#esteban.

Oh god why am I hesitating showing him this? Is it because I'm horribly ashamed of the last entry? Of feeling a tiny bit jealous?

I'm so afraid it will change things. That maybe he won't be himself around me anymore or will back away.

But we swore total honesty to eachother, so if it changes things then maybe it should?

He's not interested anyway, why am I even worried. It's not like a not-interested person is gonna get even less interested.

I'm really not making this any better on myself if I am just gonna show him after all this blather.

Fuuuck. Quick like a bandaid.

I showed Ramona everything and passed out from exhaustion. She accepted me. Still getting used to that. Letting people in to this extent is fucking terrifying, but it went well.

Wow. It's been 2 years, more or less, since I wrote in this notebook's beautiful pages and I've come to have a whole new appreciation for how lovely it is. The man who gifted it to me so long ago died yesterday. Had to think about that for a moment. Was it really only yesterday?

Reading the only entry I put in here that long ago, that was kind of a mindfuck. I had so much less to worry about back then. But I was still struggling with being afraid of myself and my potential. Still so afraid of it. I need to knock that off, make sure I can do good things. So much to atone for. So many paths left to blaze. So much to get better at.

"You can only do so many projects before you die".

West City is calling. Only a few weeks away now.

Need to finish this project. Prove to everyone I can go it alone. Prove it to myself. One woman team.

Ramona and Esteban. So many feelings. God I hope we stay together and don't damage this rare, precious thing that we have found in eachother. So worried about not doing this perfectly.

Especially since I have feelings for both of them. Especially Esteban (possibly from seeing him so often - Ramona is still a country away). Capital F feelings. Not that trying to fall for whoever is there and close to me. God damn me. That is the dumbest thing. I hope it's not simply because he and I could NOT be together, but I don't think that's the reason. The kinship is too strong. It is with Ramona too. They're quickly becoming some of my best friends. We completely understand eachother.

Fuck.

FUCK.

Stop that. Not fair to me, not fair to Ramona, not fair to Esteban.

He holds me close and tells me he'd follow me anywhere. Chides himself for saying that.

He cuddles up to me and tells me I was the deciding factor in his going to West City.

He goes to another girl's house afterward.

Stupid, stupid. Jealousy is the dumbest emotion.

I get poetry from a bisexual magician while we're out. I read it outloud because it seems so pretentious.

After getting rejected by Esteban again, I go out with the magician. In spite maybe? Out of loneliness? Insecurity? All of these maybe? Or something entirely different?

I don't know my own heart on this one.

Two days ago, the hipster tells me he can't be with anyone right now. Stresses that fact. I tell him I understand and I'm not looking to be with anyone either.

The next day, he's with someone else.

Always second place girl. Such a stupid thing to think since I can't be with anyone right now anyway. Why do I even care?

Meeting with my co-founder today. Kind of feel weirdly pushed out of my own org considering how much blood, sweat and tears I put in to starting it but I understand. I broke down. I freaked out. I bailed and left her holding the ball and I have no one to blame but myself. But I talked to Ramona about starting a West City version of it and she's down... Even says she has contacts that would help us start. If my co-founder is game, I think we could do so much good out in West City.

Talked with Esteban after Ramona told me he was "Being Esteban". That tends to mean withdrawing and stressing out, which is the worst combo of things because it's this nasty loop of stress -> withdraw -> stress more about it -> withdraw further, ect. I told him he's saving me by going out there too. He said he's not used to being the person who impacts others, and that it meant a lot. And that we really needed to see eachother soon, for both our sakes. True story bro. I'm so glad he's starting to get it.

I love our little total honesty triumverate.

Reading through this notebook causes so many mixed feelings. Such a tumultuous time. I feel as though I was doing better before coming to North City. I am all over the place here, clinging to my project and journals because I don't have much else. I have to empty my feelings, good and bad, in to them. Then, ideally, if it becomes what I do when I'm feeling like this, it won't matter how alone I am. I feel like I used to back before I discovered this art. I'm really feeling the weight of all of my actions ever. I need to be more careful of who I get close to and how many people I let in. I just need to make cool things to express myself instead of trying to form friendships. Maybe one or two intense ones, a lover, and my work.

Some memories that seem important now:

- Victor telling me at an event I hosted telling me I must choose eventually between doing and teaching. He chose teaching and I can't stop feeling this loneliness from him. A person's default facial expression can say so much about them.

- Jenny telling me that I could just become whoever I wanted to be and that she envied me for it.

This notebook feels a lot like me right now - beat up with pages falling out, barely being held together. Is it just my fate to undergo a rebirth by force every few years? What does that mean? Who am I?

I felt like I was getting close to answers before.

Steve telling my brother that East City was looking for a reason to dislike me.

Ramona and Esteban saying that I'm a good person.

Which is more right - my idea of myself or other people's idea of me?

Which one matters more?

I kind of want to tell someone *everything*.

As it stands, not a single person alive knows me.

I feel like such a shitty person. I feel terrible for wanting to survive.

Who could stand to know me?