#falloutthoughtsplus

“What?”  Eddie scoffed.  “Is that what’s on your mind?  C’mon, you know I’ve got a tougher skin than that.  Anyway.. I’m used to it-“

“You shouldn’t have to be!!”

The reaction startled all three of them.  So sharp and intense.  Eddie could see their eyes now, red and damp with both shed and unshed tears, and he wasn’t sure what to do about them.  Aware that the mirror had been adjusted so that Volt could keep an eye on them, he glanced over for help, but Volt remained silent.  Waiting to hear this play out. 

“Sorry..”  Their Live Wire deflated.  Their shoulders sagging and body becoming small with the lack of a true enemy to face.  “I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean- .. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.  I just..”

Wiping their eyes with the back of their sleeve they once again fell into sorrowful contemplation.  What were the words they needed to use?

Seatbelts unclipped and clipped, Eddie changing his seating position to better reach them, and pulled their body towards his own in a hug.  “Why are you so upset about this?  I’m fine, I promise.”

“Because..”

‘Because no one ever has before’

“Because, I don’t want-“ The feelings were there.  Burning with intensity but expressing them was difficult around all that unspent energy and upset.  Eddie’s calloused hand found the side of their head, petting down their hair and awaiting his answer.  Their shoulders shuddered and they breathed through their teeth, feeling like a fire burning on limited fuel.  Calming took time.  The boys waited.

“Because I love you, and I’m scared that, if – if you don’t think yourself worth anything then you might doubt that…  But I do!  I do, I love you so much, I-“

“Shhhh, it’s ok.  We’re ok.”

Their head buried into his shoulder where he could feel the material of his jacket becoming wet with fresh tears.  He hadn’t thought of it before; how his feelings about himself might affect his partners.  He glanced over to the mirror, where Volt’s eyes met his for a moment before returning to the road.  It was long enough for Volt to read the unspoken question.

“You and I have our connection Eddie, so I am privy to some of your truths.  Our Live Wire, on the other hand-“

He left that open, creating a gap for Eddie to fill.  Returning his full attention to where it was most needed.  Emotional openness was not Eddie’s strongest suit, but he was all in when it mattered.  When a bond was suffering and needed that bit of extra care.  He brushed some hair over their ear, and tried to untangle them from his jacket. 

“Don’t let that asshole get to you like this.  I don’t doubt your feelings.  Might have asked myself ‘why’ a lot in the beginning, but I’ve come along way since then.  We all have.  And, honestly, I can’t imagine a life without all three of us in it anymore.  I love you.  Both of you.”

A red and puffy face looked up from his shoulder, seeking his steel eyes.  They found nothing but softness in his features – a look reserved exclusively for moments shared between the three.  No walls, no guards, just open trust. 

Eddie offered a cheeky smile and continued talking.  “Only thing I do regret is that you clocked the guy first.”  Their eyes widened and he chuckled adding, “What? Did you doubt I’d fight for you?  I’ve thrown my fair share of rowdy drunks and obnoxious humans out the club, I can handle myself Live Wire.”

They laughed.  Quietly, but they laughed at both the mental image and the reminder.  Eddie was quick to encourage that line of emotion.

“Ah, there it is.  So you do remember how to smile.  C’mon, show me.”

Self-consciousness took over with the request, and they tried to look away only for Eddie’s hand to catch their chin and direct their eyes back to his own.  His voice lowered to a near whisper, coaxing them back towards himself, unwilling to let them go.

“C’mon.. Just a little more wattage.  Show me.”

The smile widened.  A little lopsided at first, as they tried to overcome the embarrassment of being on the spot, but genuine the further they got lost in those endearing grey eyes and softness of his touch. 

“There we go.  Beautiful.  Soggy, but beautiful.”

“Soggy kisses?” 

Kisses were kisses, wet or not, and Eddie wasn’t about to turn them down.  But neither was he going to turn down a chance for banter.

