#faftrans

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

She seemed flustered when she thought she lost her diary. Her favourite movie, her favourite place to go, her favorite flowers to even her dreams appear on every future page being turned. It was something that I had done for her. The words ‘Sorry’ didn’t come out easily. The red diary laid between us at the intersection.

I wanted to give her happiness. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to be someone she would like. I thought that if I followed the words in the diary, I would be that person. But that wasn’t the case. I became more scared when I became someone else. I really don’t want to be caught (for being me). I don’t want disappointment to follow afterwards. Desperately, I turned my head away to hide myself. But just as one cannot put a full stop to a sentence without subject, the me who could not improve himself and continued to wander in the same place.

Now, I know. The me who lacks, makes mistakes and fails is all part of me afterall. No matter how cruel or how merciless things are, by being true to myself would I, only be able to move forward. I stood up from my position and she didn’t try to grab me.

I walked out to the street and removed my hat. As I run my fingers through my hair, all the time spent trying to be someone else slipped through my fingers. I lifted my head and saw my reflection in the mirror. A frail face, pale lips and thin shoulders. I looked unkempt. I laughed. The me in the mirror laughed too.

25 June YEAR 19

A flower pot was by the window in the storage classroom, with its owner being unknown. Who among my dongsaengs would bring this flowerpot? I took out my handphone. The classroom was always dark since there wasn’t any electricity and with the vague light coming in through the dirty window, I could see the green leaves outside. The photo I took by my phone didn’t come out well. It wasn’t just because it was taken by a handphone. I always thought that photos cannot capture what can be seen by the eyes.

As I approached, I could see a ‘H’ underneath the flower pot. I lifted it up. The words ‘Hoseok’s flower pot’ appeared. I chuckled. Of course, no one else among the dongsaengs except for Hoseok who would bring a flower pot. I put the flower pot down so that only the ‘H’ would be visible. Until now, never once have I noticed but the windows were scribbled all over. Not just the windowsill, but the ceiling as well. “Pass or Die”.The names of crushes. dates, and numerous names that can’t be read.

This classroom wasn’t used for storage in the beginning. Students would every day go to class and then in the afternoons, they would empty them. It would have been empty during school vacations and then filled again once school started. Would there have been students like us who were late and received punishments and ended up missing class? Would there have been merciless violent teachers and endless tests and homework? Also, would there have been someone like me? Someone who told on their friends to the principal.

I wondered if my father’s name might have been among these. This place was also my father’s alma mater. My father was someone who believed that by attending the same higih school, the same college was a wat of preserving the family’s dignity. I scanned all the names and found my father’s one. It was in the middle of the left wall amongst several others. Underneath, a sentence was written. “Everything started from here.”

Yoongi 29 July YEAR 22

What was the reason that the melody kept coming to me after I lost the person who practiced with me and played the guitar? Laying buried on the couch, I stared at the piano that was a distance away. After being expelled from school, I threw away my mother’s piano key. It was the only thing that I had taken from the ruins of the burned building, it was half burned and I threw it out of the apartment window. I thought that would end it. I told myself again the promise that I would never touch a piano ever again.

Early in the morning, I took the stairs because I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I thought I had fallen asleep quickly but the sun was already rising. Suddenly, memories of last night came back to me. There was nothing in the flowerbed outside the window. The security guard told me that the garbage truck had come not too long ago. That was how I lost my mother’s piano key.

Even after that, I gave up on music countlessly. Now I won’t. I won’t come back, music is nothing, yet as I tried to run away, I knew. I knew that I would start music again, the same way as I stumbled down the stairs. Music was that kind of subject to me. In music, I was just as free as I was suffering, confused but also lucid, fear and confidence, hope and despair, as if I was living inside all those conflicting emotions.

Suddenly, I wanted to play the piano. Inside it, I wanted to meet me who only pretended to be strong, even though in reality, I was fearful and a coward. I wanted to pour out curses and sarcasm, give wounds and hit and destroy and pull and cry. And I didn’t want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that was made by the guitar and piano. This time, it seemed like I could.

11 April YEAR 22

I kept on walking, though I had a sense that Jungkook was following from a distance. As the train tracks stretched out, containers continued to appear. It’s the 4thcontainer from the back. Hoseok said he had plans to meet with Namjoon and Taehyung, and told me to come too. I told him I would come, but I didn’t really intend to go. I hated getting involved with others and Hoseok knew that. He probably didn’t have any thoughts of me turning up.

When I opened the door, I could see Hoseok’s surprised face. Then he discovered Jungkook and approached him with mixed emotions. I passed by both of them and headed to the container. “How long has it been?” I could hear the sounds of Hoseok trying to pull Jungkook and Jungkook being embarrassed.

I could hear Namjoon bringing Taehyung in. Taehyung’s shirt was torn on one side. When we asked what happened, Namjoon pretended to rap his knuckles against Taehyung. “This brat was late because he was arrested by the police for doing graffiti and I had to go pick him up.” Taehyung made an exaggerated apologetic face and talked animatedly how his shirt was torn when he ran away from the police.

I sat in the corner and watched them. Namjoon gave Taehyung a shirt to change into, Hoseok pulled out hamburgers and drinks. Jungkook being in the middle but was unsure of what to do or where to go. Looking back in high school, this was how it was. In the hideout classroom, Namjoon would give Taehyung a talk, Hoseok would move around noisily while Jungkook would hover, not knowing where to go.

How long has it been since we have gathered. I don’t remember it well. How are Seokjin Hyung and Jimin? A thought unlike of mine came to me. This was a place I had come for the first time, but my heart is already at ease.

Namjoon 20 July YEAR 22

I skimmed across the magazine advertisements and lifted my head. There were so many different faces of those who sat at the corner table the last few days across me. A thick book, large bag and a white paper cup alike but it still wasn’t her. Again, I went back to skimming the magazines. I had been looking at the same page for more than an hour. Because of the repetitive thoughts, my eyes couldn’t pick up the letters at all. I asked myself why am I sitting here. No answer came to me. Amongst those who were engrossed in something, I was lethargically looking through a magazine. I felt impatient for something to start. This isn’t how it is meant to be.

I returned the magazine and continued to walk across the bookshelves The books were in rows on bookshelves taller than I was. From the open window, a breeze blew, the smell of books wafting and the dust hovering. I thought about my high school years again. My friends and I, together, in that hideout classroom. At that time, it smelled the same. Had the ‘Current Me’ grow from the “Then Me’? I couldn’t be sure of it. Regardless, it could be that everything of me had stopped at that time since back then. I moved to the opposite bookshelf. I picked up a book I used to study back then. I had to start again. From everything I had given up, one at a time.

11 April YEAR 22

I finished with the gas and went in. But something brushed against my face and fell. Surprised, I took a step backwards to look at it. At the bottom of my feet was a crumpled bill. Out of reflex, I bent down to pick it up. The people in the car burst into laughter. I stopped for a moment. Seokjin Hyung was watching me from a distance. I couldn’t lift my head up. What do you do if you make eye contact with people who ride in expensive cars but put down and ridicule others? You have to face them. If you think what they’re doing is unjust, you have to face them. It’s not a matter of bravery, or pride or equality but it is something that needs to be done.

However, this was a gas station and I’m a part time-worker. If a customer threw trash, I had to clean it up. And if they cursed, I had to listen. And if they threw a bill on the floor, I had to pick it up. My body shook with humiliation. I clenched my fists. My fingernails dug into my skin.

At that moment, someone’s hand picked up the bill. The people in the car muttered and left as if the fun in it was gone. Even after they left, I couldn’t lift my head up. I lacked the confidence to look into Seokjin Hyung’s eyes. It wasn’t as though Hyung didn’t know about my cowardliness, my poverty and my circumstances. I didn’t want to show him this explicitly. Hyung stood at the end of my gaze and didn’t move. Neither did he approach me or did he speak.

Hoseok 13 August YEAR 22

Jimin and the kid was standing in the middle of the practice room. The 5-second wait after the beginning pose always seemed long. As soon as the music flowed from the speaker, the two of them started the first move. It was the choreography that I had practiced with the kid not too long ago. I sat on the floor of the room and monitored.

When I first found out that I couldn’t dance for the time being, because of my ankle, it had been really difficult. It was suffocating that I could only watch others dance. But as I helped Jimin practice and watched him grow, a realization dawned on me. The fact that I cant dance by myself wasn’t a big problem and that I could be happy by continuing with dance in other ways.

When I practice with Jimin, I didn’t let even the smallest mistake go by. Jimin sometimes subtly missed the timing or made movements that are smaller than what I expect. At those times, I stopped the music and scrutinized each move, one by one. But when I sat on the floor, as some kind o audience, and watched from here, Jimin’s dance looked different. I saw something bigger than just his small one-by-one movements. Things that I initially thought and dismissed of as mistakes when we practice together dawned on me differently. Such trivial mistakes and imperfections instead came together to give off a unique feeling. Of course, it would be different than mine, but Jimin had his own timing and own expressions. Jimin’s dance was bright and touches the heart just the way it was.

The music ended. Jimin’s dance ended as well. I saw that his face was shining with excitement and joy. The kid was standing next to him. The kid would be going overseas soon. Suddenly, we locked eyes. I gave a thumbs-up and the kid gave a big smile. It was strange. The kid didn’t look a thing like my mother. I can’t even remember my own mother’s face, so why did I think they looked similar? Suddenly, something in my heart ached. My to-be healed ankle twitched.

12 May YEAR 22

I opened the door of the emergency room and ran down the stairs. My heart was racing as if it was about to explode. The face that I had a glimpse of in the hospital hallway was of my mother’s. At the moment I looked back, the elevator doors opened and people pushed their way out. I pushed desperately among the people. And I saw my mother’s form going into the emergency room doors. Anxiously, I ran down two steps at a time. Without resting, I ran dome several flights.

“Mom!”. My mother stopped. I took another step forward. She turned around. I went down another flight. Her became visible. It was at that moment that my heel of the foot slipped on the edge of the stair and my center of gravity was pushed forward. I closed my eyes tight, bracing myself that I was going to fall flat on my face. Someone grabbed my arm, and thanks to that person, I narrowly avoided the fall and regained my balance. When I looked back, I saw Jimin standing there with a shocked expression. Before I could even say thank you, I turned my head again.

A woman was there. She looked surprised. Next to her was a young boy, staring at me and blinking with his big eyes. She isn’t my mother. I stood at the top of the stairs, blankly staring at the woman’s face.

I couldn’t remember what I said to escape that situation. I also didn’t ask how Jimin appeared there in the first place. My mind was too cluttered to be concerned about the small details. The woman wasn’t my mother. I might even have known that from the start. It had been more than ten years since she had left me alone at the theme park. My mother would have been older by now, and different from what I remembered. Even if I met her, I wouldn’t recognize her. No, by now, I could barely even remember her face.

I looked back. Jimin was following me in silence. Back in high school, after we parted ways in the emergency room, Jimin said he had to stay in the hospital. I thought of how he looked as if he didn’t know what to do when asked if he wanted to get out of the hospital. Couldn’t it be Jimin was trapped just like I was, unable to cling or break away from memories that bind us? I took a step towards him.

“Jimin-ah, let’s get out of here.”

Jimin 28 July YEAR 22

Today, I am left alone in the practice room. It was past twelve and the trains would have stopped running. Actually, I was waiting for the trains to stop running. That way, I could be left completely alone in the practice room. When we practiced together, my eyes were only focused on the areas where I lacked. That’s why I was restless, I was afraid. Yet, no matter what, I wanted to do it. So I stayed by myself every night.

As my days were spent like this, interestingly, the fear in my heart disappeared. Only the truth of dancing being fun remained. For a long time, I believed that the small, weak and powerless me was real. When I danced, I ended up thinking of my weight of my body or the length of my arms, speed or strength that I could make. When I danced, I didn’t feel small or weak. My skills improved greatly as much as I have practiced. The movements that had been stuttering at first were now being connected. I have grown. Even if the growth was as a fingernail, but I was still growing. I became aware that I was in reality, a talkative person. I knew that. When I danced, I was able to speak whatever I couldn’t say or hadn’t said. When I started to dance, for the first tine, I started to like myself.

15 May YEAR 22

When I opened my eyes, Hoseok Hyung was standing there. The familiar ceiling looked down at me with a familiar darkness. Startled, I tried to sipt up but he placed a finger on his lips. Everyone was sleep, my surroundings were quiet. Hyung immediately offered me a T-shirt, jerking his chin toward the exit of the hospital.

“We all came together” He mentioned that Namjoon Hyung was standing guard while Yoongi Hyung was buying time with the nurses. Jungkook and Taehyung would join us at the elevator in no time. At first, I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Hyung reached out a hand to me, while I was still in a daze.

The day I left the hospital. I had dreamt of that day sometimes. I wanted to leave the hospital and meet my friends. To spend some time with them laughing and talking the way we used to before. But now I didnt know. Was it a good idea to leave? My parents actually hid me in this place and pretended that I was someone who didn’t exist. People whispered I had a mental illness. I don’t know if Hoseok Hyung thought the same. Maybe he thought I was strange, that spending time with me made him uncomfortable.

“Come on, we don’t have time.” Maybe because of Hyung’s urging, the sound of the clock’s second hand sounded weirdly fast. Thump. Thump. The sound of footsteps, like an auditory hallucination, came closer and closer to the hospital room. Hyung and I turned simultaneously to look at the door, then looked at each other. Hyung’s hand was still in front of me.

Taehyung 11 August YEAR 22

As I turned around, I discovered some words underneath the ‘X’. It was a short sentence scratched onto the wall, saying ‘It wasn’t my fault.”. It was that kid. I didn’t see her, nor did I know her handwriting but somehow I knew. It looked her last greeting. Saying that her leaving wasn’t because of me. That the things that made her ‘fall’ was not because I was a bad person. It seemed like it was telling me not to blame myself or to be hung up on it, but instead to have courage.

When I finally got back to my senses, I was in front of my house. From the outside the door, I could hear Noona’s scream. I flung it open and entered. A familiar scene was laid out. I blocked my father. I grabbed his arm and look right at his face. Initially, he seemed to be shocked, but then he swing his fist. This is not the first time that I was knocked out. Noona’s crying became louder. My chin hurt.  The smell of dusty metal came from my own mouth. Yet, I didn’t give up. I grabbed my father’s waist. He gave off an angry scream. He mercilessly hit my back and shoulders but all the more I held on to him even tighter.

It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t that I wasn’t scared. But if I let go, the same daily cycle would repeat. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to change it.

No. I’m different from my father. I’m going to protect our family.

29 March YEAR 22

The gas station owner spat on the ground as he left. I laid down on the ground in the same position that I had crouched in. I was drawing at the back of the wall of the gas station, only to be caught by the owner, who beat me and angrily asked what I was doing, drawing on somebody else’s wall. I rolled around the floor. Getting hit was something that I was familiar and at the same time, unfamiliar with.

I started graffiti not too long ago. I took a spray can that someone threw away and started drawing on the wall. It was yellow colour. I sprayed it whatever I wanted and then looked up at it. I looked at the distinct yellow colour paint on the grey paint, then picked up another spray can. For a long time, I sprayed unknowingly on the wall. Only when the spray cans were all empty did my hands stop. I threw the can away and stepped back. My breath came as though I had been running with all my might.

I didn’t know what the colours on the wall meant. I didn’t know what I had done or why had I done it. But I had done it. I would assume that what I expressed were my feelings. I spewed out my heart onto the wall. Initially, I thought it was ugly. I thought it was something dirty. Something idiotic, useless and pitiful. I didn’t like it. I rubbed some of the wet paint with my hand. I wanted to erase it all. Yet, instead of erasing it, I ended up mixing and blending the colours and moulded different shapes. I sat against the wall. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not I liked it. It wasn’t a matter of whether it was beautiful or not. It was just me.

When I stood up, I coughed. I spat blood onto my hand. Then I saw someone’s hand picking up the spray can. I followed the hand up until I saw a face. I saw Namjoon Hyung’s face. I laughed. I thought I was seeing a ghost. Hyung reached out a hand. I simply looked up at him. Hyung took my hand and pulled me up. His hand was warm.

