#ethelo

so i did some majorly shitty things when i was in the ham rpc, a lot of which was brought up in the most recent addition to the call out about kaylee ( which is here if you haven’t seen the addition or even the whole thing ). i was in group chats where a lot of shit talking took place and i took part in it. i helped in making the call out written back in december into a joke that was ultimately dismissed. when kaylee delivered that ultimatum to someone who was a friend of us both at the time, i completely took kaylee’s side and dropped that friend. at the time, i thought we were completely in the right. i know now that we weren’t and i want to apologize to the person who wrote that first call out ( who i won’t name because i don’t know if they’d want me to ) because my reaction to it and the behavior i took part in was just. fucking gross as hell. i’d also like to apologize to the person who kaylee, roo, and i originally talked shit about ----- i’ve done it in private already, but again i am so so sorry. i really hope you see this post.

that wasn’t the only drama i was involved in during my time in the ham rpc. far from it. there was a situation, completely separate from the one above, where kaylee and i talked shit about another hamilton rper, first in private and then in a gc that had a few of her friends in it. you’d think she and i would’ve learned from last time, but. nope. the person we talked shit about was em ( @lionwept ) and though i’ve already apologized to you in private, i’d like to apologize publicly. what i did was incredibly shitty and i feel horrible about it. also, i’d like to apologize to val ( @writingheiress ) and chai ( @whosmiled ), because you two were and still are close friends with em and i hurt both of you in this situation too. regardless of the fact that i was just following kaylee and allowing her opinions to influence mine, it was fucking disgusting behavior on my part.

and there are other, more minor things that happened too and i feel horrible about them all. i hurt people i didn’t even know and lost friends because i allowed myself to be negatively influenced by kaylee and her behavior. a lot of the time, i thought she was in the right. even when i didn’t, i pushed my misgivings aside and allowed myself to be convinced that she was. i realize now she rarely, if ever, actually was. i don’t know what blogs the other people involved in these situations have now and i don’t know if they’ll even see this. but if they do ----- alixander / sam ( i don’t know which name you prefer ), bee, eli, andie. i am so immensely sorry for the hurt i probably caused you guys ( and that’s the worst part about these more minor things ----- i’m not even entirely sure what to be apologizing for ).

now, i don’t want to excuse any of my behavior. it was terrible. and even though i was 15 when all of this happened and did a lot of it simply in an effort to stay on kaylee’s good side, i need to take full responsibility for my actions. i know words will never be fully adequate and i wouldn’t blame anyone who doesn’t want to hear my apologies.

( side-note: i’d like to thank val, chai, and another friend of ours for talking about this whole situation with me earlier today and also chloe for offering me some advice on writing this post. )

this is all i have to say right now.

         ‘    i guarantee you, that by the end of the summer season you’ll be a better fencer than i ever was.  it takes time, and concentration, but you’re getting the hang of it.    ’