While preparing to offer an energetic greeting Volt watched as, not a face, but an oversized bag, hugged by a pair of arms filled the doorway.  The figure beneath the bag huffed with the burden of carrying it and failed their first attempt at passage when a strap caught on the door handle, tangling them in place.  He could hear very faint, whispered complaints as the figure tried their best to be quiet in their struggle.  Though his body shivered with cold, and his nerve endings prickled with every step, Volt forced his body to move.  Standing, waiting a second to gain his balance, then walking to unhook the bag strap and lifting it into his own arms.  When the face beneath was revealed, he cocked an eyebrow and winked, offering her a bemused expression to meet her startled, sheepish one.  “Oh! I’m sorry, Eddie said you were asleep.  Did I wake you?”    

“I woke some time ago Live wire, don’t worry.  Besides, I ought to be the one apologising.  This is all rather unsightly.”       

“Unsightly?”

Placing the bag down at the foot of the bed, Volt sat, surprised at just how much that took out of him, but keeping his back straight as he turned his upper body to smile, as widely as he could manage, at his visitor.  He swallowed around the growing itch in his throat.  The tickling sensation was driving him mad.  His partner tilted her head, looking him over.

“You’re not unsightly Volt, just.. differently handsome.” 

The comment made him laugh, which brought out that coughing fit, racking his shoulders and setting his head ablaze with pain.  He raised a hand to his mouth, fighting for control of his airways so that he could speak. 

“Ha.  You could do to tutor Eddie in your manner of diplomacy Live Wire.” 

She looked at him with confusion, and he took the chance to regain his composure and move the direction of conversation.  “I was told I have you to thank for keeping things moving with our clients and administrative duties.  I’d be interested to see your handy work for myself, and of course, be more than happy to offer my advice on any troublesome matters.” Despite sitting at the edge of the bed in his pyjamas, Volt somehow managed to look tall and charming by the way he turned and tilled his head to show off an endearing smile.  Lips cracked and nose red, it didn’t fully detract from how good looking this man was.  But his Live Wire managed to stand firm.  Her lips closed and stretched flat, her brows narrowing into an expression of determination.  “Eddie warned me you’d try to convince me to give you access to my phone or laptop.  He made me promise I wouldn’t.”  Of course he did.  Volt’s expression tightened, then faded into a sigh.  “I don’t doubt you Live Wire.  And I know that you and Eddie mean well, but this industry moves fast as lightning.  I would hate for all of Eddie’s hard work to be wasted on a missed opportunity.”

“You move fast as lightning, Volt.  Paperwork and solicitors move agonizingly slowly.  And, I’ll remind you, I have a PHD in customer service!  You aren’t missing anything, I promise.”

Not the answer he wanted to hear, and he had to turn his head away to hide the sneer of frustration.

“I brought some items for you,“ she continued, changing the topic and lightening her voice and energy to contrast his growing storm.  Her knees bent to lower herself so she could rummage through the bag and start taking selected items out.  For lack of anything better to do, Volt looked over lazily to see what these ‘gifts’ were.

The largest and heaviest item was a blanket.  Weighted, he realised, once he’d run his hand between the folds.  Followed by several bottles of various shapes and sizes, a bowl, towel and numerous unnecessary pieces of evidence of an overthinker.    

“We have whiskey, Live Wire, and the willingness to share it.  You needn’t have brought your own.  But if it’s a cocktail you’re after, I could whip something up for you.”

“It’s not for a cocktail; it’s for a Hot Toddy.”

“A what?”

“Whiskey, honey and lemon in hot water.  It will help to soothe your throat, while this medicine will help clear your chest and hopefully let you get some real sleep.”

There it was again.  ‘Sleep’.  With no offence to Betty, if Volt ever saw another bed again it would be too soon.  Trying to take in a deep inhale, he instead set himself off with yet another fit of coughs, this time ripping through his throat with grating, rasping sounds.  It felt like rusted metal scraping on concrete.  He buried his mouth into the crook of his arm, turning from her as he did so, and tried to ignore the look of sympathy and concern. 

