#fallingfromthetrapeze

i  got used to the other pair just fine, so, idk??? and i mean, they do look like one side is sticking out, both to me and my brother. SO IDK. i am convinced one side is bigger than the other, i’m gonna send u a pic

Ok now on that point, I’m not so sure. You’re not wrong, but otoh that’s a sentiment I’ve dwelt on for so long I have really complicated feels about it.

Like, yes, his life seems pretty empty--so much of the reason Kit Purrson kind of made him as a character is like, I have been that mentally ill person whose life revolved around her job and posting pictures of her cat online because it wasn’t like I could handle having anything more complicated and demanding, like actual hobbies, a group of friends, or a romantic relationship.

And let’s be real: my Kent, the Kent I see on the page, is not coping well with life and is probably mentally ill.  Like, at least depressed, probably complex PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder.  It’s part of why I love him--from the first he’s shrieked ONE OF US ONE OF US to my very soul.

But what that means is... I really don’t want him to get what he thinks he wants, with Jack. I think a lot of people, especially people with mental health issues but it’s super encouraged by society today, think, “I will get a significant other who loves me a lot and all my problems will be solved!”  And.  No???  I GET THE URGE BUT NOOOOOO?????

I know sometimes it does work this way and that’s the dream, but mostly... when you are mentally ill and you find someone who Truly Loves You and you get the PERFECT job, a lot of the time, you are... in a good relationship, and gainfully employed, and still mentally ill. And then I know as a therapist that a lot of people with the disorder I think Kent has specifically fixate on The Thing That Will Fix Them to the active detriment of getting better--”It’s not my coping skills, it’s that this term is very stressful.”  “I’m not demanding too much of myself, it’s just this job.”  “I’m not mentally ill, I’m just unhappy because I’m so alone.”  And then once they get that thing, the end of term, the new job, the boyfriend or girlfriend, the goalposts move: now it’s something else they need to get to be happy.

(I... should get back to the AU I was writing where meeting his soulmate actually does abruptly cure his mental illnesses, and it’s awful.)

Kent needs to work at the happiness he can get right in front of him, at the things he has control over (not among them: Jack), using the tools he has available to him.  Working until he can face being rejected or abandoned without flipping over into panic mode (or asshole mode), until he learns to value himself and his physical and psychological health more than winning a hockey game.

(See also)

Did you ever like… read a Jane Austen novel, and for the next day you’re thinking and sometimes speaking Very Properly, or you watch an anime, and then in your head everything’s like Super Dramatic and you want to pause in very stylized poses?