#ew rotsc

The door of the largest CAT SPACESHIP opens. Rows of alien cats walking on their hind legs march down the ramp, carrying flags. COMMANDER WODEN steps out, bathed in alien light.

COMMANDER WODEN Pawlease allow me to purrsent our wise and mewognificent leader, his allmeowty, the furst of his name, the royal blue King of Cat Planet...

RINGO and the kittens all bow. The striking blue CAT KING descends the ramp, approaching the group. Dramatic lighting, regal music, it’s a big moment-

COMMANDER WODEN Cat King Buxt-

EDD sprays the CAT KING with a water bottle.

EDD Bad! Bad cat!

The alien cats hiss and spit.

EDD Very bad! Go back to your planet! Go on! Scram!

COMMANDER WODEN You can’t scare us off just with water-

EDD starts barking at them. The alien cats all bristle and scurry back up the ramp.

EDD That’s right! Run away ya scaredy cats! Go hide in your cats cradles!

COMMANDER WODEN If we’re leaving, then we’re taking our bioweapons with us! Come, bioweapons!

The ZOMBIES all look at each other.

MATT Hah! They’re my army now, they only obey me! Me, heheheheh, their king!

MATT laughs evilly.

EDD Yeah, he’s the cats meow now!

COMMANDER WODEN growls angrily.

EDD What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?

COMMANDER WODEN We’ll get you for this!

EDD Try us! There’s more than one way to skin a cat!

RINGO looks upset.

EDD Oh. Sorry. No offense.

COMMANDER WODEN If we can’t have our army, no one can!

COMMANDER WODEN holds up a button control with a lable reading "DE-ZOMBINATOR" on it. He slaps his paw down on the button, making it beep loudly. All the ZOMBIES drop to the ground, dead.

TOM Ah, who cares about all those guys. Am I right, Matt?

MATT is dead on the ground, all scrunched up and twisted. His tongue lols out and flies buzz around him.

TOM Holy Musical Batman!

EDD Matt!

EDD rounds on COMMANDER WODEN.

EDD You better leave right now!

EDD starts to march towards the ramp.

EDD This is my planet, my world! And if I see you here again...

He looks serious, dangerous.

EDD I’m going to take you to the vet!

He makes a snipping gesture with his fingers.

COMMANDER WODEN yowls and runs back into the SHIP. The door slams shut and the ramp pulls away. The SHIP wobbles up into the sky, followed by the rest of the fleet, and zips off into the stars, leaving a trail of light behind.

EDD and TOM rush to MATTS side. They cradle him in their arms.

EDD Matt, I’m sorry, I brought the aliens to Earth.

TOM And I’m sorry I... Stole all your shampoo when we used to live together. I told you it smelled bad, but I was lying. It smelled really good!

TOM and EDD sob over MATT’S decaying body. Sobs turn to gags.

EDD Eugh. Tom, I don’t want to say this but... Does Matt kind of stink?

TOM Yeah, he stinks worse than sewage, and I would know!

EDD Why would you-

TOM drops MATT’S body. SPLAT. EDD lets go of him as well and they step away, holding their noses. Above, clouds form, rumble. Rain falls. The pair are immediately soaked.

EDD I guess we have to start cleaning up the mess. Maybe we can ask help from other survivors.

TOM Nah. They all left on a bus.

EDD Oh.

EDUARDO Not all of them.

EDUARDO and MARK arrive, both in full SUITS.

EDD Not now, Eduardo. I don’t want to deal with you.

EDUARDO I’m not here to antagonise you. I’m here to help you.

MARK We know how hard it is to lose a friend. So let us offer a hand.

EDD and TOM look at each other, they smile.

EDD Thanks.

Interior - STEVE'S APARTMENT

SUPERLAD hangs his head out the window, eyes wide.

SUPERLAD Hey! Look outside, there's-

STEVE What? What could be so important-

STEVE (SuperGuy) is midway through a complex CROCHET ART. The entire apartment has CROCHET decorations.

STEVE -That you have to interrupt me? Huh? SUPERLAD ...It's just- STEVE Just what? Is it worth missing a stitch for?

SUPERLAD mumbles.

STEVE Speak up, I didn't hear you. SUPERLAD Yes you did! You always can!

STEVE takes a breath.

STEVE I'm not having this fight. Sit down, and get back to your sourdough. SUPERLAD But it's still proving!

STEVE glares at him.

SUPERLAD Fine.

SUPERLAD sighs and takes the dough out of the proving draw. He zaps it with his eyes, and it expands to full size.

Through the WINDOW, SPACESHIPS appear.

OUTSIDE - THE RUINS

CAT SPACESHIPS descend down, green light illuminating the ruined city.

