“252.33kr.” The woman behind the counter spoke flatly, as Enjar handed her the cash. It was easier to get out of his wallet than a bank card, and if anyone went through his purchases… Well, he wasn’t trying to make a paper trail.
He’d gone through his vodka quite quickly, and was starting to get nervous, anxious even, without alcohol to get him through the day. He needed something, just to distract him and keep his head above water.
And besides, the drinking had helped, he’d managed to actually stomach the thought of working out yesterday, after a couple of beers to wake him up and get him moving.
He’d bought those yesterday. Just a pack of six.
There were already only three left. By the end of the day he wouldn’t have any more.
‘It’s fine if I get the energy to work out again. Then I won’t need to worry about drinking. I can get through the night from actually sleep. This is just a stepping stone.’ He thought as he grabbed the bag.
He knew the woman was eyeing him suspiciously. She’d sold him the beer yesterday, and he was already buying more booze… stronger booze.
Akvavit.
He actually quite liked it, and this brand in particular was a pretty tasty one, even if it was on the cheaper end. He couldn’t help himself, reaching into the bag and grabbing one of the two bottles, cracking the lid and taking a sip.
‘Just a few, as a reward for only needing one beer this morning.’ He thought up the excuse as he sipped, enjoying the taste of the spices and the heat of the drink sliding down his throat. He shuddered, as an autumn wind nipped at his skin. He should’ve worn a thicker jacket, but the alcohol was already warming him up.
“One more sip, for the road.” He mumbled, taking a long sip of the drink. A woman scowled at him, as she walked past, putting something about “the fucking drunkards” around. He suddenly was self aware that he was walking down a street, in public, drinking way too much alcohol than was publicly acceptable straight out of the bottle.
Quickly fastening the lid, or as quickly as he could with his useless, tingling fingers, he began walking home.
As he walked back, rain began to fall, causing him to shiver. He should’ve brought an umbrella. He was shaking badly as he walked in the now pouring rain, soaked to the bone. By the time he’d made it back to the street Anna lived on, he was practically blue.
His stupid, useless fingers fumbled for the keys he’d put in his pocket, hands shaking as he managed to get it into the lock on the fifth go.
Turning the key, he stumbled into the house, dropping the sopping wet plastic bag by the front door, and turning to shut it again.
He struggled to shrug off his coat, trudging dejectedly to the kitchen and dumping it in the sink. He was shaking so badly his teeth were chattering. Going over to his bag, he noticed the water pooling out from it, and the smell…
“No, no, no, no, no!” He cried, racing to the bag and fishing out the bottle. It had started leaking when he’d put it in the bag… His stupid fingers out the lid on wrong and he’d lost over half of it on the long walk home.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he lifted the wet bottle from the bag, but with his numb, shaking fingers, he dropped it, and the glass shattered on the ground.
“AGHH!” He screamed in frustration, kneeling down in the puddle, looking at the shattered shards of glass…
All that money wasted…
And now he has less alcohol to get him through the day…
He had to clean this up.
Rushing around the house, Enjar felt the anxiety return. He had less alcohol. He’d felt okay before, but now he didn’t know if he could make it through to next week…
He swept up the glass from the tiles, quickly throwing it in the bin and taking the bag out. Then, he got to mopping up the mess, and the wet footprints he’d left all over the house.
Sneezing hard, Enjar shivered as he cleaned everything up, slowly calming down with the repetitive motion of the mop. Soon he’d cleaned up everything, and grabbed his remaining bottle, quickly taking it to his room and stashing it under the bed with the others.
Tomorrow he’d go and replace the bottle he’d lost. That would be okay. It wasn’t every day he’d lose a whole bottle and it’s not like he’d had a lot anyway. He was only replacing what he would’ve drunk eventually…
Grabbing one of the beers, he held it for a second, contemplating if he should drink it. He was conflicted, on one hand he knew he shouldn’t be having another, especially when he’d rewarded himself for only having one before, but it had been a tough morning and he needed something to warm himself up.
Grimacing, he shoved the bottle back under the bed, going to his things and fishing out some new clothes. He shivered badly as he shrugged them on, coughing and sneezing a little. He fell better once he was in some new clothes, but was still cold…
“Tea.” He told himself firmly, not wanting to fall into the trap that was threatening to catch him.
Walking into the kitchen, he boiled the kettle, exploding into a coughing fit, which left him doubled over and gasping as the water boiled. He looked up at the click of the kettle, and rummaged around looking for a mug and teabag. His hands were still shaking, and he felt streaks of cold slice through him as he searched for the mug, sniffing up the mucous from his dripping nose as he went.
