#everyoneisbroken

My acting career has gone into free fall The commercials and bit parts have all run dry My agent isn't taking my calls anymore And residual checks when they finally arrive aren't enough to squeeze out a latte What's a has-been never was got to do to pull his sweet ass out of turnaround? Now, I've heard of a place where a man can relax schmooze with the bigwigs make some blockbuster Hollywood deals No, there ain't no acting class with this kind of juice This ain't no casting director workshop I'm going to willingly hand in my Screen Actors Guild Card for a brand new career as an A.A. Superstar After a brief stint in rehab with Lindsay Lohan I'm guest speaker at a Beverly Hills meeting Look, Sir Anthony Hopkins Over there, it's Tim Allen After the meeting at the Rock 'n Roll Denny's Christian Slater asks to buy me a coffee I hear even Downy, Jr. knows who I am Looks like I finally made it as a big fish in a champagne filled bathtub Look at me now, Ma I'm an A.A. Superstar I hear it's never to late to sleep my way to the middle So I starfuck my way down the D list I've done one of the original MTV veejays and a chick from "Designing Women" There was that time in the bathroom with that woman from "Star Trek" and a night bumpin' uglies with Charo Now, that may not sound like a whole bunch o' fun but them's the perks of the job as an A.A. Superstar Now I'm working the circuit and selling my tapes for $3.99 a pop Everyone on the west coast can recite from memory every salacious detail of my story It does break my heart that I'll never play Hamlet but I'll never need to set my sights high as an A.A. Superstar

Susie had such tired eyes from all the shit she’d seen people she loved more than life itself dying in confusion and pain after living in misery and the others, the scumbags and assholes lording it over her, all her goddamn life relishing their pathetic little taste of power rubbing her nose in the shit the shit we all lived in Sometimes she wondered how much heartbreak one person was supposed to see before her eyes were allowed to close for the final time Susie’s eyes had been blue blue as the ocean blue as the veins of a junkie when she watched Jaimie overdose and die his eyes rolling back into his sad and beautiful head and she knew, as it happened that she would always miss his broken teeth and drunken lizard smile but also the way his fat, leathery arms would wrap around her at night giving her security and safety or, at least, a plausible illusion of it Those same eyes of hers had looked green green as the hills of her childhood green as the money she sold herself for when she said goodbye to her daughter telling her she’d see her very soon but knowing full well she’d never see her again that her daughter would grow up hating and cursing Susie’s name never even knowing if she was alive or dead and that this was the most merciful gift that Susie could ever give her And Susie’s eyes were red red as the sunrise red as a knife wound when she walked out on Vincent leaving him high and dry without a penny or a dream in the middle of the night Vincent had been the sweetest, most decent man that she’d ever met in her life but he’d enough money in his wallet to buy a month’s worth of oblivion and that was worth more than any kindness Susie had such tired eyes from all the wasted tears she’d cried for all the men that beat her to a pulp and the ones who fucked her and tossed her away without ever bothering to ever ask her name for the filth who pimped her out and for the soulless son-of-a-bitch who talked her into shoving a needle in her arm that sultry summer evening some thirty-seven years ago now She often wondered if things would be better if she just ripped her eyes, out of her skull and tossed them in the gutter but she knew, she’d still have to hear it still have to smell it still have to feel it so she might as well look at it too

If I feel your hand on my ass, bro one more goddamn time I’m going to lose my shit That may be how they do things in prison but I’m a little boy from the suburbs and I feel I need to tell you I like my sweet lovin’ with a little less five o'clock shadow Now don’t get me wrong When you tell me, “You got one sexy ass,   boy,” it’s flattering as hell My self esteem’s at an all time low and I can use all the compliments I can get The problem as I see it is that you’re so fucking tall and you’ve got it firmly in your head that I’m more than a pretty painting to be admired from afar I’m your plaything which might not be so daunting if it wasn’t so apparent that you liked your play very rough, indeed Now they told me when I came here that I would learn new things Though I never expected my horizons to be broadened in such an indelicate fashion it’s not that you’re a man it’s just that freakaphilia has never been my style