RINGO Dis is all my fault. EDD No, Ringo. Don't say that. It was also Tords. RINGO Twue. But... I weally let evewyone down. EDD That's my fault. I couldn't let you do what you were doing. RINGO But it wasn't just da king and da commandew. I awso let you down. And worst of aww, myself. I shoulda wistened to my heart. EDD Well, I guess you must have, like, two of them right? That's got to be confusing. RINGO Six, actuawy. EDD Oh. Which one did you need to listen to? RINGO Usuawy it's a clawmbination of one and three, but dis time I fink my fifth heart was da wight one. EDD Why? What does it say? RINGO It says... I didn't want dis. I didn't want any of dis. Dewe was so much pwessure fwom Commandew Woden that I had to do something. Dose fat cats onwy cawed about wesults! But I don't want da power or reward fwom defeating our owdest enemy. I just wanted to stay hewe and wive a small wife, with you. EDD Oh, Ringo. You should have just told me all of this earlier. Actually, no, if you'd said anything before all this I would have freaked out. RINGO Yeah, da wast time I said anyfing I had to bwame it on Matt.

MATT gasps.

MATT So you're the one who made the shorts comment! RINGO Dey were a swutty cut, what can I say? EDD Uh. Anyway. It's too late to worry about the past, what we need to focus on is the now. Ringo.

EDD puts a hand on RINGO'S shoulder.

EDD You said you needed to listen to your, uh, fifth heart. Well I named you after one of the bravest hearts I know, Ringo Wallace. RINGO I fought my name was Ringo Wingo Prigle Tingle Fwoofy Woofy Smoochy Smooshy Baby Waby Kitty Witty Beanie Weanie Pawsie Wawsies.

MATT and TOM raise their eyebrows. EDD looks embarrassed.

EDD What? No, I've never said that! RINGO But the only other thing you call me is Stinky! EDD You're a stinky cat! RINGO And pwoud. EDD Right. But my point still stands. When the Cat King and all his soldiers come here, we can tell him...

EDD is under a spotlight, music swelling.

EDD He may take our lives... But he can never take our freedom!

EDD punches his hand in the air.

MATT I don't want him to take our lives. I only just got this second chance! TOM Yeah, I'm with Matt. He can take my life from my cold, dead hands. EDD Oh. Yeah. Fair enough. TOM I need a drink.

TOM pulls his FLASK from inside his damaged suit and lifts it so his mouth. A DROPLET falls from a HOLE in the bottom.

OUTSIDE - GRAVEYARD

Mass graves have been dug, bodies buried. A few remaining survivors have appeared to help out. EDD and TOM stand over MATT’S grave. It reads "HERE LIES MATT - "I deserved a monument!" "

EDD I can’t believe this is really happening.

TOM Yeah. It’s going to be quiet without him.

TOM raises a bottle. EDD holds out a COLA can.

TOM Here’s to you, buddy.

TOM and EDD drink. RINGO approaches, ears back.

RINGO Dis isn’t what I wanted.

EDD But this is how it is now. We have to face it and move on.

RINGO No. I can’t do dat.

RINGO pulls out a LAZER GUN, pointing it at the DUO. EDD throws his hands up, TOM looks unimpressed.

EDD Ringo, what are you doing?

RINGO What I have to.

EDD But- but what about all of the good times we had together?

RINGO Dis is da onwy way it can end.

TOM Figures.

RINGO I’m sowwy, Edd.

RINGO pulls slowly on the trigger. EDD sweats.

RINGO Miwaculous memowy gun!

RINGO shoots the MEMORY ERASING LAZER GUN! The ray bursts out from the end, wiping across the world, sweeping everything away in a fluttering glow.

TOM’S APARTMENT

EDD and TOM are sat on SOFA CHAIRS. RINGO, back to normal, is on EDD’S lap, being petted. The TV is showing the news.

REPORTER Seemingly overnight, the Zombie Plague has come to an end. All victims have been buried and a handful of survivors have been found driving a coach down the M4...

The TV shows KIM and KATYA speaking to a REPORTER, gesturing to the COACH as the MAYOR and others disembark.

EDD What do you think happened?

TOM Don’t know, don’t care. Why are we hanging out at my place anyway?

EDD My TV got broken.... Somehow.

TOM Huh. Weird.

MATT, alive, walks in. He is wearing one of TOM’S hoodies.

MATT Hi guys! He sits on the available seat.

TOM Why are you wearing my clothes? Were you going through my stuff again?

MATT No! You guys gave it to me!

TOM Not a chance in hell.

EDD Is that why you were late? You had to steal Tom’s clothes?

MATT No. I’ve been shut in a box since last night!

EDD Huh?

MATT Let me explain. As you know I’ve been making some movies lately...

MATT keeps speaking, but his words fade out.

OUTSIDE

We pan away, the APARTMENT becomes small, people wander around empty streets. Smaller... England, then the continents, Earth...

