#false thoughts

Thoughts about Sanders Sides I want to share, feel free to add  onto them! If you make art or fics based on any of these please tag me I’d love to see it! Keep in mind some of these theories are going to be outdated.

It hurts, for one. I wake up and at first everything feels fuzzy like I am going to get a transformation, but then something happens that stops the process and my body starts “ringing” almost like a bell when it’s been struck. I don’t exactly know how to describe that sensation except that it’s kind of like vertigo except the oscillations are very very fast and they feel contained to my body instead of the room around me.

My arms seem to be the things that transform the easiest/fastest and so when the shift goes wrong, they feel it the most.

When the ringing dies down, which it usually does in just a minute or two, I get an ebbing or draining feeling. This is usually when my heart starts racing as I become properly “awake” and also when my arms start aching. It (the pain) often begins in my hands and then spreads all the way to my shoulders. It’s not a joint pain, surprisingly. It’s like the bones themselves are sore, as if they had to snap back to their “human” shape too quickly. The pain will last several minutes up to an hour, and often my hands feel strange and difficult to move for quite some time.

I know the whole thing is a function of my hypnagogic/hypnapompic hallucinations but I do find it strange that the pain sticks around even after I am very awake. I have a lot of chronic pains because of my illness, but I only ever get this kind of ache after a shift.

I used to swim a lot, as in very nearly every day. I was a synchronized swimmer, and then I raced competitively. By now, though, it’s been so long, and most of my fitness has been eroded away by my illness, so swimming is not nearly as free and easy as it used to be. I miss the ease, and I think the fact that I can feel the limits and degradation of my body has stopped me from trying to get back to it. I used to feel like I could swim forever without taking a breath, and now I’m coughing and hacking for air after a few meters.

In spite of that, though, today was really nice. I swam in a spring so there was no chlorine sting when I opened my eyes under water (I hate goggles), and everything—the water, the air—was the perfect temperature. If it wasn’t a bit of a haul over there I’d probably try to go back every week.

Sometimes I seem to have the ability to conjure or at least guide the hypnagogic hallucinations, but it’s unpredictable. I guess my body needs the sleep more than anything right now so I just conk out before I get to feel anything or transform.

Normally my transformations (I call them that because that’s how they feel. Slow, methodical, incremental) happen as I’m falling asleep. They are sometimes fragile, sometimes persistent, but rarely particularly vivid outside of hypnagogia. Sometimes I can try as hard as I like to try to trigger them and I’ll just fall asleep like a rock with no change. They occasionally happen upon waking (hypnapompia), but are usually not nearly as clear.

Well, last night at least during one of my many wakeups, I had as vivid of a transformation as I’ve managed in months. It was a little disconcerting at first. My hands and fingers were fused like flippers (this is a common part of the shifts) but strangely, I could feel all my pseudorca teeth. I haven’t experienced my teeth changing around before but the sensation was extremely clear.