#esotericdescent .

@esotericdescent : “ We’re a team, aren’t we? Teams stick together. Even when the leader is being a prick.” jesper to inej

🗡 Inej always joked that she had learned to manage her expectations when it came to the arrangements in Jesper's room and all that could be found within it. They all knew to expect the unexpected, because he stored all sorts of trinkets. He had it all, from collections of ridiculous, multicoloured hats to stolen pots for plants he never grew to the tiniest of glittering pins for his vests.

Anything was expected be found in this room.

Anything but a crying boy.

Inej had only caught but a sliver of Jesper's argument with Kaz after returning to the Slat, but before she could make sense of the situation, they had both already turned away. Then there was the sound of thudding footsteps up the stairs, followed by a door getting slammed shut only to creak open again.

It had been the third sound, however, that made her stop in her tracks, just before she could reach her own room.

Weeping.

Not an unfamiliar sort of noise in the slightest but still so, so rare.

Before she knew it, Inej had gravitated towards that door, still ajar, but did not try to peer into Jesper's room.

Out of sheer habit, Inej's focus shifted from the sight of this unlocked door to her knowledge of the wide window that Jesper usually left open to the fact that if she chose to slip into his room, he would not hear her coming.

And then the sobbing quietened and she was back in her own consciensce and terribly ashamed.

This was no target, no careless merchant inviting her in to have his secrets stolen. This was Jesper, and she would only offer him her presence if he allowed it first.

So Inej raised a hand and reached out towards his door, asking for that acceptance with no more than three gentle knocks.

-

For a few minutes, Jesper wouldn't speak, wouldn't look at her, so Inej kept a respectful distance and a steady focus on the empty and partially cracked flower pot on his windowsill.

She felt the most pressing urge to buy him some flower seeds, only to then realize that no such thing could take root within the ruthless cold of Ketterdam and survive under the grey of its sky.

She heard Jesper sniffle, tried to remember if she had ever seen him cry before. Did it even matter? She knew that his feelings had been as such for a while now and still she could do nothing to free him from his anguish. A few visible tears would not change that, for it was a sort of anguish that they shared and she, too, remained entrapped by it. So she waited.

His reply came, as it often did, through an understatement as phrased through a surprisingly touching and, admittedly, quite funny joke; a subtle sign that he was ready for her to finally look at him.

Since he had been seated at the edge of his mattress when she had come in, Inej had also sat on the floor, right next to the door that she had properly shut; but now she scooted closer, close enough for her knee to brush against his.

Silence settled. Their eyes met.

"There are moments when I wish I could resent him more so I could dishearten you less."

In that moment, she thought she caught another glimpse of a tear glistening upon his cheek, and her heart ached.

But this was already too much vulnerability for them both to handle so quickly. So Inej tried to balance things out with a joke of her own, just as she reached a hesitant hand out to hold onto his.

"Let me steal you away," she said with a gentle smile. "I'll carry you across the rooftops so the stars themselves can see just how wonderful you are. I'll take you with me everywhere."

She squeezed his hand, her thumb rubbing circles over his knuckles.

"And then you'll start moving too much and I'll probably drop you and we'll fall together. We'll end up in some Barrel alleyway with broken arms and dislocated shoulders. And even though we'll both be careless pricks, shattered and bruised and stubborn to no end, we'll still be a team."

Her smile faded and was soon replaced by a certain bitter emphasis in her eyes.

"The injury will vary every time, Jesper, but even if I'm hurting alongside you, you will never owe me your pain. You do not owe anyone your pain. And if it gets too much. . . you have every right to walk away. For I would much rather see you unharmed from a distance than settle for the comfort of your company as we both suffer."

@esotericdescent : “ You have all the answers right in front of you. You just need to look at it differently. ” kaz to inej

🗡 Kaz Brekker was a caricature of death, at most, and the fact that his company could be somewhat pleasant if his mood willed it was the most horrible of revelations to have.

One final challenge for tonight, Wraith, he'd said.

And now they were both sitting quietly on the wooden floor of his office, disheveled and drained after a long day of training, the window still open despite the flickering flames in the fireplace; because apparently, Kaz only allowed himself to accept warmth when there was still a guaranteed reminder of cold, sharp enough to prevent him from letting his guard down.

After hours of memorizing Kerch words and Kerch names, both while learning how to block an attack with only one arm, Inej now had to be taught the rules of a certain card game, just so she would be able to spot a 'cheating pigeon' at the tables of the Crow Club in case she happened to be around.

She tried to feel mostly irritated, for this was not part of her job. She was a collector of secrets, a spy, a shadow in motion, not a bruiser or a bouncer, and she could not care less about what the Kerch Shevrati did for financial gain disguised as reckless fun.

She did try to appear inconvenienced. With each one of Kaz's repetitive attempts to list the names of the cards, she rolled her eyes, sent a questioning glare his way at every mention of unnecessary details on the logistics of the game. This was unneeded. This was not part of what she had been hired to do. And yet.

They sat just one arm's length away from each other; She, cross-legged and leaning over the deck of cards that had been spread before them. He, sharp-eyed and quiet with the slightest hint of amusement in his smirk. Two mugs were still there beside the cards, half-filled with lukewarm, too-bitter tea, mostly forgotten in the grand scheme of things.

