#fanexp

When I had my photo op, I told Joe that this was my first con ever and that he was the whole reason I decided to finally take a chance and attend a con. He smiled so big and his eyes lit up as he told me what an honor it was to hear that. We hugged, they snapped a pic, and as I was walking away he grabbed and squeezed my hand before saying "thank you so much, love" 💖💖

The photo I have with him and the memories I've made at this con have quickly become my most cherished things. Thank you so so much to the amazing friends who let me ride and room with y'all and to all my fellow fans who've made me feel safe and seen in the love I have for this man, both as an actor and as a person.

Just Close Your Eyes and Enjoy the Rollercoaster That Is 2015

In the near five years I have dedicated to the rabbit hole that is One Direction, 2015 has been – without a shadow of a doubt – the most emotionally compromising year. Of course I’m not negating the fact that every year there seems to be some intensely draining and fulfilling moments, because who could forget the Elounor get together and the Illuminati-esque theories of Gretchen and Tina? And who doesn’t fondly look back upon the rumor of Niall “violently masturbating” in Japan? Or how about when Ben Winston produced arguably the worst and most boring music video for “You and I” and ripped off the Clubfeet “Everything You Wanted” video in the process? What about the “Always in my heart” tweet??? However, it is undeniable that 2015 has been the year with the majority of extreme highs and lows, making it the most exhausting – yet most satisfactory – year to date.

I believe I speak for the majority of the fandom when I say that we all began 2015 on a hopeful and enthusiastic note. Personally, I began the year still running off of the high from November’s “Fourplay” interview with Harry’s unforgettable “Not that important” statement, and the Elounor breakup in March only added fuel to my fire. I was resolute that 2015 would be the year in which good things would happen, and I staunchly believed that 2015 would be a new era for One Direction… but Zayn leaving the band was a far cry from what I had in mind. Like a typical college student, I was procrastinating on a research paper by perusing Tumblr when I first read about Zayn’s departure. It was about two or three in the morning, and I was convinced that this was either a terrible, terrible rumor created by unreliable tabloids to stir up some drama, or that I was experiencing a delirious fever dream induced by the stress of midterms, countless papers, and too many sleepless nights. I couldn’t find any posts truly confirming or denying the news, so I channeled all my effort into things I could control – I anxiously finished my paper, slept for a few hours, and attended lectures. When I finally logged back into Tumblr later that day, the news had been confirmed: Zayn truly was leaving One Direction. A part of me had known something bad was imminent, with Zayn’s break and all of the “Zayn cheating on Perrie with mystery girl!” stories, but I hadn't expected this. Looking back now, I realize Zayn’s leaving was simply a ticking time bomb, but at the time, I felt blindsided. The empathetic and adult part of me was happy Zayn was leaving, because leaving would mean that he could focus on himself, reunite with his family, get away from the negative press about him, and quit the shitshow of drama that One Direction had become… but the same time, I was angry with Zayn. How could he leave his brothers, his fans? How could One Direction truly be One Direction without him? For four years I had somewhat naively believed that One Direction would never break up, and I felt Zayn's departure on a deeply personal level. Honestly, I'm a bit ashamed of how I handled myself – having a hysterical meltdown in a Starbucks before going to work and then continuing said meltdown later that evening during dinner does not exactly scream mature adult behavior, but still. My pain and sadness ran deep in my soul, and needed to be released. My feelings about Zayn leaving only grew more conflicted with the whole Naughty Boy debacle, and I cannot express the elation I felt when Zayn and Naughty Boy “broke up” and Zayn continued on his merry way. Although Zayn leaving One Direction put me through an emotional wringer, I’m at peace with it now. Zayn did what was right for him, and I respect that.

In the aftermath of Zayn leaving, it felt as though the entire fandom was in shambles. I saw innumerable amounts of posts that either praised or berated Zayn for leaving, and it was if the fandom was more divided than usual... and Project No Control was exactly what we needed to bring a sense of unanimity back. With Project No Control, it wasn’t about whether or not you liked or accepted or agreed with Zayn’s decision to leave, it was about supporting the boys – especially Louis – and promoting “No Control”. I can’t even begin to put into words how proud I was of our fandom when we were able to promote and garner attention for “No Control” better than Modest Management did. And I can’t even begin to put into words the happiness I felt every time I saw tweets or videos of concerts where Louis acknowledged Project No Control, and expressed his happiness of our dedication and support. What I'm most proud of, though, is how Project No Control brought about a new level of confidence and happiness in Louis' stage presence. During and after Project No Control, Louis' classic “move the mic slightly away from my mouth” move disappeared. He began to seriously own his solos and allowed his voice to shine through even more, and what's amazing is that we were behind that new-found confidence.  I’m not completely sure who started Project No Control, but honestly, kudos to whoever it was. You are absolutely wonderful.

