#essenia

hi there im stuck

Hey. It's me. I came back. I know, I'm sorry. The last post was in January. Wait, that rhymed. lol I suddenly had the urge to write and rant after weeks of not knowing what to write about.

A lot of shit happened. My life has been eventful these past few weeks - which has never happened, like ever. It was exhausting, to say the least. This is a life update, so you're gonna read a lot of I's in this post but I'm not egocentric okay? I just feel like making chika and these two chikas are the highlight of my 2021 for now. 😂

First, a dear friend is getting married. I'm not gonna say who cause it's not my place, but I love her to death. And I'm so excited. She told me last January. Honestly, I'm super happy for her, I want to cry. Chars, ako ang ina? lol This makes me think that I'm getting older. I feel like I'm already super old. I can't believe a friend is getting married, although a lot of my acquaintances already have families of their own. I'm not at that stage yet. It's not a priority for me at the moment. I kind of envy people who marry at a young age. I, too, wanted to get married young. My friends know. I want, I just can't. For some reason. I'm not satisfied with how I'm living at the moment, I want to explore the world more, I want to excel more in things that I'm good at, I want to experience things that are outside my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not judging people who marry young, I envy them, I get so kilig when I see young couples. Like hays, I want that too but I'm scared that if I marry young I'll be too focused as a wife, I'm scared I'll enjoy being a wife, I'm scared I'll forget to be me and just be a wife. I just feel like I do not know myself fully and if I don't do the things I want to do before getting married I'll just end up regretting it and regretting getting married at the same time. And that would be unfair for the other person. Do you gals get me? Or am I just being weird? Anyways, happy for all young couples out there, for now, taga SANA ALL muna ako. I keep thinking, I was always right on time, up until college. I slowed down. Now, I just want to savor the moment, I don't want to be too fast or too slow in life. I just want to get to the ending completely happy and satisfied and without regrets. (I'm not saying that people who get married young are not satisfied and have regrets, nope, I'm not saying that. Some people might twist my words. So unahan ko na kayo. I'm talking about myself, not other people. Uki? 😝) To my prend, I'm so happy for you. You're the first to get married!!! I wish you eternal happiness and a lot of babies. My heart is at peace knowing you already found the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with and you're never going to be lonely. I've heard that there's a lot of ups and downs in marriage but know that I'll be one of the people praying and rooting for you guys and your marriage. Ayieee. Kainis, sana all. You guys have been through a lot, and this is it. Marriage - what all those experiences prepared you for. I am so honored I get to experience this with you, to see you get married. And I promise, I'll save my tears for the church wedding. (Kaarte ko😂) I love you!

Next up on my little life update is scented candles. I got interested in scented candles and started planning this last year actually. I was skeptical because duh we're in the middle of a pandemic, who would buy candles? But still, I took the risk and opened my own business, if you can call it that. I launched a scented candle line. It was not easy, definitely not. There was a lot of roadblocks, twist and turns, delays and stuff. Oh, and I almost got scammed. It was exhausting, but I tried, I really tried hard. The research, communicating with the suppliers, marketing and all that jazz - I did all that by myself. I was exhausted but I had fun, I felt like a literal adult. Some of my candles were displayed at my Uncle's store. What I liked most about the candles - they're not perishable goods. Like they don't have to be bought right away. They can just sit at the store and wait for the rightful owner. lol I already have a few ideas for my 2nd launch, but it's not definite yet. One thing's for sure, I want it to be personally made by me. I want my 2nd collection to be handcrafted by me. I'm still at the research stage and I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I like nitpicking details so the planning will probably take months but I'm for sure launching it before the year ends.

Last, but not the least, I'm working on my temper and just myself in general. I read somewhere that yoga helps, so I tried it. I like how it keeps me calm. Here's a little fact about me, I used to just do and say whatever I want before, I did not care whether or not the other person is gonna be hurt because I wanted to be treated like that too, that was my main problem. I was okay with that, but other people were not. So now I take a deep breath first whenever I feel angry, annoyed, happy and sad before making a decision and before saying something. I notice the progress, and I'm proud of who I'm becoming at the moment although I'm still not sure about who I am. lol My life's super fucking messy at the moment, I'm walking on eggshells and holding my breath. I still have bad days where I just don't want to talk to people and what I want is to literally just breathe. Yoga helps me do that. It helps me breathe and be calm and centered and be at peace so I'm gonna continue doing it. Hopefully, yoga can continue to help me be a better version of myself. What? lol basta yun na yun.