#existential mediocrity

I keep getting the sudden shock that I am nothing.

No one knows who I am, knows my name. If you speak of me vaguely in a conversation no one will recognize that it's me. I'm the most inconsequential person whose existence I know of.

I'm not smart. I'm a highschool drop out. I'll never go to college and have those experiences that are supposed to be so great. I'll never get a degree and so won't get a good job (if I get one at all), I won't be able to learn anything new. I have no skills or talents. No one will give me a chance at anything.

I'm not even marginally attractive, so I won't even get noticed for that. No stranger has ever called me pretty. No stranger has pointed me out to a friend and talked about me as we passed each other at the mall.

My friends seem content to not talk to me for weeks on end when I feel crippled without them, like I only exist when they notice me. I'm overly dependent because I never had any real friends until I was thirteen. Most times I question if they're my friends at all.

I will never write a book. I will never learn a third language. I will never learn to play the violin. I will never go to London. I will never go to Cardiff. I will never go to Egypt. I will never have someone fall in love with me. I will never have children. I will never be a role model.

I will never accomplish anything.

I will never make anyone proud of me.

I will never feel like I belong.