For the past few months, Hyuk has been feeling out of it.
Ever since he left his home, nowhere has really made him feel safe anymore. His apartment felt more suffocating rather than welcoming, a constant reminder of how he’s alone now, with no one to help him.
But then there’s Miran.
With Miran, it always felt right. She had this ability to make him feel like he was at home. There were nights when they would meet up and just sit side by side (or if he were lucky, they’d even cuddle) and watch movies or talk about how their week or just anything.
Miran has been the single constant in his life for the longest time. She was there when he fought with his parents back when he was still starting his music career, and she’s still there when he left his house and impulsively ran away. She was always there.
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it is late at night, and kaito is in a deep slumber when he’s awaken by the side of the bed shaking. although he is known to be a heavy sleeper, it doesn’t take long for him to wake up, his eyes shooting open before he carefully sits up in the bed. his mind clouded by sleep, it takes a short moment to realize the cause of the stir is hyosang lying next to him. his skin is covered with a sheen of sweat, lines of his face pained, his movements erratic, eyes closed. the mere sight of it sends a pang through kaito’s chest, breath catching in his throat. his eyes widen, and every trace of sleep disappears immediately. it’s not the first time he has witnessed the older having a nightmare, but it doesn’t hurt any less to see him so troubled.
when this happened for the first time, the linguist was plagued by panic, haven’t seen hyosang in such a state before. it hurt, hurt to be so helpless while his lover was in pain, fighting with whatever that was in his head. he was scared to make it worse, but he couldn’t just let it be either. it is the same thing now, and although it isn’t the first time, it is still one of the worst experiences in kaito’s life. he loves hyosang so much, and his hands are unsteady as he puts them on his partner’s shoulders and shakes, shakes him with all he has. and even if his own eyes tear up, he doesn’t notice — he just needs to wake the other up, get him out of wherever he’s stuck in. “wake up — please wake up, it’s not real, it’s not —” he pleads, and once the older’s eyes open, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
his hold weakens as he pulls back slightly, giving hyosang space as he sits up too. his eyes are full of so many emotion, so pained that kaito has to ground himself, moving so that he’s in front of him. without a moment of thought, he pulls him down to a hug, his eyes clutching the back of the thin t-shirt he’s wearing. as uncomfortable as it may be while they are still sitting down on the bed, kaito doesn’t care. he can’t even focus on anything else but the man in his arms, shaking so quietly, still trying to deal with the aftershocks. the linguist knows what happened to hyosang, he knows the mission that ended his career in the field, shaped him into someone bitter and sad. it took him a while to open up, but kaito was careful about not pressuring him too much. he did his best to be supportive, just be there when he was needed. when hyosang was ready to tell the whole story, he has listened, tears brimming in his eyes. it is truly horrible that life threw so much at hyosang, the best man kaito has ever known. hyosang is the last person to deserve such thing, not that anyone ever would. kaito doesn’t have any second doubts that it is what’s resurfacing in the man’s nightmares.
"すべてうまくいくよ。 あなたのためにいつもここにいる。"
knowing that speaking japanese calms him, that’s what he opts for, his hands rubbing his back in slow, circular motions, rocking him back and forth. he doesn’t know what to do but be there, and when he hears a muffled sentence on his shoulder, he stops immediately. although it isn’t loud, he can hear hyosang well. “i know i shouldn’t be here.”
the statement hurts him more than he can describe. he would much prefer being gutted right then and there, being shot a few times than this. anything but this. kaito knows the story of hyosang on the day of the explosion, a child clutched in his arms, one who wasn’t breathing when he woke up. he knows of the guilt that plagues hyosang to this day, the fact that he still thinks it should have been him who died. it’s something that leaves kaito breathless, the fact that hyosang genuinely believes that, thinks that it would be better if he was dead. the thought alone makes him want to cry, tears stream down his cheeks no matter how much he tries to hold it back. he knows it was hell, he can’t even fathom how awful it must be but — the universe doesn’t work like that. there are no exchanges to be made, and there is no universe where kaito will agree with hyosang. he loves him, he loves him more than he has loved anyone, this grumpy, kind-hearted man who opened up so much for him. the smiles that are for kaito alone, the genuine laughter that spills from his lips. there is nothing kaito would change — nothing at all, and he needs to get that through hyosang’s head, at least attempt to do so.
so he pulls back, gentle hands cradling hyosang’s cheeks, making him face himself. he knows he’s crying, both of them are. yet that won’t stop kaito from speaking his mind. it won’t. especially at a time like this — all that matters is hyosang, and him only. they make eye contact and kaito begins to speak quickly. “don’t you dare say that — don’t —” he chokes up, shaking his head, his thumbs attempting to clear away the tears on his lover’s face. “it’s not your fault hyosang. it’s not — it never was. it could have happened to anyone, anyone at all. and you did your best — i know you did. there was nothing else you could do.” he emphasizes those last words, his hold tightening. it’s not hard to guess what’s going on in his head, the guilt that surrounds him, threatening to pull him down.
"it doesn’t work like that, you know it. please, please — i —" his sight begins to get blurrier, and he absentmindedly wipes it all with his sleeve, before he cradles hyosang’s face again. “don’t think like that hyosang. i know you. i — i believe in you. it wasn’t your fault. it wasn’t. if you can’t believe yourself. believe in me, please.” it sounds desperate and it is. kaito is practically begging, his own heart on his sleeve as he tries not to choke up again. “i love you. i love you so much. it wasn’t your fault baby, it wasn’t.” as someone who prides himself in being great with words, he finds himself at a loss when it comes to this. because he doesn’t know. he doesn’t know how to convince the man in front of him, he doesn’t know what else he can say. he plants a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling him back to an embrace, burying his face in hyosang’s hair as he mutters. “愛してる。”
