#failed failed failed

“Hey, Cassie.” Cassie was suddenly aware that the conversation had ended, and that every girl in the group was looking straight at her. Jake Berenson had walked across the cafeteria to talk to her. Despite knowing how silly it all was, Cassie found herself swallowing a little, both intimidated and strangely smug under the intensity of the looks. “Could I… uh…” Jake gave a minute glance to his right where all the girls were seated, a lot more wary about their presence than Cassie was. “Speak to you, for a moment, please? Alone?”

“Sure,” Cassie said, trying to keep her voice light and breezy as her intimidated-smug-shyness turned to gut-dropping worry. What had suddenly come up that was so important it couldn’t wait until after school? Trying not to walk too quickly, Cassie followed Jake as he led her away from the table. To her complete surprise, he stopped only a few feet away, by an empty table, instead of heading out into the deserted hallways. “What’s wrong?” she asked very softly, standing closer than she ordinarily would have to try and stop them from being overheard.

Jake blinked for a second and then quickly shook his head. “No, no, it’s nothing like that,” he said hurriedly, and Cassie felt the tension in her shoulders slacken. “Sorry. No, it’s just… uh… I didn’t want to… in front of Rachel…” Jake was beginning to blush, staring fixatedly at a hole she knew she had in the shoulder of her shirt. “I mean,” he tried again, and he sounded a little desperate. “My parents kinda freaked out because I was home late the other night after we…” Ran around as horses getting shot at to try and steal what turned out to be an alien toilet. “Uh… hung out.” He shifted, still staring at her shoulder. “And I told them I was out with all of you but they seemed very fixed on the part where you were involved and… uh… well, they… they think we’re kinda dating.”

As his face flamed brighter red, hers decided to get with the colour scheme as well. Her heart beat like a bass drum in her chest, attraction and embarrassment and a sort of dawning horror creating percussion inside of her. Her and Jake dating was the same conclusion her parents had used against her, but she’d thought they’d only been joking to embarrass her into obedience. Had they really called the Berensons? Or had the Berensons called them? Did both sets of parents assume her and Jake were… were… were…

“I couldn’t convince her we weren’t dating. Not that I…!” His eyes flew to hers, wide, and Cassie felt something warm and gooey explode inside of her. Jake looked away again, quickly, his entire face beet red. “I mean,” he told the ground in a mumble, “I don’t mind that she thinks we’re...” Some sort of angel chorus seemed to erupt inside Cassie’s head at his words. He didn’t mind that people thought they were dating. Her and Jake dating. “It’s just that we’re obviously not dating. Anyway,” he carried on, hurriedly, shoulders hunched as he tried to make himself look smaller in his obvious uncomfortable mortification, “Mom’s writing group is doing this Christmas thing in the bookstore one of them own and she said she needed a girl’s help and was all ‘Oh, well, we really need to get to know Cassie a whole lot better so ask her along and we can go for dinner afterwards’.” He took a deep breath. “Which is… why I’m here… I told her you were busy, but she somehow knew I was lying, so…”

He pulled a face, and the irony of the fact that that was the lie his mom caught him out on was not lost on Cassie. She took a deep, calming breath. “I’d love to help.” He eyeballed her. “You help out around the barn all the time,” she reasoned. “And I am your friend, even if I’m not your…” She couldn’t say the word girlfriend in front of him; it got choked somewhere in her throat. “So I’ll come help and we both explain to your mom we’re not dating and… I mean, you came over to my place for dinner, and Thanksgiving…” She didn’t feel it was prudent to mention that half the town had showed up at the massive outdoor table her family had provided for that year’s community Thanksgiving. “So… When and where?”

She tried to sound more confident and assured than she really was. After a beat of silence, she was rewarded by one of Jake’s rare smiles, his eyes warming up in affection as her answer washed over him. She was really glad her skin tone hid how red her face really was.

***

Cassie could still remember a time when the mall hadn’t been built yet, and the quaint little The Write Pages was the only bookstore in town. People were still loyal to the small family-run store, and it was with an air of familiarity that she took a step inside. She had less than a minute to take a look around before Jake came barrelling up to meet her, his face set and looking rather horrified.

