#fakecaring

Hey, I don't want to jump to any conclusions but it seems like you might not have Internet till you get back on Friday because you didn't seem to have any last week after Wednesday until you got to Mumbai. I just have a few things I wanted to discuss a bit with you, and I think we can brainstorm through them a little to help Ilya get through the next chunk of months. I, a little bit, keep feeling like we're playing catch-up instead of having regular communication, which is what I really need. It's really frustrating to feel like we're only speaking once every two weeks, and only after I ask you to find a time to Skype. Is there any way we can make a schedule or we can find a way for you to also reach out to me sometimes? Can you download a text message app to your phone? I'm just feeling like our communication hasn't improved or increased much since you were traveling, and that wasn't really a super sustainable way of being for us. I don't want to stress you out and I know you're leading a trip right now (and hopefully having a lot of fun); I'm just feeling sort of overwhelmed and unhappy with our current arrangement and I feel like there are small, easy fixes. I, guess mostly, i feel like I have no way of communicating with you short of emailing you and waiting for a response- sort of like I'm putting myself out there and that I'm standing alone.  I want to tell you about the run. I want to hear about your site visit and your trip. I want to talk more about grad school stuff or hear where you are with it all. Mostly, I need you to tell me how you feel about everything. I guess I feel a bit lacking for affection right now. I really really appreciated your note before my run; I don't want you to think I didn't really appreciate it. I just feel a bit like you've been somewhat holding back with being emotional toward me- telling me you miss me and things like that. And maybe I'm just imagining that. I dunno. I think this distance is really taking a toll. It's been a really long time, Larkin, and it's hard for me without regular contact. Let me know what you think about any of this. Sorry if its caught you off guard or makes you frustrated. I feel frustrated too. I miss you and love you a lot.

***

Him:

I can’t talk now. This wasn't the email I wanted to read in the middle of a stressful trip.