“I’ll go boil some water,” he could hear her speak through the throbbing in his ears.  “Take it easy.”

Before he could react, she was gone, and Volt was left with the view of these same four walls and the prison of sickness which was his own human body.  Catching his breath was taking longer and longer, and so he sat for a long moment.  Pausing to recharge enough to force his legs to bare his weight again and stand.  His head swam, feeling dizzy, so he stood until he trusted himself to walk with convincing leisure.

By the time Volt had made it to the kitchenette she had already set out two mugs and had a pan bubbling on the stove top.  A light frown flashed across her features when she saw him, quickly replaced by a bright smile and cheery greeting.

“Just couldn’t wait to try my amazing home remedies hm?  Take a seat and I’ll fetch it right over.”

“Ah, ah, but it’s my job to take care of you, Live Wire,” he retorted seeing his own game in action and refusing to be beaten in it.  “You’re our guest!  Allow me to finish up here and-“

Volt took a step forward, intent on taking over the role of host, but as he did so his energy dipped, and his head swooned.  He staggered.  Catching himself.  His vision blinked in and out and exhaustion hit him so hard it was painful.  He took in as deep a breath as he could manage, which amounted to very little, and felt arms press against his shoulders, helping to keep him from falling.  His body felt impossibly heavy all of a sudden, and nausea spread through his veins in a cold sweat. 

“Volt!  Oh, you stubborn thing…  Lean against me, and we’ll get you sat down.”

Feeling his arm being moved around her shoulders Volt nodded, and immediately regretted the action, his head whirling and spinning as though he’d just shaken it in a mixer.  He tried to hold his own weight, placing one foot down, then the next, with her directing him towards the sofa.  Then, he blinked, and the next thing he opened his eyes too was her worried face fretting over him.  He blinked rapidly, the audio world faint and dull to his ears at first but growing in intensity until it was loud and painfully sharp.  He winced and tried to get up, but her hands pushed him back, and he was glad they did.  He hurt.  Everywhere he hurt, but mostly his knee.

The two had barely gotten three steps before Volt’s body had pressed further, and further, against her until she was trying to support the dead weight of the much large man.  Unable to keep him upright, she instead tried to control his fall, dropping to her knees with him and trying to keep his head and neck secure. 

Panic flooded her as she tried to rouse him, eventually laying his head and shoulders upon her lap.  He was breathing.  That raspy, inhale and exhale of air, but he felt cold as ice and, when they finally fluttered open, his eyes were dull in colour.  The electric blue having faded out to a near transparent white.  This wasn’t any normal human cold, she could feel it.  But then what was happening?  Calling Skylar flitted across her mind.  Even she had pointed out that Volt was a bit of an anomaly when it came to objects and realization, but nothing had seemed out of the ordinary until recently. 

“Volt.  Hey…  Move slowly, alright?  I’ve got you.  Volt?  Volt!”

Volt blinked the room into view, looking around to realise they were on the floor.  He believed that on some level that he felt horrified.  Neither she nor Eddie should ever have seen him faulter.  But while that sense of horror and a definite sadness hued his emotions, they were dull.  Like most of his senses were.  He felt like he was fading and just wanted to close his eyes.  Lay there, in this lap with fingers brushing through his hair and touching his cheek. Her voice persisted, drawing his eyes upwards.  Her expression was one of fear.  Of pain.  He hadn’t seen that expression worn by her since that night at the Breaker Box.  With the faulty wire. 

Faulty wire..

“I’m going to call Eddie, just.. Just –“

She halted when a hand latched onto her wrist.  His movements had been shockingly quick, but there was little strength in his grip which concerned her. 

