#fallingintocoping

but I have to wait until I can find the time.

Everyday I wish I could do so much!

My daughter called him papa yesterday morning.

I'm not going to even pretend like I wasn't happy for her. I asked her a few times if she was sure she wanted him to be her papa, she kept saying yes.

Papa Nic.

As far as I knew, she didn't know the word papa. She has a daddy, a pop and a grandpa, but this was a first for the title of papa.

What I find wonderful about our relationship, all three of us, we are not a family but we feel like one. We look like one. He could easily relate to a real father, with all the times he's been ambushed by this little tyrant for more dancing, swinging, reading and slobbery kisses. And how he supports me and protects me and my daughter. We are a team, a couple raising a little girl.

He has never experienced the kind of pain I thought, growing up, most people have.

The generation I grew up with, everyone had their problems. Everyone had a reason they felt the need to cry or be angry. Exclusion. Rape. Abuse. Bad home. Bullying. Death. Being different. Bad romances.

He has not. He didn't start dating until he was in college, and he had a hard time with those relationships, but not to the level that his life spiraled and he felt hopeless.

So he's had his heartbreaks, but no trauma. I have asked, but no matter the question he has no story.

But he still has this amazingly big heart for my pain. My nightmares, my irrational fears of my abusers, my fears as a single mother. If I speak of things that happened to me in the past, he has nothing he can contribute as to a "me too" but he makes me feel better than someone who sympathizes. He holds me, he cries, he listens to me tell my stories. 

He helps me feel loved, when the life so far has shown me mostly pain.

Knowing that my ex will never change, accepting that I can't control what he says and does. I have learned to not let him disappoint me when he cancels weekends, or doesn't pull through with some promise he made.

I have come to terms with all of that.

He called me the other day to say "I'm sorry for the last two years." and then today gets angry at me and starts down this list of horrible things to say to me, all things I have heard him say before . Which is why I didn't get my hopes up that things could be better when he first apologized.

Truth was he was trying to make himself feel better, when apologizing, he wanted my "It's okay, I forgive you." to help him feel like he is not all that bad. When he apologized I said, "I think we both handled our divorce in the way that made us feel secure, you don't need to worry anymore about what happened." Which probably wasn't he wanted.

Today I sent him paper work I filed with the courts updating our information, increasing our child support.

What he said to me, and what he was angry about, was irrational. Hearing him yell about the facts of life and how there was no way it was fair to him, I just thought "As you are speaking these words, you don't hear how incredibly stupid you sound? Astonishing!" 

He has had a pay raise for more than 3 months, I get a pay raise (1 month ago) and I call him as soon as it's effective and offer to find out  how his support changes, since I assumed I was now making double than him. He tells me he has also had a raise, back in September. I file this paper work and he realizes he will have to provide evidence of his pay stubs, and on these stubs it will show he's been making a ridiculous amount in commission.

Basically he doesn't want to pay me a lump sum in back support, he doesn't want to earn more money, then pay Lilliana more money. He urges me to cancel the petition and just work this out with him. (I have been trying to do that for a month) He doesn't want to owe money through the state, because if he doesn't pay it he will be made a criminal. I don't want him that for him either. He can't wrap his mind around the fact I will be okay if he starts spiraling down (he thinks I wouldn't live without his money, but then says he doesn't think he should pay so much in support) He belittles the struggles I have overcome since our split, refusing to acknowledge that I may have not be over exaggerating.

Basically, I see and understand his pain. His fears, his anxiety and his anger. It's irrational though, and what makes me so angry is he is irrational.

He calls me horrible things, and I still try to do what is fair to us(or more him).