Jungkook 11 August YEAR 22

When I looked back, the hospital is really far away. I could no longer see the bench where I had left the wildflowers, neither could I see the window through wish I watched the river with the kid. As I reflected, that kid was a space for me to breathe in this stuffy hospital life. As we set on the hospital bench in the late afternoon talking about this and that, the sun had set. I told her about playing in the hideout classroom, going on a vacation to the beach and walking all the way up till the train station. She told me about all of the corners in the hospital , which window that you can see the river from, which staircase you could use to secretly climb up to the roof. There was nothing she didn’t know about the hospital.

Her hospital room was empty. Had she been discharged, or moved to another hospital? I asked the nurses. But none of them could tell me. For some reason, a corner of my heart felt empty. I turned around and just kept walking. From a distance, I could see the school. It seemed like most of the things I talked to her about was involved the Hyungs, and almost every single story started with them. To me, when I was alone, the Hyungs became my friends and family and teachers. My story was within their stories, and I only existed inside a relationship with them.

Yet, at some point, I started to think as such. That there may be a day where they would no longer be at my side. I might go looking for them to find out they’re gone, without any reason. Or maybe something even more could happen, I didn’t know.

I thought of that night. When the huge moon rose in the sky, the world turned upside-down, the headlamps I saw from an inverted view, the shape of the car that passed by me and eventually disappeared. The sound of the engine, which was familiar to me for some reason. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions. But even so, I just kept thinking of that moment.

28 May YEAR 19

“Hyungs, what are your dreams?” At my words, the Hyungs turned around. “It’s because I have to write a paper on future hopes.” I added. But Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth and said, “Hmm, I don’t know, I don’t think I have a dream. If I have something to hope for, it’s just wanting to be a good person?” Hyung cut himself off, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Then Yoongi Hyung who was stretched out on the piano bench said in a lingering tone, “It’s okay to not have a dream. I don’t have one. I’ll just be whatever.” At Yoongi’s-like words, everyone burst out laughing.

“I’m going to be a superhero, to save the world from bad guys.” Taehyung Hyung stood up on a chair and posed, stretching his arms up to the sky, Hoseok Hyung told him off saying that he would get hurt if he played that way. Then Hoseok mentioned, “I want to go to find my mom and live happily. Being happy is my dream.” Hyung smiled happily as he spoke. “Then, are you unhappy now?” Jimin Hyung was the one who asked him. Hoseok Hyung gave a worried expression and asked “Is that how it is?” Then Hoseok Hyung asked Jimin Hyung, “What is your dream?” “Me?” Jimin asked, blinking and flustered. He said, “When I was in preschool, I wanted to be the president but I don’t know what I wanted to be after that.”

Now only Namjoon Hyung was left. Perhaps feeling everyone’s gazes on him, Hyung shrugged and opened his mouth. “I wanted to say something nice but I don’t really have a dream. I just wished my part-time job paid more.” I nodded and looked down at my paper. The paper on hopes for the future was divided into spaces for the “student” and “parent”. What do I want to become? I couldn’t think of anything to write.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

She seemed flustered when she thought she lost her diary. Her favourite movie, her favourite place to go, her favorite flowers to even her dreams appear on every future page being turned. It was something that I had done for her. The words ‘Sorry’ didn’t come out easily. The red diary laid between us at the intersection.

I wanted to give her happiness. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to be someone she would like. I thought that if I followed the words in the diary, I would be that person. But that wasn’t the case. I became more scared when I became someone else. I really don’t want to be caught (for being me). I don’t want disappointment to follow afterwards. Desperately, I turned my head away to hide myself. But just as one cannot put a full stop to a sentence without subject, the me who could not improve himself and continued to wander in the same place.

Now, I know. The me who lacks, makes mistakes and fails is all part of me afterall. No matter how cruel or how merciless things are, by being true to myself would I, only be able to move forward. I stood up from my position and she didn’t try to grab me.

I walked out to the street and removed my hat. As I run my fingers through my hair, all the time spent trying to be someone else slipped through my fingers. I lifted my head and saw my reflection in the mirror. A frail face, pale lips and thin shoulders. I looked unkempt. I laughed. The me in the mirror laughed too.

11 April YEAR 22

The moment I closed my eyes, it was the 4thApril yet again. I opened the curtain with the glaring sunlight entering the room. When I raised my body, I was overwhelmed and closed my eyes. My surroundings changed to one that was of a reddish image and I saw Taehyung’s appearance. He was standing alone at the top of the observation platform at the beach. That happened on 22 May. It was the past and the future, something that already happened in the past but could still happen in the future. It was at that moment I thought everything was resolved.

I saw Taehyung climbing up the ladder as the sun began to set. The sky was still blue but gradually it began to have a red colour seeping in. When I lifted my head, I saw Taehyung climbing the ladder. When he reached the top, he looked down at us for a moment. Afterwards, he jumped. Just like a bird, like he had wings. Then for one moment, it seemed as if he stopped in the air, just like that the mirror cracked, the wind blew the curtains open and my senses came back.

And just like that, I opened my eyes and it was the 4th April again.

Yoongi 29 July YEAR 22

What was the reason that the melody kept coming to me after I lost the person who practiced with me and played the guitar? Laying buried on the couch, I stared at the piano that was a distance away. After being expelled from school, I threw away my mother’s piano key. It was the only thing that I had taken from the ruins of the burned building, it was half burned and I threw it out of the apartment window. I thought that would end it. I told myself again the promise that I would never touch a piano ever again.

Early in the morning, I took the stairs because I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I thought I had fallen asleep quickly but the sun was already rising. Suddenly, memories of last night came back to me. There was nothing in the flowerbed outside the window. The security guard told me that the garbage truck had come not too long ago. That was how I lost my mother’s piano key.

Even after that, I gave up on music countlessly. Now I won’t. I won’t come back, music is nothing, yet as I tried to run away, I knew. I knew that I would start music again, the same way as I stumbled down the stairs. Music was that kind of subject to me. In music, I was just as free as I was suffering, confused but also lucid, fear and confidence, hope and despair, as if I was living inside all those conflicting emotions.

Suddenly, I wanted to play the piano. Inside it, I wanted to meet me who only pretended to be strong, even though in reality, I was fearful and a coward. I wanted to pour out curses and sarcasm, give wounds and hit and destroy and pull and cry. And I didn’t want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that was made by the guitar and piano. This time, it seemed like I could.

11 April YEAR 22

I kept on walking, though I had a sense that Jungkook was following from a distance. As the train tracks stretched out, containers continued to appear. It’s the 4thcontainer from the back. Hoseok said he had plans to meet with Namjoon and Taehyung, and told me to come too. I told him I would come, but I didn’t really intend to go. I hated getting involved with others and Hoseok knew that. He probably didn’t have any thoughts of me turning up.

When I opened the door, I could see Hoseok’s surprised face. Then he discovered Jungkook and approached him with mixed emotions. I passed by both of them and headed to the container. “How long has it been?” I could hear the sounds of Hoseok trying to pull Jungkook and Jungkook being embarrassed.

I could hear Namjoon bringing Taehyung in. Taehyung’s shirt was torn on one side. When we asked what happened, Namjoon pretended to rap his knuckles against Taehyung. “This brat was late because he was arrested by the police for doing graffiti and I had to go pick him up.” Taehyung made an exaggerated apologetic face and talked animatedly how his shirt was torn when he ran away from the police.

I sat in the corner and watched them. Namjoon gave Taehyung a shirt to change into, Hoseok pulled out hamburgers and drinks. Jungkook being in the middle but was unsure of what to do or where to go. Looking back in high school, this was how it was. In the hideout classroom, Namjoon would give Taehyung a talk, Hoseok would move around noisily while Jungkook would hover, not knowing where to go.

How long has it been since we have gathered. I don’t remember it well. How are Seokjin Hyung and Jimin? A thought unlike of mine came to me. This was a place I had come for the first time, but my heart is already at ease.

Namjoon 20 July YEAR 22

I skimmed across the magazine advertisements and lifted my head. There were so many different faces of those who sat at the corner table the last few days across me. A thick book, large bag and a white paper cup alike but it still wasn’t her. Again, I went back to skimming the magazines. I had been looking at the same page for more than an hour. Because of the repetitive thoughts, my eyes couldn’t pick up the letters at all. I asked myself why am I sitting here. No answer came to me. Amongst those who were engrossed in something, I was lethargically looking through a magazine. I felt impatient for something to start. This isn’t how it is meant to be.

I returned the magazine and continued to walk across the bookshelves The books were in rows on bookshelves taller than I was. From the open window, a breeze blew, the smell of books wafting and the dust hovering. I thought about my high school years again. My friends and I, together, in that hideout classroom. At that time, it smelled the same. Had the ‘Current Me’ grow from the “Then Me’? I couldn’t be sure of it. Regardless, it could be that everything of me had stopped at that time since back then. I moved to the opposite bookshelf. I picked up a book I used to study back then. I had to start again. From everything I had given up, one at a time.

11 April YEAR 22

I finished with the gas and went in. But something brushed against my face and fell. Surprised, I took a step backwards to look at it. At the bottom of my feet was a crumpled bill. Out of reflex, I bent down to pick it up. The people in the car burst into laughter. I stopped for a moment. Seokjin Hyung was watching me from a distance. I couldn’t lift my head up. What do you do if you make eye contact with people who ride in expensive cars but put down and ridicule others? You have to face them. If you think what they’re doing is unjust, you have to face them. It’s not a matter of bravery, or pride or equality but it is something that needs to be done.

However, this was a gas station and I’m a part time-worker. If a customer threw trash, I had to clean it up. And if they cursed, I had to listen. And if they threw a bill on the floor, I had to pick it up. My body shook with humiliation. I clenched my fists. My fingernails dug into my skin.

At that moment, someone’s hand picked up the bill. The people in the car muttered and left as if the fun in it was gone. Even after they left, I couldn’t lift my head up. I lacked the confidence to look into Seokjin Hyung’s eyes. It wasn’t as though Hyung didn’t know about my cowardliness, my poverty and my circumstances. I didn’t want to show him this explicitly. Hyung stood at the end of my gaze and didn’t move. Neither did he approach me or did he speak.

Hoseok 13 August YEAR 22

Jimin and the kid was standing in the middle of the practice room. The 5-second wait after the beginning pose always seemed long. As soon as the music flowed from the speaker, the two of them started the first move. It was the choreography that I had practiced with the kid not too long ago. I sat on the floor of the room and monitored.

When I first found out that I couldn’t dance for the time being, because of my ankle, it had been really difficult. It was suffocating that I could only watch others dance. But as I helped Jimin practice and watched him grow, a realization dawned on me. The fact that I cant dance by myself wasn’t a big problem and that I could be happy by continuing with dance in other ways.

When I practice with Jimin, I didn’t let even the smallest mistake go by. Jimin sometimes subtly missed the timing or made movements that are smaller than what I expect. At those times, I stopped the music and scrutinized each move, one by one. But when I sat on the floor, as some kind o audience, and watched from here, Jimin’s dance looked different. I saw something bigger than just his small one-by-one movements. Things that I initially thought and dismissed of as mistakes when we practice together dawned on me differently. Such trivial mistakes and imperfections instead came together to give off a unique feeling. Of course, it would be different than mine, but Jimin had his own timing and own expressions. Jimin’s dance was bright and touches the heart just the way it was.

The music ended. Jimin’s dance ended as well. I saw that his face was shining with excitement and joy. The kid was standing next to him. The kid would be going overseas soon. Suddenly, we locked eyes. I gave a thumbs-up and the kid gave a big smile. It was strange. The kid didn’t look a thing like my mother. I can’t even remember my own mother’s face, so why did I think they looked similar? Suddenly, something in my heart ached. My to-be healed ankle twitched.

2 March YEAR 22

I liked being among people. When I left the orphanage, I worked part time at a fast food restaurant, having a knack of making others smile while I work. I liked that kind of work. Actually, in my life, there were very few reasons for me to laugh or to be cheerful. It’s clear that I’ve seen more bad people than the good ones. Maybe that’s the reason why I liked the job. If I smiled brightly, spoke loudly and reacted cheerfully, I could pretend, even to myself, that I felt that way, even if it was deliberately done by me. My mood improved when I laughed loudly, and when I treated people kindly, I became a kind person. Yet, there were hard days as well. After cleaning the store and going back home, even taking a step was difficult. There days filled with fussy customers too. But even so, it was easier to hold it in because of my friends back then, as compared to now.

Sometimes I thought of my friends when I look at the store packed with customers. Seokjin Hyung who transferred schools without saying anything, Namjoon, who disappeared one morning, Yoongi Hyung who was expelled and won’t pick up my calls, Taehyung, who knows, where or what kind of accident is he possibly in now, and Jimin, who never returned to school and the last time I saw him was at the emergency room. I had seen Jungkook wearing the school uniform a few times through the window, but he never visited the store. I wondered if all those times have passed by now.

Hearing the sound of a customer, I gave a loud greeting. I looked towards the door with a bright and healthy smile.

Jimin 28 July YEAR 22

Today, I am left alone in the practice room. It was past twelve and the trains would have stopped running. Actually, I was waiting for the trains to stop running. That way, I could be left completely alone in the practice room. When we practiced together, my eyes were only focused on the areas where I lacked. That’s why I was restless, I was afraid. Yet, no matter what, I wanted to do it. So I stayed by myself every night.

As my days were spent like this, interestingly, the fear in my heart disappeared. Only the truth of dancing being fun remained. For a long time, I believed that the small, weak and powerless me was real. When I danced, I ended up thinking of my weight of my body or the length of my arms, speed or strength that I could make. When I danced, I didn’t feel small or weak. My skills improved greatly as much as I have practiced. The movements that had been stuttering at first were now being connected. I have grown. Even if the growth was as a fingernail, but I was still growing. I became aware that I was in reality, a talkative person. I knew that. When I danced, I was able to speak whatever I couldn’t say or hadn’t said. When I started to dance, for the first tine, I started to like myself.

16 May YEAR 22

Hoseok Hyung’s house was actually quite high. A rooftop room of a deadlocked house at the end of a narrow, winding alley, some distance from a long street; that was Hyung’s house. When I entered the house, which was just one room, Hyung bragged that it was the top floor in the whole city; from which all the places that we have grown up from could be seen, laid down below our feet. Hyung said that there is so many things to see from this rooftop room. The nearby train station could be seen, and along the train tracks, the containers were also visible, Namjoon Hyung was living in one of those. If I look a little more, the school that we all attend would appear.

After finding the school, I lifted my head and looked at the other side of the city. At the foot of the mountain, there were some large apartment buildings. Right there, that’s my house, no, that’s my parent’s house. I didn’t tell anyone that I ran away from the hospital. If I did, they would have called my parents. Right now, maybe, I don’t know, they might be looking for me. I don’t have the confidence to see them face-to-face. Though I came out of the hospital, there is no way that I’m going home. Even as such, I have no desire to go back to the hospital. But I had nowhere to go and had no money. I stood hesitantly, before Hyung told me to follow him, leading the way, and how we arrived at this place – his house.

My eyes looked back to the apartment houses again. I didn’t want to meet my parents or go back to the hospital even though eventually I had to. I took a deep breath in. It seemed like a thought alone could cause a seizure. Truthfully, I didn’t trust myself enough to endure any other place other than the hospital. I could be rushed to the hospital again. I was so afraid, I couldn’t stand it.

Taehyung 11 August YEAR 22

As I turned around, I discovered some words underneath the ‘X’. It was a short sentence scratched onto the wall, saying ‘It wasn’t my fault.”. It was that kid. I didn’t see her, nor did I know her handwriting but somehow I knew. It looked her last greeting. Saying that her leaving wasn’t because of me. That the things that made her ‘fall’ was not because I was a bad person. It seemed like it was telling me not to blame myself or to be hung up on it, but instead to have courage.

When I finally got back to my senses, I was in front of my house. From the outside the door, I could hear Noona’s scream. I flung it open and entered. A familiar scene was laid out. I blocked my father. I grabbed his arm and look right at his face. Initially, he seemed to be shocked, but then he swing his fist. This is not the first time that I was knocked out. Noona’s crying became louder. My chin hurt.  The smell of dusty metal came from my own mouth. Yet, I didn’t give up. I grabbed my father’s waist. He gave off an angry scream. He mercilessly hit my back and shoulders but all the more I held on to him even tighter.

It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t that I wasn’t scared. But if I let go, the same daily cycle would repeat. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to change it.

No. I’m different from my father. I’m going to protect our family.

