Suzaku had been so hopeful that everything might go back to the way it had been before. He had been so happy to have Lelouch and Nunnally back in his life. Except now he found himself thinking over the times that they had been together, looking for instances of lying. So far, he couldn’t come up with a single instance that Lelouch hadn’t lied to him. Suzaku might not have been completely forthright, but he had tried to keep as close to the truth as he had been allowed.

Lelouch shifted his hand in Suzaku’s, Suzaku sucking in a quick breath when their fingers slid together for a moment. Lelouch didn’t seem to be as affected. Instead, his gaze moved away to look around the room. He seemed to be put off by the bars at the front of their cell. It didn’t seem to register for too long, Lelouch turning his head to look at Suzaku.

Despite the worry on his face, Lelouch’s smile eased. Suzaku recognized the smile as similar to the one that he gave Nunnally when she was around. Once, Suzaku would have cherished the smile because it was special, because it meant that he belonged somewhere. Which had made it hurt all the more when Lelouch had ruined it all.

He could feel himself shaking, not sure if it was anger or just longing, and that just made it worse. He didn’t want to miss and want Lelouch, but he did. He didn’t want to spend his time looking for signs that the old Lelouch was coming back or that the geass had somehow fixed Lelouch. Suzaku didn’t even thing that geass worked that way, but that didn’t stop him from wishing for the lie back. The lie had to be better than nothing.

Then again, the lie wouldn’t bring back Euphemia. The lie wouldn’t get Lelouch the punishment that he deserved. The world would have been better without Lelouch, but Suzaku couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the idea of a world without Lelouch. It was a contradiction that drove him crazy, which was why he didn’t think about it for too long. But there wasn’t much else to think about, not while stuck in a cell with Lelouch.

He swallowed and looked down at Lelouch, his gaze jumping from Lelouch’s smile to his eyes. They were clear, the left one without the horrible red tinge or the flaw that Suzaku had sometimes caught sight of during the flight to Britannia. There were times that Suzaku had thought he had seen the strange bird shape when Julius had taken off his eyepatch, but even that was gone.

The eyepatch was gone too, discarded on the bench that Lelouch had claimed as his own. Suzaku glanced back at the bench, resisting the urge to go and retrieve it. He would feel better with it back over Lelouch’s cursed eye. Then he wouldn’t be Lelouch anymore, he would be Julius Kingsley and there wouldn’t be any of the confusion. It was easier just to hate Julius Kingsley because he was a self-centered noble. Suzaku could spend a few days in the cell with Julius Kingsley, or anyone else, just as long as it wasn’t Lelouch.

He shifted his grip, ready to push Lelouch back and away from him so he could have the space to think. He curled his fingers around Lelouch’s shoulders, trying to will himself to just shove Lelouch away. It had been so easy before. He had even shot at Lelouch. Somehow, shooting at Lelouch was easier than pushing him away. And, through all of his struggles, Lelouch just kept looking at Suzaku like he was happy to see him.

Suzaku let his breath hiss out between his teeth, trying to hold onto his resolve. He could feel it crumbling with every moment that he hesitated. Suzaku started at Lelouch, letting out his next breath in a rush. “Damn it.”

Lelouch looked surprised for a moment, but Suzaku didn’t let that last for too long. He hauled Lelouch forward and kissed him.

He felt Lelouch freeze, Suzaku using that advantage to partially pull Lelouch into his lap. He slid one hand up into Lelouch’s hair, canting his head to the side to get a better angle.

It took Lelouch a moment to shake off his shock. He hesitantly leaned into the kiss, Suzaku encouraging Lelouch with a gentle scrape of his nails against Lelouch’s scalp.

Lelouch hummed Suzaku about the chase the sound when Lelouch suddenly pushed him more firmly against the wall. Suzaku gasped in surprise, Lelouch taking advantage of the slight opening of his mouth.

With Lelouch leading it kiss it was rougher and clumsier than Suzaku would have preferred, but it was enthusiastic, just like everything else that Lelouch did.

