Well, I guess the "go to bed at a decent time" deal wasn't going to last very long. Haha I knew it wasn't gonna happen. Especially if everything works out and I end up continuing to work nights. But whatever, it would actually be a paycheck and extra goodness.
I ate good today, mentally I stayed pretty on track with being positive. Although, I did sleep a lot of the day. SLEEP is my biggest competitor right now with getting right. So because of that, I feel this entry might be a tad short, it's almost 4 am anyway.
I didn't drink today, well not really. 2 hard root beers really don't count to me personally. So on a friday night I find that to be a win. Tomorrow is gonna be harder. It's EMO NITE and my ex "bff" will be there with my friend I am rolling with's best friend and it's just gonna be a tad awkward. But because of that part of me wants to stay relatively sober. I don't wanna black out anymore, really.
I'm doing brain games! And actually getting back into using my language teaching apps. I mean yes, it's an app but hey maybe it'll work if I just keep using it. Honestly I seem to have retained information when it comes to reading words and shit. But having to write it from memory. Maaaan do I have a ways to go.
But... I can feel it. I can feel the shift. The more I read my books, the more I use my brain and enjoy it, the faster I'll actually get out of this shit hole of a situation. I have more faith in myself and the world around me then even when I was on my game a few years ago. Because this is all about my power. What I am creating on my own. Not in a relationship, not focusing all my energy on a collective. Which isn't a bad thing, but I have never accomplished anything on my own, and maybe this experience has all been created by me. But if that's the case I am the only one who can really break it down, forever. These barriers in my mind are there from so much conditioning of being utterly fucked up, I need to chip away just a little at a time. Who knows if I would be even mentally prepared for all the shit I have kept hidden for so long. I do a damn good job of keeping it at bay, but hell I am still human. I still have a chest full of shit that I need to work through. In time it will all come to fruition, whether it be to disappear or to be brought to light and used for a positive. Growth is just growth. There is no good or bad. It's just all in the way you react and allow that to then control your actions following.
I'm more than these current surroundings. I already see myself out. I see myself living alone. All. Alone. Not counting a puppy most likely. I need a cuddle companion. Have my things. My couch. My home recording studio all setup. It's clean, it's homey. The incense burning and the natural light coming in through all the windows. Going to school and interning at a live venue while bar tending at another one. That's ideal. The ability to travel. Seeing my best friend who moved to NYC often. Going to Cali to be with family since I don't really know the meaning of the word.
Being me. Happy. That's what I see. And this is just the tip of the image iceberg. But sleep is winning over.