29 March YEAR 22

The gas station owner spat on the ground as he left. I laid down on the ground in the same position that I had crouched in. I was drawing at the back of the wall of the gas station, only to be caught by the owner, who beat me and angrily asked what I was doing, drawing on somebody else’s wall. I rolled around the floor. Getting hit was something that I was familiar and at the same time, unfamiliar with.

I started graffiti not too long ago. I took a spray can that someone threw away and started drawing on the wall. It was yellow colour. I sprayed it whatever I wanted and then looked up at it. I looked at the distinct yellow colour paint on the grey paint, then picked up another spray can. For a long time, I sprayed unknowingly on the wall. Only when the spray cans were all empty did my hands stop. I threw the can away and stepped back. My breath came as though I had been running with all my might.

I didn’t know what the colours on the wall meant. I didn’t know what I had done or why had I done it. But I had done it. I would assume that what I expressed were my feelings. I spewed out my heart onto the wall. Initially, I thought it was ugly. I thought it was something dirty. Something idiotic, useless and pitiful. I didn’t like it. I rubbed some of the wet paint with my hand. I wanted to erase it all. Yet, instead of erasing it, I ended up mixing and blending the colours and moulded different shapes. I sat against the wall. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not I liked it. It wasn’t a matter of whether it was beautiful or not. It was just me.

When I stood up, I coughed. I spat blood onto my hand. Then I saw someone’s hand picking up the spray can. I followed the hand up until I saw a face. I saw Namjoon Hyung’s face. I laughed. I thought I was seeing a ghost. Hyung reached out a hand. I simply looked up at him. Hyung took my hand and pulled me up. His hand was warm.

Jungkook 11 August YEAR 22

When I looked back, the hospital is really far away. I could no longer see the bench where I had left the wildflowers, neither could I see the window through wish I watched the river with the kid. As I reflected, that kid was a space for me to breathe in this stuffy hospital life. As we set on the hospital bench in the late afternoon talking about this and that, the sun had set. I told her about playing in the hideout classroom, going on a vacation to the beach and walking all the way up till the train station. She told me about all of the corners in the hospital , which window that you can see the river from, which staircase you could use to secretly climb up to the roof. There was nothing she didn’t know about the hospital.

Her hospital room was empty. Had she been discharged, or moved to another hospital? I asked the nurses. But none of them could tell me. For some reason, a corner of my heart felt empty. I turned around and just kept walking. From a distance, I could see the school. It seemed like most of the things I talked to her about was involved the Hyungs, and almost every single story started with them. To me, when I was alone, the Hyungs became my friends and family and teachers. My story was within their stories, and I only existed inside a relationship with them.

Yet, at some point, I started to think as such. That there may be a day where they would no longer be at my side. I might go looking for them to find out they’re gone, without any reason. Or maybe something even more could happen, I didn’t know.

I thought of that night. When the huge moon rose in the sky, the world turned upside-down, the headlamps I saw from an inverted view, the shape of the car that passed by me and eventually disappeared. The sound of the engine, which was familiar to me for some reason. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions. But even so, I just kept thinking of that moment.

28 May YEAR 19

“Hyungs, what are your dreams?” At my words, the Hyungs turned around. “It’s because I have to write a paper on future hopes.” I added. But Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth and said, “Hmm, I don’t know, I don’t think I have a dream. If I have something to hope for, it’s just wanting to be a good person?” Hyung cut himself off, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Then Yoongi Hyung who was stretched out on the piano bench said in a lingering tone, “It’s okay to not have a dream. I don’t have one. I’ll just be whatever.” At Yoongi’s-like words, everyone burst out laughing.

“I’m going to be a superhero, to save the world from bad guys.” Taehyung Hyung stood up on a chair and posed, stretching his arms up to the sky, Hoseok Hyung told him off saying that he would get hurt if he played that way. Then Hoseok mentioned, “I want to go to find my mom and live happily. Being happy is my dream.” Hyung smiled happily as he spoke. “Then, are you unhappy now?” Jimin Hyung was the one who asked him. Hoseok Hyung gave a worried expression and asked “Is that how it is?” Then Hoseok Hyung asked Jimin Hyung, “What is your dream?” “Me?” Jimin asked, blinking and flustered. He said, “When I was in preschool, I wanted to be the president but I don’t know what I wanted to be after that.”

Now only Namjoon Hyung was left. Perhaps feeling everyone’s gazes on him, Hyung shrugged and opened his mouth. “I wanted to say something nice but I don’t really have a dream. I just wished my part-time job paid more.” I nodded and looked down at my paper. The paper on hopes for the future was divided into spaces for the “student” and “parent”. What do I want to become? I couldn’t think of anything to write.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

She seemed flustered when she thought she lost her diary. Her favourite movie, her favourite place to go, her favorite flowers to even her dreams appear on every future page being turned. It was something that I had done for her. The words ‘Sorry’ didn’t come out easily. The red diary laid between us at the intersection.

I wanted to give her happiness. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to be someone she would like. I thought that if I followed the words in the diary, I would be that person. But that wasn’t the case. I became more scared when I became someone else. I really don’t want to be caught (for being me). I don’t want disappointment to follow afterwards. Desperately, I turned my head away to hide myself. But just as one cannot put a full stop to a sentence without subject, the me who could not improve himself and continued to wander in the same place.

Now, I know. The me who lacks, makes mistakes and fails is all part of me afterall. No matter how cruel or how merciless things are, by being true to myself would I, only be able to move forward. I stood up from my position and she didn’t try to grab me.

I walked out to the street and removed my hat. As I run my fingers through my hair, all the time spent trying to be someone else slipped through my fingers. I lifted my head and saw my reflection in the mirror. A frail face, pale lips and thin shoulders. I looked unkempt. I laughed. The me in the mirror laughed too.

25 June YEAR 19

A flower pot was by the window in the storage classroom, with its owner being unknown. Who among my dongsaengs would bring this flowerpot? I took out my handphone. The classroom was always dark since there wasn’t any electricity and with the vague light coming in through the dirty window, I could see the green leaves outside. The photo I took by my phone didn’t come out well. It wasn’t just because it was taken by a handphone. I always thought that photos cannot capture what can be seen by the eyes.

As I approached, I could see a ‘H’ underneath the flower pot. I lifted it up. The words ‘Hoseok’s flower pot’ appeared. I chuckled. Of course, no one else among the dongsaengs except for Hoseok who would bring a flower pot. I put the flower pot down so that only the ‘H’ would be visible. Until now, never once have I noticed but the windows were scribbled all over. Not just the windowsill, but the ceiling as well. “Pass or Die”.The names of crushes. dates, and numerous names that can’t be read.

This classroom wasn’t used for storage in the beginning. Students would every day go to class and then in the afternoons, they would empty them. It would have been empty during school vacations and then filled again once school started. Would there have been students like us who were late and received punishments and ended up missing class? Would there have been merciless violent teachers and endless tests and homework? Also, would there have been someone like me? Someone who told on their friends to the principal.

I wondered if my father’s name might have been among these. This place was also my father’s alma mater. My father was someone who believed that by attending the same higih school, the same college was a wat of preserving the family’s dignity. I scanned all the names and found my father’s one. It was in the middle of the left wall amongst several others. Underneath, a sentence was written. “Everything started from here.”

Yoongi 29 July YEAR 22

What was the reason that the melody kept coming to me after I lost the person who practiced with me and played the guitar? Laying buried on the couch, I stared at the piano that was a distance away. After being expelled from school, I threw away my mother’s piano key. It was the only thing that I had taken from the ruins of the burned building, it was half burned and I threw it out of the apartment window. I thought that would end it. I told myself again the promise that I would never touch a piano ever again.

Early in the morning, I took the stairs because I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I thought I had fallen asleep quickly but the sun was already rising. Suddenly, memories of last night came back to me. There was nothing in the flowerbed outside the window. The security guard told me that the garbage truck had come not too long ago. That was how I lost my mother’s piano key.

Even after that, I gave up on music countlessly. Now I won’t. I won’t come back, music is nothing, yet as I tried to run away, I knew. I knew that I would start music again, the same way as I stumbled down the stairs. Music was that kind of subject to me. In music, I was just as free as I was suffering, confused but also lucid, fear and confidence, hope and despair, as if I was living inside all those conflicting emotions.

Suddenly, I wanted to play the piano. Inside it, I wanted to meet me who only pretended to be strong, even though in reality, I was fearful and a coward. I wanted to pour out curses and sarcasm, give wounds and hit and destroy and pull and cry. And I didn’t want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that was made by the guitar and piano. This time, it seemed like I could.

11 April YEAR 22

I kept on walking, though I had a sense that Jungkook was following from a distance. As the train tracks stretched out, containers continued to appear. It’s the 4thcontainer from the back. Hoseok said he had plans to meet with Namjoon and Taehyung, and told me to come too. I told him I would come, but I didn’t really intend to go. I hated getting involved with others and Hoseok knew that. He probably didn’t have any thoughts of me turning up.

When I opened the door, I could see Hoseok’s surprised face. Then he discovered Jungkook and approached him with mixed emotions. I passed by both of them and headed to the container. “How long has it been?” I could hear the sounds of Hoseok trying to pull Jungkook and Jungkook being embarrassed.

I could hear Namjoon bringing Taehyung in. Taehyung’s shirt was torn on one side. When we asked what happened, Namjoon pretended to rap his knuckles against Taehyung. “This brat was late because he was arrested by the police for doing graffiti and I had to go pick him up.” Taehyung made an exaggerated apologetic face and talked animatedly how his shirt was torn when he ran away from the police.

I sat in the corner and watched them. Namjoon gave Taehyung a shirt to change into, Hoseok pulled out hamburgers and drinks. Jungkook being in the middle but was unsure of what to do or where to go. Looking back in high school, this was how it was. In the hideout classroom, Namjoon would give Taehyung a talk, Hoseok would move around noisily while Jungkook would hover, not knowing where to go.

How long has it been since we have gathered. I don’t remember it well. How are Seokjin Hyung and Jimin? A thought unlike of mine came to me. This was a place I had come for the first time, but my heart is already at ease.

Namjoon 20 July YEAR 22

I skimmed across the magazine advertisements and lifted my head. There were so many different faces of those who sat at the corner table the last few days across me. A thick book, large bag and a white paper cup alike but it still wasn’t her. Again, I went back to skimming the magazines. I had been looking at the same page for more than an hour. Because of the repetitive thoughts, my eyes couldn’t pick up the letters at all. I asked myself why am I sitting here. No answer came to me. Amongst those who were engrossed in something, I was lethargically looking through a magazine. I felt impatient for something to start. This isn’t how it is meant to be.

I returned the magazine and continued to walk across the bookshelves The books were in rows on bookshelves taller than I was. From the open window, a breeze blew, the smell of books wafting and the dust hovering. I thought about my high school years again. My friends and I, together, in that hideout classroom. At that time, it smelled the same. Had the ‘Current Me’ grow from the “Then Me’? I couldn’t be sure of it. Regardless, it could be that everything of me had stopped at that time since back then. I moved to the opposite bookshelf. I picked up a book I used to study back then. I had to start again. From everything I had given up, one at a time.

28 April YEAR 22

I knew that something was up with Taehyung for a long time. Even if he pretended occasionally that nothing was wrong, his momentarily actions, expressions or tone would give away his anxiety and the facy that he didn’t know what to do. He was often in and out of the police station and I could see the wounds on his body.  And also, he had nightmares.

The reason why I never really asked, or asked what was going on or telling him to let out everything was because I was waiting for him to do it. On one side, I also doubted if I should be the person to hear his worries. I wanted to be a Hyung to him, I pretended to be an adult, yet, when my friends are having a hard time, I couldn’t protect them. They all looked up to me being an adult yet I am really not an adult. I only hesitated, unable to look directly at what’s in front of me.

Yoongi Hyung died. Taehyung had that nightmare again. I grabbed his shoulders and shook him, he woke up startled and spent a long time sitting and staring into space. He didn’t wipe his tears and mumbled incoherently. He said Yoongi was dead and Jungkook had an accident and I had been caught in a fight. He said that he dream that kind of dream often, that it was so clear that it seemed as if it was real and even this was part of the dream. “Hyung, don’t go anywhere.” Taehyung’s voice wavered anxiously.

Hoseok 13 August YEAR 22

Jimin and the kid was standing in the middle of the practice room. The 5-second wait after the beginning pose always seemed long. As soon as the music flowed from the speaker, the two of them started the first move. It was the choreography that I had practiced with the kid not too long ago. I sat on the floor of the room and monitored.

When I first found out that I couldn’t dance for the time being, because of my ankle, it had been really difficult. It was suffocating that I could only watch others dance. But as I helped Jimin practice and watched him grow, a realization dawned on me. The fact that I cant dance by myself wasn’t a big problem and that I could be happy by continuing with dance in other ways.

When I practice with Jimin, I didn’t let even the smallest mistake go by. Jimin sometimes subtly missed the timing or made movements that are smaller than what I expect. At those times, I stopped the music and scrutinized each move, one by one. But when I sat on the floor, as some kind o audience, and watched from here, Jimin’s dance looked different. I saw something bigger than just his small one-by-one movements. Things that I initially thought and dismissed of as mistakes when we practice together dawned on me differently. Such trivial mistakes and imperfections instead came together to give off a unique feeling. Of course, it would be different than mine, but Jimin had his own timing and own expressions. Jimin’s dance was bright and touches the heart just the way it was.

The music ended. Jimin’s dance ended as well. I saw that his face was shining with excitement and joy. The kid was standing next to him. The kid would be going overseas soon. Suddenly, we locked eyes. I gave a thumbs-up and the kid gave a big smile. It was strange. The kid didn’t look a thing like my mother. I can’t even remember my own mother’s face, so why did I think they looked similar? Suddenly, something in my heart ached. My to-be healed ankle twitched.

2 March YEAR 22

I liked being among people. When I left the orphanage, I worked part time at a fast food restaurant, having a knack of making others smile while I work. I liked that kind of work. Actually, in my life, there were very few reasons for me to laugh or to be cheerful. It’s clear that I’ve seen more bad people than the good ones. Maybe that’s the reason why I liked the job. If I smiled brightly, spoke loudly and reacted cheerfully, I could pretend, even to myself, that I felt that way, even if it was deliberately done by me. My mood improved when I laughed loudly, and when I treated people kindly, I became a kind person. Yet, there were hard days as well. After cleaning the store and going back home, even taking a step was difficult. There days filled with fussy customers too. But even so, it was easier to hold it in because of my friends back then, as compared to now.

Sometimes I thought of my friends when I look at the store packed with customers. Seokjin Hyung who transferred schools without saying anything, Namjoon, who disappeared one morning, Yoongi Hyung who was expelled and won’t pick up my calls, Taehyung, who knows, where or what kind of accident is he possibly in now, and Jimin, who never returned to school and the last time I saw him was at the emergency room. I had seen Jungkook wearing the school uniform a few times through the window, but he never visited the store. I wondered if all those times have passed by now.

Hearing the sound of a customer, I gave a loud greeting. I looked towards the door with a bright and healthy smile.

Jimin 28 July YEAR 22

Today, I am left alone in the practice room. It was past twelve and the trains would have stopped running. Actually, I was waiting for the trains to stop running. That way, I could be left completely alone in the practice room. When we practiced together, my eyes were only focused on the areas where I lacked. That’s why I was restless, I was afraid. Yet, no matter what, I wanted to do it. So I stayed by myself every night.

As my days were spent like this, interestingly, the fear in my heart disappeared. Only the truth of dancing being fun remained. For a long time, I believed that the small, weak and powerless me was real. When I danced, I ended up thinking of my weight of my body or the length of my arms, speed or strength that I could make. When I danced, I didn’t feel small or weak. My skills improved greatly as much as I have practiced. The movements that had been stuttering at first were now being connected. I have grown. Even if the growth was as a fingernail, but I was still growing. I became aware that I was in reality, a talkative person. I knew that. When I danced, I was able to speak whatever I couldn’t say or hadn’t said. When I started to dance, for the first tine, I started to like myself.

16 May YEAR 22

Hoseok Hyung’s house was actually quite high. A rooftop room of a deadlocked house at the end of a narrow, winding alley, some distance from a long street; that was Hyung’s house. When I entered the house, which was just one room, Hyung bragged that it was the top floor in the whole city; from which all the places that we have grown up from could be seen, laid down below our feet. Hyung said that there is so many things to see from this rooftop room. The nearby train station could be seen, and along the train tracks, the containers were also visible, Namjoon Hyung was living in one of those. If I look a little more, the school that we all attend would appear.

