#evilarcher

Sometimes I wonder if it would be ever possible to go back in time and rewrite history. As much as I would like to say I wouldn’t want to do it, there’s just too much that had happened which caused me so much pain I wished I could just forget how to feel anything.

But as I said when I was in that moment, everything will soon pass. There’s this question I always ask myself whenever I feel I’m on the verge of breaking down and it seems helpful because it’s a known fact especially from my standpoint now.

“Will this matter after (insert a certain period of time here)?”

At that instant, you might answer that it will and it would still hurt but do believe me, it wouldn't. Pain is something that the mind and body concocts to defend us from serious injury. It is like an alarm system built into us.

So what do we have to do then whenever we feel pain? Just like the pain that love causes us, we need to cope with it. Learn to accept facts and let things go. If pain is the result of the connivance of the mind and body, then we should start dealing with our mind first to remedy or even prevent pain.

Mind over matter. I usually say afterwards, “if you wouldn't mind then it wouldn't matter” which is generally true. Shrug that off, and as long as you don’t put deep thought into it, it will just pass through your consciousness and you could still go on with your life.

That is combating the bad side of pain.

--

  And here I am again, finding myself in the midst of people whom I barely knew. Keeping me company are two of my best of friends sharing a laugh from a back story which happened in the party where we came in and then it happened, I snapped.

Snapped from the reality of things. What am I doing with my life?

Suddenly I came to know about keen control of my senses. I feel, hear and see things no one appreciates. I became something else, something invincible. Then everyone in that moment became a blur. The world shifted and I notice too many things at once zooming each moment and saving them in memory by choice.

I noticed the stone road that we’re walking on. It’s like an old marble mountain which was carved and paved to be in its current state right now. It’s rough but not quite. I can see the veins of the rock being lined on its white to yellowish surface. Veins that looked like blood actually flowed through it. Crevices can also be seen as this path was taken by several million, no trillion if not billion steps from people passing this tourism hot spot. I suddenly realized that this rocky road, is way too literal. There’s rocks everywhere like I’m in freaking Great Wall of China! And another realization, I didn’t know where the fuck I am!

I started to panic. My heart rapidly beating like never before. I can feel it race in my chest which felt like I am running a marathon which I’m not at the moment. I’m just here, standing still watching the blur of people pass by taking notice every once in a while certain features of this place, And then I started questioning the situation, and at the same time throwing questions at myself which I can’t seem to answer.

Where am I?

Who are those two friends I’m laughing with earlier?

And where the fuck am I going?

Two things I know at the moment: one, I’m confused as hell and two, I just need to trust my instincts and keep moving forward.

As I take those steps, more blurry people came opposite of where I’m going. It almost suffocated me. I doubted for a moment that I’m going the wrong way but I noticed two things.

Further towards my direction, on the right of staircase, there’s a big old tree which doesn’t have much leaves on it except on the top part. I wanted to take a photograph, and I felt the eagerness, the need to look at this majestic sight up close. I wanted to touch the old tree and feel the air in that area. Now I felt like I’m in Baguio with the chilly wind but at the same time in California, with the bright setting of this area.  

Every step I took towards that area seemed forever to take. My legs are too heavy to lift and my feet are like being electrocuted by small needles every time it touches the ground. It’s that awkward sensation I feel yet I chose to continue on this weird path. Once again, still being creeped out by this moment and by this situation I’m in.

The first open space that we came about together with my two friends which became part of the blurry background started to narrow as I go closer to the stairs silhouette I’m seeing just below the tree I wanted to go to.

Little by little, my steps as crumbly as they may be and as hard as to take them, pushed my way to the stairs. It would seem like I have a fascination with rocks because apparently the stairs which I’m going to take is also a stone one. Am I in stone era or something? But sure so I’m not.

As I take the first step on the stairs, if felt like I lost control of gravity, which I realized no one have in the first place. If felt like I’m experiencing normal pull of gravity times 10. That’s damn-shit 10G’s.

You know the feeling of riding in a top-speed rollercoaster, if it’s one hell of a ride for you, it’s almost 2G compared to regular Earth’s 1G or gravity per say. It’s like the ground is pulling you twice as much but now, one this stairs, multiply the rollercoaster ride by 5 or the regular Earth’s gravity by 10. It’s so hard to take a step, but I’m eager to finish this stairs and get to that tree.

Step after step, I would curse and say I couldn’t go on anymore and yet I continue, occasionally bumping my shin to the corner of each step up feeling every sensation of it. Sweat dripping on my face as my surrounding swish and swirl around me. It seem impossible for me to continue on and so I prayed that I could somehow manage to be on the top most part of it. I rested for bit. Closed my eyes and started to feel my strength being restored for me. Gravity being back to its normal pull once again. Sweat dripping no more. And then I opened my eyes and there I was, taking the last step of the staircase. The tree almost in my grasp.

The air here surely feels fine, fresh and definitely relaxing. It’s not that cold nor hot to handle. It’s the typical let’s-go-to-a-picnic kind of vibe. And I’m also fascinated as to why am I still on the last step. I haven’t finished the stairs yet.

I felt scared that this moment wouldn’t last. Or that I couldn’t feel the way I feel after I took that final step. I’m weary that when I get there, to the majestic scene I noticed when I was down there in the blur, everything would change. That the beauty I once saw, wouldn’t be there anymore. I’m afraid that I was fooled and foolish enough to undergo all these hardships just to see a bad ending.

Even with all these hesitations and apprehensions, I took the last and final step. At that moment I felt victorious like I’m invincible. And then there was this bright blinding light and that was it.

  ---

I am walking on a crowded place of busy business minded people. Everyone’s minding their own thing as if no one else’s existence matters. Sad to say I’m part of this group.

So there I was pondering on things I could do to make my life better when a young boy suddenly hugged my thighs from behind.

He’s about 5 to 7 years old but really quite small and frail for his age. His hair is a little bit skimpy and is dirty as if pollution stuck to it. He got a perfect set of teeth if you remove the tartar and the discoloration that made it so stained. And his face is angelic, you could call him pretty handsome even if you would bathe him and take time to scrub off those dirt that seemed part of his skin all ready. This kind of boy with flowing tears in his eyes hugged me and said “Daddy, nakita din kita. Bakit mo ko iniwan dito?”.

Every once in a while, I find myself wanting something out of my life. Graduation. Seems in order. New gadgets. Can be attained. Christmas presents, at this time and age, yes. But nothing beats the feeling of contentment in your heart. It's not wrong to want more in your life as you go along with it. But you should take notice of what you have and enjoy life as He always wanted you to.

While sleeping, I suddenly turned around facing my left which weirdly woke me up.

The room is cold because of the open electric fan plus the cool breeze of Christmas season. What's weird at that chilly moment is that I felt colder moving my body to face left as if there's an ac working on that spot.

Even weirder, from the ample ambient light that the currenty on-standby tv, I vividly saw a silhoutte. A girl or woman, with short bob cropped hair, length like Dora's, straightly looking at me.

Her (it's) features are not that visible but another thing I noticed is that she's (it's) kneeling.

I stared at the entity for 5 heart-pumping seconds until it dawned on me all of the possibilities.

I quickly pulled the sheet over my head and slowly grabbed my phone from a small opening while I have my eyes shut. When I got my phone, I turned the flashlight app on and directed light at her (it).

Hey Stranger,

What great have we done to the world and to ourselves if we choose to forget what we want? What we really want. What do we really want anyway?

At one point in my life, I stumbled upon ‘the question’: What do you want to become when you grow up? At that very same instant, I answer as a young boy who doesn't know much about anything and who doesn't even care about something other than having fun during playtime, “I want to be a doctor”. 

As generic as it sounds, that’s quite true; at one point in my life I wanted to become a doctor. And I know it may sound too cliche but whenever I am asked why, I promptly reply, “I want to save lives.”

Isn't it ironic that for someone who knew less than adults, wanted to become someone who can accomplish much bigger feat or reason other than, “I wanna make some cash and become whoever I wanna be”. Last statement’s a fact, bear with it.

That boy, who wanted to save lives, gained some experience as he grew older and knew a little more about what life has to offer so he then changes his mind. He transitioned from the little boy with the purest of intention to save other people’s lives to this boy who aspires to become someone that would say, “I want to become an Engineer because someday, I’ll drive my fancy car along the boulevard and when I come across a good old beautiful structure I could proudly say, I made that!”. See the difference?

We all know that experience teaches us right? But what we don’t realize, when we learn something new, we throw something out as well. Think of it this way, your brain’s capability to learn is like a glass of water. When you were born, it’s completely empty but as you grow older, you adapt to your environment, you learn things, slowly the empty glass gains water and by the time you reach the brim, you’re full. The question is, does it stop there? Do you stop learning because your brain’s capacity is full? You’re right, you don’t. So what happens when you continuously pour in water to a full glass? Some of it spills, and so are your memories.

We tend to forget and that is to accept new things in our lives. Just like the boy that I was before, I forgot being righteous saving other people’s lives and completely changed to a self-centered person that I am now. But life is a continuous process, so is gaining experience and knowledge; we change every now and then because that’s human nature.

Point is, people change. What we have now is only a phase in the timeline of our lives, a small portion of it. And I know that some say, ‘live life to the fullest’ or ‘make the best out of today’, and I do believe them and we should because I know, that it will be close to impossible to become the same person you are right now as you journey in your life.

This is not a life coaching session, so is this blog. I’m just merely sharing what I have in mind right now. That is to say, I wanted to try to become the same person I was before, I guess I can be close but not quite.

Hey, thanks for reading this entry.

Reminiscing,