#enthusiams

(This one is very good but very real and intense, so forewarned: CW: mentions of harmful and suicidal thoughts, abuse, death, hurting others, bullying. alternate desired realities) 

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I’ve had a pretty shitty life. And I don’t just mean ‘I don’t get picked for stuff ’ and ‘my parents didn’t buy me that game’, I mean fucked up stuff that should never happen to a kid.

I grew up. I was treated poorly, by everyone. There was different levels to how badly I was treated. Some people were just mean to me because I seemed indifferent. Some people disliked me because I was incapable of asking for help (and I still have trouble doing this, mainly because no help was given to me when I called for aid as a child, and it ingrained in me that asking for help is useless since no one is going to help. The same thing with crying).

I lived through this. For years.

I am still in a bad place, but now I am strong and hard and I have some confidence. But...I had given up trying. I had given up trying back when I was in year 5 and the thing happened. I had given up then. The spark wasn’t there.

I wasn’t suicidal though. I love me. I am nihilist, and I do not believe this is all real, but I believe in the high possibility of this being an experience my real me is experiencing. I know that sounds confusing, but bear with me.

I...don’t want to stop existing here. I have no way of knowing the other existence isn’t worse. It could be better. There might be a ridiculous cloud city with everything I need. There might be a place where people are educated in not being dicks. I dunno, I could stop existing here and start existing as my Nation State’s leader figure. I could wake up and this was all testing done on some lab. I could die and be stuck as a ghost here (I’d like that very much actually. At least I am sure of what is here). Well, my point is, I love things here. Things that are not society. Things that are great. 

The feeling of sharing laughter with a human who is not a threat and who won’t harm you. The feeling you feel when you yawn in the morning after you’ve finally charged up the courage to jumpstart your body into action.

The way icy cold water down your throat feels like pure bliss on a thirsty day.

The way birds do the thing where they just go along their business, Jumping back and forth rather than taking steps.

The way dogs encircle their sleeping spots.

The way the laughter of a fierce rogue in a movie makes everyone crack a smile.

The way it feels to touch a beautiful instrument.

The way you feel when you see someone you are fond of manage to do something that makes them happy.

The way the ground sounds when you are not in a hurry.

The way the wind blows a nice breeze on a sunny day.

The way your heart races when lightning suddenly illuminates all the darkness.

The way you can get into an argument with any animal based solely on making noises at them and them responding with a noise and you doing it again.

The way your own eyes look when you are happy and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you can’t help but smile at how beautiful you are in that second.

The way that a new pen starts working smoothly, with grace, when you buy it.

The way everyone tries to lick thiir elbows once they find out they can’t.

The way it feels to bite into plain toast when you are hungry but not for flavor, but for crunch. 

The way music-box music can make you dazed and exist only to experience the music at that moment. 

The way it feels when the first drops come after a drought.

The way looking at the ocean feels like.

The way it feels when you can hear the ocean before being able to see it.

Those are all beautiful things. I knew they were. But I also knew society was hazardous. I knew my domestic life was hazardous. I knew people who proclaimed to be adults defined adults as ‘people who rules over those who are not adults’, rather than what they should be, protectors of the young and the old. I knew the system was so corrupt I could not seek revenge or justice if anything bad happened to me. I didn’t think people with ‘normal’ lives could understand how hard it was to be fucked up. I didn’t believe it was possible.

Then I found John Green.

The way he talked...it was enthusiasm, not unlike that of an innocent child, but relaxed...it was the sort of thing I wish I could achieve.

When I was a kid, a few times I felt that typical kid enthusiasm. I would stumble over my words, I would feel like bouncing up and down. I felt like everyone should listen and that I couldn’t get the words out and that telepathy should be real so I could explain myself. I wished I could keep that feeling, I wish that life hadn’t killed that feeling out of me. I wished I could have grown as an adolescent with that feeling. I wish I had been an active teen. The feeling rekindled about...I don’t know. Not that long ago. I know that when I was 15 I felt horrible, terrible.

I held on. I loved me. I was the only one that loved me for me without asking questions and without expecting anything.

I held on, I droned on. I could have given up. I could have refused to move. I could have stayed in bed and tried to sleep everything away (and I wanted to, I wanted to so badly...).

Little things kept me from doing that. Things like being able to experience another life, no matter how fake, on a game console. The way I could create an alternate me, who wasn’t stuck in this life, a me that could be free and could start recuperating from this life.

I’m glad I survived. I’m not saying John’s videos saved me, I’m just saying there were one of the many very important things I stumbled across to come to the brilliant realization that it is possible to overcome the bullshit.

The way John calmly, though excitedly, answered questions and made comments and tried to see different sides of things...it was...it was amazing to see. Everywhere I had looked everything was anger and sadness. I felt angry all the time. I felt sad all the time. I felt like killing people. I got so frustrated I wanted to end them. I didn’t plan out killing them or anything, its just...I knew I wasn’t going to let myself die. I had overcome things. I wasn’t going to give up. And I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. And I was willing to end people for it. I held on. I let my frustration seep through the games I played. I vented through them. I vented through art. I vented through reading. I never broke anything or got into fights, but I loathed people. I loathed society. All societies.

But I got to this point where...where things like GISHWES were a thing. Where I found people willing to help. And they didn’t need to help me, just help in general. They existed there, on the other side of the internet, and they were doing things because...there was no because. You don’t need a reason to help people.

I’m not saying I’m not sad now or that I don’t hate things...but I do have happiness. I have neutrality. I can be calm. I can make friends. I can be distant but still close.

When I had finally gotten to that stage...when I started watching the vlog thing...man, Hank and John are just amazing. They were like friends who didn’t expect anything from us or each other. They made their lives public...and it turned out okay.

And I know this is weird, but I love the SciShow Hank does. I love learning things. I haven’t felt such passion for learning since I found out what dinosaurs were as a kid!

It’s beautiful. Life is. And society one day can be too. But...at least there are some little pieces of society that are okay.

So...I guess I love you guys.

Nerdfighters made this big. I...I can’t thank you enough, ok?

I felt so horrible all the time and now I just...I love things now.

Things are still hard but I am much better now.

I just love you guys, all the thousand and millions of yous.

Sometimes I wish I didn't get so obsessed with things. I like to be enthusiastic about the things I love, but some times (a lot more often than I'd like) they pass the point of being healthy and start interfering with my life.