After finding the school, I lifted my head and looked at the other side of the city. At the foot of the mountain, there were some large apartment buildings. Right there, that’s my house, no, that’s my parent’s house. I didn’t tell anyone that I ran away from the hospital. If I did, they would have called my parents. Right now, maybe, I don’t know, they might be looking for me. I don’t have the confidence to see them face-to-face. Though I came out of the hospital, there is no way that I’m going home. Even as such, I have no desire to go back to the hospital. But I had nowhere to go and had no money. I stood hesitantly, before Hyung told me to follow him, leading the way, and how we arrived at this place – his house.

My eyes looked back to the apartment houses again. I didn’t want to meet my parents or go back to the hospital even though eventually I had to. I took a deep breath in. It seemed like a thought alone could cause a seizure. Truthfully, I didn’t trust myself enough to endure any other place other than the hospital. I could be rushed to the hospital again. I was so afraid, I couldn’t stand it.

Taehyung 11 August YEAR 22

As I turned around, I discovered some words underneath the ‘X’. It was a short sentence scratched onto the wall, saying ‘It wasn’t my fault.”. It was that kid. I didn’t see her, nor did I know her handwriting but somehow I knew. It looked her last greeting. Saying that her leaving wasn’t because of me. That the things that made her ‘fall’ was not because I was a bad person. It seemed like it was telling me not to blame myself or to be hung up on it, but instead to have courage.

When I finally got back to my senses, I was in front of my house. From the outside the door, I could hear Noona’s scream. I flung it open and entered. A familiar scene was laid out. I blocked my father. I grabbed his arm and look right at his face. Initially, he seemed to be shocked, but then he swing his fist. This is not the first time that I was knocked out. Noona’s crying became louder. My chin hurt.  The smell of dusty metal came from my own mouth. Yet, I didn’t give up. I grabbed my father’s waist. He gave off an angry scream. He mercilessly hit my back and shoulders but all the more I held on to him even tighter.

It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t that I wasn’t scared. But if I let go, the same daily cycle would repeat. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to change it.

No. I’m different from my father. I’m going to protect our family.

22 May YEAR 22

“Hyung, is that everything? Are you hiding anything else from us?” Our surroundings suddenly grew quiet. Everyone’s gaze turned towards me. I looked straight at Seokjin Hyung. Hyung, too, looked back at me. His gaze was full of exhaustion and shame, and a little bit of pitiful. The moment that I was about to bring up the issue, someone grabbed my arm. I didn’t need to look. I knew it was Namjoon Hyung.

“Hyung, what does it have to do with you? We’re not even real brothers.” I could feel Namjoon Hyung looking at me. I didn’t lift my head and shook his hand off. I knew it too. I was mad at Namjoon Hyung for no reason, repeating the same words that he used when he was on the phone. I said I was angry, that I was upset. Yet, Hyung’s words weren’t wrong. I am barely a year younger than him. I wasn’t his real brother. It was true that I should take care of myself. Regardless, I was upset. I was angrier because I had no words to use against him. I wished Hyung would have understood what I felt.

“Taehyung-ah, I’m sorry. Let’s not talk about this now.” It was Seokjin Hyung who opened his mouth. Seokjin Hyung was the one who called my name, Namjoon Hyung didn’t say anything. “What do you mean, stop? Since it’s already up, let’s talk about it. Hyung, there is still something you’re hiding from us.”

“Let’s go out to talk.” Namjoon Hyung said while he grabbed my arm. I tried to shake him off again but he tried to drag me out. I tried to hold out and spoke. “Let me go. What right to you have to stop me? Hyung, what do you know? You don’t know anything but you think you’re a great guy, right?” It was then then he let go of my arm. When he let go made me stumble. No, it wasn’t just him letting go that made e stumble. But at that time when he did, it was like as if everything that sustained me were cracking, breaking and crumbling down. Maybe I hoped he never let go of my arm. That instead, he would get angry and drag me out. Maybe I hoped that he would scold me like a real brother, as if to someone who was so close and precious that you can’t ignore.

But Hyung let go of my arm. I just laughed. “What’s so special about being together? What are we to each other? In the end, we’re all alone.” That was the moment that Seokjin Hyung hit me.

Jungkook 11 August YEAR 22

When I looked back, the hospital is really far away. I could no longer see the bench where I had left the wildflowers, neither could I see the window through wish I watched the river with the kid. As I reflected, that kid was a space for me to breathe in this stuffy hospital life. As we set on the hospital bench in the late afternoon talking about this and that, the sun had set. I told her about playing in the hideout classroom, going on a vacation to the beach and walking all the way up till the train station. She told me about all of the corners in the hospital , which window that you can see the river from, which staircase you could use to secretly climb up to the roof. There was nothing she didn’t know about the hospital.

Her hospital room was empty. Had she been discharged, or moved to another hospital? I asked the nurses. But none of them could tell me. For some reason, a corner of my heart felt empty. I turned around and just kept walking. From a distance, I could see the school. It seemed like most of the things I talked to her about was involved the Hyungs, and almost every single story started with them. To me, when I was alone, the Hyungs became my friends and family and teachers. My story was within their stories, and I only existed inside a relationship with them.

Yet, at some point, I started to think as such. That there may be a day where they would no longer be at my side. I might go looking for them to find out they’re gone, without any reason. Or maybe something even more could happen, I didn’t know.

I thought of that night. When the huge moon rose in the sky, the world turned upside-down, the headlamps I saw from an inverted view, the shape of the car that passed by me and eventually disappeared. The sound of the engine, which was familiar to me for some reason. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions. But even so, I just kept thinking of that moment.

28 May YEAR 19

“Hyungs, what are your dreams?” At my words, the Hyungs turned around. “It’s because I have to write a paper on future hopes.” I added. But Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth and said, “Hmm, I don’t know, I don’t think I have a dream. If I have something to hope for, it’s just wanting to be a good person?” Hyung cut himself off, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Then Yoongi Hyung who was stretched out on the piano bench said in a lingering tone, “It’s okay to not have a dream. I don’t have one. I’ll just be whatever.” At Yoongi’s-like words, everyone burst out laughing.

“I’m going to be a superhero, to save the world from bad guys.” Taehyung Hyung stood up on a chair and posed, stretching his arms up to the sky, Hoseok Hyung told him off saying that he would get hurt if he played that way. Then Hoseok mentioned, “I want to go to find my mom and live happily. Being happy is my dream.” Hyung smiled happily as he spoke. “Then, are you unhappy now?” Jimin Hyung was the one who asked him. Hoseok Hyung gave a worried expression and asked “Is that how it is?” Then Hoseok Hyung asked Jimin Hyung, “What is your dream?” “Me?” Jimin asked, blinking and flustered. He said, “When I was in preschool, I wanted to be the president but I don’t know what I wanted to be after that.”

Now only Namjoon Hyung was left. Perhaps feeling everyone’s gazes on him, Hyung shrugged and opened his mouth. “I wanted to say something nice but I don’t really have a dream. I just wished my part-time job paid more.” I nodded and looked down at my paper. The paper on hopes for the future was divided into spaces for the “student” and “parent”. What do I want to become? I couldn’t think of anything to write.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

She seemed flustered when she thought she lost her diary. Her favourite movie, her favourite place to go, her favorite flowers to even her dreams appear on every future page being turned. It was something that I had done for her. The words ‘Sorry’ didn’t come out easily. The red diary laid between us at the intersection.

I wanted to give her happiness. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to be someone she would like. I thought that if I followed the words in the diary, I would be that person. But that wasn’t the case. I became more scared when I became someone else. I really don’t want to be caught (for being me). I don’t want disappointment to follow afterwards. Desperately, I turned my head away to hide myself. But just as one cannot put a full stop to a sentence without subject, the me who could not improve himself and continued to wander in the same place.

Now, I know. The me who lacks, makes mistakes and fails is all part of me afterall. No matter how cruel or how merciless things are, by being true to myself would I, only be able to move forward. I stood up from my position and she didn’t try to grab me.

I walked out to the street and removed my hat. As I run my fingers through my hair, all the time spent trying to be someone else slipped through my fingers. I lifted my head and saw my reflection in the mirror. A frail face, pale lips and thin shoulders. I looked unkempt. I laughed. The me in the mirror laughed too.

25 June YEAR 19

A flower pot was by the window in the storage classroom, with its owner being unknown. Who among my dongsaengs would bring this flowerpot? I took out my handphone. The classroom was always dark since there wasn’t any electricity and with the vague light coming in through the dirty window, I could see the green leaves outside. The photo I took by my phone didn’t come out well. It wasn’t just because it was taken by a handphone. I always thought that photos cannot capture what can be seen by the eyes.

As I approached, I could see a ‘H’ underneath the flower pot. I lifted it up. The words ‘Hoseok’s flower pot’ appeared. I chuckled. Of course, no one else among the dongsaengs except for Hoseok who would bring a flower pot. I put the flower pot down so that only the ‘H’ would be visible. Until now, never once have I noticed but the windows were scribbled all over. Not just the windowsill, but the ceiling as well. “Pass or Die”.The names of crushes. dates, and numerous names that can’t be read.

This classroom wasn’t used for storage in the beginning. Students would every day go to class and then in the afternoons, they would empty them. It would have been empty during school vacations and then filled again once school started. Would there have been students like us who were late and received punishments and ended up missing class? Would there have been merciless violent teachers and endless tests and homework? Also, would there have been someone like me? Someone who told on their friends to the principal.

I wondered if my father’s name might have been among these. This place was also my father’s alma mater. My father was someone who believed that by attending the same higih school, the same college was a wat of preserving the family’s dignity. I scanned all the names and found my father’s one. It was in the middle of the left wall amongst several others. Underneath, a sentence was written. “Everything started from here.”

Yoongi 29 July YEAR 22

What was the reason that the melody kept coming to me after I lost the person who practiced with me and played the guitar? Laying buried on the couch, I stared at the piano that was a distance away. After being expelled from school, I threw away my mother’s piano key. It was the only thing that I had taken from the ruins of the burned building, it was half burned and I threw it out of the apartment window. I thought that would end it. I told myself again the promise that I would never touch a piano ever again.

Early in the morning, I took the stairs because I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I thought I had fallen asleep quickly but the sun was already rising. Suddenly, memories of last night came back to me. There was nothing in the flowerbed outside the window. The security guard told me that the garbage truck had come not too long ago. That was how I lost my mother’s piano key.

Even after that, I gave up on music countlessly. Now I won’t. I won’t come back, music is nothing, yet as I tried to run away, I knew. I knew that I would start music again, the same way as I stumbled down the stairs. Music was that kind of subject to me. In music, I was just as free as I was suffering, confused but also lucid, fear and confidence, hope and despair, as if I was living inside all those conflicting emotions.

Suddenly, I wanted to play the piano. Inside it, I wanted to meet me who only pretended to be strong, even though in reality, I was fearful and a coward. I wanted to pour out curses and sarcasm, give wounds and hit and destroy and pull and cry. And I didn’t want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that was made by the guitar and piano. This time, it seemed like I could.

2 May YEAR 22

The sheet caught fire in an instant. Within the unbearable heat, everything lost its existence. I could no longer smell the sour smell of the mold, or feel the engulfing humidity, or see the dim light anymore. All that was left was my suffering. The physical suffering of the heat. The skin of my fingers is so hot that it blistered any moment. Only then did my father’s blank face and the sound of the music dispersed.

My father and I were very different. I couldn’t understand my father and my father couldn’t understand me. Even if I I put in effort, it won’t work out. All I could do was hide defy and run away from him. There are times in which it felt as though it wasn’t my father that I was breaking away from. Then fear in the face of a cliff came over me. Then what was I running away from? What did I have to do to be free? Everything felt impossible.

It seemed as though I could hear someone’s voice calling me, but I didn’t lift my head. Whether it was because of the heat or because of the pain, I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have the strength to move. Yet, even so. I knew it was Jungkook. He would be angry. Maybe he would be sad for me. I just wanted to sink down. I wanted to end all the smoke and heat, the pain and fear, then Jungkook shouted something again but I couldn’t hear it. My vision dropped low. Finally, I raised my eyes. The last thing I could see of the world was the dirty, remote room, red flames, wavering smoke and Jungkook’s face.

Namjoon 20 July YEAR 22

I skimmed across the magazine advertisements and lifted my head. There were so many different faces of those who sat at the corner table the last few days across me. A thick book, large bag and a white paper cup alike but it still wasn’t her. Again, I went back to skimming the magazines. I had been looking at the same page for more than an hour. Because of the repetitive thoughts, my eyes couldn’t pick up the letters at all. I asked myself why am I sitting here. No answer came to me. Amongst those who were engrossed in something, I was lethargically looking through a magazine. I felt impatient for something to start. This isn’t how it is meant to be.

I returned the magazine and continued to walk across the bookshelves The books were in rows on bookshelves taller than I was. From the open window, a breeze blew, the smell of books wafting and the dust hovering. I thought about my high school years again. My friends and I, together, in that hideout classroom. At that time, it smelled the same. Had the ‘Current Me’ grow from the “Then Me’? I couldn’t be sure of it. Regardless, it could be that everything of me had stopped at that time since back then. I moved to the opposite bookshelf. I picked up a book I used to study back then. I had to start again. From everything I had given up, one at a time.

11 April YEAR 22

I finished with the gas and went in. But something brushed against my face and fell. Surprised, I took a step backwards to look at it. At the bottom of my feet was a crumpled bill. Out of reflex, I bent down to pick it up. The people in the car burst into laughter. I stopped for a moment. Seokjin Hyung was watching me from a distance. I couldn’t lift my head up. What do you do if you make eye contact with people who ride in expensive cars but put down and ridicule others? You have to face them. If you think what they’re doing is unjust, you have to face them. It’s not a matter of bravery, or pride or equality but it is something that needs to be done.

However, this was a gas station and I’m a part time-worker. If a customer threw trash, I had to clean it up. And if they cursed, I had to listen. And if they threw a bill on the floor, I had to pick it up. My body shook with humiliation. I clenched my fists. My fingernails dug into my skin.

At that moment, someone’s hand picked up the bill. The people in the car muttered and left as if the fun in it was gone. Even after they left, I couldn’t lift my head up. I lacked the confidence to look into Seokjin Hyung’s eyes. It wasn’t as though Hyung didn’t know about my cowardliness, my poverty and my circumstances. I didn’t want to show him this explicitly. Hyung stood at the end of my gaze and didn’t move. Neither did he approach me or did he speak.

Hoseok 13 August YEAR 22

Jimin and the kid was standing in the middle of the practice room. The 5-second wait after the beginning pose always seemed long. As soon as the music flowed from the speaker, the two of them started the first move. It was the choreography that I had practiced with the kid not too long ago. I sat on the floor of the room and monitored.

When I first found out that I couldn’t dance for the time being, because of my ankle, it had been really difficult. It was suffocating that I could only watch others dance. But as I helped Jimin practice and watched him grow, a realization dawned on me. The fact that I cant dance by myself wasn’t a big problem and that I could be happy by continuing with dance in other ways.

When I practice with Jimin, I didn’t let even the smallest mistake go by. Jimin sometimes subtly missed the timing or made movements that are smaller than what I expect. At those times, I stopped the music and scrutinized each move, one by one. But when I sat on the floor, as some kind o audience, and watched from here, Jimin’s dance looked different. I saw something bigger than just his small one-by-one movements. Things that I initially thought and dismissed of as mistakes when we practice together dawned on me differently. Such trivial mistakes and imperfections instead came together to give off a unique feeling. Of course, it would be different than mine, but Jimin had his own timing and own expressions. Jimin’s dance was bright and touches the heart just the way it was.

The music ended. Jimin’s dance ended as well. I saw that his face was shining with excitement and joy. The kid was standing next to him. The kid would be going overseas soon. Suddenly, we locked eyes. I gave a thumbs-up and the kid gave a big smile. It was strange. The kid didn’t look a thing like my mother. I can’t even remember my own mother’s face, so why did I think they looked similar? Suddenly, something in my heart ached. My to-be healed ankle twitched.