FAST-ZOOM- TOM’S APARTMENT

RINGO winks at the camera.

ESCAPE POD

EDD screams as the ESCAPE POD burns through EARTH's atmosphere. He rolls the control ball, sweating.

EDD

Easy... Easy!

An alien kitten jumps up onto the control panel and mews.

EDD

How did you get in here?

Something hits the ESCAPE POD, throwing him to the ground. Several alien kittens are milling about. He pulls himself up to look out the window.

CHIEF JAKKA is in hot pursuit, piloting another ESCAPE POD.

EDD gasps and slams his hand onto the control ball, speeding up.

EDD

Come on, come on!

A kitten jumps up onto the controls between EDD'S hands.

EDD

No, don't! You're in the way!

The kitten mews and sits down.

A screen blinks, reads "BUTTHOLE DETECTED". Goes green - bing!

The ESCAPE POD goes into overdrive!

EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE

Jets appear out the back of the ESCAPE POD, blasting fire out the back.

The flames hit CHIEF JAKKA'S ESCAPE POD, sending it flying away as EDD'S ESCAPE POD speeds towards EARTH.

ESCAPE POD

EDD screams for his life as they fall towards EARTH. We see the UK, close in on ENGLAND. The RUINS of the city come into view, bigger and bigger-

OUTSIDE - THE RUINS

The ESCAPE POD crashes! The door bursts open, EDD hanging out of it, dazed. Alien kittens crawl over him, mewling. Steam rises. Small fires flicker.

MATT and TOM rush over, climbing over rubble and debris.

TOM

Edd, I can't believe this...

He gestures furiously at the kittens.

TOM

You went kitten shopping without me!

EDD groans.

MATT pulls EDD out of the ESCAPE POD. The TRIO, united once more, carefully make their way down to a safe bit of ground. EDD looks around.

EDD

What happened while I was gone?

MATT

Tom turned into a giant monster!

TOM

Matt did nothing useful.

MATT

Hey! Not true. I saved our friendship.

EDD

That's... Nice.

MATT

What happened to your suit?

EDD

Oh. Uh. I don't know. I guess the space cats took it.

MATT takes his SUIT JACKET off and gives it to EDD, who quickly pulls it on.

TOM

How bad did you hit your head? Space Cats was a movie we made, remember? They're not real.

RINGO

(OFF SCREEN)

Dat's what you fink.

The TRIO turn.

RINGO rises up above the ESCAPE POD, glowing with alien power.

OUTSIDE - EDDUARDO's house

MARK and EDDUARDO are walking down their path towards the house, both fully suited.

MARK

We're really getting a chance to heal now that we can do our one walk a day. Don’t you feeling better?

EDDUARDO shrugs.

The RAT KING, now expanded into a huge creature, begins to crawl from a MANHOLE in the ground.

RAT KING

(TELEPATHICALLY)

Finally, I am strong enough to command all living things...

CHIEF JAKKA'S ESCAPE POD crashes into the STREET, splatting the emerging RAT KING. It bursts open, revealing the huge, hideous alien rabbit.

MARK screams in terror.

EDDUARDO flashes GREEN. With one big swing of his arm, he punches the ESCAPE POD back into the air, sending CHIEF JAKKA flying out of sight.

EDDUARDO

Huh. Yeah. You're right. I feel so much better.

MARK stares at the sky, then at him, mouth agape.

OUTSIDE - THE RUINS

RINGO'S glowing form hovers over the TRIO.

TOM

I am too sober for this.

He reaches into a hole in his SUIT and pulls out a FLASK, then swigs.

EDD

How many of those do you have?

TOM shrugs.

RINGO

You're coming with me, Edd, whether you wike it or not!

RINGO points a LAZER GUN the TRIO. They huddle together, cowering.

A TAZER CLAW shoots out and hits RINGO. RINGO drops the LAZER GUN and convulses as its electrocuted.

TORD is back in his MECH, cackling.

TORD

Finally! I can take my revenge!

EDD

Ringo!

EDD runs over, but The TAZER CLAW pulls RINGO up above the MECH.

TORD

Your bioweapons have been causing me many problems, but there is nothing a cat can do that I cannot.

RINGO

Y-you!

EDD

Wait, Tord? What's going on?

TORD

Funny. I asked the same thing the day I found out what I really am...

TORD rips off the BANDAGES. Beneath, his face is furry and striped. He bares his fangs, raising a clawed hand up.

EDD

Tord... You're a space cat?

RINGO

(ROUGH VOICE)

Psht. Half!

TOM are MATT are green in the face.

TOM

I don't even want to know how that's possible.

RINGO

Harkness' Law. I didn't wealise before, but looking at him now, da wesembwance is uncatty.

RINGO sneers

RINGO

Commander Woden aways was a xenophile.

TORD

They wouldn't accept me. My tragic backstory explains it all...