He found himself smiling into the kiss, Suzaku sliding his other hand up to rest against the side of Lelouch’s face. Lelouch leaned into the touch, letting up a fraction. Suzaku used his new position to ease the kiss into something bearable. There was still some part of him that wanted to keep it hard and harsh, but he resisted the urge, letting his eyes fall closed. Like that, he could pretend that it was just Lelouch, no Zero, not the Lelouch that had stood and laughed at him at Kamine Island. This was the Lelouch of Ashford Academy, the Lelouch from that summer.

He made a soft sound, Lelouch the one to make a comforting noise. Lelouch reached up to stroke the sound of his neck. Suzaku assumed that it was meant to calm him, but he didn’t want it. A gentle touch wasn’t enough of an apology.

Suzaku opened his eyes as Lelouch pulled away to pant for breath. His violet eyes were partially unfocused, but Suzaku wasn’t sure if it was because of the kiss or his memories. He didn’t care either way, not when Lelouch was absently rubbing circles on his neck with his fingers.

Lelouch kept up the motion for a moment before lifting his hand away. “This might not be the best place.”

Suzaku reached out to catch Lelouch’s hand before the man could move away more. He looked at Lelouch, shaking his head. “They won’t come here.”

He couldn’t bring himself to stay that they were safe because that wasn’t true, but Lelouch wasn’t thinking about the guards that Shaing has posted. The soldiers he was worried about were long dead.

Lelouch rocked in place, looking between the door and Suzaku. Finally he decided which required his immediate attention. Lelouch leaned forward until his forehead rested against Suzaku’s. “This isn’t my first choice.”

Suzaku huffed. “What choice do we have?”

He tried to ignore the question himself. He had plenty of choices, but he had made a career of making bad ones. Suzaku didn’t see why he should stop now. For once, he would take something that he wanted. Besides, he was sure that Lelouch wouldn’t remember it when the memory came back around. He would get a clean slate, whether he wanted one or not.

Lelouch didn’t pick up on his hesitation. He just shrugged and shifted on Suzaku’s lap, his fingers sliding into Suzaku’s hair. Suzaku shivered at the meaningless patterns that were traced against his scalp. He let his eyes close, not opening them as he heard Lelouch huff out a laugh.

“We have a lot of choices, Suzaku.” His fingers tightened in Suzaku’s hair when he tried to shake his head. “No, we do.”

“We could stay here.” Suzaku almost hated how he sounded like he was pleading with Lelouch, but he didn’t want to break the careful spell that the two of them had manage to spin around themselves. He let his fingers drift up Lelouch’s neck, tracing out the dips, muscles and sinews that he found there. His fingers slipped over to Lelouch’s pulse point, Suzaku putting just enough pressure to feel the beat of Lelouch’s heart.

He was quiet as he counted out the beats. They just told him that Lelouch was alive, a state that Suzaku was still conflicted on. If he could have the pick of what he could get, he wanted to keep this Lelouch. Then again, that would take away his favor with the emperor, and Suzaku wasn’t willing to give that up, not over his chances for the Knight of One. Japan was more important than Lelouch, especially since Lelouch had betrayed him. That he had paid Lelouch back for that didn’t matter. The emperor was the only one who could help him get what wanted. Lelouch’s promises had never done anything for him before.

But that didn’t stop him from missing his friend.

Gentle pressure under his chin encouraged him to look up, Suzaku reluctantly opening his eyes. Lelouch was closer than he expected, but he had nowhere to go with his back pressed against the wall. His breathing picked up, but Lelouch didn’t seem to notice. He kept his fingers against Suzaku’s chin and splayed out in his hair.

He kept looking around, his eyes taking things that only he could see. Lelouch’s fingers tightened in Suzaku’s hair for a moment as something caught his attention. Suzaku didn’t have long to wait for Lelouch to explain. He bit his lip to keep from making a sound when Lelouch slid off his lap.

Lelouch glanced around before reaching down for Suzaku. “We’re getting out of here. Someone needs to look at your wound and we need to find that girl.”