“Don’t,” he uttered tiredly.  When she looked down, she could see more awareness in his features.  More clarity behind his too pale eyes.  “I’m..”  the word ‘fine’ rose and died on his tongue before he ever uttered it.  He wasn’t fine, and as Eddie had pointed out, it was a term he’d often used back when he’d overworked himself and pushed himself to burnout.  “I’m here,” he settled on instead.  “Would you help me up onto the couch please, spark?”

The shift was agonising.  Slow, and painful.  Each time he caught his breath and built-up scraps of energy to move again, he was overwhelmed with nausea and muscle shaking.  No complaint was uttered from his dutiful partner, but even her silence spoke volumes, and it shamed him knowing himself to be the cause of her fear.  At one point, he might have sought it, if only to keep Eddie safe, but not anymore.  That time in their lives had long since passed.

With a breathless huff, she helped him lift into one of the seats on the long couch.  His chest felt tight and while he wanted to speak; wanted to use his voice to soothe her worries, all he could do was nod in wheezing silence when she’d asked him to wait for her to come back.

Loneliness hit him rapidly when she’d retreated to the bedroom.  The apartment was too quiet, too still with only himself and his own thoughts.  Back in The Breaker Box there was always a hum of electrical presence.  The constant, gentle buzz from his own hair and wire connections to Eddie and every other electrical object in the house.  Now, there was just silence.  An emptiness Volt often tried to avoid looking at with noise and work and events.

Weight pressed against his shoulders, and a voice asked for him to lean forward.  He complied, just happy to have sounds again.  He shivered, noticing the cold now that something warm and heavy was being wrapped around him, and shortly afterwards, something hot into his hands.  A mug of something amber in colour.  The drink she’d earlier mentioned?  It felt nice, and he drew it to his chest, hoping to transfer the heat into himself.

“The blanket is a spare one, so you can keep it for as long as you need.  The weight in them can feel like a hug.”                       

“True,” he agreed, also noting a similarity to his old breaker box coat around his shoulders.  “But, I would much prefer true touch.”

No sooner had he spoken than a hand pressed to his cheek, caressing the skin beneath.  His eyes closed, and he allowed her to take the weight of his head in her palm. 

“Drink,” he heard her direct him.  “Before you fall asleep.  I have a few more items I want to bring over.  I won’t be long.”  A kiss placed where her hand retreated, and he watched on with suffering silence to see her go.  This time, only to the kitchenette.  His head turned, to keep her in his peripheral vision as he sipped at the beverage he’d been provided.  The warmth and heat burned a pleasant feeling down his throat.  Soothing some of the aches, as promised. 

Returning with a hot water bottle to tuck into the blanket, she sat besides him, curling her feet up onto the couch and leaning into him.  She felt him lean back.

“What’s really going on with you Volt?  Please, talk to me?”

Volt’s lips parted, then closed, then parted again for him to take another sip of the hot beverage.

“Is this all because of that storm?  Is it because you-“

“No.”  He cut her off with a warning look which didn’t quite hold the menace it should have with his energy so low.  “You don’t get to adopt guilt for any of this Live Wire.  My actions are my own.”

“But why keep this a secret?  What’s so important to you that you’d lie?  .. again.  Does… Does this affect Eddie!?”  

“No. Ah-tch..”  A sharp pain pulsed through his head, and he took a deep breath to calm himself.  He did not have the energy for outbursts.

“No,” he repeated taking another sip of his drink.  “It doesn’t affect Eddie.  But” he added, relenting to the mounting frustration he could see in her worried gaze.  “It does involve Eddie.  The both of you.  I knew you would both fret, and the last thing I want is for either of you to-“

He hesitated, only for a second but Volt losing his verbal flow at all was unusual.  Her hand lifted to rub comforting circles against his chest, and honestly, he was grateful for the connection. 

“The last thing I want is for either of you to struggle alone because you want to spare me the burden of my own purpose.”

Quiet descended upon them, and he sipped again, favouring the burn of the whisky over thinking too long on his own admission. 

“You are...”  Her words formed the sentence slowly, as though threading together her thoughts aloud.  “Afraid we’ll get rid of you?”