2 March YEAR 22

I liked being among people. When I left the orphanage, I worked part time at a fast food restaurant, having a knack of making others smile while I work. I liked that kind of work. Actually, in my life, there were very few reasons for me to laugh or to be cheerful. It’s clear that I’ve seen more bad people than the good ones. Maybe that’s the reason why I liked the job. If I smiled brightly, spoke loudly and reacted cheerfully, I could pretend, even to myself, that I felt that way, even if it was deliberately done by me. My mood improved when I laughed loudly, and when I treated people kindly, I became a kind person. Yet, there were hard days as well. After cleaning the store and going back home, even taking a step was difficult. There days filled with fussy customers too. But even so, it was easier to hold it in because of my friends back then, as compared to now.

Sometimes I thought of my friends when I look at the store packed with customers. Seokjin Hyung who transferred schools without saying anything, Namjoon, who disappeared one morning, Yoongi Hyung who was expelled and won’t pick up my calls, Taehyung, who knows, where or what kind of accident is he possibly in now, and Jimin, who never returned to school and the last time I saw him was at the emergency room. I had seen Jungkook wearing the school uniform a few times through the window, but he never visited the store. I wondered if all those times have passed by now.

Hearing the sound of a customer, I gave a loud greeting. I looked towards the door with a bright and healthy smile.

Jimin 28 July YEAR 22

Today, I am left alone in the practice room. It was past twelve and the trains would have stopped running. Actually, I was waiting for the trains to stop running. That way, I could be left completely alone in the practice room. When we practiced together, my eyes were only focused on the areas where I lacked. That’s why I was restless, I was afraid. Yet, no matter what, I wanted to do it. So I stayed by myself every night.

As my days were spent like this, interestingly, the fear in my heart disappeared. Only the truth of dancing being fun remained. For a long time, I believed that the small, weak and powerless me was real. When I danced, I ended up thinking of my weight of my body or the length of my arms, speed or strength that I could make. When I danced, I didn’t feel small or weak. My skills improved greatly as much as I have practiced. The movements that had been stuttering at first were now being connected. I have grown. Even if the growth was as a fingernail, but I was still growing. I became aware that I was in reality, a talkative person. I knew that. When I danced, I was able to speak whatever I couldn’t say or hadn’t said. When I started to dance, for the first tine, I started to like myself.

16 May YEAR 22

Hoseok Hyung’s house was actually quite high. A rooftop room of a deadlocked house at the end of a narrow, winding alley, some distance from a long street; that was Hyung’s house. When I entered the house, which was just one room, Hyung bragged that it was the top floor in the whole city; from which all the places that we have grown up from could be seen, laid down below our feet. Hyung said that there is so many things to see from this rooftop room. The nearby train station could be seen, and along the train tracks, the containers were also visible, Namjoon Hyung was living in one of those. If I look a little more, the school that we all attend would appear.

After finding the school, I lifted my head and looked at the other side of the city. At the foot of the mountain, there were some large apartment buildings. Right there, that’s my house, no, that’s my parent’s house. I didn’t tell anyone that I ran away from the hospital. If I did, they would have called my parents. Right now, maybe, I don’t know, they might be looking for me. I don’t have the confidence to see them face-to-face. Though I came out of the hospital, there is no way that I’m going home. Even as such, I have no desire to go back to the hospital. But I had nowhere to go and had no money. I stood hesitantly, before Hyung told me to follow him, leading the way, and how we arrived at this place – his house.

My eyes looked back to the apartment houses again. I didn’t want to meet my parents or go back to the hospital even though eventually I had to. I took a deep breath in. It seemed like a thought alone could cause a seizure. Truthfully, I didn’t trust myself enough to endure any other place other than the hospital. I could be rushed to the hospital again. I was so afraid, I couldn’t stand it.

Taehyung 11 August YEAR 22

As I turned around, I discovered some words underneath the ‘X’. It was a short sentence scratched onto the wall, saying ‘It wasn’t my fault.”. It was that kid. I didn’t see her, nor did I know her handwriting but somehow I knew. It looked her last greeting. Saying that her leaving wasn’t because of me. That the things that made her ‘fall’ was not because I was a bad person. It seemed like it was telling me not to blame myself or to be hung up on it, but instead to have courage.

When I finally got back to my senses, I was in front of my house. From the outside the door, I could hear Noona’s scream. I flung it open and entered. A familiar scene was laid out. I blocked my father. I grabbed his arm and look right at his face. Initially, he seemed to be shocked, but then he swing his fist. This is not the first time that I was knocked out. Noona’s crying became louder. My chin hurt.  The smell of dusty metal came from my own mouth. Yet, I didn’t give up. I grabbed my father’s waist. He gave off an angry scream. He mercilessly hit my back and shoulders but all the more I held on to him even tighter.

It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t that I wasn’t scared. But if I let go, the same daily cycle would repeat. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to change it.

No. I’m different from my father. I’m going to protect our family.

29 March YEAR 22

The gas station owner spat on the ground as he left. I laid down on the ground in the same position that I had crouched in. I was drawing at the back of the wall of the gas station, only to be caught by the owner, who beat me and angrily asked what I was doing, drawing on somebody else’s wall. I rolled around the floor. Getting hit was something that I was familiar and at the same time, unfamiliar with.

I started graffiti not too long ago. I took a spray can that someone threw away and started drawing on the wall. It was yellow colour. I sprayed it whatever I wanted and then looked up at it. I looked at the distinct yellow colour paint on the grey paint, then picked up another spray can. For a long time, I sprayed unknowingly on the wall. Only when the spray cans were all empty did my hands stop. I threw the can away and stepped back. My breath came as though I had been running with all my might.

I didn’t know what the colours on the wall meant. I didn’t know what I had done or why had I done it. But I had done it. I would assume that what I expressed were my feelings. I spewed out my heart onto the wall. Initially, I thought it was ugly. I thought it was something dirty. Something idiotic, useless and pitiful. I didn’t like it. I rubbed some of the wet paint with my hand. I wanted to erase it all. Yet, instead of erasing it, I ended up mixing and blending the colours and moulded different shapes. I sat against the wall. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not I liked it. It wasn’t a matter of whether it was beautiful or not. It was just me.

When I stood up, I coughed. I spat blood onto my hand. Then I saw someone’s hand picking up the spray can. I followed the hand up until I saw a face. I saw Namjoon Hyung’s face. I laughed. I thought I was seeing a ghost. Hyung reached out a hand. I simply looked up at him. Hyung took my hand and pulled me up. His hand was warm.

Jungkook 11 August YEAR 22

When I looked back, the hospital is really far away. I could no longer see the bench where I had left the wildflowers, neither could I see the window through wish I watched the river with the kid. As I reflected, that kid was a space for me to breathe in this stuffy hospital life. As we set on the hospital bench in the late afternoon talking about this and that, the sun had set. I told her about playing in the hideout classroom, going on a vacation to the beach and walking all the way up till the train station. She told me about all of the corners in the hospital , which window that you can see the river from, which staircase you could use to secretly climb up to the roof. There was nothing she didn’t know about the hospital.

Her hospital room was empty. Had she been discharged, or moved to another hospital? I asked the nurses. But none of them could tell me. For some reason, a corner of my heart felt empty. I turned around and just kept walking. From a distance, I could see the school. It seemed like most of the things I talked to her about was involved the Hyungs, and almost every single story started with them. To me, when I was alone, the Hyungs became my friends and family and teachers. My story was within their stories, and I only existed inside a relationship with them.

Yet, at some point, I started to think as such. That there may be a day where they would no longer be at my side. I might go looking for them to find out they’re gone, without any reason. Or maybe something even more could happen, I didn’t know.

I thought of that night. When the huge moon rose in the sky, the world turned upside-down, the headlamps I saw from an inverted view, the shape of the car that passed by me and eventually disappeared. The sound of the engine, which was familiar to me for some reason. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions. But even so, I just kept thinking of that moment.

11 April YEAR 22

I walked on the top of the railing of the roof top. The building had been abandoned while it was in the middle of its construction. When I stretched out one foot in the air, the darkness engulfed beneath me. The night city spread out hazily below the railings. Neon lights, honking horns and smoking dust swirled in the darkness. For a moment, I felt dizzy. I stretched out my arms to regain my balance. Then I thought. It was only one step. If I took one step, everything would end. I leaned my body more towards the darkness. The darkness that started at the bottom of my feet now came up to devour my body whole. When I closed my eyes, the dizzy city, sounds and fear all disappeared. I stopped breathing. Then, I leaned my body towards the darkness even more. I didn’t have any thoughts. No one came to my mind. I didn’t want to leave anything behind. I wouldn’t remember anything. This was just the end.

At this moment, my phone rang. My senses came back to me as though I woke up from a distant dream. My dulled senses returned immediately. I pulled out my phone. It was Yoongi Hyung.

[7th story] ‘the truth untold’

Actually, I'm not from a very wealthy family. I also had a hard time studying in America. I was a foreigner, henceI was not fluent in English, and I couldn't afford to have a great future.

On the day we promised to go on a trip to Italy, I waited for that friend at the airport and saw her get off the bus with a handsome and wonderful man over the glass door. I hid myself right away. Why did i do that? I don't know...I just hid myself reflexively and turned around and walked away. 'That's it then. I couldn't have tried to make her to go on a trip to Italy with me. For her, I was just a poor foreigner who didn't know anything.' That was my feelings then.

She called while I was walking, but I didn't answer. I stared at my face in the mirror in the airport toilet. Then, I turned off my cell phone and got on the plane. I booked the same flight, so I thought she would be there with him somewhere on the plane, but I didn't find her. I just wished for it. I don't know how much I wanted her to look for me around the plane. But until the plane crossed the Atlantic and landed in Italian airspace and got off at the airport... No one came to see me.

▲ Pictures taken while waiting for her at the international San Francisco airport in America

Sita di Smeraldo remains a painful and happy memory for me. The flowers were so beautiful that I cried. And that night something strange happened. I woke up with a strange sound while sleeping in a private house. There was a bed just below the window, and I could hear someone knocking on the window. The room was on the second floor and it was quiet outside. The time was past midnight and the curtain was pulled down so I couldn't see what was outside the window.

It wasn't scary or fearful, but it was still strange. I thought I'd woken up and open the window on the second floor, but I didn’t. I was forced to sleep, thinking that it would be better for the branches to shake in the wind and hit the window, but I couldn't sleep very well. I laid still for a long time listening to the sound, as if holding something back.

It was around lunch the next day that she called. No, it wasn't her who called. It was her brother. She had an accident at the airport where she was chasing someone in a hurry, and her breathing became unstable a little after midnight last night, and she ended up leaving the world.

Before I left my dorm that day, I opened the window next to my bed. The sunlight came in, and there was a colony of Smeraldo flowers. As I looked at the flowers and felt the wind passing by in the sun, I felt as if I was standing next to her by the window looking at Smeraldo.

▲ Painful and happy memories, the beautiful scenery of Sita di Smeraldo.

On my way home from the United States and from the airport, I heard some news that I had been looking forward to for a long time had been achieved. It was the fact that the Smeraldo flower shop in Korea was approved by the Smeraldo Society. Because Smeraldo is a rare species, the association strictly manages its overseas sales and so on, and it was approved by me to apply to the association later on. Later, three years have passed since the opening of the Smeraldo flower shop in Korea, but I decided to think that the news from the conference was the last message she gave me.

And that's how she gave me the (non-potevo de la verità) and went to a different world. This is the special relationship that I talked about in the first post.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22 

Can anyone remember the moment they fell in love. Can anyone predict the moment this love ended. What is the reason that humans are not be able to recognize these moments. And why was I given the power to undo all these things? 

The car came to a sudden stop, headlights flashing, bouncing, falling. The one who was standing there amongst the noisy moments, defenseless, was me. I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t sense anything at all. Though it was summer, the breeze was cold. There was the sound of something tumbling down along the road. Also, there was a scent of a flower. It was only then did a sense of reality came back to me. The bouquet of Smeraldo flowers fell from my hand. The lady was the only one in the middle of the road. Blood was spilling out from her head. Dark red blood was flowing onto the road. I thought then. If only I could turn back time. 

17 July YEAR 20 

I stood at the front door of the school with the cicada sound coming nearer. At the recreation ground, there were kids who crowded around laughing, fooling around, competing, nipping. The summer school vacation has started and others were excited for it. I lowered my head and walked among them.  

“Hyung”. I lifted my head, surprised at the appearance of someone’s shadow. It was Hoseok and Jimin. They looked at me, their smiles as wide and bright as the sun, and their childlike eyes full of mischief. “Today is the start of vacation, should we just go?” Hoseok said as he pulled my arm. I muttered ‘sure, sure’ and a few other meaningless words as I turned my head away. What happened on that day was clearly an accident. It wasn’t even intentional. In that time, I didn’t even think that Yoongi and Jungkook were at the storage classroom, The principal would suspect that I was sticking up for my younger brothers. He would have told my father that I wasn’t a good student. No matter what, I had to say something. I mentioned the hideout because I thought it was empty. But in the end, Yoongi was expelled. Nobody knew that I was involved, an accomplice. 

“I hope you have a great school holiday, Hyung! Call us.” By how he interpreted my outer expression, Hoseok dropped his hand and gave an even brighter greeting. This time as well, I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t even say anything. As I stand at the school gate, the first day of going to school reeled in my mind. We could laiugh because we received punishment together. I had ruined those times.

Yoongi 15 June YEAR 22 

I wasn’t aware of what is happening but just the sound of music playing in my head. No matter how much alcohol I drink, or where I am, what I am doing is more important. If you want to know, it isn’t important. With faltering steps, I went out into the night. Just walking among the dust. Be it on the street, the street stall or the wall, I hit it. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to forget everything.  

Jimin’s voice was still ringing in my ears. “Hyung. It’s Jungkook.” The next thing I remembered was going up the stairs in the hospital as if I was mad. It was a dark and weird pathway towards the north of the hospital. People who were wearing patient gowns walked past. My heart was racing. Everyone’s faces were pale. They had no facial expression. They all seemed as though they were dead. In my head, my breathing became more ragged.  

I opened the door of the ward where Jungkook was lying down in slightly. I, myself, don’t know why but I turned my head away with a jerk. I couldn’t look at him. In that moment, I could hear the sounds of the piano, fire, the collapse of the building into pieces. I couldn’t even stick it up for him. I then thought,”It was because of me. If I wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened.” It was my mother’s voice, no, my voice, no, it was anybody’s voice. I couldn’t say anything during that painful time. I didn’t want to believe it. But then, Jungkook was lying down there. He was lying down with patients who looked dead passing by. I just couldn’t go inside. I couldn’t even confirm it. When I stood, my legs wanted to give up. I left with tears streaming down my face. I forced myself to laugh. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.  

As I crossed the pedestrian crossing, someone grabbed my arm and I stopped. Who was it? No, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, it was all over. “Don’t come to my side. Go. Please just throw me away. I also don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. And so, please don’t come near me.” 

12 June YEAR 19

I just recklessly left school though I have nowhere to go. The day was hot, I had no money, I had nothing to do. Namjoon was the one who suggested going to the beach. The younger brothers seemed excited but I wasn’t in the mood. “Do you have money?” At my question,  Namjoon made them shake to shake their pockets. A few pennies, a few bills. We couldn’t go. The only person who suggested to go there by walking was Taehyung. Namjoon made a face to reconsider however everyone was minding their own business, talking, laughing and rolling on the floor before actually walking on the road. I wasn’t feeling to talk back, so I fell behind. The sun shone brightly. It was noon and the ginko trees couldn’t provide shade as cars kicked off the dust as they passed us on the sidewalkless road. 

“Let’s go over there.” This time it was Taehyung who said it. Or was it Hoseok. I didn’t really care so I didn’t really look carefully, but it would be either of them. I walked with my head down, kicking the dirt until I collided nearly into someone did I lift my head up. Jimin stood there as though rooted in the ground. His face showed that he was afraid, as though there was something scary that his muscles were trembling. “Are you okay?”  I asked though it fell on deaf ears. Jimin then saw a sign that said a flower arboretum that was 2.2km away.

“I don’t want to walk.” I heard Jungkook say. Jimin’s face was covered in sweat. His face became pale within a while. “What is this?” I felt that it was weird. “Park Jimin.” Of course, he didn’t move an inch when I called him. I lifted my head and looked again at the sign. 

