#ep46

"No one is stupid enough to stop just because someone tells them to!"

Aka, "finishing the liveblog for Episode 46 - The Hacienda's Fever, and then going completely off the rails 2 lines deep."

It is so vindicating to finally get here, and be able to show you this line, after having spent the past 45 episodes talking about how the entire crux of Kerubim's character arc is his horrible, horrible loneliness, with only the subtext, and the comic, to back me up.

It's so... unromantic, that his entire reason for being with Lou is really mostly about loneliness, isn't it? Yet, it explains everything.

And to be fair to their relationship, this fear of loneliness is his reason for everything. The Achilles heel of his psyche, from which all problems stem.

So... I think it's the time to quickly wrap up the episode, and then analyse him, deeply.

Simone's appropriate, albeit pretty tragic, addition of "but all good come to an end", sets a perfect tone for the end of the episode, and the rest of this post.

And while it is a funny line, — because, for all his singing and dreaming, their romance has ended decades ago, — it also applies to his entire life, in a way.

Good things just don't last for Kerubim.

Kerubim and Atcham grew up in a big family, consisting of at least four other siblings and two parents, before being orphaned sometime before the age of seven, and ending up at the orphan temple.

Whether they were related to their mother, or adopted into the family, is irrelevant, — they both revere their legacy equally, despite the disdain they feel for one another.

Neither of them integrated into any friend groups in the orphanage, and ended up completely isolated, and at this time, where they should have been one another's support, their relationship fell apart.

It happened due to the mixture of Ecaflip's manipulation to further isolate Kerubim, and Atcham very likely being othered and bullied, being jealous of Kerubim's fur and protection by Ecaflip. They both abandoned one another out of jealousy and fear.

Likely, Kerubim first began to distance himself from Atcham, who began to close himself off from him, out of jealousy and anger, — which only led Kerubim to distance himself further, and develop a bond with ecaflip. A back-and-forth reaction.

The reason Kerubim spends his whole life trying to be an ideal of a hero and a man, whatever those may even be, is that he's seen first-hand that abnormality leads to rejection, which leads to loneliness.

But the next fear he has, related to loneliness, is his fear of being abandoned and disliked by his loved ones.

From his point of view, what happened with Atcham was that they were friends, and then, after their family was gone, Atcham blamed him for everything and decided to make killing him his life mission.

He can't bring himself to truly hate Atcham, because as an adult he understands how bad things were for him, — it doesn't mean that Kerubim doesn't dislike him, and have very valid reasons to do so, — but it stings. Because he doesn't dislike Atcham as much as Atcham dislikes him.

What happened between them was his first taste of rejection and abandonment, — and that memory, together with Ecaflip's slow chipping away at his self-esteem and threats, (both things — something Atcham was jealous of), becomes a killer combination.

Kerubim's first, and only, childhood friend was Bashi. They never understood one another, because neither of them is very emotionally intelligent, and their relationship fell apart. His other friends from childhood began to hate him too.

Abandoned again, — and it only reinforces this fear.

And so, his experiences lead him to take frantic actions to avoid often-imagined abandonment, and the pain it brings.

Whenever he has a conflict with someone, he flips between either hating them, and trying to hurt them before they can hurt him, — and hating himself, because if he keeps being left behind, it must mean he's not a very good person to be around, right...?

I'm doing character analysis here, but Bro.,, how did the writers give him BPD on accident.

It hurts his and Lou's relationship, his self-medication with danger and gambling also hurts their relationship. Lou's manipulation and insults also degrade their relationship. And their mutual cheating hurts it even more.

And then, abandoned again.

Despite their rivalry, he has always respected, even liked Indie, — but it hurts, because it feels like Indie almost never returned that sympathy.

And that's one more person besides Bashi and Atcham who he likes, and who doesn't like him back.

So overall, his life amounts to everyone he ever liked leaving him alone, again and again.

And the friends he still has aren't that close, — kept at a slight distance, lest they begin to hate him too. Even if he doesn't act that way, Kerubim doesn't think much of himself. His sole source of self-esteem is external validation. Mostly from Joris, by now.

Even friendly departures break him a little. Because good things just don't last, don't they?

Even Joris, — the best thing to have ever happened to him, — even the relationship he has with him, feels like it's running out of time.

It probably feels like his relationship with Joris won't last either, — he'll grow up, grow tired of him, and leave him too.

He's more than aware he hasn't been the best father he could be, and he's terrified of the moment Joris realises it, too.