Wiping his face on his sleeve, he sneezed into his elbow, and looked back up to find the tea right there in front of him. He grabbed it, and some sugar, making up the tea and leaving it to steep as he found the milk.
Soon he was curled up on the couch, sipping his tea and watching daytime TV, which was pretty shit, but it was something to do. He finished the tea and still felt so cold, pulling a nearby throw blanket onto his weak, pathetic body and curling up.
In minutes he was asleep.
~~
When Anna came back she found the floor spotless, which made her happy. Maybe Enjar was finally feeling better and decided to clean the house as a thank you? Her gut told her otherwise.
Her face changed when she saw the state of the kitchen, sugar and tea leaves scattered across the bench top, milk left open and un-refrigerated, and the TV playing some re-run of an ancient game show.
“Uh, Enni? You around? Can you come help me clean up?”
There was no reply.
“Probably staring at the wall again— What the fuck?” She muttered, going to wet a cloth at the sink, but instead lifting the still sopping wet jacket from the sink.
“Okay…?”
She glanced around for any sign of her brother, noticing a mug on the coffee table across from the TV.
“En?” She approached cautiously, careful not to scare him.
“Enjaaaaar?” Her voice was soft as she glanced at the Enjar shaped lump under the blanket. His face was poking out, cheeks flushed, and breathing heavy.
“Oh… Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re sick…” She whispered, reaching out to touch his forehead. The second her fingers brushed his hot skin, Enjar’s eyes snapped open, and his hand shot to Anna’s wrist, holding it tight.
Anna yelped in fright, and it took her brother half a second to realise who it was waking him up.
“Hey…” Anna smiled gently, as Enjar let her go and sat up, looking groggy. He stared at nothing and coughed, as she checked him over, “You feeling okay?”
Enjar sniffed loudly, sounding congested, in reply, swallowing a glob of slime and looking at her with watery eyes.
“What’s caused all this? Did you go out and catch a cold in the rain?”
Enjar averted his gaze guiltily.
“Oh, En. Well, don’t worry. I got you a present today.”
Enjar looked up at her, as she grinned excitedly, going to get the bag. She put it in his hands and sat across him of the coffee table, waiting for him to open it.
Her brother struggled with his fingers to grip the bag well, but pulled it open, lifting out a huge, soft dressing gown, that was the softest thing he’d ever felt. He had struggled to feel sensation in his hands since the attack, so he carefully placed the fabric against his right cheek, feeling the softness on his skin.
His lip quirked as he felt the heavily texture, and Anna leaned forward, helping him slide it on. It was perfect, like being wrapped in a cloud. He weakly sank back into the couch, shaking a little, enjoying the pleasant softness against his skin.
Anna looked at him in concern, as he coughed, his chest sounding congested. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
She heaved her brother to his feet, her stomach sinking as was getting easier every day to pull him up. She’d have struggled to do that a few months ago, and now it was like picking up a small child.
Helping him shuffle to his room, she tucked him in and pulled some extra blankets over him, trying to warm his shivering body. She tried to ignore the three beer bottles she noticed on the side table, until he was asleep.
Grabbing it as she left, she examined the bottles. She rarely drank beer, and never got this brand, and Stephen didn’t drink this particular one either. She wondered where it had come from, but deep down she knew something was wrong.
It all made sense, after all.
Enjar didn’t have access to his car, and must’ve walked to the nearest store, bought the drinks and gotten sick in the rain…
“What can I do with you, En?” She asked the air, dropping the bottles in the recycling bin. “Please don’t let this become what I think it is… Please don’t end up like Dad.”
Enjar and Anna’s father had left their lives when Anna was 14. He was a gambler, and alcoholic, and had left one day and not come home, saying that their mother was divorcing him and he didn’t care about them anymore. Enjar had always sworn he wouldn’t become like that. Their dad had gotten violent when he drank, and Enjar had needed to fight him off more than once as a kid.
Enjar’s biggest fear was that he’d end like his father. And Anna could already see the signs. But how could she help him when none of them where allowed to talk about what happened? He couldn’t see a therapist, Sommer and his cronies would make it beyond impossible. It had been in the contract…
Bursting into tears, Anna sank to the floor, unsure of what to do. Where to go…
She wanted her brother to be okay…
She wanted her brother back.