“Ya, the day is hot but why go to this arboretum. Let’s go to the sea.” I said while trudging my feet. I don’t know what exactly the flower arboretum is but I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t know the reason but Jimin’s eyes were weird. “We don’t have enough money.” I told Hoseok who answered, “That’s why we are walking.” Taehyung added, “If we walk all the way to the train station, it would be enough.” Namjoon said, “Instead, we would be starving for dinner.” Jungkook and Taehyung pretended to cry while Seokjin laughed. Jimin began to move again once we began to take the road towards the train station. As I turned my head past my shoulders, I could see that Jimin was still a small kid. I looked up again at the sign. Flower arboretum, those five letters gradually becoming further and further away. 

Namjoon 13 July YEAR 22

I leaned against the window of the bus. From the library to the gas station. The familiar scenery passing by the window since I take this route everyday. Will the day come for me to leave this scenery behind? I felt that it was impossible to predict what tomorrow would bring.

In the distance in front of me, I could see a lady wearing a yellow hair tie. Her shoulders liften and dropped as though she exhaled. She also leaned against the window. It has already been a month since we studied at the library and took the same bus from the station. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other, but we look at the same scenery together, lived in the same time and sighed the same sighs. The hair tie was still in my pants’ pocket. 

The lady always dropped off three stations before me. I always wondered whether she would be distributing flyers there. What kind of things does she spend her time doing, what are the things that she’s enduring? How much has she been thinking that tomorrow might not come, or that from the beginning, there was never such a thing called ‘tomorrow’? These are what I thought about. 

The station that the lady would drop by was approaching. Someone pressed the stop button and other passengers got up from their seats. However, in the midst of this, the lady didn’t move.  Her head was just still against the window at where she sat. Time still passed. I went to get closer to her. In that moment, I was conflicted. The bus stop came near. The lady was still as how she was in the beginning. People got off the bus. The doors closed and the bus began to take off. 

It has passed 3 bus stops but I didn’t want to wake her up. As I moved to the exit of the bus, I fought with myself again. It was clear that if I got off, no one would pay attention to her. She would wake up somewhere far from her stop and that it would be much more tiring today for her because of it. 

I dropped off from the bus and the scent of the gas station started to waft through the air. The bus took off and I didn’t want to look back. I left the hair tie on top of her bag. That wasn’t the start but it wasn’t the end either. From the beginning, nevertheless, there was no whatsoever reason. I just thought that nevertheless, it didn’t matter. 

17 December YEAR 21

The people waiting for the first bus rubbed their hands in the cold. I clutched the strap of my bag, looking down at the dirt. I didn’t even put in effort to make eye contact with anyone. In one day, the bus stops in the village twice. From a distance, I could see the bus approaching. 

I boarded the bus behind everyone else. I didn’t look back. When I was passionate for something, something that I barely had, when I didn’t have anything but things to escape - I had conditions. I wasn’t meant to talk about the past. The moment I looked back, the efforts I made to become more than sea foam. I didn’t look back. The suspicion, lingering desire and fear. Only after overcoming these did I manage to escape. 

The bus took off. I had no plans. I had nothing passionate about, nothing to escape from. It was closer to recklessly running away. My mother’s tired face. My wandering younger brother. My dad’s illness. Day by day, it gets harder starting with the situation of the family. From the enforcement of sacrifice and tranquility of the family, pretending to not know, trying to adjust from the struggling. Above all else, from poverty. 

If you ask anyone if poverty is a sin, they say it isn’t. But is that really what is is? Poverty gnaws on many things. Things that were precious aren’t anymore. You give up on things you couldn’t give up on. With all one’s heart, you become suspicious and fearful. 

The bus would arrive at a familiar stop in a few hours. When I left that stop 1 year ago, there were no messages left behind. And now, I was returning without any notice or warning. I remembered my friend’s faces. We cut off all contact. How have they been doing? Will they be happy to see me? Will we laugh again when we are together just like before? There was frost on the windows and I couldn’t see the scenery outside. Slowly, I moved my finger on top. 

“We must survive.”

Hoseok 4 July YEAR 22

I was standing in the hallway the whole time she was receiving first aid. Though it was in the middle of the night, there were many people hovering around. I was soaked to the skin by the rain and my own sweat that  my hair was dripping with it. I shook off the sweat and rain off my hair and put down the bag that was with her. A diversity of things came out tumbling out of it. Coins rolled onto the floor, even a ballpen and a towel fell out. In the middle, there was a airplane e-ticket. I picked it up and read it briefly. 

Then, the doctor called me. He told me that she had a mild concussion and that it’s nothing to worry a lot about. Soon later, she came out as well. “Are you alright?” She said that her head hurt slightly and she took her bag from me. She saw that the e-ticket was peeking out and looked at my face. I changed the strap of my bag slung onto my shoulder and pretended that I didn’t see anything and said that we should go. It has been raining for some time already when we came to the front door. I stood at the front of the door. 

“Hoseok-ah”. She called me. Her facial expression told me that she wanted to say something.  “Let’s wait a while. I’ll buy an umbrella.” I recklessly ran into the rain. There was a convenience store far off in the distance. I knew that for some time ago she entered an overseas dance team audition. The airplane ticket meant that she made it. I didn’t want her to say it. I didn’t have the confidence to congratulate her. 

23 July YEAR 10

When I counted to three, I could hear laughter like a hallucination. In the next moment, I saw the young me passed by while holding someone’s hands. I looked back quickly to only see my classmates staring at me. “Hoseok-ah”. The teacher called my name. Only then did I realize where I was. It was a class field trip. I was counting the fruits drawn in the textbook. Five, six. I continued to count but then my voice trembled and my hands grew sweaty. That memory kept on resurfacing. 

On that day, I couldn’t remember clearly my mother’s face. I only remembered the chocolate bar she gave me as wandered around the amusement park. “Hoseok-ah, from now on, close your eyes and count to 10.” After counting, I opened my eyes to see that my mother wasn’t there anymore. I waited and waited yet she never returned. I counted up till 9. If I counted one more, it would be fine but my voice couldn’t come out. My ears were ringing and my surroundings became hazy. The teacher kept pointing, telling me to keep on counting. I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. It seemed that if I counted one more, my mother would never come back for me. 

Just like that, I collapsed to the ground. 

Jimin 4 July YEAR 22

By the time I came back to my senses, I washed my arm so much that I was losing skin. My hands trembled and I was out of breath. Blood ran down my arm. Looking at the mirror, my eyes were bloodshot. The incident came back to my in fragments.  

In that moment, I lost my focus. It was during the dance when I wanted to match the dance with Noona from a dance club that I lost my flow and collided into her. I fell to the rough floor and my arm started to bleed. I suddenly remembered what happened at the flower arboretum. I thought I had overcome it. But then, that wasn’t the case. I only ran away. I had to wash it away. I had to look away. The me in the mirror was the same 8-year old me who ran away in the rain. Then I realized it. Noona fell down as well. 

There wasn’t anyone in the practice room. I saw the door open ajar with the rain falling outside. I could see Hoseok hyung running. The rain was pouring onto him. I ran after them with an umbrella. I ran. In the end, I stopped and stood there.

I couldn’t do anything. All I could was fall and hurt someone, leave them behind with a part of my pain and then run after them too late before stopping. I turned around. Every time I took a step, rain water soaked my sneakers. Car headlights passed me. I wasn’t okay. No, I am fine. I wasn’t in pain. This much isn’t an injury. I was really fine. 

19 May YEAR 22

In the end, we went to the flower arboretum. I lied that I don’t remember what happened at that place but I had to quit lying. I had to stop hiding in the hospital and having seizures. If I wanted to do that, I had to go to that place. With that in mind, I went to the bus stop every day yet I couldn’t ride the bus to go to the flower arboretum.  

Yoongi hyung came and sat down next to me after 3 buses passed by. I asked him what he was up to, but he shrugged and said that he was bored and had nothing to do. Then he asked why was I sitting here. I lowered my head and kicked the dirt with my shoes. I asked myself why was I sitting here in the first place. I had no courage. Now I wanted to be fine, I wanted to pretend that I knew a bit, to surpass it on my own, yet in reality, I was afraid. I was scared that I might see something, I couldn’t withstand against it, that I might have another seizure.  

Yoongi hyung looked relaxed. 

Taehyung  17 July YEAR 22

My side hurt so bad that it felt as if it was torn. Sweat trickled down my face. The corners of the railroad tracks, the vacant lot behind the convenience store, at the upper road – she was nowhere to be seen. Though I came behind the bus stop, of course, she wouldn’t be there. The commuters who were waiting for the bus were looking at me weirdly. What could I do? We didn’t promise to meet, but it was strange. She was always making appearances from somewhere and followed me around. Even calling her annoying was useless. Yet, the places that we went together, she wasn’t there.  

I stopped walking upon the front of a familiar wall. This was where we did graffiti together. This was her first drawing. On top of it, there was a large X mark over it. It was her. There was no way I saw her do it, but I knew it was her. Why? I don’t have an answer. Instead, several after-images that were scary overlapped on the wall.  

She laughed at me on the day when I hit my head against the railroad tracks as I lied down. Her helping me up as I helped her run away, her angry face when I stole and ate her bread. Her solemn expression when we passed by a photo studio with a family portrait in the front window. Her gaze on the students that we passed by, even she was oblivious to it. This wall was where we sprayed together as I said this. “If you have a problem, tell me. Don’t grumble about it to yourself.” This X was drawn all over these memories. It seemed to say that it was all fake. That it was all lies. Without even realizing it, I made my hands into fists. Why? Of course, I didn’t have an answer. I walked back. I was alone again. Me, and her. 

20 March YEAR 20 

I slid down the hallway, my feet making noisy sounds. Stopping, I stood there. I could see Namjoon Hyung outside ‘Our Classroom’. Our classroom. Without realizing, I started calling that place our classroom. Me, our Hyungs and Jungkook’s, the classroom meant for the 7 of us. I caught my breath and approached him. I wanted to surprise him.  

“Principal!” I barely took 5 steps before I heard an urgent voice through the open window of our classroom. It was Seokjin Hyung. I stopped walking. It seemed as though Seokjin Hyung and the principal was talking? In our classroom? Why? I could also make out that Yoongi Hyung’s name and my name was said with a surprised Namjoon Hyung. I knew it was Seokjin Hyung from the scene and in a flash, the door opened. In Seokjin Hyung’s hand, I could see the phone. It was obvious that his face was surprised and flustered. I couldn’t see Namjoon Hyung’s facial expression. I hid and watched. Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth, as if to make an excuse, however Namjooon Hyung lifted his hand and spoke. “It’s alright.” Seokjin Hyung looked confused. “Hyung must had a reason then.” After he spoke, Namjoon Hyung walked passed Seokjin Hyung and entered the classroom. I couldn’t believe it. Seokjin Hyung told the principal about Yoongi Hyung and me  had been up to for the past few days. He told him about us skipping classes, climbing over the wall and getting into fights with other kids. Yet, Namjoon Hyung said it was all okay.  

“What are you doing here?” Shocked, I turned around to see Hoseok Hyung and Jimin. Hoseok Hyung pretended to be even more surprised then slung his arm around my shoulders. Hoseok Hyung pulled me to enter the classroom. Namjoon Hyung and Seokjin Hyung were talking and when I entered, they looked up. Seokjin Hyung quickly got up, and left saying that he had something urgent to do. I looked at Namjoon Hyung’s expression. He had watched Seokjin’s Hyung retreating back and laughed as though nothing happened. In that moment, a thought occurred to me. Namjoon Hyung must have had a reason. Hyung was way more smarter and older than me. And, this is our classroom. I entered the classroom, smiling the same foolish smile that many called as the ‘boxy square smile’. I thought that I wouldn’t tell anyone that I overheard their conversation. 

Jungkook 26 July YEAR 22  

Quietly, I plucked a flower from the hospital’s flower bed. Every time, laughter comes out from the head that was bent down. The sunshine was shining so bright that it hurts the eyes. Though I knocked the hospital ward’s door, there was no answer. I knocked again, this time, it opened a bit. Inside the ward, there was just a sheet. And, there was no one there. There was just a very quiet and dark bed. 

I left the hospital room. That was where I met her personally when I was bored and was pushing my wheelchair in the hallway. She appeared so suddenly that I barely had time to stop. When I left the hospital, I saw a bench. I remembered that whenever we were together, we would sit and listen to music and even draw. We even drank strawberry milk together at the rooftop. I was still holding the flower from earlier but now I had no one to give it to.  

30 September YEAR 20 

“Jeon Jungkook. You haven’t been going there, have you?” I didn’t even give any answer. I just stood staring at my sneakers. Since I didn’t give an answer, I was deliberately smacked on the head. Still, I didn’t open my mouth. It was the classroom where I used to be with the Hyungs. After a day I followed the Hyungs arund and discovered the classroom, there wasn’t a day where I had gone to it. Maybe the Hyungs didn’t know. Sometimes they weren’t there because they had promises or were busy with their part-time jobs. I haven’t seen Yoongi Hyung and Seokjin Hyung for a few days already. But not me. I didn’t skip a day to not find the classroom. There were days when nobody came at all. Yet, it was okay. Even if it wasn’t today, they would come tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the day after, so it was okay. 

“You only learned bad things from following them around.” Again, I was hit on the head. I lifted my head to look at him to get hit again. Again, I was hit. I could see the image of Yoongi Hyung’s beating me. I gritted my teeth and tried to keep it in. I didn’t want to go to the classroom, I didn’t want to lie.  

Now, I stand in front of the classroom again. If I opened the door, Hyungs would be inside. They would be gathered inside playing games and asking me why I was late. Seokjin Hyung and Namjoon Hyung would be reading books,  Taehyung Hyung would be playing a game, Yoongi Hyung would be playing the piano, Hoseok Hyung and Jimin Hyung would be dancing.  

Yet, when I opened the door, I could only see Hoseok Hyung. He was cleaning the things we left behind in the classroom. I held the door handle and just stood there. Hyung came over and put his arm around my shoulders. He then led me outside. “Now, let’s go.” He closed the door of the classroom behind us. Now I realized. Those days were gone and they would never return. 

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22 

Can anyone remember the moment they fell in love. Can anyone predict the moment this love ended. What is the reason that humans are not be able to recognize these moments. And why was I given the power to undo all these things? 

The car comes to a sudden stop, headlights flashing, bouncing, falling. The one who was standing there amongst the noisy moments, defenseless, was me. I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t sense anything at all. Though it was summer, the breeze was cold. There was the sound of something tumbling down along the road. Also, there was a scent of a flower. It was only then did a sense of reality came back to me. The bouquet of Smeraldo flowers fell from my hand. The lady was the only one in the middle of the road. Blood was spilling out from her head. Dark red blood was flowing onto the road. I thought then. If only I could turn back time. 

17 July YEAR 20

I stood at the front door of the school with the cicada sound coming nearer. At the recreation ground, there were kids who crowded around laughing, fooling around, competing, nipping. The summer school vacation has started and others were excited for it. I lowered my head and walked among them.  

“Hyung”. I lifted my head, surprised at the appearance of someone’s shadow. It was Hoseok and Jimin. They looked at me, their smiles as wide and bright as the sun, and their childlike eyes full of mischief. “Today is the start of vacation, should we just go?” Hoseok said as he pulled my arm. I muttered ‘sure, sure’ and a few other meaningless words as I turned my head away. What happened on that day was clearly an accident. It wasn’t even intentional. In that time, I didn’t even think that Yoongi and Jungkook were at the storage classroom, The principal would suspect that I was sticking up for my younger brothers. He would have told my father that I wasn’t a good student. No matter what, I had to say something. I mentioned the hideout because I thought it was empty. But in the end, Yoongi was expelled. Nobody knew that I was involved, an accomplice.  

“I hope you have a great school holiday, Hyung! Call us.” By how he interpreted my outer expression, Hoseok dropped his hand and gave an even brighter greeting. This time as well, I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t even say anything. As I stand at the school gate, the first day of going to school reeled in my mind. We could laiugh because we received punishment together. I had ruined those times.

Yoongi 15 June YEAR 22 

I wasn’t aware of what is happening but just the sound of music playing in my head. No matter how much alcohol I drink, or where I am, what I am doing is more important. If you want to know, it isn’t important. With faltering steps, I went out into the night. Just walking among the dust. Be it on the street, the street stall or the wall, I hit it. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to forget everything.  

Jimin’s voice was still ringing in my ears. “Hyung. It’s Jungkook.” The next thing I remembered was going up the stairs in the hospital as if I was mad. It was a dark and weird pathway towards the north of the hospital. People who were wearing patient gowns walked past. My heart was racing. Everyone’s faces were pale. They had no facial expression. They all seemed as though they were dead. In my head, my breathing became more ragged.  

