#ennergram

I’ve been pretty calm in the face of a situation that would’ve stressed me out to the point of tears just a few months ago, and It’s can’t tell if I’ve achieved “eternal” contentment (I don’t know I’m how long this is going to last) or if this is positive apathy, and I’m just ignoring any affect my actions and my life may have on the world in favor of the “I’m going to die anyway, what does it matter?” mentality.

They could very likely be the same thing, and if that’s the case, I’m not sure if I’m liking “Eternal contentment” very much.

My feelings and emotions feel “dull,” like they’re just constant little splashes in an ocean, when they used to be sporadic waves in a kiddie pool.

In a way, this is everything I could’ve wanted, to put my emotions on a back burner and forget about them to accomplish “complete” objectivity. To chose whether or not I want to indulge in stress, sadness, anger, etc.

I suppose I could always do that in retrospect, and I kind of have been, but this is different, in a way. When I wanted to ignore the way I felt before, I had to mentally distract myself with music, puzzles, YouTube, etc, and it wasn’t always effective. Now, I feel like I can take my feelings head on, and that’s how I ignore them. Once I acknowledge how menial the feeling actually is, it crumbles into (next to) nothing.

It’s almost like getting to choose whether I want to feel physical pain. Pain is important, it lets you know when something is wrong and needs to be addressed. It’s almost like stress in that way. When I’m given the choice to turn off pain, I’m given the choice to ignore important things, and let myself decay.

Where there “should” be stress ebbing beneath the surface, a constant yet dull presence until I choose to deal with it, there is a disturbing calm in its place. The stress is still there. It’s just significantly easier to ignore.

I don’t get as angry at things (“Is there really a reason to be angry over this? It won’t matter in the long run.”) I find it easier to over come social anxiety (“Why should I be scared of this? It won’t matter in the long run.”), etc. I also like myself more. Not as weird of a feeling as I thought.

This rationalizing isn’t something I’m putting conscious effort into either. Or I don’t believe that I am.

It’s not nessesarily a bad feeling. Just abnormal. I’ve never felt this before. Maybe it’s only a weird feeling because I’m not used to it. Maybe this is how other people feel all the time.

I’ve contemplated and dismissed the idea that this is happiness, hence why I called this feeling “eternal contentment.” Happiness, like every emotion, is temporary, and “eternal happiness” doesn’t exist.

What everyone is looking for is eternal contentment, satisfaction with their life stemming from acceptance, and though it’s debatable whether or not that exists either, I think it, at least my definition of it, describes what I’m feeling the best.