#eyewitnessarmy

You made that absolutely clear when you brought Helen the gun and he knows that.

He wants you to swear that you are not lying. And he shouldn’t be asking you that but he thinks you lie all the time and yeah, maybe you do… maybe you’ve not stopped doing that since that day you kissed him for the first time.

Maybe you’ve treated him like shit too many times but you don’t think you’ve ever really lied to him and he should know that.

Because he’s the only one you can be honest with.

So you swear again that you broke up with her and this time he seems to believe you because he asks you what she said.

You don’t feel like repeating all the shit she said.

She said that she never liked me anyway. You say instead.

He knows it’s bullshit, so he snorts and you both laugh and he slaps you playfully and you are happy you made him smile.

Then you find out he got film for the camera you got him and you don’t like pictures, at least not when you are the subject, so you cover your face but he points it at you and it’s too late. He takes it anyway.

That’s a classic. You say. Because it is. But you pull it out and you ask how this thing works.

You just got to watch it develop for, like, thirty seconds. He says. And thirty seconds feel like a long time right now.

Youyou say don’t feel like waiting that long. Besides, he’s back next to you and you put your arm around his shoulder as you count the seconds.

Shut up. He says.

And you can’t stop the smile on your face because this light totally suits him and he’s the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen and you want to kiss him every chance you have and so you do it. Close to his ear, something you never felt like doing with Rose. But then again, you never were in a barn with Rose. There was never any pain in your stomach with her. So when he asks you why you did it, the answer couldn’t be any easier or more honest.

‘Cause I don’t want a girlfriend. You say.

And the way he smiles at you… fuck, he’s happy. He’s really happy. Because he knows it’s true and he knows exactly what you mean. You don’t need to say it and that’s good.

You came forward with the gun and your part of the truth because they were taking him away.

You did it because you want him here. Next to you. Like right now.

He’s all you want and that’s exactly why you broke up with her. Because you were done with lying to her. And you were done with hurting the only person that really matters to you.

And when he smiles you know he gets that. You know he’s proud of you and that makes you feel good.

Because, like you told his mom, loving him the way you do out here is hard but it’s even harder staying away from him.

You just can’t imagine losing him.

You’re not sure what’s going to happen but you’re done with losing time.

You’re done with keeping Philip away.

You’re done with having a girlfriend who means nothing to you.

You’re done with being a coward.

From now on you’re with him. And you’re not letting him go.

He grabs his phone and gives you a set of earphones.

It’s a little surprise. I made us a playlist.

It’s not only the way he says it. It’s the fact that he did it thinking about you what totally warms you heart.

Nobody has ever made you a playlist.

Nobody has ever made a silly video that is the cutest thing you have on your phone.

Nobody has ever forgiven you so many times.

Nobody has ever lied for you.

Nobody but him.

And you’re never forgetting that again.

Your arm rests over his shoulder and he’s back lying against you and it feels unreal how perfect he feels in your arms.

It feels like the place you’re supposed to be.

It feels like this is what you’ve been waiting for.

It feels like this is where he belongs.

So you kiss his head just because you can before closing you eyes.

Music and peace as you hold him close, and if you ever doubted what perfection feels like, now you don’t anymore.

Now you know.

You run your right hand along his arm and somehow it keeps you calm because it makes this real.

Because you know he’s still here.

Because you know he’s not going anywhere.

Because you know he’s safe.

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You’re Not This Guy [Philip/Lukas, 1383 words][1.01]

In Another World [Philip/Lukas, 406 words][1.03]

Everything You Wanted [Philip/Lukas, 802 words][1.06]

Until you hear it.

Gone.

For a moment you're not sure what he means but you can't help it, your heart starts beating faster. You don't like that word.

Helen and Gabe are taking Philip back to social services or somewhere.

Social services

Somewhere

Somewhere else.

Really gone.

Not the kind of gone where you'll still see him from afar.

Not the kind of gone where he'll meet you when you decide you two need to hang out.

No. Just really gone.

And you did this. And you're supposed to want this because you don't want to be that guy. Nobody wants you to be that guy. But what if you are?

This time your father and this guy fade away. Just like that. You can't hear them. You don't know how this is happening.

And it feels like you can't breath. And you heart keeps beating too fast.

You remember the file he sent you and you wonder. Maybe that's the last thing you'll ever have from him and you didn't even look at it.

So you do it. You open it and you see the way he sees you. The way nobody else sees you. And you see him. Smiling. Gorgeous. With you, having fun. That day was so much fun. You only have fun when you are with him. You're yourself only when you are with him. Of course, you know that. He makes you smile and he makes you laugh.

That's Philip.

That's the guy who likes you and supports you despite everything you've done to him. Despite everything you've asked him to do for you. The one who talked to him mom about you. The one you're going to lose if you haven't already. Because maybe you have. Maybe it's too late. But if it isn't, you need to do something about it.

Everything so that he's not really gone.

You need to come clean.

You need to admit that you lied.

You need to get there as fast as you can.

So you get up and you admit the truth to your father. Your part of the truth at least. Because you need to go and that's all you can think about. You say you'll tell him more later. That you have to go. And you grab the gun and you're gone.

Your heart won't slow down and you ride the bike faster than you should.

