#entry22

I remember almost chanting these words a couple of years ago when I was accompanying Ate Yayoi around Cavite, trying to catch a P2P bus to Makati. We were on our way home from our internship in a rehabilitation facility in Amadeo. No one was available to fetch her, and it was a bit late at night that we weren't able to catch the last bus of P2P in Dasma. I told her I knew that there were P2P buses in Noveleta, so she checked the schedule and if we hurry, she might just catch the last bus there.

But the commute from Amadeo to Noveleta is long and arduous. Half of the time, she was even asking me if I would let her sleep in our house to which I answered of course, yes. I also remember her saying these words, "God is in control". He is in control of her situation. He is in control of all the things around her, and of whether she will make it or not.

And these has stuck with me ever since. Every time I am in a difficult situation, I would say these words, too - "God is in control".

Hence, I believe that He is in control of my situation right now which is somewhat complicated, more so when it stays in my head for long.

The one problem I have with being responsible is that it doesn't completely free me from anxiety and endless worries. Even though I did and took all steps necessary to be a responsible adult, there are still things that weigh me down and keep me from having a peaceful sleep at night and enjoying the present moments I have in my life.

It makes me think that, well, these are the same feelings I have when I was being reckless and irresponsible, did I just really do those for nothing?

All along I thought that if I did the right and responsible thing, I would have been free from all the negativity.

But I wasn't.

An every time I look back, I also realize that I am distancing myself from God during these times. Perhaps I was too focused on other thins, was too happy, was too careless that I forget and ignore my personal relationship with Him.

So, I go and find my way back to Him. Cast my anxiety and weary to Him, because at my lowest and desperate times, He is the only one I can turn to.

Alexey Titarenko -

“The idea of the City of Shadows emerged quite unexpectedly and quite naturally during the collapse [of the Soviet Union] in the fall of 1991. I mean that the concept itself stemmed from my impressions nourished by the everyday reality.”

Cuando pensábamos que no quedaba más nada, encontramos oro en el tesoro escondido que es Puerto Rico. 

Cuando nos arrastrábamos porque lo poco que teníamos ya no se le podía llamar “nuestro”, una medalla nos recordó lo mucho que podemos hacer y lo inmenso que es nuestro valor. Se nos infló el pecho, sudamos, lloramos y gritamos como si hubiésemos parido esa medalla con nuestro esfuerzo, pero es que esa medalla significa un poco más. Significa el reconocimiento mundial de un pueblo que ha sido tapado por manos tiranas. Significa el alzamiento, ante los ojos de todo el mundo, de una bandera que ha querido ser aplastada. Significa la fuerza detrás de un puño agitado al aire, de un himno, de una lágrima, de los que trabajan día a día y de los que con orgullo donde estén dicen- “Soy boricua”. Significa que Puerto Rico todavía tiene brillo y tiene oro: un oro que nadie le puede robar, un brillo que nadie puede comprar. 

Esa medalla va para los que nos mandan a soñar, pero “con los pies en la tierra”, porque “aquí hay una realidad”. Esa medalla va para los que nos mandan a volar, pero no muy alto. Para los que nos inculcan a dejar lo que nos apasiona como un “hobby” más, porque con eso “no llegas a ná”. Va para los que nos quieren encajonar en los estándares, en las rutinas, en lo que “es seguro”. Sin embargo, la vida se trata de riesgos y es por esos riesgos que hicimos historia. Es por esos riesgos que hoy aplaudimos y celebramos nuestra primera medalla de oro en las Olimpiadas. 

El pueblo se unió y se levantó en grande. Ahora nos falta deshacernos de este juego de “enano o gigante” en el que estamos participando por miedo y recordar que, aunque con un espacio pequeño, fuimos hechos para ser gigantes solamente. 

Gigantes, porque más allá de tener oro, SOMOS de oro. 

Entry#22 So I woke up this morning and realized it was Monday already. Monday means work. Aaaghh!!! Yeah, thats what Mondays cause me.

I should have been up at 4am but my unparticipative body sticks itself to bed until 6am so I got up at 6.

Given little time to prepare, I just went across the road to buy coffee and went back to have my daily morning meditation. On my way, I realize its been a long time since I’ve had the proper coffee and how I miss the smell of a freshly brewed coffee.. And just puttong it into a sentence makes ny mouth water for it.

So, the daily meditation today is about God’s law and how it serves as warnings to us so that we won’t suffer the punishment of sin and and also God’s grace which enables us to walk through this law and gain reward coming from God. It was a comforting thought. Yes we are sinners but we are sinners saved by grace and with that grace we can walk in Gods law and receive blessings from our Father which is in heaven.

After which I prepared breakfast and was resolved to seriously by calamansi and fruits because my body is bursting with oil and fats, which is not so healthy anymore.

What else? yeah I have a long day ahead of me with my calendar reminding me of the things that I should have to accomplish yet, of things I have to face and troubles caused that I have to resolve.

Also I will be continuing my stpry with A on the next entry. I can’t stop thinking of him ever since that day I saw SRP, **** that SRP.

I missed him but he  might have forgotten me already. Also.. with A, I had also in my mind P. Well.. blame it to timehop to make me remember him all over again. It was such that he was my ideal guy or man and he just vanished, like a blinding light that flashed for one moment only. I don’t want to repeat my desperate act again and contact him as someone else just to hear his voice. It would be… desperate.

And maybe this is my discipline.. For breaking those hearts who had loved me and I don’t know but maybe possibly loving me still..

A and I may not see each other ever again.. P also.. But I still dream of really seeing them both again..