~~
Enjar was in and out for days with a fever, that apparently Stephen had then caught too. Anna rushed between them both trying to look after them, but it was so draining. She hardly ate, slept, did anything except sit by either man’s side and care for them.
“You should go to bed…” Stephen mumbled at one point, before coughing weakly, and groaning into his pillow. “You need rest too.”
Anna shook her head, she wouldn’t leave him alone, not like this.
“Go…” Her husband spoke, his voice high and rasping.
“I’m okay… I should check on En.”
“Leave the bastard. He’s asleep, like always. Go to bed Anna.”
Anna sighed, looking at the bedroom door, down the hall where her bed was, and where her brother was… She should probably top up the water bottle she gave him, he needed to be hydrated.
But, Stephen was right. She needed sleep.
“Alright… But I’ll check on En first.”
“Ugh, fine.”
Stephen rolled over, trying to sleep as Anna kissed his warm shoulder. She stood, tiptoeing down the hall, to see Enjar lying still, quiet and breathing softly. She hoped he was asleep. “En?” She whispered, watching her brother’s outline stir. Shit, he was awake.
“Mmm?” He hummed groggily.
“You alright?”
“Yeah…” He replied, sounding terribly congested.
“Okay. I’m going to sleep, call out if you need anything.”
“Mhmm..”
Anna crept off to the couch, curling up with her blankets and passing out in seconds. Stephen was snoring softly down the hall, and Enjar was dozing, shuddering at the cold flushes that would suddenly tingle down his body.
Maybe if he had a drink, he would pass out and be able to sleep through the night?
Getting out of bed, he shakily got to his knees, and grabbed a bottle. Akvavit.
He’d never replaced that other one. He should when he was better.
Cracking open the new bottle, he began to drink. In minutes, he felt the familiar haze of drunkeness overcome him, and he glanced down at the bottle with a hiccup. A lot was gone.
He took a few more sips, feeling the familiar, almost comforting tilt of the world as he shoved it back under his bed. Crawling back under the sheets, he was soon asleep, and didn’t move for hours.
Anna came down with the cold a day or two after that night, and soon Stephen was the one looking after her, and sometimes Enjar when he felt like it.
He didn’t diligently sit by Enjar’s side and make sure he ate and drank, and Enjar didn’t care. He just felt like shit. Whenever he felt particularly bad, he’d shuffle into the kitchen, and grab some paracetamol, tossing them back, following it with akvavit.
Then, he’d go back to bed, sighing in relief as he felt the aching inside him fade, and sleep finally come.
After a few days, he was finally over it, but his body was craving the alcohol more than ever. His mind constantly thought about it, came up with justifications to have it. Little wins, Enjar had been calling them. With Anna out of the picture, he was happy to just sit in bed, sipping the alcohol or maybe watch TV with her.
He knew she’d be mad if she knew how much he was drinking, so he began pouring the alcohol into the plastic water bottle.
Diluting it with water took some of the edge off, but it did make his drinks last longer too, but as he went on, Enjar found the amount of water he was diluting it with was getting smaller. He needed to buy more soon, he was getting low and anxious. His beers were gone, and so was the vodka… He only had half the akvavit left.
But it was nice cuddling with Anna, watching old comedy shows and laughing. It felt nice to laugh genuinely at something funny. Anna was pleased he was laughing too, maybe he was finally recovering?
After about 9 days, Enjar felt better, still a little congested, but better. Even Anna had felt good enough to go back to work, and En couldn’t have been more excited. It meant that today he could finally go and buy more alcohol. He was so anxious without it. He couldn’t sleep without it.
Waiting for an hour after she’d left, Enjar got out the list he’d decided to make of all the stores within walking distance, and track when he’d last been. Perhaps he could hit the closest one today, it had been a while since he’d been there.
That was a cause for celebration.
Getting to his knees, he pulled out the akvavit, and took a few gulps, finally relaxing as a buzz filled his body. He’d already had some that morning, first thing, to help him wake up.
Staggering a little to his feet, he got ready, and walked out the door, walking the 20-ish minute trip to the store. Once inside he felt his heart soar with joy, they were having a sale and there was 10% off wine.
Walking around the store, he picked up more akvavit, and a couple vodkas, then went to examine the wine.
Smiling, he saw an expensive red wine Anna liked, which was buy one get one 10% off. One for him, and one for Anna. She deserved a gift, after looking after him so well through all this bullshit.