On the way there you can't stop thinking all the times you've fucked up. You know this is your fault. And you want to make it right. You want to fix it. You want him back.

You don't just like him.

You love him. Now you know that.

And somehow you get there in time because you see him in the car.

So you give Helen the gun and you admit that Philip never lied.

That you were there, in the cabin.

And you can't help the tear falling down your cheek because you caused this.

All this shit could have been avoided if you hadn't treated Philip the way you did. If you hadn't lied. If you hadn't been a coward.

But you were a coward.

It hurts when you look at Philip and he looks away, but you're not surprised. You know you deserve it. So fucking much.

So you wonder if you were late after all.

You wonder if this time he won't forgive you.

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You're Not This Guy [Philip/Lukas, 1383 words][1.01] - Lukas's feelings in the scene where Philip goes to his room

In Another World [Philip/Lukas, 406 words][1.03] - Lukas's feelings in the scene after the gay club

Nobody but Him [Philip/Lukas, 906 words][1.07] - Lukas's feelings in the barn scene

And you feel so fucking relieved and so happy that you just want to celebrate and to let go, and you kiss him before taking off your t-shirt, and you hover over him, teasing him, making him wait before your lips touch his, kissing him again.

And the thing is that it's getting intense in record time. He's unbuttoned your jeans and his hand in touching your thigh and for a second you come back to reality and you wonder what is going on because this wasn't supposed to happen. So you move away and he holds your arms and looks at you with uncertainty and worry, and you see that he doesn't get it. He has no idea. He wonders what's wrong and you want to say that everything is wrong because you don't know what are you doing. Because when you are with him you feel like you are somebody else and you do things that you shouldn't be doing.

I can't believe what's happening.

It's the first thing that comes out of your mouth. Because you don't know how to explain it and it's the truth, in many ways you can't believe it because this isn't you. You're supposed to be attracted to Rose. You're supposed to be straight. You're not this guy.

You're into me. That's what's happening.

He's just stating the obvious. The truth. And he tells you to deal with it, like if you can do that. Like it is that easy. That simple.

But it's not that simple because no one knows and no one can know.

So when he asks you who cares if people find out, you say that you care. That he doesn't get it. You explain that no one wants you to be that guy. No one wants you to be guy.

What if you are? He asks you.

Of course, that pisses you off. Because you can't answer that. You don't want to. You can't. And you tell him that he doesn't know you when you both know that he's the only one who does.

And he calls you a spoiled-ass rich kid and that pisses you off more because you don't want to be that guy either and you probably are. So you remind him that his mom is a junkie and, as soon as it comes out of your mouth, you know you've crossed the line.

Okay, you didn't have to say that.

He's hurt and this whole thing sucks, so you say sorry and you hope that he accepts that. But he looks away and you know you've fucked up. And the thing is that you're really sorry because for some reason you just don't want him to hurt. He doesn't need you for that. So you change your mind and you tell yourself that that's why you want to kiss him again. That's the reason why can't stay away.

My dad's in Poughkeepsie tonight.

You know it sounds lame, but this is one of those times when you don't know what to say, so you go with the truth because even if you don't want to be that guy, you don't want him to go either. And, most of all, you don't want him to be mad at you.

So you get on the bed and he won't even look at you. You cup his face and you kiss him and he's not into it and you lose it because you want him to want you. You want him to kiss you back. You want him to get into it like he did at the cabin.

And it hurts as much as it turns you on. Because he turns you on like no one has before and there's just you and him and that's all you can think about. You just want him where he was before, closer to you, easier to kiss, to touch and to feel.

So you get between his legs again and you grab his hips and you push him down and you have no idea what he's thinking but he's not looking at you like he did before, and you feel that something is off. But you can fix it because you know he's into you. You know he wants you. Besides, you've stopped thinking and you want to do all kinds of things to him.

You run your hand along his thigh and he looks so hot that you don't know where to start. You push his shirt up and he just looks at you, like he's afraid to move, unsure of what to do. And suddenly, you don't want to lose more time. You unbutton his jeans as you look at him, and as you start to get them off, he says no once and again, pushing you away.

You try to stop him but there's no point in that.

I'm not gonna be your little bitch. He says, and you can't believe what's happening because he's the one who came here in the first place. The one who started this whole thing. The one who did this to you.

You’ve got Rose for that.

He mentions Rose and that pisses you off even more because you don’t want Rose and he fucking knows that. He knows how to hurt you as much as you know how to hurt him, and this is a game you don’t want to play.

You can't hit me in the face, not want to be seen with me like I'm some freak, and then you want to fool around.

He reminds you that you did all that shit and you know he's right. You fucking hit him in the face for just talking to you and you were expecting him to forget all that. And you are so frustrated right now that you don't know what to do.

 No, you got to decide.

You just tell him that there's nothing to decide and you see the disappointment in his face and you know you've fucked up again. You know there's no way to fix this because you're not gonna be that guy. And you know he's not coming back.

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In Another World - Lukas's feelings in the scene after the gay club (1.03)

Everything You Wanted - Lukas's feelings when his father says that Philip is gone (1.06)

Nobody but Him - Lukas’s feelings in the barn scene (1.07)