I opened the door of the ward where Jungkook was lying down in slightly. I, myself, don’t know why but I turned my head away with a jerk. I couldn’t look at him. In that moment, I could hear the sounds of the piano, fire, the collapse of the building into pieces. I couldn’t even stick it up for him. I then thought,”It was because of me. If I wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened.” It was my mother’s voice, no, my voice, no, it was anybody’s voice. I couldn’t say anything during that painful time. I didn’t want to believe it. But then, Jungkook was lying down there. He was lying down with patients who looked dead passing by. I just couldn’t go inside. I couldn’t even confirm it. When I stood, my legs wanted to give up. I left with tears streaming down my face. I forced myself to laugh. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.  

As I crossed the pedestrian crossing, someone grabbed my arm and I stopped. Who was it? No, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, it was all over. “Don’t come to my side. Go. Please just throw me away. I also don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. And so, please don’t come near me.”

19 September YEAR 16 

The fire burned crimson red. The house that I had been living since this morning was engulfed in flames. The people I knew were running and screaming. The people in the neighbourhood walked with quick steps. I couldn’t hear the entrance of the fire truck into the road. I just stopped and stood there dumbfounded.  

It was the end of summer. Autumn was about to start. The sky was blue and the air was dry. I couldn’t even think, feel or do. Yet, I could only reflect back to  “ah, Mom”. The next moment, the house collapsed with a loud sound. It was engulfed in flames – no, the house that became the flames, the roof, the piallrs and even my room crumbled like a house of sand. I stood there watching it dumbfoundedly.  

Someone pushed past me. I could hear the fire truck. Another person grabbed me and asked me what happened. He even looked me in the eyes while asking yet I couldn’t hear anything.  

“Who is inside?” I looked at the person confused. “Is your mom inside?” The person shook my shoulders. I didn’t know what to answer. “No, there isn’t anyone inside.”  “What do you mean?”, the neighbourhood old lady said. “Your mother? Where did she go?” “There isn’t anyone.” Even I didn’t know what I was saying. Someone pushed past me again.  

Namjoon 13 July YEAR 22 

I leaned against the window of the bus. From the library to the gas station. The familiar scenery passing by the window since I take this route everyday. Will the day come for me to leave this scenery behind? I felt that it was impossible to predict what tomorrow would bring. 

In the distance in front of me, I could see a lady wearing a yellow hair tie. Her shoulders liften and dropped as though she exhaled. She also leaned against the window. It has already been a month since we studied at the library and took the same bus from the station. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other, but we look at the same scenery together, lived in the same time and sighed the same sighs. The hair tie was still in my pants’ pocket.  

The lady always dropped off three stations before me. I always wondered whether she would be distributing flyers there. What kind of things does she spend her time doing, what are the things that she’s enduring? How much has she been thinking that tomorrow might not come, or that from the beginning, there was never such a thing called ‘tomorrow’? These are what I thought about.  

The station that the lady would drop by was approaching. Someone pressed the stop button and other passengers got up from their seats. However, in the midst of this, the lady didn’t move.  Her head was just still against the window at where she sat. Time still passed. I went to get closer to her. In that moment, I was conflicted. The bus stop came near. The lady was still as how she was in the beginning. People got off the bus. The doors closed and the bus began to take off.  

It has passed 3 bus stops but I didn’t want to wake her up. As I moved to the exit of the bus, I fought with myself again. It was clear that if I got off, no one would pay attention to her. She would wake up somewhere far from her stop and that it would be much more tiring today for her because of it.  

I dropped off from the bus and the scent of the gas station started to waft through the air. The bus took off and I didn’t want to look back. I left the hair tie on top of her bag. That wasn’t the start but it wasn’t the end either. From the beginning, nevertheless, there was no whatsoever reason. I just thought that nevertheless, it didn’t matter. 

22 May YEAR 22 

“It’s barely a year age gap difference. No, who said it? I am the Hyung. I know. But he won’t forever be young. I’m asking if it isn’t it about time he knows something. I get it. No, I am not mad. I’m sorry.”  

I ended the call and looked down at the floor. A sad ocean breeze swept through the pine forest. My chest was stifled that it felt that it might explode. On the ground, half of it was sand and half of it was dirt, some ants formed a line and were heading elsewhere, To someone who was greater than me, both physically and symbolically, would it be clear of where I was going, why I was going and how it would turn out?  

It wasn’t that I didn’t love my parents. It wasn’t that I didn’t worry for my younger sibling. I wanted to turn away if I could, but since I couldn’t do anything but be myself, I wasn’t able to. And so, what’s the point in struggling or being angry, frustrated or wanting to leave?  

I could see the back of someone’s back, standing rooted to the ground just like me. It was Jungkook. At some point, Jungkook said this. “Hyung, I want to be an adult like Hyung.” At that time, I couldn’t say anything. I wasn’t an adult that I was proud of, no, I am not an adult. Saying something like that was cruel. To someone who has yet to receive the trust, interest and affection that he naturally should have, how could I say that getting older, growing taller and living a little more doesn’t make one an adult. I hoped Jungkook’s future would be more kinder than mine, but I couldn’t promise that I could be of help to him along the way. I approached him and slung my arm around his shoulder. Jungkook lifted his eyes and looked at me. 

Hoseok 4 July YEAR 22 

I was standing in the hallway the whole time she was receiving first aid. Though it was in the middle of the night, there were many people hovering around. I was soaked to the skin by the rain and my own sweat that  my hair was dripping with it. I shook off the sweat and rain off my hair and put down the bag that was with her. A diversity of things came out tumbling out of it. Coins rolled onto the floor, even a ballpen and a towel fell out. In the middle, there was a airplane e-ticket. I picked it up and read it briefly.  

Then, the doctor called me. He told me that she had a mild concussion and that it’s nothing to worry a lot about. Soon later, she came out as well. “Are you alright?” She said that her head hurt slightly and she took her bag from me. She saw that the e-ticket was peeking out and looked at my face. I changed the strap of my bag slung onto my shoulder and pretended that I didn’t see anything and said that we should go. It has been raining for some time already when we came to the front door. I stood at the front of the door.  

“Hoseok-ah”. She called me. Her facial expression told me that she wanted to say something.  “Let’s wait a while. I’ll buy an umbrella.” I recklessly ran into the rain. There was a convenience store far off in the distance. I knew that for some time ago she entered an overseas dance team audition. The airplane ticket meant that she made it. I didn’t want her to say it. I didn’t have the confidence to congratulate her. 

23 July YEAR 10 

When I counted to three, I could hear laughter like a hallucination. In the next moment, I saw the young me passed by while holding someone’s hands. I looked back quickly to only see my classmates staring at me. “Hoseok-ah”. The teacher called my name. Only then did I realize where I was. It was a class field trip. I was counting the fruits drawn in the textbook. Five, six. I continued to count but then my voice trembled and my hands grew sweaty. That memory kept on resurfacing.  

On that day, I couldn’t remember clearly my mother’s face. I only remembered the chocolate bar she gave me as wandered around the amusement park. “Hoseok-ah, from now on, close your eyes and count to 10.” After counting, I opened my eyes to see that my mother wasn’t there anymore. I waited and waited yet she never returned. I counted up till 9. If I counted one more, it would be fine but my voice couldn’t come out. My ears were ringing and my surroundings became hazy. The teacher kept pointing, telling me to keep on counting. I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. It seemed that if I counted one more, my mother would never come back for me. 

Just like that, I collapsed to the ground. 

Jimin 4 July YEAR 22 

By the time I came back to my senses, I washed my arm so much that I was losing skin. My hands trembled and I was out of breath. Blood ran down my arm. Looking at the mirror, my eyes were bloodshot. The incident came back to my in fragments.  

In that moment, I lost my focus. It was during the dance when I wanted to match the dance with Noona from a dance club that I lost my flow and collided into her. I fell to the rough floor and my arm started to bleed. I suddenly remembered what happened at the flower arboretum. I thought I had overcome it. But then, that wasn’t the case. I only ran away. I had to wash it away. I had to look away. The me in the mirror was the same 8-year old me who ran away in the rain. Then I realized it. Noona fell down as well.  

There wasn’t anyone in the practice room. I saw the door open ajar with the rain falling outside. I could see Hoseok hyung running. The rain was pouring onto him. I ran after them with an umbrella. I ran. In the end, I stopped and stood there. 

I couldn’t do anything. All I could was fall and hurt someone, leave them behind with a part of my pain and then run after them too late before stopping. I turned around. Every time I took a step, rain water soaked my sneakers. Car headlights passed me. I wasn’t okay. No, I am fine. I wasn’t in pain. This much isn’t an injury. I was really fine.  

6 April YEAR 11 

I stood alone at the flower arboretum. Though the weather was bit cold, I felt great. My mother and father were busy on picnic day. At first, I was a disappointed. But at the flower drawing contest, I was praised by my friend’s mother who said “Wow, Jimin is so mature.” From then on, I started to feel that I was cool.  

“Jimin-ah, wait here. Teacher will come soon. When the picnic day ended, my teacher asked me this but I didn’t wait. I walked with confidence alone. With both hands, I held onto the straps of my backpack and walked with dignity. It seemed as though others were looking at me, and so I spread my shoulders wider. Rain began to pour then. My friends and their mothers left, no one was looking for me and my legs began to hurt. I covered my head with the backpack and crouched underneath a tree. The rain began to pour even more, yet no one was passing by. Eventually, I started to run in the rain. I couldn’t see any houses or stores. In the end, I ended up at the back gate of the flower arboretum. The side door was open and I could see a storage room of some sort through it. 

Taehyung  17 July YEAR 22 

My side hurt so bad that it felt as if it was torn. Sweat trickled down my face. The corners of the railroad tracks, the vacant lot behind the convenience store, at the upper road – she was nowhere to be seen. Though I came behind the bus stop, of course, she wouldn’t be there. The commuters who were waiting for the bus were looking at me weirdly. What could I do? We didn’t promise to meet, but it was strange. She was always making appearances from somewhere and followed me around. Even calling her annoying was useless. Yet, the places that we went together, she wasn’t there.  

I stopped walking upon the front of a familiar wall. This was where we did graffiti together. This was her first drawing. On top of it, there was a large X mark over it. It was her. There was no way I saw her do it, but I knew it was her. Why? I don’t have an answer. Instead, several after-images that were scary overlapped on the wall.  

She laughed at me on the day when I hit my head against the railroad tracks as I lied down. Her helping me up as I helped her run away, her angry face when I stole and ate her bread. Her solemn expression when we passed by a photo studio with a family portrait in the front window. Her gaze on the students that we passed by, even she was oblivious to it. This wall was where we sprayed together as I said this. “If you have a problem, tell me. Don’t grumble about it to yourself.” This X was drawn all over these memories. It seemed to say that it was all fake. That it was all lies. Without even realizing it, I made my hands into fists. Why? Of course, I didn’t have an answer. I walked back. I was alone again. Me, and her. 

20 March YEAR 20

I slid down the hallway, my feet making noisy sounds. Stopping, I stood there. I could see Namjoon Hyung outside ‘Our Classroom’. Our classroom. Without realizing, I started calling that place our classroom. Me, our Hyungs and Jungkook’s, the classroom meant for the 7 of us. I caught my breath and approached him. I wanted to surprise him.  

“Principal!” I barely took 5 steps before I heard an urgent voice through the open window of our classroom. It was Seokjin Hyung. I stopped walking. It seemed as though Seokjin Hyung and the principal was talking? In our classroom? Why? I could also make out that Yoongi Hyung’s name and my name was said with a surprised Namjoon Hyung. I knew it was Seokjin Hyung from the scene and in a flash, the door opened. In Seokjin Hyung’s hand, I could see the phone. It was obvious that his face was surprised and flustered. I couldn’t see Namjoon Hyung’s facial expression. I hid and watched. Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth, as if to make an excuse, however Namjooon Hyung lifted his hand and spoke. “It’s alright.” Seokjin Hyung looked confused. “Hyung must had a reason then.” After he spoke, Namjoon Hyung walked passed Seokjin Hyung and entered the classroom. I couldn’t believe it. Seokjin Hyung told the principal about Yoongi Hyung and me  had been up to for the past few days. He told him about us skipping classes, climbing over the wall and getting into fights with other kids. Yet, Namjoon Hyung said it was all okay.  

“What are you doing here?” Shocked, I turned around to see Hoseok Hyung and Jimin. Hoseok Hyung pretended to be even more surprised then slung his arm around my shoulders. Hoseok Hyung pulled me to enter the classroom. Namjoon Hyung and Seokjin Hyung were talking and when I entered, they looked up. Seokjin Hyung quickly got up, and left saying that he had something urgent to do. I looked at Namjoon Hyung’s expression. He had watched Seokjin’s Hyung retreating back and laughed as though nothing happened. In that moment, a thought occurred to me. Namjoon Hyung must have had a reason. Hyung was way more smarter and older than me. And, this is our classroom. I entered the classroom, smiling the same foolish smile that many called as the ‘boxy square smile’. I thought that I wouldn’t tell anyone that I overheard their conversation. 

Jungkook 26 July YEAR 22  

Quietly, I plucked a flower from the hospital’s flower bed. Every time, laughter comes out from the head that was bent down. The sunshine was shining so bright that it hurts the eyes. Though I knocked the hospital ward’s door, there was no answer. I knocked again, this time, it opened a bit. Inside the ward, there was just a sheet. And, there was no one there. There was just a very quiet and dark bed. 

I left the hospital room. That was where I met her personally when I was bored and was pushing my wheelchair in the hallway. She appeared so suddenly that I barely had time to stop. When I left the hospital, I saw a bench. I remembered that whenever we were together, we would sit and listen to music and even draw. We even drank strawberry milk together at the rooftop. I was still holding the flower from earlier but now I had no one to give it to. 

2 May YEAR 22 

I turned my head and was in front of Namjoon Hyung’s container. I opened the door and went in. I gathered the strewn clothes, covered myself in them and bent down. The cold came down on me. My whole body was trembling, I wanted to cry. But no tears came.  

I opened the door to see Yoongi Hyung standing on top of the bed. Flames were coming up from the sheet.  At that moment, my whole body was engulfed in rage and fear that I couldn’t hold back. I wasn’t someone who could speak well. I was slow to express my feelings or to convince someone. Tears welled in my eyes and I coughed yet no words came out. As I ran into the flames, the only words I could spit out in that moment were “We promised to go to the beach together.”  

“Why are you like this? Was it a nightmare?” Someone shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes. It was Namjoon Hyung. I didn’t know why but I felt relieved. Hyung felt my forehead and said I had a fever. Really, that was the case. The inside of my mouth was burning yet I felt unbearably cold. I had a throbbing headache and my throat hurts. I barely managed to eat the medicine that Hyung brought for me. “Sleep more. We’ll talk later.” I nodded my head. Then I said this. “Can I become an adult like Hyung?” Namjoon Hyung looked back. 

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22 

Can anyone remember the moment they fell in love. Can anyone predict the moment this love ended. What is the reason that humans are not be able to recognize these moments. And why was I given the power to undo all these things? 

The car comes to a sudden stop, headlights flashing, bouncing, falling. The one who was standing there amongst the noisy moments, defenseless, was me. I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t sense anything at all. Though it was summer, the breeze was cold. There was the sound of something tumbling down along the road. Also, there was a scent of a flower. It was only then did a sense of reality came back to me. The bouquet of Smeraldo flowers fell from my hand. The lady was the only one in the middle of the road. Blood was spilling out from her head. Dark red blood was flowing onto the road. I thought then. If only I could turn back time. 

11 April YEAR 22 

With a screech, the car had barely came to a stop. I was so deep in thought that I didn’t see the light changing. Students in familiar uniforms were crossing the street and looking at me through the window. Some people were pointing at me. I forced a smile and bowed my head.  I knew what I had to do. But I wasn’t unafraid. It was more of could I put an end to all these misfortunes and pain? What is the point of repeating the same failure mean that I wont be able to achieve success? But is it telling me to give up? Is our happiness just a meaningless hope? Uncomfortable thoughts like these raced through my mind.  

At some point, I approached the intersection with a gas station and I could see Namjoon filling up some cars. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out slowly. I could see all of their faces when I tried to recall them one by one – Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook. I changed lanes and then entered the gas station. I didn’t want to give up. Even if there was a 1% chance, I wouldn’t give up. Through the window, I saw Namjoon approach. 