Suzaku was tempted to reach out and pull Lelouch back down. He wanted to live in the moment a little longer and indulge in his own selfishness. If he was going to be stuck in a cell with Lelouch, then he wanted to get something out of it. If not silence then something of the past that he missed. And, the only that he kept Lelouch focused on the memory, the better chance he might have at getting Lelouch to move on to the next one. If that didn’t work, then Suzaku was sure that he would be driven crazy as Lelouch kept circling back to the same moment.

He swallowed and reached up for Lelouch’s hand, stopping himself just short of touching the outstretched fingers. No matter what he wanted, he couldn’t let himself forget. Lelouch was a monster and a murderer. He let his hand drop back to his side, clenching it into a fist. He had to hold onto his anger, because that was the one thing that was driving him. Suzaku didn’t want to find out what he would do if he let go of that.

Confusion flickered across Lelouch’s face, Lelouch opening his mouth to speak Suzaku braced himself for the question only to be distracted by the sound of footsteps in the hall.

He twisted in place, listening hard. It sounded like there were two of them, but they weren’t stopping, so it wasn’t a visitor and his escort or time for the guards to bring them their next meal. But it was a regular patrol, which meant that there was a schedule that he could memorize and then use to escape.

Suzaku grinned to himself and turned around to look back at Lelouch. The smile on his face faltered when he saw the vacant look was back on Lelouch’s face.

Lelouch looked around the cell, his gaze lingering on the bars with more clarity than before. Wrinkles appeared on Lelouch’s forehead as he frowned, Suzaku watching as the hand that had been offered was pulled away. Lelouch pressed the hand against his left eye like it pained him. He swayed in place before turning on his heel and walking back to the bench.

Suzaku uncurled his hands, pressing his palms flat against the ground. He was about to push himself upright when he saw Lelouch reach for the scrap of fabric that had served as Julius’ eyepatch after he had wrecked the first one. Lelouch played with the scrap of fabric before reaching up to tie it in place.

Suzaku slumped against the wall, watching as Lelouch straightened himself out, looking more like Julius with every motion. It didn’t take much for Lelouch to be lost completely as the emperor’s geass reasserted itself.

It should have been a relief to have Lelouch gone, because it meant that the temptation was gone. Suzaku just hadn’t expected it to hurt to so much.

He watched as Julius prowled in front of the bars before turning back to the bench. Julius flopped back onto it, crossing his arms over his chest as he glanced around the cell. His gaze lingered on Suzaku, but it quickly passed over. And, just like that, he was back to being part of the wall.

Suzaku pulled his knees up to his chest, leaning forward until he could press his forehead against them. He gritted his teeth as Julius started talking to himself. The man was raging against the Grand Duke and Shaing, but there were words and phrases that sounded too much like Lelouch. He would just have to tune Julius out again, although it was harder now that he had paid attention to the man once. He dug his fingers into his pants, taking a deep breath as he tried to keep out Julius’ monologue of complaints.

He knew what he had to do. He had to work out how to escape and finish their mission; the latter as best as he could. There was Shaing to be worried about. As far as Suzaku could see, Shaing was the one who posed the most danger to Britannia.

Suzaku pressed his forehead harder against his knees. It was easier when he thought of what to do, it was all just steps on the way to becoming the Knight of One. That was all that mattered; not Julius, not Lelouch, just the dream that he and Euphy had been reaching for.

His fingers twitched as they sought out Euphy’s pin. He hadn’t brought it with him, something that he was glad about. The pin would be safer back in his rooms in Pendragon, which was all the more reason for him to hurry with his mission.

The sooner he was done, the sooner he could finish in Euro-Britannia the sooner he could return to Britannia and focus on his real mission. The sooner he returned, the sooner he could start wigging Japan out of Britannia’s control. The sooner he returned, the sooner he could pass Lelouch off back to the emperor and whatever the emperor wanted could be done. Suzaku would be content with that. All he had to do was convince himself that it was the truth.

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The action calmed him and drowned out the continuation of Julius’ angry rant. He kept still as Julius wound down, the man finally going silent. Suzaku didn’t dare look up and see if Julius had run himself out of ire or if he was sinking back into Lelouch. It was easier to ignore what the silence could mean and focus his attention on anything else. He resettled himself against the wall as he listened for the sounds of the guards walking down the hall and counted the minutes until they could make their escape.