#expected behavior

Ah yes, Social expectations, the bane of my existence. One of the most infamous questions I get asked is, “is doing X or Y socially acceptable?” I feel paranoid about behavioral expectations because it's like taking a multiple choice questionnaire blindfolded.

It was the eighth grade when I heard the words “unexpected or expected” behavior. Expected meant good or positive behavior. Unexpected means bad or negative behavior. A social worker came down to discuss the definitions of both words. She came down to our room to draw on a board. She was describing the new words.  Naturally, I hated those two words because It felt so ridiculous that we had to follow a set of behavior rules. Of course being incredibly naive, I thought that I was doing well by paying attention to the diagram. As long as I didn’t use profanity and watched my behavior at school, I would be ok. But that's not how social expectations worked out. In fact, I got so upset from possible paranoia, that everyone was judging me,  that I had a meltdown. On that same day, I developed such a strong hatred for the words, that I burst into tears, blubbering about how much I hate “unexpected and expected behaviors”. 

I still hate it when teachers try to teach me expected and unexpected behaviors. In my opinion, being told expected and unexpected behaviors is the equivalent of  having information shoved down your throat. I am told that unexpected behaviors such as interrupting, picking one's nose, and talking too much about a subject will cause a negative perception or uncomfortable thoughts.

Autistic person (walks home) Neurotypical: Hello, how was your day?

Autistic person: proceeds to pick nose

Neurotypical: Wow. that person’s weird. 

That's what I picture when I hear that my bad behavior will kill my social life. I’m not kidding, from 8th grade to present day, I’m told that my peers will think bad thoughts if I don’t follow expected behaviors. This has been repeated over the years. Ironically, one of the symptoms of autism is the black and white mindset. We were criticized for this mindset while learning that certain behaviors were bad and good. 

black=bad

white=good

 This causes me to become highly embarrassed if I break an unwritten rule. To make matters worse, middle schoolers began to develop a colorful vocabulary. By colorful, I mean screaming swear words at the top of their lungs. So, I kept to myself by reading in the corner. I also tried to follow the social expectations by keeping my vocabulary clean. The only topics I could talk about were the Beatles, the Princess Bride (great novel/movie) , or any wholesome topic. This made me vulnerable to bullies.This justifies bullying as I have had peers think it’s funny to make fun of me. Later, I remember I pulled a social mistake, which caused the students to think weird thoughts about me.  No one should ever think like this.

We’re being taught that expected behaviors are “normal” or “good”. Yet, I feel ashamed when I break an unwritten social rule. I also feel left out, when my peers can get away with swearing or making inappropriate jokes.