My family sits across the long table With shell-shocked trepidation they push over their presents for me I don't deserve this, you know? Any of this Not the presents Not my family here taking time from their day to spend it with me How well I remember Christmas last year Shooting dope in my mother's bathroom I pulled out the needle before I'd loosened the tie showering the room with the spray of my blood Oh, the lies that I told to explain that But I could tell from the stony looks on their weary faces that they knew I was a liar through and through That even at Christmas their belief was not a gift they could afford to give away My mother and father hand over a card Inside they've inscribed "You are still our son." Mom and Dad I love you so fucking much How, in God's name has it turned out this way Two Christmases past I was pleased with myself and the expensive gifts I had to bring the whole clan But three nights before I was mugged in the street and the small wad of cash I had saved to buy dope was used to soften the sickness of another So, really what choice did I have? Except to pawn the whole lot and show up at the door with nothing but my miserable self They're not allowed to hug me or touch me at all and I've never needed the feel of their warmth like I need it now But as they walk out the door and turn for goodbye against their better judgment I can see in their eyes the faint glimmer of hope that things will be different things will be better next Christmas

Welcome, my friend, and come on in to the rehab of your dreams. You're going to love it here. We've lined up the heavy hitters, ripe for your schmoozing pleasure: the likes of which have never before been gathered together in the recreation/smoking area of one narcotics recovery facility. Let me introduce you to the hot, young movie star, fresh from his televised hit, screaming racial epithets while being shoved in a black and white and a command performance in front of Judge Ito (remember him?) in courtroom number 65B. He's rumored to be straight and rumored to be gay, so I'd lock your door at night just to be safe. Now here's our washed up rock star, milking that one hit he had, what, thirty years ago, now? You can see from his smile he's not unhappy to be here. He hasn't had press this good since he married that 15-year-old girl. As soon as he gets out of here, he's putting the band back together and working the county fair circuit. Don't forget the talentless debutante, who's famous for being famous. If you're lucky, she'll give you a blowjob, which I’d love to tell you is the one thing she's good at but we haven't discovered her forte yet. We know it's not staying sober. This is her sixth try here and... whoops, she's out the door again. As you can see, you'll make some great connections here. All the big guns have been here. Directors, writers, agents too. Unless I miss my guess, I'd say Charlie Sheen should be due back any day now. If you work really hard and mouth all the right words, we might let you host Saturday Night Live.

Don't fuck any of the women that is the very first thing you said to me as I walked through the door You forgot to mention that is was also a pretty good idea not to fuck any of the men Not that I would under normal circumstances but I'm incredibly bored and I've got to find SOMETHING to do with my time Heedless of the danger couples are pairing up like animals desperately mating on Noah's ark Why would anyone, want anyone here? unless the thought of dating someone whose life was a smoking ruin crushed into tiny, worthless pieces around their feet was enough to get you totally hot Take a long, hard look at the deep lines in my tired face See the terror and confusion in my eyes? You really want a piece of this? The wheels have fallen off this cart already I'm the wreckage lying in the ditch Even if I wanted to I doubt I could get it up So if you absolutely positively categorically must get laid Take a good look around somewhere on earth you've got to be able to find a less pathetic dating pool than this

Come Meet Max

Barry gave me Leonard Cohen and cried real, silly tears living “Famous Blue Raincoat” in suspended animation. On a rainy day in February, Barry put a gun in his mouth and expunged his sweetness from the story forever. Gideon like to slap my back and butt my chest with his and was there to burst my bubble when it began to float away. On a Tuesday in November, he checked out of his hotel with a ring for his fiancé and a needle in his arm. James kept me entertained with wry, elliptical mysteries that he would weave like webs just to prove that he could. On this Memorial Day past, they found my gentle friend in the dream home he’d just bought and a pool of his own vomit. We could mark a silent moment for Gideon and James and Barry and for Lydia and Larry, for Damian and Dru, for Tobias and Billy and Sue, faithful martyrs all to the gods of need and nightmare. No one tells you but it’s true but there will be many others too. So if you’re among the lucky few to lay down the lighter, the syringe and the spoon you will live out your days watching people die.