#exit talks

1. outrageously angry man returning a lawnmower and it was our dad

2. Italian exchange student said “Look, the compressed horse.”

3. “im eminem!” “and I’m skittles?”

4. I JUST MISTOOK ANOTHER STUDENT FOR A TRASH CAN

5. he ate the reeses cup then stabbed himself with the epipen

6. “GODDAMMIT, MR. NOODLE.”

7. school on lockdown because someone put weed in the vents

8. Can’t cheat with those big ass galaxy phones

9. weirdly self-conscious about wiper blade speed

10. My brother told me not to slam the door and yell “Guess who’s home, motherfuckers”

11. drove by traffic camera 6 times thinking it was funny

12. drill sergeant made kid carry around potted plant to replace the oxygen he wasted

13. A list of things that do not offend people:

14. kid grabbed seagull out of air, all his friends were like “again tyrone?? really??”

15. “LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS”

16. drunk man proposes to tree, gets rejected

17. “i’m on my way, the traffic is just slow, i’m coming” “mom i called the house phone”

18. a kid’s phone started siri, TEACHER STARTED EXPLAINING IT AGAIN

19. “watch my stuff” what if someone comes and actually tries to steal it

20. our goats think that now whenever they pee they get a treat

21. “it’s for your own good”, mom deleted the internet explorer icon from my desktop

22. a girl called me a lying slut because I was with her bf a lot. we’re siblings

23. I watched an old couple set off their car alarm and drive away… now that i think about it-

24. Rules to learning English: their our know rules

25. a kid got expelled for pretending to be russian for 8 months

26. a girl said she had two moms and a boy started crying, he said it wasn’t fair she had two

27. when a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she hasn’t spotted you in the tree yet

28. my mom is telling me “get a good job” but my heart is telling me “marry rich”

29. my parents split after they made me. i am a volcano. follow for more geological humour

30. I’m saying “excuse me” but I really mean “why the fu-”

31. nun goes “I’m allowed to look at the menu I just can’t order”

32. Hospitals are so weird

33. handed their BLIND SON a menu and he’s like “ah… thank you… I’ll just… read this”

34. on April Fool’s his mom called to say she was in labour, dad laughed and hung up on her

35. “why do I fear bears? because Chester Zoo is 30 miles away and bears can smell fear”

36. dropped her ipad but held tight to her pizza

37. her parents faked a british accent in front of her until she was 7

38. really religious girl who told people off if they swore, gets sworn at

39. he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank

40. so i was the official shia labeouf myspace but i was in fact a 12 yr old canadian kid

41. subway thief told suitcase has “a bunch of laptops” ends up stealing a dead dog

42. “I guess working in fast food just wasn’t my cup of tea”

43. I waited until the professor handed back the papers and angrily asked where mine was

44. so i started trying to kill classmates with my mind

45. my favorite thing is ask 14/15 year old kids on dates if they want a kids menu

46. I blacked out in Disney World, woke up with Mickey Mouse putting a cold towel on me

47. “wanna date me? yes: smile no: backflip” and she did a backflip

48. “do you wanna kiss” “excuse me” he pulled out a bag of hershey’s kisses

49. when beyoncé asked all the single ladies to put their hands up I looked at my bf and

50. 7th grade, his world of warcraft friends threw him a virtual birthday party