#essay 2

How did you find writing Tony Stark? Remarkably enough, for a character I often find myself frustrated by, I really enjoy writing Tony. He’s fun - his glib way of talking, often using more words than necessary to talk around whatever he’s trying to get at, and at the same time terrifically blunt - is in a weird way kind of adjacent to Loki. They both tend to circumlocute, but in very different ways.At this point in the series it’s especially fun - developing Tony’s relationship with the idea of Steve/Loki from here to...where it is at the current point was something I enjoyed doing, even if it largely happened “off screen.”But this iteration of Tony has a better sense of what’s going on (in some ways) than Steve does, because from an outside perspective he’s not dealing with the level of denial that Steve feels.  What was your motivation for the ending of The sun no longer shines (on your side)? At this point I was coming to (what I planned to be) the end of the main series. I’d been having Loki and Steve circle each other, Loki moving in and out as he pleased and walking a fine line without ever committing to anything, even as he and Steve get more and more tangled together. I actually knew that once I introduced Doom in “Tick Tick Time” that I was going to use him for...this, basically. When Loki is scared - when Loki is freaking out especially about the prospect of emotions - he tends to run in the other direction. If I wanted to get them somewhere, I needed to force Loki to stop running.In retrospect, there’s a kind of neatness to the fact that Loki and Steve’s relationship started with Loki crash landing in the Tower, and here it comes to a crossroads in the same way. Why I chose to end the fic there - I think it had to do with the fact that this fic was a specific arc and I knew that I had a whole other arc that it was moving onto. “The sun no longer shines (on your side)” was about bringing them together and forcing both of them to confront that this Thing they’ve been doing isn’t just a passing fad. The next fic (that I wrote, not chronologically), “with an untrained voice” (and here I am looking ahead), was about closing the circle. I do this a lot throughout the series - writing a specific story and then, rather than adding another chapter, having a separate fic that deals with the aftermath and repercussions. For some reason, I feel a need to separate those things. - Here at the beginning of ‘its only a paper moon’, we find ourselves with a face full of Tony Stark; how else can one describe the man? Tony’s...Tony-ness is often difficult to pin down but the author has enough of his cadence and flavor for succinct verbosity that you can hear Downey’s voice when you actively read the first scene of ‘its only a paper moon’. A treat, to be sure, and its Tony who asks the questions that’s been on the readers’ minds, namely, “What’s the deal with you and Loki?”. Its something of a thesis statement. “He raised a hand and crooked a finger, beckoning Steve. He didn’t really think about taking a step forward, but he took two toward Loki before he stopped, maybe a foot between them. He laughed, a little nervously.” 

Loki’s bordering on erotic pear eating might be on Steve’s mind, calling back to the first time he thought of Loki in a romantic light. Here, the tension ramps up despite Steve’s nerves. Loki offers his hand, and Steve takes it, marking the beginning of whatever the hell its is that Steve and Loki become at this point, at least in Steve’s mind.

“He pushed the rest of the way down, smashing his lips to Loki’s with enthusiasm if not skill, and it felt right.” 

Here’s Steve’s instincts again, which he’s relied on heavily in regards to his interactions with Loki up to this point. Tony discerned it before it happened, but now there is no turning back. He kisses Loki and is ensnared, whether he likes it or not. “Dangerous, whispered a faint voice at the back of Steve’s mind, but most of him thrilled to it, his heart pounding against his ribs.” Steve’s mind is full of what Loki can be, can do, his fantasies of a trust in him that Steve’s instincts nearly begged for. Of course, everything isn’t as it seems. “He reached down, fingers wrapping around Steve’s cock, and squeezed so Steve arched up with a shout-And lurched into consciousness with his cock rock hard and his pulse pounding, for a moment still groping after a dream before he registered what was going on. Dreaming. He’d been dreaming, but it’d been so vivid-” Not a truth, then, just a fiction. A dream. But what an incredible way to set up Steve’s attractions, to make clear just what it is his mind and body wants with Loki. Writing it off as a product of Tony’s words, Steve gives in anyways, surely thinking of Loki the whole way through his release.Tick Tick Time is the longest installment thus far, clocking in at almost 12k words. We get straight to it; the team has found out about Loki. This dates back to the installment before ‘its only a paper moon’, which was ‘the fog won’t lift in your town’. We find ourselves in the middle of an Avengers meeting, which definitely doesn’t go great, but could certainly be worse, at least from Steve’s point of view. Someone like Clint, on the other hand, might think this is more disastrous than any other present.   Onto Steve, alone in his room, pondering over everything from Loki’s nature, to his likeness spilled out over his sketching paper. He’s turned around by Loki having saved him. The implication of the thing trails into his dreams...or is Loki truly visiting him in his dreams? The reader wonders, and hopes. Loki is getting under Steve’s skin in such a way that he is left fretting over where Loki might be, if he is alright. For a month, this happens, and even someone of peak physical and mental stability (though the latter could be argued) might be driven in circles worrying. Of course, Loki appears again. Steve immediately asks where he’s been. The previous month of mixed up emotions has clearly gotten to him, and Loki, in his way, is surprised. The slow burn continues. Each sentence leaves little bread crumbs, little markers of subtle increases of care and concern they have for one another. The characters themselves are completely oblivious, but a well minded reader who’s in it for the romance will certainly pick up on it. Again, however, the conversation comes back around to whether or not Loki might change his ways, change his modus operandi and make up for his ill made decisions. It's a common theme, to be sure, but in this context it is electric: ‘“They didn’t like it,” he said, “But yes, they accepted it.” He took a deep breath and then added, slowly, “If you gave them a chance to…” “To what,” Loki said, unmistakably amused. “To glimpse my better nature?” Steve pressed his lips together, feeling a prickle of frustration at the note in Loki’s voice. “You don’t need to make it sound as though the idea is so absurd. You’ve proven to me-” “What have I proven to you?” Loki’s voice was suddenly quite sharp and he sat straight up. “What, other than my ability to carry on a civilized conversation? You attribute too much to a whim born of simple boredom.” “Why are you so quick to tell me that I’m wrong?” Steve asked, the twinge of irritation becoming more definite. “It’s like you want me to assume the worst.” Loki’s laugh was bright and sharp. “Hardly! I merely have little interest in hearing you grasp at straws to maintain your absurd hope that I will someday realize my sins and repent, casting myself on the mercy of such heroes as yourself.”’

