#erry erring

1. The Plan

Between now and Oct. 4 (so, over the course of about eight weeks), I'm going to commit to taking a short list of steps to improve my sleep schedule and habits, with only a couple of additions focused specifically on encouraging overnight accidents. And then I'll record and journal about any noticeable changes to my nighttime control that result!

2. The Baseline

I'm going into this as someone who's very much not a bedwetter. As far as I can recall, I was consistently dry at night years before I even stopped having trouble with accidents during the day as a kid. And I've never regressed since then! (...on that front, anyway.) I've had a handful of nighttime accidents as an adult, but only under circumstances where I was sick, injured, or otherwise physically exhausted.

I've also had pretty bad, though not like clinically problematic, sleep habits for most of my life. I get ~5-6 hours of sleep most nights during the week, keep consistently inconsistent hours, and usually have at least one night per week where I totally blow my sleep schedule up by losing track of time on something involving a screen. I compensate by sleeping in way too long on weekends.

On the other side of the balance, I've been in diapers 24/7 for several years and generally try to avoid holding it unless I'm worried about causing others discomfort from potential leaks or smells. I'd say my continence is still overall basically normal, but I do have rare messy accidents and would guess my ability to comfortably hold my bladder for long periods has decreased over time since I went back to diapers.

3. The Rules

While this little experiment is running, I will:

Set and keep a strict and consistent bedtime / rising time that allows for a full 8 hours of sleep.

I'm going to go with 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. as the default here. I have to be tucked into bed and settled in to sleep at the former time and awake and up directly at the latter.

"Strict" means that exceptions are only allowed if practically necessary for some kind of commitment outside my control. Otherwise, staying out or up late just isn't allowed; it's past my bedtime.

Build a 1-hour "wind-down" period into my nightly routine.

Trying to crash directly into bed while my brain's still going full speed is just asking for trouble. So, bedtime comes with a 1-hour buffer, starting at 9 p.m. to begin with. After that point, no work or screentime, lights get dimmed, and any devices go up and out of reach of my bed. I can do whatever else I want during this time, but bonus points for reading quietly.

Keep my bed comfy and protected.

My bed each night needs to be as cozily made as if I were planning to share it with guests. Clean sheets and a cover are a must, as are at least two layers of protection against leaks--a washable bedmat and a full mattress cover beneath the sheets.

Wear comfy and consistent PJs.

No sleeping in my workclothes or crashing into bed in a daytime diaper overdue for a change. Bedtime means changing into either a dry Megamax(/comparable disposable) or clean cloth diapers with protective pants, plus at least a comfy PJ top. PJ bottoms, onesies, and/or sleepers are acceptable but not mandatory.

Hydrate reasonably and with a little extra help.

I'll drink a glass or bottle of water during my wind-down period, plus a mug of dandelion tea. No trying to overhydrate, and no alcohol before bed.

Don't hold it while tucked in.

If I feel like I need to go while in bed, I will. I won't stress over waking up wet vs. dry, but, if I wake up still needing to go, I'll do so before I get up.

Track my progress!

I'll journal for my own purposes each day and try to put together a weekly update here!

4. The Goal

Probably the biggest thing to report is that I did, miraculously, actually stick to the rules I set for (basically) the whole week. (Mostly.) I ended up heading to bed like fifteen minutes late one night, and today I woke up unaccountably early and then dozed back off until hours too late. But, past that, I've been solid about sticking to the new schedule.

It's been a bit of an odd experience, so far! When the little routine works naturally, it is really nice. The first couple nights, I turned in right on time, read Finn Family Moomintroll (which is peak bedtime story material!), and then drifted right off to sleep. I woke up feeling super refreshed each time, too. (...it turns out getting a full night's sleep helps with that!)

But I am also used to just waiting for fatigue to hit before conking out 3-4 hours before I need to get up, and when sleep doesn't come right away it can feel very nervy trying to force it! The extra cozy nights were balanced out by a few where I just bubbled with stress over work stuff, trying to doze off, and had to actively force myself not to get up to distract myself from it.