“Ahah!”  He barked a laugh, eyes widening enough to send fresh waves of dizziness through his head, but the statement was so bold he didn’t care.  “Live Wire, you will never be rid of me.”

“Then.. displace you?” she offered, trying a different word to see if any ticked the box.

He raised one bolt shaped eyebrow and lifted the mug to his lips again.  The mug felt heavy to his exhausted muscles, and his arm and shoulder ached with every move, but frankly, this was the most entertainment he’d had all week.  He hadn’t wanted to share his inner most feelings but if Eddie and their Live Wire were going to push relentlessly for them, he might as well enjoy the attention and the game of it all.

“Come on Volt, you’re better at words than I am.”

Volt took another sip, wrapped an arm around her waist and smiled.  She shook her head in response, wanting to be angry at him, but couldn’t bring herself to be mad at that face and they both knew it.  But she did expect truth from him now.  That was his game; the door of opportunity was open; she just had to find it. 

The clue was there.  His purpose was what he valued in himself, and that purpose was to protect.  She hadn’t seen Volt angry very often.  The first time she’d heard him raise his voice at all was one night that Scandalabra had pushed too far with Eddie in his hunt for gossip.  The only other time had been with the human creep at the networking event. 

But he hadn’t gotten sick like this after his temper burst with Scandalabra.  He was more powerful then.  Literal electricity, with a constant steady supply of energy he had to constantly filter and regulate...

“Do..  Do you ‘like’ being human?” she asked suddenly, and Volt had to lower the mug to keep himself from choking.  That didn’t stop the coughing fit though.  

The thought played over in her head as Volt tried to recover.  She’d never thought to ask before.  Just assumed that all the objects wanted to be realized, as Skylar had directed, and equally assumed an object would refuse if they really didn’t want to.  But, she’d never asked.  And Volt had had the most to lose.  Power, stability, centre stage.  She watched him, rubbing his chest until he could respond. 

“Well, I certainly don’t care for this aspect of it.  But I do enjoy others.”  He handed her his drink so he could hold his own head until the spinning stopped.  A groan escaped him as his body rebelled against him throwing him off balance and threatening to send him into blackness once again.  “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in there,” she pressed softly, keeping her voice low while he held his head in his palms.

“No.  I said you had given us a gift, Live Wire, and I meant that.  I don’t have an issue with having a whole new world and body to explore.” “Buuuuuut-?” He sighed and indicated himself.  “I don’t have as much of myself to give, not like this.  Being with such limited power is a vulnerability.  One I don’t much care for.  What if something else where to happen now?  I want for you and Eddie to be able to rely on me, and for me to be capable of honouring that trust. But…” He looks at his own, trembling hands.

He was scared, she realised, the thought taking the wind from her own lungs.  This fearless, powerful, perfect man – was sacred. 

“I ran to find you because I knew, without doubt, I’d be safe.  And you came through for me.  But.. Volt..  This works both ways.  You used your energy to protect me.  I want to be able to support your recovery in return.  I think Eddie would feel the same.”

“I appreciate your care, Live Wire, truly.”

Releasing his head, Volt sat back, slowly, trying to find a position in which his neck and joints hurt the least.  He was warming up.  The simple comforts she’d brought working to restore his tired body, albeit slowly.  And he appreciated it, he did.  Which made it all the more threatening that at any given point someone, or something could take them away from him.  And Volt, cut from his power, was limited in what he could do about it. 

She shifted on the couch and, panicked she was leaving, Volt reached out to grasp her hand.  She stared at him, eyes wide for a moment, before settling with a soft expression and leaning to rest her warm form against his weakened one.  Her head coming to rest just beneath his chin, tucked into his neck.  He closed his eyes but was terrified to sleep.  Because when he woke, he wasn’t sure if they’d be there.

“I can’t lose you,” he uttered.  Another line reflecting a defining moment in all of their lives. 

