#existence meme

It's a stab of regret.  The words aren't something he takes lightly.  He'd heard from Dean of his torture by Alastair, and he knew he kept pushing it aside to some point.  It was hard to even hear the demon's name after the last possession fucking his life up, making the law after him, killing John, trying to kill Dean- it had broken him again.

But to know that the decision was made by Dean from his words- that his attempt to save the other was actually damning him to becoming a demon?

Oh, but Sam knows.  He's considered asking the Doctor to make it so he was never born.  He attempted to cause himself to stop existing.  It was earlier this year he asked Dean if he thought it was possible to never have existed.  The guilt of causing his mother's death will never fade.  She's one of the many names in his head who he apologizes for, daily.  Who he punishes himself for, and yet knows that with the way his life goes- he knows she wouldn't approve of what he did.

She deserved to live.