#fail stories

I'm a 32 year old woman who can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I'm an idiot.

My dentist is a very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us "being strangers." My immediate reply was "oh, you're not a stranger! You've been inside of my mouth for 20 minutes!" I did NOT intend to make a sexual joke. His face turned red and he was clearly embarrassed but he continued on like a true professional and we were probably both relieved when the appointment was over.

Standard, this didn’t happen today.

So I was sitting in my flatmates bedroom being a pest as per usual after a hard day of procrastinating at university. While watching him play Rocket League I found myself absentmindedly flicking the flint on his lighter.

After a particularly shocking attempt to block a goal in Rocket League by my flatmate, I found myself looking around his room for another source of entertainment.

1 week ago...

Was riding the Death Train out of Bangkok to the border of Myanmar on an adventure vacation. For some reason the train was mostly empty aside from us. As it approached one of the most iconic locations--the Bridge on the River Kuai--I felt a rumbly in my tummy.

Luckily it turns out the train is equipped with decently modern facilities including a sitting toilet (not a squatter) and a window to enjoy the view as you do your thing. So I sit down and zone out, and then am startled by the sound of hundreds of people cheering very close out the window.

I look out and there's the crowd all along the side of the bridge as the train passes. They're cheering, waving, taking photos. From their perspective I'm just a guy sitting on an empty train, an iconic and historic train that they had all come to see. I realize that they can't actually see what I'm doing below the window... but that doesn't make it any less awkward.

All of them cheering. Me, sitting there grimacing... I had to just put on a smile and wave. I saw hundreds of pictures being taken, people yelling "Hello" in broken english, it was perhaps the closest I've ever come to fame.

TL;DR Took a poo on a train while hundreds of people cheered me on and took photos through the window

Obligatory this actually happened today. Fucking ruined my whole morning.

Like the majority of people; I need caffiene to function in the morning. I dislike coffee, but have grown accustomed to the sugary/caffiene/chemical slurry that is Tim Hortons French Vanilla Cappuccino. I buy tins of it and make it at home in a to go mug because its $8 a week instead of nearly $3 daily.

  So this shit makes cups smell fucking rancid after a few hours. I clean my stainless steel mug with white vinegar every morning, because even a dishwasher wont get rid of that awful smell.

I boil my water, pour in the 6 HEAPING TABLESPOONS OF SUGAR CONCENTRATE into my mug, mix it up and go. A few minutes into driving to work I take a fat swig and swallow.

OMG what fucking vile concoction is this? I must have not dumped the vinegar after cleaning my mug, shit. I very nearly blew chunks all over my dashboard.

  My wife phones me 30 minutes later when she woke up. First words- “do not drink your french vanilla”.

I said I know, I left vinegar in there and it was awful.

She replies with: The pot of “water” you boiled this morning was actually all vinegar. I was cleaning it yesterday and didn’t finish.

:/

  TL;DR I made my morning “coffee” with a pot of boiled fucking vinegar.

Happened yesterday.

I was doing some homework on my pc. I had gazillion chrome tabs and windows open. One of the windows had groupchat and the google docs document open. After working 6 hours straight, I thought some relief was needed. So I comboed ctrl + N and typed pornhub and switched quickly to see what was posted in groupchat on my second monitor. I then proceeded to type in my login information, and as I hit enter, nothing happens. Hmm... I try again, same result. Then the panic hits me.

Yesterday evening my GF and i thought it would be nice to watch Lord of the Rings after coming home quite late. After aproximately 4 hours i was really tired and couldnt think straight anymore. She had her "strawberry week" so she was plugged, which I frankly didnt care too much about. We just came along the credits in the movie and i was casually stroking her ass when i realised there is a thread hanging somewhere.

As usual for r/tifu this didn't happen today but several years ago when I was a kid. It's pretty embarrassing but maybe you'll get a laugh out of it.

One day I came home from school and my mom and my brother were having a very important conversation in the kitchen.