“We’ll figure something out, I promise.  For now, please try to sleep.  Eddie will be home in a few hours, and we can talk about this together.”

“Please don’t tell him.  Not yet at least.”

“Volt...”

“He is happy, Live Wire.  This freedom has granted him a fresh outlook on life.  A hope his past had once stolen from him.  After all he’s been through...   I can’t be the reason stress returns to his life.”      

It didn’t sit right with her, but she understood he still needed time to process.  The first step was getting him to admit to anything at all.  The rest, she’d work on.  Taking in then releasing a deep inhale and exhale, she nodded against his jaw.

“Do you trust me?”

“What?”

Volt paused.  A difficult thing to do was trust.  But he had his answer.

“I trust you little spark.”

“Then close your eyes.  I’ll stay here with you while you sleep and be here when you wake.”

She looked towards him, likely feeling the icy pinch at her toes now that some heat was upon them, and he moved towards her, removing his jacket to drape over her trembling shoulders.  Again, he sensed the unspoken questions like echoes of his own soul.  Much like her own, in a time that felt so distant now, his brand of support arrived without grand proclamations or flourishes.  Rather, he served as a gentle, persistent presence which converted the energy of despair into that of hope.

And hope was terrifying.  In their world, to a thing – or a person- forged by hardship and inner conflict, hope and vulnerability felt like dangerous surges often met with flashes of anger, arcs of self-doubt, and the persistent hum of loneliness.  Whatever the storm, Eddie had determined to weather it alongside her, seating himself within her chosen hiding space, where the acceptance of his stubborn companionship was met with a loud, and broken sob.

Crumbling into him, her trembling hands gripped at his clothes, arms wrapping around him so that her tears could add to the patterns of raindrops donning his shirt.  He returned the gesture, pulling her tightly against himself in hope that his calm would provide an anchor amidst her turmoil.  She wept, and he let her.  Providing space for the emotions to flow without the interruption of soft hushes, whispered promises or judgement.

Puncturing the air in gasping breaths, her sobs where raw and jagged – torn from the soul in a sound too familiar to forget; 

‘Lights flickered and dimmed.  An electric buzz humming ominously throughout the Breaker Box and a taut, unending pain coiled within himself.  Eddie doubled over, choking out a sob which would go unheard.  Energy drew from his body in pulses leaving him tired and empty.  If he followed the flow of his energy, he could hear ghosts of those who drew from it.  Arguments in the kitchen between the newest appliances.  Voices and recorded laughter from Telly in the living room.  The dancing glow of Lux’s light in unused rooms.  All the lives tapped into his life blood, the electricity which flowed through his form, converted and filtered to keep them happy.  To keep them safe.  He wanted to give.  His entire purpose for being was to give, but for how many?  And for how long?  He wheezed, coughing around the tears lodged in his throat and felt the sparking sputter of agony with every fresh pulse of energy torn from his system leaving him empty, barely hanging on.    

 He felt trapped.  Isolated within a faraday cage of circumstance and poor choices.  His eyes had to blink rapidly to clear the blur, while his fingers plucked at the control panel.  The fix had to be made.  If he failed, he’d be worthless.  Trembling in exhaustion his hand slipped, slicing across the other with the screwdriver for a fresh, new wound.  It was too much.   All too much.  But he was the responsible one.  He was the giver, the problem solver, the worker.  He was strong, independent, and completely and utterly unable to ask for help.  He would have to help himself.

Eddie was okay.  He was always okay.   …. Why couldn’t they see that he wasn’t?’

“It’s painful isn’t it,” he mused aloud to the memory, not really having expected to hear his own voice.  “To crave something nobody owes you.”

Heat from the lamp filled their little space, battling the draft of an old building and the worsening battering of rain outside.  Against him, tucked against his chest and beneath his chin he could feel her sobs ease into occasional sniffles and deep inhales.  Without a response, but the sense she was listening, he prompted her again, offering a place to speak to be heard. 

“Why did you run off like that?”