While there have been plenty of highs and lows in 2015, I think the most frustrating event has been Louis’ “Babygate” Scandal ™ . Personally, I think the whole mess stinks of a ridiculous publicity stunt, and I’d sooner believe in the birth of the Loch Ness and Bigfoot’s lovechild than Louis and Briana’s baby. Regardless of the legitimacy of Louis’ impending fatherhood, however, I hate how Modest and the media are playing up the situation. I absolutely despise how the entire scandal is based off of ever changing dates that make stories and timelines unpredictable. It angers me that the scandal allowed the media to create stories that questioned Louis’ ability to be a father, and I am even further incensed that they drew “parallels” between him and his less-than-stellar biological father, Troy. For all the stupidity going on right now, I think that the worst thing about Babygate is that nobody is going to emerge unscathed. All possible foreseeable ends – whether it is the baby being fake or miscarried or determined to be another man’s or determined to be Louis’ – someone will be painted in a negative light. Unless the final story is delicately manipulated and carefully constructed (which would demand skills that seem to be missing from Modest’s repertoire), I fear Babygate will end the way it started – in shambles.

Even though there have been many low points in 2015, it hasn't been all bad. Harry dancing with the “Always in my heart” tweet blanket in Sweden, the suspicious outfits and stickers of Rainbow Bondage Bear and Sugar Bear, the Lilo antics on stage, Harry versus SeaWorld, and the emergence of – for lack of a better phrase – Larry AF meet-and-greet photos are only a small taste of the fun and happy events that have happened in 2015. However, my personal favorite moment for 2015 was definitely going to the One Direction concert in Santa Clara. Not only did I get to see one of my favorite bands with my best friend, I also got to meet the wonderful creator of this book and my concert soulmate, Joely. After discovering through various Tumblr posts and messages that we had been to the same One Direction concert in Oakland back in 2013 and were going to the Santa Clara concert in July (thus determining our concert soulmate status), our friendship was solidified. We met up and hung out for a bit at the concert, which was absolutely amazing, because how often do you get to meet up with your  online friends in real life? Seeing One Direction and meeting Joely was utterly magical, and was definitely a once in a lifetime experience.

ok so blualua hopped in my ask box and asked me to tell you a story about this year and one direction from personal experience. so here it is

It was a very very rainy morning. it was nearly 2 am and i was awake. Very normal for me, i stay woke just in case. I was getting very tired so i said goodnight to the friend i was texting, put my phone on do not disturb, and set it down on my bedside table. I flipped over my pillow and pulled my comforter on, preparing for a very deep sleep. But then i thought, “you know, i really should go on Tumblr because something might've happened you know? I sat back up and rubbed my eyes, not in any way prepared for what was coming. I opened up my computer and logged into my blog. The first post i saw on my dash was someone screaming about One Direction’s new single. My eyes widened and I scrolled down even further just to see people praising a single. My breath hitched. No, I couldn't start screaming now.... I would wake up my whole family. I was no longer sleepy. I closed (nearly slammed) my computer shut and picked up my phone and jammed my earbuds into the port on it. I frantically opened up iTunes and searched “Drag Me Down” (I had to search it twice because the first time i couldn't type so it looked like gibberish) on the search bar. It loaded slowly... almost too slow but it finally popped up. Fingers shaking, I played the sample. I listened to it 2 times before i started pouring tears. IT. WAS. SO. GOOD. After the 5th time i had listened to the sample, my phone vibrated. (It was on so do not disturb was no longer in action) It was a tweet from 1d’s twitter account. I slid down the tweet and read the words, or at least trying to everything was so blurry because of the tears in my eyes. They had added the song to Spotify. “ALREADY?!?!” I mustered, accidentally speaking aloud and awkwardly covering my mouth. I set my phone down and unplugged my earbuds and plugged them into my computer while opening it up. I quickly clicked on the Spotify icon and searched Drag Me Down. It popped up and I double-clicked it to play it. The tears poured down my cheeks....I cried for a good 20 minutes. I listened to that song until morning, and i listened to it at full volume in my room the next day. It was so amazing and I just had no words. It was completely shocking and I'm not mentally prepared for their 5th album in any way. This is my experience of the Drag Me Down release and thank you for reading this.