Excerpt from “In The Search of Dawn”
Barbie was truly one of a kind. Sweet and modest, I wished I could be more like her. For a moment, I really thought I was being ridiculous. I didn’t have to avoid her, we were conversing just fine and I wasn’t crashing to pieces. And then she said, “I hope Nathan and I last that long.” And I wanted to die and strangle her all at the same time.
I felt all the nerves in my heart burned raw. I really needed to figure this out. I couldn’t go on like this; I needed something to help me through it. I needed a drink. But there weren’t any drinks around, and I was driving.
Suddenly, the walls were closing in on me. I didn’t plan what I said next, but believe me, it’s the most truthful thing I said all day. I just felt so incomplete right then, like looking for a sound you couldn’t hear or a thing you couldn’t see.
So instead of agreeing with her, this it what came out of my mouth:
“Yeah… let’s hope you don’t.” I was shocked at the words. Barbie’s eyes, matching eyes to his, were wide in confusion and surprise.
“Why would you say something like that?” I could play it off as a joke. It would work, I had evolved into a natural liar somewhere along the line of occurrences from the past months. But I was tired of taking everyone’s feelings into account but my own.
Sacrificing my love for Barbie’s. Screwing my relation with Nathan. Saving my opinions to Gale. Hiding my hurt from Nikki.
I was fed up from all the collateral damage I was taking.
“You know, I… like Nathan.” Her eyes widened. I took advantage of her silence. “I don’t want you to break up with him or blame yourself or whatever. I just wanted to tell you. I… like him since before.”
“I thought telling you would make me feel better. I don’t know if it has, but I’ll keep you posted.” And if her expression was anything to go by, the last thing she wanted was for me to “keep her posted”.
“Bye Barbie” I prompted her. “You really shouldn’t pay what I told you any mind.”
I was expecting a slap, a scream, a demand. I was expecting a reaction.
All I got was a stunned silence.
Barbie opened the door, picked up her bag, and left the car. She didn’t look back.
And I... I didn’t feel any better.