While holding no accusation his question could not be aired without some of the earlier pain inflecting his tone.  Had she not always trusted him or Volt before?  What was different?  Had they caused it? 

“I..  I didn’t want to be seen.”

And yet she had fled to one of the places they boys were most likely to check.  An oversight?  Did her feet really know where they were taking her, or was she numb to the thoughts that had directed her steps? 

“To be seen?  Or to be seen wrong?” he asked, gravely tones as soft as sand. 

“I-“  Her voice hitched, eyes widening, then glazing over at some personal epiphany.

Volt had once asked him that.  As Eddie recalled, his reaction had been similar.  It had caught him off guard just how gentle and delicate the man could be.  Loud and dazzling on a stage or at the front of house, softening into a lullaby of comforting presence whenever Eddie had felt at his weakest. 

“I want to see you spark.  Talk to me.  Tell me what happened.”  

“It feels stupid now…”

“I’m not asking you to convince me, I already believe you hurt.”

Time stretched between them freely in contemplative silence.  He waited out the hush whilst feeling her fingers thread and unthread around the wrinkles of his clothes until he felt the mark of her words being chosen when her inhale filled her, expanding the shoulders he held in his arms.

“It’s lots of things.  Little things that feel inconsequential to name.  Like forgotten promises or friends flaking at the last minute.  And I know people have busy lives, and things come up, and minds work differently – like Barry always forgets things, I shouldn’t be surprised – but when it keeps happening, and from different sources I just start wondering what I’m doing wrong.  Why am I so easy to forget or overlook.  And that’s from friends, y’know?  People who say they care…

So... when a non-friend is hostile or mean it’s just so much harder to be resilient.  Because I think my brain has already accepted that I’m not anything more than the terrible things they say I am...”

There was something terribly human about needing to be accepted and seen.  A powerful instinct hardwired into the genetic code of every individual which sparked and sputtered and caused pain through perceived failures.  And Eddie knew from recent experience that reprogramming one’s perception patterns into expected conclusions was a task of long struggles and continued vigilance.  He had also learned, through the one he held, that it was a task unsuited to work through alone.

“You can come to us with these things, you know?”

She nodded once, silent tears rolling down her cheek to be brushed away by the ball of her hand.  There was a hesitation to the way she held herself and Eddie awaited the verdict.

“I feel bad always burdening the two of you.  You already have a lot going on.”

“I don’t offer things I don’t commit to,” Eddie countered.  “Volt’s pretty experienced on how to handle a tangled mess with a short fuse, and he’s really good at it.  Don’t… tell him I said that.”    

He paused, opening space for the wet and staggered giggle she might have at his willing expense, before moving onto the more delicate topic he wanted to bring up.

“And- if you think you feel up for it – I can talk to my therapist for you, see if he’d let you come along one day?  Y’know, just so you can see what it’s all about.  What the rooms are like, the signing in process, the words they use...  And, maybe, see if it’s the kind of thing that’d be useful to you.”

A solidness set in her shoulders reaching down her arms and spine.  Eddie’s bottom lip caught between his teeth with a swell of anxiety filling close to burst within his chest.  Forcing himself to relax his grip around her he fought against the will to hold her in case she chose to run off again, and instead allowed her to pull back leaving a cold spot against his body.

Puffy, red eyes searched his own and Eddie could feel his insides squirm and writhe under the scrutiny which, so far, had an unknowable conclusion.  He and Volt had talked about this a few times, and this had seemed like a natural opening to bring it up to her.  To begin the process of open, ongoing conversation.  But had he gotten it wrong?  Was it too soon?  She searched him for something all while his cheeks burned red and his mouth turned dry and sticky. 

“Isn’t that.. a personal space for you?”

“Wh-what? Oh…”

This wasn’t the first therapist Eddie had ended up working with but was certainly one he’d found a connection with.  Bartending had always put him in the position of an acting agony aunt and trying to reverse that roll, and with a lot less alcohol, had been a challenge that had taken time along with a lot of trial, error, and exasperated outbursts.  It helped that he could now work on something during their sessions.  Some broken object or busy work for his hands to pull his mind away from the anxiety of speaking. 