Yoongi 15 June YEAR 22 

I wasn’t aware of what is happening but just the sound of music playing in my head. No matter how much alcohol I drink, or where I am, what I am doing is more important. If you want to know, it isn’t important. With faltering steps, I went out into the night. Just walking among the dust. Be it on the street, the street stall or the wall, I hit it. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to forget everything.  

Jimin’s voice was still ringing in my ears. “Hyung. It’s Jungkook.” The next thing I remembered was going up the stairs in the hospital as if I was mad. It was a dark and weird pathway towards the north of the hospital. People who were wearing patient gowns walked past. My heart was racing. Everyone’s faces were pale. They had no facial expression. They all seemed as though they were dead. In my head, my breathing became more ragged.  

I opened the door of the ward where Jungkook was lying down in slightly. I, myself, don’t know why but I turned my head away with a jerk. I couldn’t look at him. In that moment, I could hear the sounds of the piano, fire, the collapse of the building into pieces. I couldn’t even stick it up for him. I then thought,”It was because of me. If I wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened.” It was my mother’s voice, no, my voice, no, it was anybody’s voice. I couldn’t say anything during that painful time. I didn’t want to believe it. But then, Jungkook was lying down there. He was lying down with patients who looked dead passing by. I just couldn’t go inside. I couldn’t even confirm it. When I stood, my legs wanted to give up. I left with tears streaming down my face. I forced myself to laugh. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.  

As I crossed the pedestrian crossing, someone grabbed my arm and I stopped. Who was it? No, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, it was all over. “Don’t come to my side. Go. Please just throw me away. I also don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. And so, please don’t come near me.”

19 September YEAR 16 

The fire burned crimson red. The house that I had been living since this morning was engulfed in flames. The people I knew were running and screaming. The people in the neighbourhood walked with quick steps. I couldn’t hear the entrance of the fire truck into the road. I just stopped and stood there dumbfounded.  

It was the end of summer. Autumn was about to start. The sky was blue and the air was dry. I couldn’t even think, feel or do. Yet, I could only reflect back to  “ah, Mom”. The next moment, the house collapsed with a loud sound. It was engulfed in flames – no, the house that became the flames, the roof, the piallrs and even my room crumbled like a house of sand. I stood there watching it dumbfoundedly.  Someone pushed past me. I could hear the fire truck. Another person grabbed me and asked me what happened. He even looked me in the eyes while asking yet I couldn’t hear anything.  

“Who is inside?” I looked at the person confused. “Is your mom inside?” The person shook my shoulders. I didn’t know what to answer. “No, there isn’t anyone inside.” “What do you mean?”, the neighbourhood old lady said. “Your mother? Where did she go?” “There isn’t anyone.” Even I didn’t know what I was saying. Someone pushed past me again.  

Namjoon 13 July YEAR 22 

I leaned against the window of the bus. From the library to the gas station. The familiar scenery passing by the window since I take this route everyday. Will the day come for me to leave this scenery behind? I felt that it was impossible to predict what tomorrow would bring. 

In the distance in front of me, I could see a lady wearing a yellow hair tie. Her shoulders liften and dropped as though she exhaled. She also leaned against the window. It has already been a month since we studied at the library and took the same bus from the station. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other, but we look at the same scenery together, lived in the same time and sighed the same sighs. The hair tie was still in my pants’ pocket.  

The lady always dropped off three stations before me. I always wondered whether she would be distributing flyers there. What kind of things does she spend her time doing, what are the things that she’s enduring? How much has she been thinking that tomorrow might not come, or that from the beginning, there was never such a thing called ‘tomorrow’? These are what I thought about.  

The station that the lady would drop by was approaching. Someone pressed the stop button and other passengers got up from their seats. However, in the midst of this, the lady didn’t move.  Her head was just still against the window at where she sat. Time still passed. I went to get closer to her. In that moment, I was conflicted. The bus stop came near. The lady was still as how she was in the beginning. People got off the bus. The doors closed and the bus began to take off.  

It has passed 3 bus stops but I didn’t want to wake her up. As I moved to the exit of the bus, I fought with myself again. It was clear that if I got off, no one would pay attention to her. She would wake up somewhere far from her stop and that it would be much more tiring today for her because of it.  

I dropped off from the bus and the scent of the gas station started to waft through the air. The bus took off and I didn’t want to look back. I left the hair tie on top of her bag. That wasn’t the start but it wasn’t the end either. From the beginning, nevertheless, there was no whatsoever reason. I just thought that nevertheless, it didn’t matter. 

17 December YEAR 21 

The people waiting for the first bus rubbed their hands in the cold. I clutched the strap of my bag, looking down at the dirt. I didn’t even put in effort to make eye contact with anyone. In one day, the bus stops in the village twice. From a distance, I could see the bus approaching.  

I boarded the bus behind everyone else. I didn’t look back. When I was passionate for something, something that I barely had, when I didn’t have anything but things to escape - I had conditions. I wasn’t meant to talk about the past. The moment I looked back, the efforts I made to become more than sea foam. I didn’t look back. The suspicion, lingering desire and fear. Only after overcoming these did I manage to escape.  

The bus took off. I had no plans. I had nothing passionate about, nothing to escape from. It was closer to recklessly running away. My mother’s tired face. My wandering younger brother. My dad’s illness. Day by day, it gets harder starting with the situation of the family. From the enforcement of sacrifice and tranquility of the family, pretending to not know, trying to adjust from the struggling. Above all else, from poverty.  

If you ask anyone if poverty is a sin, they say it isn’t. But is that really what is is? Poverty gnaws on many things. Things that were precious aren’t anymore. You give up on things you couldn’t give up on. With all one’s heart, you become suspicious and fearful.  

The bus would arrive at a familiar stop in a few hours. When I left that stop 1 year ago, there were no messages left behind. And now, I was returning without any notice or warning. I remembered my friend’s faces. We cut off all contact. How have they been doing? Will they be happy to see me? Will we laugh again when we are together just like before? There was frost on the windows and I couldn’t see the scenery outside. Slowly, I moved my finger on top.  

“We must survive.”

Hoseok 4 July YEAR 22 

I was standing in the hallway the whole time she was receiving first aid. Though it was in the middle of the night, there were many people hovering around. I was soaked to the skin by the rain and my own sweat that  my hair was dripping with it. I shook off the sweat and rain off my hair and put down the bag that was with her. A diversity of things came out tumbling out of it. Coins rolled onto the floor, even a ballpen and a towel fell out. In the middle, there was a airplane e-ticket. I picked it up and read it briefly.  

Then, the doctor called me. He told me that she had a mild concussion and that it’s nothing to worry a lot about. Soon later, she came out as well. “Are you alright?” She said that her head hurt slightly and she took her bag from me. She saw that the e-ticket was peeking out and looked at my face. I changed the strap of my bag slung onto my shoulder and pretended that I didn’t see anything and said that we should go. It has been raining for some time already when we came to the front door. I stood at the front of the door.  

“Hoseok-ah”. She called me. Her facial expression told me that she wanted to say something. “Let’s wait a while. I’ll buy an umbrella.” I recklessly ran into the rain. There was a convenience store far off in the distance. I knew that for some time ago she entered an overseas dance team audition. The airplane ticket meant that she made it. I didn’t want her to say it. I didn’t have the confidence to congratulate her. 

23 July YEAR 10

When I counted to three, I could hear laughter like a hallucination. In the next moment, I saw the young me passed by while holding someone’s hands. I looked back quickly to only see my classmates staring at me. “Hoseok-ah”. The teacher called my name. Only then did I realize where I was. It was a class field trip. I was counting the fruits drawn in the textbook. Five, six. I continued to count but then my voice trembled and my hands grew sweaty. That memory kept on resurfacing.  

On that day, I couldn’t remember clearly my mother’s face. I only remembered the chocolate bar she gave me as wandered around the amusement park. “Hoseok-ah, from now on, close your eyes and count to 10.” After counting, I opened my eyes to see that my mother wasn’t there anymore. I waited and waited yet she never returned. I counted up till 9. If I counted one more, it would be fine but my voice couldn’t come out. My ears were ringing and my surroundings became hazy. The teacher kept pointing, telling me to keep on counting. I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. It seemed that if I counted one more, my mother would never come back for me.  

Just like that, I collapsed to the ground. 

Jimin 4 July YEAR 22 

By the time I came back to my senses, I washed my arm so much that I was losing skin. My hands trembled and I was out of breath. Blood ran down my arm. Looking at the mirror, my eyes were bloodshot. The incident came back to my in fragments.  

In that moment, I lost my focus. It was during the dance when I wanted to match the dance with Noona from a dance club that I lost my flow and collided into her. I fell to the rough floor and my arm started to bleed. I suddenly remembered what happened at the flower arboretum. I thought I had overcome it. But then, that wasn’t the case. I only ran away. I had to wash it away. I had to look away. The me in the mirror was the same 8-year old me who ran away in the rain. Then I realized it. Noona fell down as well.  

There wasn’t anyone in the practice room. I saw the door open ajar with the rain falling outside. I could see Hoseok hyung running. The rain was pouring onto him. I ran after them with an umbrella. I ran. In the end, I stopped and stood there. 

I couldn’t do anything. All I could was fall and hurt someone, leave them behind with a part of my pain and then run after them too late before stopping. I turned around. Every time I took a step, rain water soaked my sneakers. Car headlights passed me. I wasn’t okay. No, I am fine. I wasn’t in pain. This much isn’t an injury. I was really fine. 

6 April YEAR 11 

I stood alone at the flower arboretum. Though the weather was bit cold, I felt great. My mother and father were busy on picnic day. At first, I was a disappointed. But at the flower drawing contest, I was praised by my friend’s mother who said “Wow, Jimin is so mature.” From then on, I started to feel that I was cool.  

“Jimin-ah, wait here. Teacher will come soon. When the picnic day ended, my teacher asked me this but I didn’t wait. I walked with confidence alone. With both hands, I held onto the straps of my backpack and walked with dignity. It seemed as though others were looking at me, and so I spread my shoulders wider. Rain began to pour then. My friends and their mothers left, no one was looking for me and my legs began to hurt. I covered my head with the backpack and crouched underneath a tree. The rain began to pour even more, yet no one was passing by. Eventually, I started to run in the rain. I couldn’t see any houses or stores. In the end, I ended up at the back gate of the flower arboretum. The side door was open and I could see a storage room of some sort through it. 

Taehyung  17 July YEAR 22 

My side hurt so bad that it felt as if it was torn. Sweat trickled down my face. The corners of the railroad tracks, the vacant lot behind the convenience store, at the upper road – she was nowhere to be seen. Though I came behind the bus stop, of course, she wouldn’t be there. The commuters who were waiting for the bus were looking at me weirdly. What could I do? We didn’t promise to meet, but it was strange. She was always making appearances from somewhere and followed me around. Even calling her annoying was useless. Yet, the places that we went together, she wasn’t there.  

I stopped walking upon the front of a familiar wall. This was where we did graffiti together. This was her first drawing. On top of it, there was a large X mark over it. It was her. There was no way I saw her do it, but I knew it was her. Why? I don’t have an answer. Instead, several after-images that were scary overlapped on the wall.  

She laughed at me on the day when I hit my head against the railroad tracks as I lied down. Her helping me up as I helped her run away, her angry face when I stole and ate her bread. Her solemn expression when we passed by a photo studio with a family portrait in the front window. Her gaze on the students that we passed by, even she was oblivious to it. This wall was where we sprayed together as I said this. “If you have a problem, tell me. Don’t grumble about it to yourself.” This X was drawn all over these memories. It seemed to say that it was all fake. That it was all lies. Without even realizing it, I made my hands into fists. Why? Of course, I didn’t have an answer. I walked back. I was alone again. Me, and her. 

20 March YEAR 20

I slid down the hallway, my feet making noisy sounds. Stopping, I stood there. I could see Namjoon Hyung outside ‘Our Classroom’. Our classroom. Without realizing, I started calling that place our classroom. Me, our Hyungs and Jungkook’s, the classroom meant for the 7 of us. I caught my breath and approached him. I wanted to surprise him.  

“Principal!” I barely took 5 steps before I heard an urgent voice through the open window of our classroom. It was Seokjin Hyung. I stopped walking. It seemed as though Seokjin Hyung and the principal was talking? In our classroom? Why? I could also make out that Yoongi Hyung’s name and my name was said with a surprised Namjoon Hyung. I knew it was Seokjin Hyung from the scene and in a flash, the door opened. In Seokjin Hyung’s hand, I could see the phone. It was obvious that his face was surprised and flustered. I couldn’t see Namjoon Hyung’s facial expression. I hid and watched. Seokjin Hyung opened his mouth, as if to make an excuse, however Namjooon Hyung lifted his hand and spoke. “It’s alright.” Seokjin Hyung looked confused. “Hyung must had a reason then.” After he spoke, Namjoon Hyung walked passed Seokjin Hyung and entered the classroom. I couldn’t believe it. Seokjin Hyung told the principal about Yoongi Hyung and me  had been up to for the past few days. He told him about us skipping classes, climbing over the wall and getting into fights with other kids. Yet, Namjoon Hyung said it was all okay.  

“What are you doing here?” Shocked, I turned around to see Hoseok Hyung and Jimin. Hoseok Hyung pretended to be even more surprised then slung his arm around my shoulders. Hoseok Hyung pulled me to enter the classroom. Namjoon Hyung and Seokjin Hyung were talking and when I entered, they looked up. Seokjin Hyung quickly got up, and left saying that he had something urgent to do. I looked at Namjoon Hyung’s expression. He had watched Seokjin’s Hyung retreating back and laughed as though nothing happened. In that moment, a thought occurred to me. Namjoon Hyung must have had a reason. Hyung was way more smarter and older than me. And, this is our classroom. I entered the classroom, smiling the same foolish smile that many called as the ‘boxy square smile’. I thought that I wouldn’t tell anyone that I overheard their conversation. 

Jungkook 26 July YEAR 22  

Quietly, I plucked a flower from the hospital’s flower bed. Every time, laughter comes out from the head that was bent down. The sunshine was shining so bright that it hurts the eyes. Though I knocked the hospital ward’s door, there was no answer. I knocked again, this time, it opened a bit. Inside the ward, there was just a sheet. And, there was no one there. There was just a very quiet and dark bed. 

I left the hospital room. That was where I met her personally when I was bored and was pushing my wheelchair in the hallway. She appeared so suddenly that I barely had time to stop. When I left the hospital, I saw a bench. I remembered that whenever we were together, we would sit and listen to music and even draw. We even drank strawberry milk together at the rooftop. I was still holding the flower from earlier but now I had no one to give it to.

30 September YEAR 20 

“Jeon Jungkook. You haven’t been going there, have you?” I didn’t even give any answer. I just stood staring at my sneakers. Since I didn’t give an answer, I was deliberately smacked on the head. Still, I didn’t open my mouth. It was the classroom where I used to be with the Hyungs. After a day I followed the Hyungs arund and discovered the classroom, there wasn’t a day where I had gone to it. Maybe the Hyungs didn’t know. Sometimes they weren’t there because they had promises or were busy with their part-time jobs. I haven’t seen Yoongi Hyung and Seokjin Hyung for a few days already. But not me. I didn’t skip a day to not find the classroom. There were days when nobody came at all. Yet, it was okay. Even if it wasn’t today, they would come tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the day after, so it was okay.  

“You only learned bad things from following them around.” Again, I was hit on the head. I lifted my head to look at him to get hit again. Again, I was hit. I could see the image of Yoongi Hyung’s beating me. I gritted my teeth and tried to keep it in. I didn’t want to go to the classroom, I didn’t want to lie.  

Now, I stand in front of the classroom again. If I opened the door, Hyungs would be inside. They would be gathered inside playing games and asking me why I was late. Seokjin Hyung and Namjoon Hyung would be reading books,  Taehyung Hyung would be playing a game, Yoongi Hyung would be playing the piano, Hoseok Hyung and Jimin Hyung would be dancing.  

Yet, when I opened the door, I could only see Hoseok Hyung. He was cleaning the things we left behind in the classroom. I held the door handle and just stood there. Hyung came over and put his arm around my shoulders. He then led me outside. “Now, let’s go.” He closed the door of the classroom behind us. Now I realized. Those days were gone and they would never return.