The topic dies down, but the heat doesn’t. It’s becoming more clear that there is an underlying thread here. ‘Loki raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side. “You don’t like me turning up in your bed unannounced?”Steve had spent enough time with Tony to catch that one, and refused to acknowledge the warm flush he could feel spreading on his face.’ They set up a coffee date, and the ensuing conversation to get Loki to stay is met with that epithet again, ‘my good captain’. Steve seems somewhat taken with it, but he seems somewhat taken with Loki in general, so no surprise there. Loki proposes a half an hour, where Steve can ask what he wishes and he’ll get an answer. Its a kind of trope that’s found throughout literature. And, it’s a means to maybe suss out some things about Loki. It goes on not quite as expected, as Steve asks more mundane questions than exciting ones, at least in Loki’s estimation. Natasha is the chosen envoy, or seems to be, the next day. The Avengers will tolerate Loki’s interactions with Steve “for now”. As Steve and Loki meet for their coffee ‘date’, the nuances of their responses to one another are clear in the narrative. And, all the more intriguing. Loki was present, again, at another Avengers battle and while Steve is initially irritated, Loki points out what a disaster it would be had Loki revealed himself. Steve’s preoccupation with...well, rehabilitating Loki is as endearing as it is maddening. Likely, Loki would agree. Nevertheless, it is a hope Steve can’t help but hold out for, at least at this stage in the game. Remember, the series at this point was meant to be winding down. Such a huge shift in characterization would require more time, and so this joint coffee excursion halts Steve’s thoughts of turning Loki at least less morally questionable.The trust has built up enough to allow Steve to be more comfortable opening up. He admits he wants to talk to Loki, and goes on to talk about himself in pre-serum terms. Loki makes it about himself, missing the fact (or choosing to ignore, maybe) that Steve was not proselytizing and talks entirely too much about how is is what he is. It’s almost a tell, this penchant for driving home the base opinion of him.

A story for a story, Loki says, and offers one of retribution, again going back to what a terrible creature he must be. Is he pushing Steve’s buttons? Is he genuinely trying to make a point, here? The sympathetic reader might feel their heart twist in their chest, but ultimately its likely a test. How long until the good captain breaks character and gives up on him?Steve is awfully upset by the story, but he sidesteps his initial reactions to ask himself a very important question; Why tell me this? Steve sees through Loki straight away, seems to know Loki must’ve been baiting him. After a silence, Loki clearly marvels at Steve, and not for the first time either. It’s a wistful thought for him, the idea that Steve may have done some good on Asgard had he been Aesir, and Steve is understandably thoughtful at the notion. Our final scene in Tick Tick Time cuts right to the chase. Loki has come to warn Steve of literal impending Doom. The argument that follows is a back and forth and ups the ante emotionally. Steve, being Steve, can’t understand why Loki would take up with Doom, come to tell him of Doom’s plans, and still not think of himself positively. In short order the argument provides us with some glimpses into what Loki has been doing, which will start to further unfold for us soon. Steve is left with a sense of failure, and we are left to wonder where this twist will take us next.