#fallenwonder

it doesn’t matter where i am a piece of me will always feel like i don’t belong next to the chatter of unnecessary conversations next to the group of girls who think they are superior than me next to the boys who keep looking over, trying to capture my attention none of it works i like solitude most of the time i’m not interested in hearing about the random person you had sex with i’m not interested in hearing about the drink that got you wasted and i’m also not interested in popping pills with you let’s be real, shall we? i believe this world needs more than just sex, drugs, and alcohol i believe we need to talk about stuff that actually makes sense that is actually important go and tell someone else about the party you went to last month i really don’t care after all i’m not the one making mistakes i’ll eventually regret this is the story of my life an outsider trying to make the world better an outsider trying to be more than a person an outsider that’s all i really am i will always be an outsider to those who believe that life needs to be a party that life needs to be about making mistakes that will lead you nowhere making mistakes that will ruin you i’m not in for that i was not born for that i was made for this to write whatever comes to my head and make it into a piece of art turn it into meaning something that will last forever something i can keep my words will never burn out

I wish I could fast forward into life and see myself at age twenty-two. I want to know if I will be in love or out of love. I want to know if anything makes sense, because right now, I am a complete mess. At one moment, I know my life is getting somewhere. At another, I cannot find meaning. What the hell is life? I assume it’s glass that keeps breaking no matter how perfect it is. I assume it’s a wound that turns into a scar after fighting so many constant battles. I know it’s one big mystery. You either know or you don’t know. Or maybe it’s not that complicated and I overthink everything. And maybe I like to simply write about it.

Take care of the person you’re madly in love with. Stop the betrayal. The hurting. The arguing of every insignificant thing. Stop being difficult. Either change or leave. There’s no use staying somewhere you don’t want to be. There’s no use hurting someone over something you’re unsure of. Because one day you’ll wake up and feel regret. Choose. It’s not a hard thing to do. Stop lying to yourself. This is fight or flight. Love or don’t love at all.

i was noticed from across the room. you came up to me, smiled and said that my eyes were the loveliest you have ever seen. i liked the sound of that. i believed the words that came out of your mouth were made of sugar. but the words you once said to me turned bitter after you caused those green eyes to release a river of tears.  you caused those eyes to express the darkest of fires, like the ones you would see in a forest from afar…so beautiful from a distance but once you would come closer, you could immediately see the ashes…everything that was there before, would be completely destroyed. and yet, they still looked at you. i wonder why my eyes still see you now.

I’m sitting by myself on a couch on main campus a boy approaches me, simply asking a question he’s not the problem here a couple of minutes later, two other boys come near one of them starts to make conversation he’s trying to impress me how can you impress me when you’re describing a girl in a sexual way? he knows I’m right next to him the other boy tells him to lay off to leave me alone he does but he still opens his mouth and continues talking about the girl he talks about her like she’s a piece of meat I’m still there I start to feel uncomfortable I feel like I should say something But I don’t I brush it off He’s still talking about her He has the decency to say “sorry” Sorry for describing a woman with explicit and sexual details? Or is he sorry that I listened? Either way He continues Should I say something? I wanted to but for some reason I decided not to That’s the problem now We can be aware of so many things that are wrong And we do nothing Is it because we’re afraid to speak? Is it because I’m a woman and I’m terrified that he could’ve done something to me? Endless questions Endless thinking

so many words that exist in this universe and your name is the one i cannot stand. every time i have to hear it, your name somehow goes into my mouth and explores the rest of me. to the point where it finds my bones and breaks it until i can no longer feel anything. it makes me feel miserable. i learned what that feels like with you.

I'm tired of giving my entire soul to people who only know how to destroy it I'm sick of hearing the same promises my heart keeps shattering time after time I get my hopes up knowing that it might be a dead end I'm exhausted from giving too much and receiving nothing in return I recuperate and the same thing happens again It's a cycle I wonder when it will end I wonder if anyone will ever understand me