Out of Time - Part 3
A/N: I feel MUCH better about this. Thank you all for your likes or reblogs, I am so humbled that I dont *totally* suck at getting this from my head to paper-though I am sure I still have plenty of room for improvement. I appreciate everything you beautiful readers do! 3-5 Little Llamas :)
Warnings: Uhm...language...panic attack...
I returned to my apartment, defeated, only an hour after I left for what was meant to be a ‘mind clearing jog.’ Ha. I didn’t even make it out of the lobby when I saw a strikingly beautiful woman. I am not sure what about her caught my eye-her sparkling round eyes, or the way she was commanding the space around her. Though no one seemed to notice her but me, she gave off a strong energy that nothing would ever stand in her way. When she smiled I nearly lost all sense of direction, feeling intoxicated at the happiness immediately radiating from her. I was paralyzed and she was the drug suddenly pumping through my veins holding me immobile.
…’sir’
…’sir’
…”Sir?”
I hear someone calling and realize they are caling to me. I shake my head trying to force myself out of the tunnel world I am in with this remarkable being holding me captive from the opposite and eventually my focus zooms back to reality and I see Earl standing next to me, concern written all over his face.
“Are you okay Mr. Stan? You seem a bit out of touch today.”
“What? Oh, uh, yea, yes. Yes, Earl I am okay, thank you for asking. May I ask, who is that?” I respond, motioning toward the opposite side of the lobby where the woman had been beaming and realize that him and I are the only ones in the lobby.
“Sir?” he responds growing more confused.
“Uhhm-I’m sorry Earl, I am having a weird day. I’m headed out to clear my head, you have a good day alright?” He nods politely in response and I wave as I push through the revolving door out into the crisp spring air. Looking around I decide to run my normal route the opposite direction. I didn’t make it half a mile before I saw her again-this time sitting at a local ice cream parlor at one of the little outdoor tables. She was far to underdressed for the weather. I decided then to go and talk to her but someone bumped square into me and by the time I regained my balance and apologized to the stranger, she was gone again.
What the literal fuck is going on? I debated turning back or pushing through with my run. I pushed through a few more blocks but could not get that woman out of my head. I felt like every time I looked around she was there, even if it was only for a fleeting moment. My breaking point came when I saw her sitting down a dark alleyway, sobbing. I ran down to console her but tripped and she was gone again. Just *poof* vanished.
My chest begins to tighten as I turn to leave the alley, I steal a glance back feeling like leaving this alley will leave her alone, scared, crying. Pressure builds steadily in my chest and my head starts to spin. Taking three deep breaths in an effort to re-center myself, I turn and sprint back home. I make it back to the revolving front door as my vision starts to spot over black and, officially, I’m hyperventilating. Somehow I am able to keep it together outwardly enough to stumble through the lobby and into the private elevator Earl had shown me when I first moved here. He explained that the elevator only accessed a few of the apartments when they were ‘penthouse’ suites for the hotel that occupied the building previously. I lean against the back wall until the doors close then slide down the wall into fetal position and hit the light switch Earl installed specifically for me, darkness, stillness, and quiet immediately surrounding my body and mind. He had introduced me to the private elevator after I took a major role in what was ultimately a box-office-hit across the world. The role called for me to play a dark, tortured soul and I found myself slowly slipping into anxiety fogs after long weeks of intense filming.
When the elevator came to a stop I reached out for the familiar ‘Emergency Stop’ button, knowing that it would not trigger any alarms just lock the lift in place and turn on a small light Earl had installed so that he would know if I was in here. If the light stayed on too long, he would use the key I gave him to come in and check on me. Usually I had fallen asleep in the floor of the elevator and he would kindly help me up and into my apartment, encouraging me to shower and sleep in the comfort of my own bed. He never stayed longer than what it took to get me up on my feet and out of the elevator and he would typically take the lift back to his office floor.
The small size of the private elevator and the total darkness it provided was the first blanket of calm I could embrace. I took the private space to focus on steadying my breathing using whatever exercise I could remember to slow my heart rate. I didn’t even attempt to open my eyes until all the tension had left my body. Ironically the intense workouts needed for my last role defined my muscles in a way that was more obvious now to feel myself relaxing away from the panic attack. Sometimes my body reacted quickly to the calming devices and other times it took hours, either way I lost all sense of time.
Eventually I was calm enough to make my way to my bedroom. The heavy curtains were still drawn so I still had no idea what the actual time may have been. I changed into loose sleep pants, crawled under the covers and drifted off from the energy drain of the earlier panic attack.
That night I had my first dream of her.
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