#ex-files

Especially if you're a man or the child of a narccisstic parent.  

They isolate you from your longtime friends and family. They might charm these people, and says things like, "She’s cool; I like her." But later on, they might say something like "She's really shallow—I'm not sure she's good for you." They engage in intermittent reinforcement. You get treated well enough on some days, and it confuses you into continuing with the relationship.. you willingly isolate yourself, following your narcissist's terms. They pre-warn you about the things you cannot say. They tell tales about his exes, family members, and business partners cheating or abandoning them to justify the isolation. They say things like it "You know my history, that’s why I get paranoid, and that’s why you can’t do this." This way, they get their narcissistic supply and expected you to overlook the abuse. They expect to keep it all a secret, hoping to give them a loving environment where they "heal from mistrust" where you sacrifice and become emotionally isolated, feeling as if no one could understand what you're experiencing. PLEASE DO NOT LET THEM SELL YOU A STORY. IF IT FEELS WRONG THEN IT IS. DO NOT LET THEM PIT YOU AGAINST PPL WHO CAN UNDERSTAND. They isolate you from your hobbies. Slowly but surely, your life shrinks as you "willingly give up the things that make you an individual unique person. Even the things you pursue at home, under their watch, they will attempt to put down. The things that give us joy and nourish our soul shape our identity. They will cut you off from them, so you eventually lose your sense of self, feeling unanchored, and become prime targets for more abuse. EVERYTHING THEY DO IS SO THE CYCLE IS NEVER BROKEN, THEY WANT UNLIMITED ACCESS TO YOU FOR WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO OFFER. KEEP IN MIND THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU..ONLY WHAT IT IS YOU CAN PROVIDE THEM WITH..RESOURCES, ATTENTION, ETC. He or she stops you from making new friends. This one is tricky bc they do not want you connecting with others. At the same time it would look bad if you didn't have people to rely on. They will use reverse psychology ( Encourage you to make friends, then sabotage your attempts) or (Manipulate you into not wanting friends, so they can be the ones to tell you to make connections). 

Tanya and Winnie didn't attend the same school anymore, because Tanya had switched to King Drew High School of Medicine and Science the year before. They were trying to spend as much time together as possible before school started. Just as the two best friends were turning to head down Ridgeley Avenue, they heard R. Kelly's "You Remind Me of Something" blasting from at least a block away. Tanya stopped and closed her eyes with a big smile on her face. Raising her sunglasses, Winnie asked in a motherly tone, "What are you doing?"Ignoring her, Tanya threw her arms up concert-style, and yelled, "Heeeeyyyyy! That's my jam!" She started singing. "You remind me of my car, I wanna ride it..." Glancing around to make sure no one was witnessing her hoochie friend, Winnie pulled her sunglasses back down and began to walk faster. A gray Altima pulled up. Tanya immediately stopped undulating and turned to bat her eyes behind her shades. Winnie sighed. Already half a block away, she lowered her shoulders and returned reluctantly to rescue her often careless friend. As she approached Tanya, the driver, a caramel brother with an athletic build sporting a curly top, beckoned to her. "Excuse me. May I speak with you?" He asked, distracting her from pulling her friend away. "You're welcome to come and speak to me if you get out of the vehicle. I don't lean in strange cars talking to guys." She replied in her very proper voice while continuing to do the "Let's Go!" eyeroll at Tanya.Tanya was focused on other things. In the reclined passenger seat rested a tall young man with chocolate skin stretched over high cheek bones. Her eyes sunk into the dimple next to his lips, and then wandered over the waves of his bald fade. His well-defined arms were folded behind his head, and she noticed a golden cross peeking through the folds of his Orlando Magic jersey. When the car first stopped, he said absolutely nothing. She found it kind of creepy. The street was empty, and there was hardly a breeze. The sound of her friend yammering in the background and her own hand rattling the plastic wrapper from her snack filled her brain. Tanya fidgeted with her ponytail as he stared. She looked down at her sandal clad foot, and quickly glanced back up struggling to maintain her gaze. After the longest awkard pause, he flashed a cocky smile under his faint Etch-a-Sketch mustache. "My name is John." he said, his tenor voice slightly raspy. "I'm Tanya." She offered hoping he would say something next. Her neck was starting to sweat. She could no longer pretend to be distracted by Winnie, who was now fully engrosed in conversation with the charming driver. "How old are you?" Tanya asked. "I'm seventeen. Is that old enough?" John responded deepening his grin.Tanya chuckled politely and answered, "I guess. Where are you guys coming from?" "We just came from playing some ball at the park. I had to stop. You're beautiful." He folded his arms in front of him and rested them in the car window. "Thank you." Tanya replied, shocked by his williningness to compliment. She glanced over at Winnie, who was now laughing hysterically and appeared to be really into the driver. "I thought you couldn't speak at first." Tanya said."I was just checking you out. So, is there a way we can keep in touch?""Well, you looked like you were undressing me with your mind, and yes, I have a phone number, but I'd prefer to take yours.""Do you promise to call.""I make no promises to strangers," said Tanya gaining confidence for a moment. She now had one hand on her hip. She tucked the tiny package of salty plums into her large purse, and waited for him to hand her the number. John pulled a receipt from the passenger door of the car, and grabbed a pen. Tanya's head became light and her stomach fluttered at the thought that she'd have to get closer. John wrote quickly, and his hand seemed a little shaky. This was the first sign of discomfort she'd noticed from him. "Take your sunglasses off." She ordered. "I want to see your eyes.""I can't see *your* eyes either." He answered. "Let's take them off at the same time." The fact that removing his glasses was a big ordeal scared Tanya. Was he hiding some sort of insecurity? She thought he may have some strange eye disorder or something. She just snatched her own glasses off revealing her medium-sized bashful brown eyes. John removed his sunglasses slowly. Tanya found herself lost in the slanted almond shaped eyes set in his flawless bone structure. The two smiled seductively. "I'll call you." Tanya said. She backed away slowly, and turned to grab Winnie. The girls walked away with their arms linked discussing their newfound acquaintances. Winnie, now in a much brighter mood, shared, "His name was Kevin." Tanya tried to tune in for the full recap, but her mind was focused on when to call John. She wanted to run in Winnie's house and call him right then. He had succeeded. She wanted to know more. Tanya called John that night. He and his mother had just returned from Bible study at Maranatha Church. He was super excited about what he had learned that night. Even though she'd noticed the cross around his neck, Tanya didn't expect this level of devotion. "Wow, you're really into church." She stated bluntly after his long monologue about finding peace from within. "Are you not?" He asked. The words swam around Tanya's head like lint making its way to the bathroom drain. She bit her lip. Her memory concentrated on the lines of his arms, the sway of his chest. An elemental hunger for his touch pushed at the inside of her teenaged pelvis, but her social awkwardness held her sometimes salacious tongue still.After brief silence, Tanya responded, "My dad is a minister." "That's not exactly what I asked you. Do you enjoy going to church? Do you get anything out of it?" "I go." Tanya answered evading the question. She sat up in her bed and turned down the KJLH that had been humming in the background. "Maybe you should come to church with me next week instead of your dad's church." John offered."I'm not sure that it would make much of a difference, but okay."TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW