#everythingisforthem

December 12 

0323

I haven’t been able to write because I was hospitalized.  During the hospitalization my husband came twice and he brought my puppy (who isnt really a puppy anymore).  Since Ive been home I havent been able to rest because he thinks he needed a break because of all the running around and hours he had to work.  It makes me so upset because hes very selfish and instead of letting me get better he had to full fill his own comfort.  Do this make me selfish tho?  Should I have been running around after I got out of the hospital to make him more comfortable. I really just don’t think I love him anymore.  I really don’t and I don’t think I want to make this work.  He’s just so really selfish.  He’s way to into his video games instead of spending time with his family.  He doesn't seem to love me either.  It all just makes me so sad to have to admit I don’t love my husband.  I care about him but love isn’t there.

I was in love once.  I mean head over heels in love and sadly that love wasn’t ever with my husband, that love was with this guy from my past.  He was amazing and if he didn’t love me at least he made me feel like he did.  He was there for me through so much.  I could call him anytime.  We dated on and off for years sadly we just weren’t meant to be.  I don’t know if I will ever find anyone like him again.  We fit perfectly.  It might have been lust but it was the happiest I had been ever. He made me smile, cry and laugh.  I hated him and loved him at the same time.  He was my best friend but he’s not even in my life anymore and hes engaged.  I’m jealous of her.  He was suppose to be the guy I married. But everything happens for a reason. 

I just need to get through the holidays with him and my kids and then I need to move on.  I need someone who loves me. I need someone who will not be selfish who wants to do things as a family.  Who isn’t worried about their “me” time.  I need someone who loves romance and doesn't have so much emotional baggage.