saw a post earlier that said something along the lines of “i became everything i wanted to be as a little girl and didn’t even notice” and while i adore that i can’t help but be filled with a sense of grief as i realize i have no idea what little me wanted to be
because the things i remember wanting for the future weren’t my things to want….i proclaimed i wanted to be a teacher because my mom was one and everyone told me i should follow in her footsteps. i wanted to be a mother because i helped raise my siblings and everyone told me i would make a good mom (even though the idea of motherhood made my stomach churn even when i was little). i declared my intention to be a good religious follower with the full belief that i might have to die for my faith one day because that’s what the grown ups in my life said might happen.
i have not become what my younger self wanted me to be, because that version of me was the shattered mirror image of everyone’s expectations for me
that “little girl” had no concept of wanting anything because she believed that she wanted what everyone else wanted for her, and she was so disoriented by this that there is and was no concept of a True Self for her to want