Happend this afternoon, I'm still reeling.

Backstory, GF's mum is strictly vegan, nothing that ever came from, touched, or probably was sniffed by a live animal would ever get on her dinner plate. She's a bit obsessive about the wholesome lifestyle, but oh well. GF's dad goes along, but I have long suspected more for the sake of household peace than out of his own conviction. GF never officially got to eat meat growing up, but cheated every once in a while. Nowadays, GF and I try to limit our meat intake for environmental reasons, but I'm not going to give up my occasional burger or striploin as a treat. GF and I moved in together two years ago, but since GF's parents live in another province I've actually only seen them a couple of times for a few days.

To the TIFU. This week was the first time GFs parents were coming to town to visit us, and planned to stay with us for two nights before continuing their trip to visit family in the prairies. I had taken a couple of days off work, and prepared mentally and physically (vegan meals) as much as I could. That included some of these new meatless vegan burger patties for our welcome BBQ today. I usually make my burgers in advance and freeze them in portions, for frugality's sake. That includes mixing the meat with rolled oats, carrots, shredded mozzarella, paprika and other spices. Makes for a fantastic burger if I might say so. I proceeded with the same recipe for the meatless burger patties - I had them before and I found them surprisingly good if a bit bland so I took them out of the package, mixed everything up and out the patties back together. I wasn't going to have that with the in-laws to impress. So last week I get the meatless patties ready (minus the mozzarella b/c veganism - this gets important) and throw them in the freezer. We proceed with our week.

Yesterday we took to cleaning the place in preparation of the arrival, including GF cleaning the fridge and freezer. This morning I took out the bag of burgers to thaw. Early afternoon the in-laws roll into town and we have a great time. We proceed to sit down on the patio and I serve up the entire arsenal of wholesomeness I have to offer. Homemade kombucha and sourdough burger buns, fancy vegan blue cheese (cost me a fortune) on the new and improved meatless patties. GF's mum was gleaming with joy of us saving the planet in basically one sitting. The burgers are a huge success. GF's dad proclaims that he has never had a burger as good since he stopped eating meat (I'm pretty sure he cheats). GF's mum is blown away by the taste and cannot believe the miracle of science making something like this burger possible. Needless to say, I'm pretty pleased with myself and take a hearty bite out of my burger. And it truly is amazing what my recipe did to those meatless patties. Especially with that blue cheese and mozzarella. Mozzarella. I die inside. I excuse myself and check the freezer. My vegan patties are still in there, GF sorted things back in reversed order after cleaning it out and I had taken the patties on the top, forgetting that I still had some older meat patties - with mozzarella. I just served GF's mum her first ever real burger. And she loves it.

I ask GF to help me with something in the kitchen and explain the situation to her. She freaks out, runs to her mum and basically slaps the burger (that is half gone at this point) out of her hand. "It's meat!". I go pale. GF's dad sinks back in his chair. GF's mum drops everything, including the colour of her face - minus a few blotches of purple-red on her neck, and storms into the bathroom and throws up. Dad - "Well, the damage is done I guess" and finishes the burger. (What a hero) GF tends to her mum. I run around like a headless chicken. Awkward af. Eventually I can't take the suspense any longer and gtfo to hunker down in the garage. Once I hear commotion inside I realize that I have to face the situation and make my way back inside. GF's mum is out in the car, in the passenger seat tilted back, eyes closed. Dad collects the things and makes his way out, they have to leave to "get to the rest of the family early - their ... plans had changed". And ends with "I want to say the burger was worth it, but I'll have to see how things unfold first. Farewell." The "farewell" killed me. I don't think I've ever heard anybody use it irl, and I cannot read him enough to judge his thoughts.

GF is pretty devastated but at least doesn't blame me. I'm not sure if I'll ever see her mother again.

TL;DR: Fed MIL some dead cow, now I wish I was as dead as said cow.