There had been emotional breakthroughs, outbursts and conflicts.  A veritable storm of experiences Eddie had needed to face and process, finding the strength of his enemy at every turn was equal to his own strength.  But those battles were not often fought and won all within the confines of a session.  Often, for himself at least, a session was just a space to breathe for a while.  To let the pressure and stress left at the door roll off. 

“No.  I mean, yes, but...” he signed, reconfiguring his words to try and relay something both true and sensible.  “The sessions are a lot more casual than I think people realise.  I don’t just go there to cry and take an emotional beating,” he added with a chuckle to his words.  “That’s, kinda what I hoped to show you.  That’s it’s just… normal.  A little strange at first, but it becomes normal.”       

“Do you like them…?  Your doctor?  The sessions?”

“Not a doctor this one, just a therapist.  Still very good though, and open to friendship sessions, I like him well enough.  Therapy as a whole?  I don’t hate it.  It’s helped to rewire a few things.  Create some new circuits that are a bit more efficient than the old ones.”

Her short, tight nod preluded an expanse of private thought.  He watched the battle play across her features in the wrinkled furrow of her brow and the movement of her jaw setting and unsetting.  Fingertips continued to fuss his shirt and her eyes cast low with the burden of decision.  He watched her throat work with visible effort to form words and noted the wisps of pride he felt before any answer was aired – giving this space to think about alone was a milestone achieved. 

“I’m not sure if I’m brave enough.”  Her admittance carried on raw and trembling notes speaking of a wish she could be.   

Eddie offered a soft smile of knowing.  Tentatively he reached up on calloused finger to draw a strand of half dried hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear.  She wasn’t running – not yet – and for him that was a display of courage and bravery unlike any other. 

“You don’t need to be brave.  Just open enough to try.  Volt and I are happy to try along with you if you need us.  Whenever you need us.”   

The silence commenced, not hollow but weighted with decisions.  Charged with unspoken arguments and accompanied with the howling, crackling storm which played overhead.  Her hands rested loosely in his own, his thumbs brushing at their backs in slow, steady rhythms to ensure his quiet, persistent presence was known.  When at last she exhaled in a long and shuddering breathe her voice carried, nearly inaudible around the storm.

“Maybe…  If you’re there too.  Maybe.” 

Relief washed through him as a steady current, unravelling his taut shoulders and shedding some of the burden from them.  Eddie nodded, keeping his thoughts to himself so as not to crowd her with promises or early cheers.  But he was hopeful.  This felt like a tiny, hard-won victory she might live to appreciate if they saw it through. 

 Intrusive and out of place in their sombre solidarity a jingle of notes sung; breaking the quiet melody of sniffling within the rumbling storm.  Their bodies tensed and startled in mirrored reactions – neither having expected any interruption this deep in their feelings.  Drawing out his phone at an angle which showed both of them the screen Eddie glanced at her, letting her decide where she felt in the ability to talk to more people. 

Their eyes met, before she looked to the screen with unmasked guilt, then moved her finger to slide across the green phone icon.  Volt’s voice crackled to life, broken by the reception in the storm. 

“E--ie?  Di- … find her?”

Ever animated, Volt’s voice carried the desperate worry of a man still searching and Eddie winced at the realisation that the message he’d sent upon entering the building hasn’t gone through.

“Shit, sorry.  Yeah, she’s here.  We’re fine.”

“Li –wir-! ,,, looked everywhe-.  Are ---- alright?”     

Distinct unhappiness smothered her in a chilling blanket, and her eyes moved to Eddie filled with remorse.  The realisation of what she’d put the two through finally sinking in.  Eddie signed offering a shrug while his free hand rose to rub the back of his own head. 

“Do you want me to take you home?”