Obviously 2020 is a shit show. I’ve been trying to have a baby for a year, that’s been stressful. And more and more, as much as a dumpster fire that my home country is right now. I just want to be there.

I thought this was my new home. But it isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be. I don’t know if I want to give it a chance to be? I wanted it to be home but my home was a person as cliché and gross as that sounds. But everything I am is just screaming to go back.

I feel immense guilt when I think about all we have been through to get me here, and then just wanting to go back. I romanticized the shit out of living here and it’s just not what my soul needs. It’s a personal thing. Nothing against England. Hell there’s a lot of things I love about this country. A lot.

I don’t feel like my soul belongs here. I know I’ve only been here for almost 2 years and a lot of people wouldn’t say that’s long enough. There aren’t any immediate plans to go back to the states. So I’ll be here for a while. But my heart and my soul tell me this isn’t my permanent place. This isn’t where I will thrive. But I’ll be here for a while and we have come to terms with that. We being my entire being; heart, body, soul. We just have to wait.

Working. Constantly. Rob and I are always at work! Which is good but at the same time I’m already burnt out and I’ve only been there for 2 months.

Been thinking a lot about careers. I do enjoy my job but I don’t see myself being there for a long time. I want a career. Something I can settle into. Something a bit slower paced.

Things are good, though. I’m starting to feel like England is more and more like home. It’s always felt like a home to me, but now it’s feeling like home.

We have been planning and talking about when we want to start our family. In a few months we are going to kind of start trying, that way if I do get pregnant I’ll be able to get full maternity leave from work 😂 ALWAYS have to consider that.

I’m scared of the whole process, really. The baby having process. I’m scared of all the extra steps we will have to take because I’m american and also all the extra steps we need to take when it comes to my visa extension.

It’s still 2 years away but it makes me paranoid! I constantly think about all the things we need to get sorted. Trying to add my name onto bills that are already established is a lot harder than I expected.

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