#entry23

Months ago, my boyfriend and I were talking about Christmas and gift giving. His family was not used to gift giving or exchanging gifts during Christmas and he carried this out until now. He isn't the type of guy who goes out of his way to get someone he loves a gift.

Unlike me.

Although we have the same family situation about gifts, I personally like buying and giving gifts to family and close friends. I like buying or making them something that would make them feel loved and appreciated. I even bought him wireless earphones on our first date! That's how bad I am. (Or good, whatever you think of this.)

And while I love opening presents so much - like literally unwrapping them from crisp papers that my parents don't even open gifts given to them for me to do the honors - weirdly, I get awkward receiving gifts. Yeah, yeah, what the hell, right?

That's why when Firefly asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I didn't say that I want to get something materialistic. Instead, I said that I wanted to bake brownies with him. (He attended a course for this before.)

Sadly, we didn't get to bake brownies.

We made cookies instead!

It was a disaster at first - starting with me going back to our house to get some of the ingredients and gifts I bought for his family when I was already on my way, to having baking powder instead of baking soda, and burning our first batch of cookies! But as we put on the second up to the last batch of cookies in the oven and watch it rise, it became better and better.

I'm so thankful for Firefly because I get to experience baking again since the last time I did it was in high school. He was also feeling sick at that time and just got off from work, but he picked me up and went straight to baking with me. He did 70% of the work because I didn't trust myself with anything other than prepping the ingredients and washing the dishes.

Other than that, my mom liked the cookies and I even got a hug from his mom before I left their house.

Trey Ratcliff -

American photographer who focuses primarily in landscape photography.

Sorry I haven’t been on this blog in awhile (life’s been super busy), but I’ve got plenty of updates if y’all are interested. Some of this might also be a bit of a recap, as well.

Around a year ago I hopped states to live with my girlfriend and her family after my step mother essentially disowned me for being trans and said some super nasty things about not only me but her family too. Life’s been pretty good since moving and to be honest I’m thriving more than ever.

So, what about my gf and I? When I first moved in we were a little rough I’m not gonna lie, but as soon as I started testosterone in January things have been flourishing. A good chunk of depression left me when I started testo, which means a lot of anger left me. When I say a lot I mean practically most of it. I still have my moments but if you saw the me before compared to the me now, you would be amazed. I hated the me before but the me now is only getting better. I’m not gonna say our fights were all my fault because they weren’t, but just know we are better overall.

So what about us and the whole overcoming me being trans thing? Without going into huge amount of detail/taking over your dashboard: It happened. She refers to me as “he” all the time now. She calls me her “man” and a lot of other cute names. She tells everyone she’s got a boyfriend and when they ask about how that’s possible she explains respectfully how that came to be. I don’t doubt her as much and my fear of her leaving me for being a guy has gone down tremendously. What bit of doubt I have isn’t really her fault, I’m just paranoid in general. I know she loves me though and wants to stay. We overcame the biggest obstacle of our relationship and I’m so glad we did.

I also had top surgery 9 days ago. I had my reveal two days ago and I’ve never been more ecstatic. My chest looks so good so far. My confidence will continue to go up as the days go on. I am ready to start appreciating my body. I’m ready to live.

I am 9 months on testosterone and 9 days post-op top surgery. My girlfriend and I overcame the “trans issue” and we are so much better for it. I now live with a family that accepts me for who I am and it feels great. Life is looking up and I can only hope it stays that way.

Oh, and I had to be pricked twice for blood. Apparently I’ve got super tiny veins so the second time was done through my hand and it did the charm. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it’s definitely not my favorite (my hands are super sensitive). The nurses were super nice and informative. Over all it was a pretty decent experience.

Comenzaré este escrito confesando que me había resignado a coger un pequeño break de mi blog. Resulta que, claramente, solo engañaba a una persona... A mí. Necesitaba escribir. 

Necesitaba compartir mi emoción por el primer open mic que organizo. Creo que es una maroma que me estoy tirando y, para completar, ando sin paracaídas. Sin embargo, todo se ve claro, pues no hay nada que opaque las ganas y el propósito. Sé que a veces nos ahogamos en la rutina y en las obligaciones diarias. A veces están los deseos, pero falta el empuje. A veces necesitamos que se abra un espacio, que nos concedan un micrófono y unos minutos. Estuve ahí y sé que así tienen que haber muchos. Por eso lo decidí sin darle tantas vueltas, sin consultar ni buscar opiniones de antemano. Quise crear esta oportunidad para los primerizos que quieren, pero no se atreven. Quise crear esta oportunidad para los que tienen canas en eso de pararse en un escenario, pero no tienen tiempo para ser los invitados y poder expresarse como quieren. Sin Perdón Ni Permiso Open Mic es esa oportunidad (Actualmente la convocatoria para los poetas, músicos, comediantes y actores, sigue abierta. De desear participar, solo se tienen que comunicar conmigo).

Necesitaba escribir. 

Necesitaba, con mucha palabrería (como sé hacerlo), expresar mi miedo y rechazo a que me presenten como escritora ante otras personas. No quiero que malinterpreten, no es que no me den cosquillas en el estómago cuando lo hacen, sino más bien es sentir que aún no lo merezco; me falta camino por recorrer y lo sé. Ayer, luego de haber visto Histerietas Criminales del grupo Histeria Colectiva, me fue mencionado algo que en algún momento me había pasado por la mente. Es que el respeto hacia el teatro fue tan grandemente inculcado en mí, por maestros y experiencias propias, que no me atrevería a coger papel y lápiz en mano para escribir algo y someterlo a la oportunidad de presentarlo en algún escenario. Necesito preparación, necesito práctica y, definitivamente, un poco más de agallas. No obstante, escribir para teatro es algo que tengo presente en una esquina de mi mente, quizá, como parte de mis planes futuros. 

Planes futuros... Se escucha como algo tan lejano. “Planes futuros” que en realidad están a la vuelta de la esquina y no puedo esperar a adentrarme en ellos.