Maybe coincidentally, those were also nights where I was less self-conscious about settling in and snuggling up and more just dropped everything at 9 p.m. and read some House of Leaves. (Which I would rate... less highly as a bedtime classic.)

I also hadn't fully appreciated how much not staying up into the wee hours would curtail my free time on workdays. I basically get ~3.5 hours between getting home and wind-down time, so if I want to do anything productive there's a very narrow window. I might have to try to finagle my schedule to adjust for that, if I'm going to stick to this plan.

As far as the kinky goal of the whole project, there's very little to say yet, which is not surprising just one week in. I've realized that my body isn't really accustomed to just letting go in bed, even fully protected, so presumably that's the first hurdle to get over. I've wet my bedtime diapers both before dozing off and right after just about every night thus far, but doing so without sitting up and really thinking about it wasn't easy.

No overnight accidents to report, obvs., though on Day 2 I did wake up, go what felt like only a little, and then check to find that I was actually pretty soaked. I'm reasonably sure I just woke up and went during the night or else was still groggy enough on waking that I didn't realize how full my bladder was? But, anyway, that was as close as I came to any morning surprises!

I think the two tweaks I'm going to aim for this week are to try 1) specifically keep bedtime to cozy, Little-slanted time, with grown-up materials and concerns fully set aside for the night, and 2) to get in more exercise during the day, to see if that helps me be properly tuckered out come bedtime.

A thing that's sunk in for me lately is just how habituated I've gotten to messy diapers.

I've always had kind of an ambivalent relationship with messing. I've never been into the act or the sensation itself, and when I first went 24/7 avoiding it was the one big asterisk I allowed myself, because cleaning up after actively grossed me out. When I pulled the trigger on trying to use my diapers for everything, it was mainly because the attraction of having to use my diapers for everything outweighed my iffy feelings about it in practice.

Over time, I definitely noticed the aversion side of things dwindling. Clean-up is still icky and something I hurry to get through as quickly and thoroughly as possible. But it stopped being the active "Ew, ew, eww...!" kinda experience that it was at first over time, which seemed natural enough.

And the thing that makes me feel funniest about it is that it's literally never a self-conscious "Oh, what if I didn't change..." thing. It's not something I've even thought about much, until I noticed it happening a lot this particular week. It's just...I'm busy or tired or distracted, and dealing with my dirty diaper doesn't rank on the list of priorities. (Realizing how little warning I usually get before I need to go hasn't helped with this, but that's another subject.)

What's snuck up on me lately, though, is how normalized being messy has gotten for me. In public, obviously, I hurry to change and do my best to avoid it when anyone might notice. But in private it's become unremarkable for me to be in the middle of something, pause to fill my diaper, only to try to get comfy and go right back to whatever I was focused on. Reading, playing games...napping, a few more times than I'd like to admit.

Fortunately, I am still responsible about taking care of my skin, so I'm not putting off getting changed for an unhealthily long time or anything. But it has definitely made me feel some type of way to realize that I've turned myself into the type of Little/Middle where, if taking care of my own changes wasn't on my list of responsibilities, my caregiver would absolutely have to worry about me waddling around with loaded pants unless they kept a close eye on me.

This past week definitely involved a fair amount of inertia in getting myself back on my intended training regimen. I did an okay (though not perfect) job of getting to bed on time most days, but a much worse one of baking in my pre-bedtime routine beforehand each night. My brain is still very used to just running until it's ready to shut off, instead of winding down naturally, and for some reason that was harder to switch gears on than at the start of my last attempt.

(It is very annoying that building good habits requires you to actually, like, spend energy building habits! I would be much more effective if someone just marched me off to the changing table and then to bed on a fixed schedule each night.)

Unsurprisingly, not a lot of interest to report as a result! I do think my body's default mode is already pretty acclimated to using my diapers in bed, at this point, and I was soggy by the time I got up each day this past week. But also those were all fully conscious "accidents," so.

Anyway, bottom line, I'm counting this past week as a baseline-setting dry run of sorts. (Hah.) I'm unfortunately stuck with travel messing with my routine later this week, but otherwise I'm going to do my best to be more strict with myself!