#faintwaves

Few will read this, of that I have no doubt. However, I’ve always enjoyed writing and I think for my sanity, it’s important I record some things here. For myself, if no one else.

I’m coming up on ten years since the inception of this project. I wasn’t particularly doing anything other than tinkering and you could argue I didn’t even really begin, as I am now, until 2015. However, the project began, the name was created and the idea was born in 2013. With that in mind, I think it’s important for me to acknowledge that I have not made the strides I thought I would in this amount of time. Yet, I’ve also accomplished more than I could’ve dreamed. It’s a conundrum, I know. I suppose it’s the dream vs the expectation. Did I expect what I’ve gotten, how far I’ve come? I didn’t and that’s why I’m proud of what I’ve built, even if it’s not as grand as you or I might think it should be after nearly a decade.

I use that word, “built”, because it’s very much true. I have put music and this project first in many respects, sometimes even to my detriment. I’ve fought to get to something, to create something, to find my sounds and construct a musical world with them. In the process, I’ve struggled and I’ve learned, and I’ve made strides musically. I’m still learning, I will be until the end. Time has passed and I’ve done so much, I can look at my body of work and I see now that I’ve made music I love and sought out before I was a musician. Of course, my relationship with it is not one like the listener, but it’s gratifying in a different way. It’s been a long road and I guess that’s why I’m writing this, reflecting on everything and sort of declaring where I am and how I’m moving forward with this project.

I’ve struggled a lot during the tenure of this project, on a personal level. I hesitate to use the word suffering, because there are individuals out there who face true strife and hardship every day. Me, my problems and the turmoil I’ve faced, much of it is my own doing — be it directly or indirectly. Some it as well is because I’m so sensitive, it’s far easier for me to shut out or ignore feelings I dislike than to actually face and process cruelty and sadness of any fashion. I suppose life and the last six years in particular, they’ve jaded and hindered me. I’ve wallowed, grieved, and I’ve succumb to torment and anguish, both mental and physical. I have broken through all that but I will have to fight for the rest of my life, likely. This all sounds bleak but I assure you, I am well. The worst is behind me. I’m just saying that there’s much I’ve worked through and likely, will continue to work through, as time goes on. How Faint Waves factors in, is complicated. There have been times where I felt I haven’t had it in me to continue, others where I feel inspired and could keep going forever. Balance or clarity in that respect, it’s rare for me.

I have no intention of ending this project, I suppose that’s important to address. My output in recent years has probably been evidence enough of that. Simultaneously though, I know this road can’t continue like it has been. Things must change. Pumping out themed EP’s is nice, as a novelty, but it’s not something I can do forever. Thus far, the muse has been there and the EP’s have come, with relative ease. Most of them have been “successful”, it hasn’t been a case of diminishing returns. For that I am grateful. Thank you for your support. However, beyond the muse and the inspiration, I have to continue to build. There are certain goal posts I’ve reached in increments over the years, the most recent is getting an entirely original work of mine (and mine alone) on physical. Which is happening, my EP, Statue & Palm (originally intended for release through Adhesive Sounds), will be on tape through Utopia District (not Tiger Blood as I originally thought). It’s happening though, at least.

That’s one less goal, which is great, and I’ll be glad when it’s behind me. On to the next. I have to keeping striving for something more, in respect to my life and my music. I say “my life” because, even after all these years, I don’t understand myself as well as I like and I’m unsure of who I am as a person. That’s a personal detail and again, there’s a great lack of balance and clarity there. Maybe the picture will be clear one day or perhaps, it never will be. I don’t know. I may never reach a true “self”. I feel compelled to keep searching, though. I haven’t found whatever it is I’m looking for and despite my many strides in certain areas like my years of sobriety, I feel my life and my inner being is still in disrepair. I can’t blame the music for that, if anything, it’s helped me. It’s the great love of my life and my purpose, one of them at least. It always has been. Yet, like I said, I’ve put it first time and again. Perhaps, that’s simply not sustainable like it has been. I must put me first and look ahead, continue growing and changing, and learning. The desire for that might be why I’ve been looking toward the future, trying to imagine how I could continue, as a person and as Faint Waves.

The only thing to say in that respect, is that there’s a lot of work to be done. Especially in terms of myself. As for Faint Waves, what I have envisioned lately, is quite ambitious. I’ve always known how to dream, it’s just bringing those dreams to life that I’ve struggled with. A way forward that I can see is, of course, finally constructing a live show for Faint Waves and taking it out there on the road. Which, needless to say, is no small task. Frankly, it isn’t at all doable right now and won’t happen this year, but it’s now something I want to work toward. It’s never once really been on the table, despite the occasional ask, but I can see how to do it now. Other goal posts have to come first, I need to grow as a musician and my audience has to grow substantially for it to be a legitimate option, so we’re talking three years minimum if I’m being realistic. Even so, the desire is there, for the first time. It came after a sort of epiphany I had watching a concert film, it was one of those rare moments of clarity where I had enough perspective to see that it was within my power.

Another goal, is a true full length album, maybe more than that in the long term. I say “true”, because Great Blue is almost like more of an eclectic mixtape rooted in pop and dance sounds, a concept album almost. I would like to make a cohesive, concrete full length debut album, featuring both instrumental songs and vocal tracks. One area that has become clearer with time, is the artist that I am, it’s just becoming the one that I can be that I must work toward. Some other things, on a personal level, have to happen before I can get there. It’s a confluence of things, a storm, and I am in the eye of it. I am scared and hopeful in regards to the person I can become, I am grieving the person I thought I wanted to be but now understand that I cannot be, and I am being the person who simultaneously feels stuck and as though I am running out of time. Faint Waves, too, is caught in the middle of all of it. So, I have to keep putting in the work, trying to understand and learn. I have to change, the music has to change, I have to make decisions, and find direction. There’s a future for me and a future for Faint Waves, I can see how they can coincide, and that makes me optimistic for the future — no matter how daunting it may be.