“Run,” he told her, a little breathless. “Run, and I’ll tell my mom you felt sick. Just get out while you still – ”

“Cassie!” Jake closed his eyes in utter defeat, and Cassie suddenly felt a little alarmed about the whole situation. What was going on? “So glad you could make it; thank you so much for helping us out!”

Cassie forced a smile as she turned to Mrs Berenson, too many battles making her want to keep her eyes trained on Jake for his next order on how to get out of whatever mess he’d identified. “Of course, Mrs Berenson! I’m so happy to help. What, uh, exactly is it that you need me to do?”

“I just need crowd control, sweetie,” Mrs Berenson said, handing Cassie a pile of material. “The kids are coming in to see Santa, and I just need somebody to keep them – and their parents – controlled and happy. And unfortunately that costume is rather small, so you were just the perfect match!”

Cassie stared at the bundle in her arms; it was green and made from faux-velvet. On the top sat a pair of fake elf ears. Realisation struck, and her mouth formed a little O of horror. Her eyes met Jake’s, and she saw the sympathy and embarrassment in his expression.

“Don’t worry,” Mrs Berenson went on, misreading the mortification that was no doubt creeping across Cassie’s face, “Jake’s going to be there to help you.”

Jake’s face twisted into something helpless and distraught. “Mom,” he said, very weakly, “Mom, we don’t even celebrate Christmas. We’re Jewish,” he pleaded.

“It’s for the kids, Jake. We’re not celebrating it ourselves. Come on; Santa is going to be here any minute. Go show Cassie where she can change in the back.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jake said, sounding shell-shocked as his mother gave them a friendly little push to the back of the store before hurrying off to go and do other last-minute things. “I didn’t have any idea she meant… I…” He shook his head in wide-eyed confusion. “We’re Jewish,” he repeated to the air, as though somebody might hear and come and save him from his fate.

“Are you an elf too?” Cassie asked him as they walked slowly toward the back, both horrified at the idea of getting changed.

Jake gave her a bleak look. “A reindeer,” he said. “I have antlers and everything. And a red nose.” He ran a hand down his face, a gesture sad-familiar to her by then. “Pretend you have a stomach bug,” he said, suddenly in his Leader Voice. “Sneak out the side and clutch your stomach and whatever and we can get you a lift home and everything will be okay. Can you barf on command like Marco?” He looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“Jake.” Automatically, she put a hand on his arm, jerking it away when she realised what she was doing. “I’m not going to leave you here by yourself in this.”

“People from school could come by at any time,” he pointed out.

She smiled softly. “I’m already the girl with the poop jeans,” she reminded him. “What’s being elf girl if it helps make some children happy? If it helps out a… good friend?” He blinked at her. “Sometimes you need a little bit of ridiculous fun and a bit of a wondrous lie to cover the truth and make things magical and less real. I mean, don’t you wish you didn’t know the truth?” His face shadowed, and she smiled sadly. “I’m here to make their Christmas a little bit brighter.” This time, she didn’t remove her hand from his arm. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

She regretted her decision when she was pulling on the ridiculous elf costume in the break room, especially when she discovered how tight it was around her stomach and thighs. But there was nothing else for it; she’d promised. So, feeling her heart in her throat and misery and embarrassment already forming a lead weight in her gut, she stepped out of the room. And came face-to-face with Jake in a reindeer costume inches too short for him, complete with floppy fake antlers and a ridiculous red nose. Both of them stared at each other for a moment, and then they burst out laughing.

“Marco and Rachel never get to see this,” Jake said once he could catch his breath.

“They barely get to hear about this,” Cassie agreed. “This is just our little secret.”

“You can still run,” he told her, one antler flopping over his eye.

She shook her head. “I’ll follow you anywhere,” she murmured at him, and instantly the moment turned serious. She swallowed, hard. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m not.”

He opened his mouth, but then closed it without saying anything. There was something strange on his face; something sad and old and brittle, but also infinitely strong. Maybe that was why, she thought irrationally, Andalites called their commanders princes; that look on Jake’s face had something regal to it.

“Oi, Santa’s helpers, you’re needed out there, pronto.” A young lady stuck her head around the corner, making sure they were actually coming instead of running away. “Also, look like you’re friends – hold hands or something.”