This was a quiet moment of shared proximity, however distant it still remained. Inej felt her hear racing, tried to tell herself it was because of her rushed need to get the rules of the game right.

Every few minutes she flexed her left hand, glancing at the bruises that had bloomed across her knuckles after she had punched a member of the Dregs that had scooted up to her and asked for a cuddle; because this was the way things worked in the Barrel; if you tried to get more of a reward than what you're worth, you'd also get more of a punishment than what you deserve.

In her attempts to keep her mind away from the focused persistence of Kaz's gaze, Inej had already gone on a rant about the endless cruelties that she had studied in the Barrel, the everlasting immorality found in every Kerch man that set foot on those streets, and wondered out loud about the potential ways with which to deal with them.

"Is it better to act upon their weaknesses before they even know their truths have been revealed?" she asked. "Is it better to wait for the right moment or to use each piece of information as soon as you've earned it so that no time is wasted?"

For a moment, there was no answer.

Having transferred three of the cards that she had been holding from her bruised hand to the empty space on the floor in front of her, Inej tried to focus on each symbol, each figure depicted on them.

On the first card there was the picture of a pilgrim, lowered to his knees, hands clasped as if he was begging up to some higher force.

Next were two identical silhouettes, both holding a hand up to keep each other's mouths shut, forever sealed in silence.

Finally, there was an executioner. Faceless and draped in shadow and looming over the dead body of a man whose chest they had plunged a sword into.

Inej gulped and finally met Kaz's gaze.

"Which one wins?" she asked him, but he only shrugged.

You have all the answers to the game right in front of you. You just need to look at it differently.

He was not talking about the card game and they both knew it.

Once again, vague answers bearing more questions to her subconscious.

Is it better to plead, to hide or to kill?

Inej's gaze lingered on the card of the executioner, and she tried to imagine herself in their position, digging the same sword into the flesh of every cruel man that she was asked to target, killing him slowly with nothing but his own hidden truths.

A shiver ran down her spine and she placed the rest of her cards aside.

Yes, she had long been drained of dignity, but her hands remained clean. And who was she to determine who was meant to live or die?

She cleared her throat. Met Kaz's eye again.

"Where's Lady Fortune?" A pause. "You know- that one card of the woman dressed in blue, the one holding a scepter made of seashells."

Lady Fortune; very prominent in the Suli equivalent of a card game. She had always been Inej's favourite. Even now, she couldn't help but wonder if she could also be found upon the tables of Ketterdam's gambling dens.

"It's often used as a trump card; She can switch the players' tricks and change the rules because she is of higher rank. She's what makes the game- "

Fun.

At that, she bit her lip, holding the stupid assumption back.

Gambling in Kerch was not about fun. It was about profit.

@esotericdescent : "It's better with you here." nina to inej

🗡 Though her hat still lay so close within her reach and though her wounds of victory had bled through her sleeves, Inej still felt more like an ordinary girl than a pirate captain in a company as blissfully true as this.

Nina had waited for her at the harbour, arms held open, the warmest and most heartbreaking of faraway greetings. There had been shouts of excitement, the sound of both their names as they had been cried out into the wind, and then Inej had run; to her.

There had been laughter, followed by the clumsy collision of their bodies. There had been a tender silence, followed by an embrace of five full minutes; An embrace that had been unable to compensate for the three long months that The Wraith had spent sailing across foreign tides. The revelation of it had made Inej tear up against the tickle of Nina's brown curls, her cheek still resting against the heartrender's shoulder, her lips moving in quiet, grateful prayer.

Despite the fact that the Slat was still whirling with the chaos and excitement that always came after victory, the music was now somewhat fainter. The Dregs were too drunk or too focused on typical card games to take further part in off-key singing and even more terrible dancing.

Nina had taken notice of Inej's bruises and, naturally, she had dragged her all the way to a couch at the very back of the room so she could work on relieving her of some discomfort.

Saints bless your own loving heart, Inej thought when she sensed the way the grisha's gentle grasp eased into her pulse, still wild with the adrenaline of sea travel, and carefully soothed her into calmness, easing her headache and stiffness of mind away.

It was as they both watched the other Dregs snore and drink and laugh over card tricks that Nina said it; It's better with you here.

"Moya milaya," Inej muttered gratefully in Ravkan, reaching for Nina's hand.

She had never regretted her choice to leave part of her life in Ketterdam behind and to keep leaving it for the sake of one holy purpose, but in moments like this, the burdens of her new life became all the more evident.

Nina had a purpose of her own too, one that required tremendous strength, and her country was lucky to have a soldier as fierce as her.

They both had separate paths to walk upon, different lives to lead, and though the thought filled Inej with great pride, leaving a friend behind, let alone Nina of all people, would never get any easier.

Nina, who still smelled like roses and cinnamon. Nina, who chose to speak in Suli as happily as Inej chose to speak in Ravkan, if only because of the familiarity and appreciation that was shared in the back and forth switching between their two respective languages; Finding a home in words that no Kerch man in this Saints-forsaken city could defile, because it was theirs and theirs alone.

Inej picked up her hat, the one she wore as captain, and gently placed it on Nina's head before leaning close to press their foreheads together.

"I haven't bathed in over a week and it will be a great inconvenience to care for all my injuries. So if you think this is better, I might have to draw a knife on somebody because, Saints, they must have done something truly horrible to you."