Grabbing the two bottles, he looked at a couple more wines, finding a cheap white wine that looked good. He’d never tried that one before. Grabbing two bottles of that too, he went to the counter, and the cashier looked up at him with a strange look.
“Pretty early to be buying this much.” They spoke cautiously, scanning the bottles through.
“They’re gifts, mostly.” Enjar replied, trying to sound casual. “Only a couple are for me.”
That wasn’t entirely untrue…
There were some for Anna, and if he didn’t like the white wine, he could give her the other too. He’d test it on the way home to decide.
“Okay. That’ll be 1563 kr.” Enjar nodded, his stomach seizing for just a second. That was a lot of money for him right now. His hand reached into his wallet on its own fruition, and before Enjar realised what he was doing, the money had left his hand.
Enjar took the bags of booze, and walked out of the store, to a nearby park. Rummaging around, he found the white wine and cracked it open, taking a big sip. It was okay, not the best wine he’d ever had… but something inside him had just ceased to care. It didn’t want the alcohol to taste good, it just wanted more.
He grabbed his bags, smiling at how his arms were strong enough to carry them. Maybe he was getting stronger again. That was a cause to celebrate.
Enjar staggered home, no longer caring about the dirty looks he got from people, as he shuffled through the streets, excited to get home. He didn’t even care about the stares he got from his scar, the drink made him invincible!
When he finally got home, he made a beeline to his room and stashed his drinks away, except for the one for Anna. He stared at the growing amount of bottles under the bed, and began looking around the room. He should probably hide them in a safer spot, so that Anna wouldn’t be mad if she found them, just in case.
Stashing one bottle of vodka under the pillow he never slept on, he tucked another into the closet behind his clothes, and another in the corner of the wardrobe. Soon everything was hidden, so that no one could take his alcohol…
He glanced at the now half empty bottle of wine, grimacing.
“Sssshit…” He slurred, swaying. He put the bottle beside him, on the side table, and collapsed into the soft sheets, with a hiccup.
When Anna came home from work, he jerked awake, glancing around at his room. Everything was safe…
He was safe…
His alcohol was safe…
He reached for the bottle of wine, to help sooth his now slightly pounding headache, and grabbed Anna’s gift from under his bed.
His sister called out his name, adding that she’d bought pastries home. Enjar emerged from his room, hiding the bottle, half out of shame, behind his back. Anna smiled when she saw him, and held up the delicious looking pastries. “I got your favourite ones!” She gleamed.
Enjar smiled back, it was nice too feel so loved.
“I got you something too…” He mumbled tiredly, holding out the bottle.
“As a thank you for looking after me… I saw they had a sale, and knew you liked this one, so…” He trailed off.
Anna smiled, “Aww, thank you, En. Did you go to town today?”
“Yeah, for a walk…”
“Oh, good. Hey, maybe we should go to the gym later, I need some pointers, maybe you could show me some stuff?”
Enjar looked unsure, but nodded, even if he didn’t work out, he could help Anna. And it would be a good reason to have a Little Win…
“Okay.”
Anna smiled, clapping excitedly. “Yay! I can’t wait!”
She rushed off to get her things ready, Enjar slowly following her. The plan was already forming in his head. If he went to the gym a lot, he could have lots of wins, and reward himself a lot… It was perfect.
When Anna walked back out in her gear, she smiled at Enjar, who was in his own. His clothes hung so loosley from his body, and it only reminded him how much muscle he’d lost. How much of his identity…
Anna practically dragged him to the car, and excitedly drove to the gym, thrilled to have some bonding time with her brother.
Somewhere deep down, she hoped this would help fix him. Therapy was out of the option, but her friend René had told her that her therapist had recommended exercise as a way of helping depression.
Maybe this is what he needed. If she could get his body back to how it was, maybe at least they could pretend he was better and move on…
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CW: Medical abuse, descriptions of non-con, themes of survivor's guilt & PTSD
Enjar could see him.
Viktor.
Everywhere he looked.
Every time he blinked.
In every nook and cranny.
The silence of the forest was filling his head, making it feel like cotton was crammed into his skull.
Someone was speaking, it was getting closer… Viktor must be sneaking up on him.
“Get away from me!” He screamed, looking at the person in front of him.
Anna’s voice cracked as she spoke up, “Enjar, it’s me. Anna. See. Look at me… Please…”
Enjar’s eyes focused on Anna’s face and-
‘Wait… no that… that is Anna. My sister… I want her.’
Enjar reached out for her, as best he could in the cuffs, whimpering like a hyperventilating toddler, “A-A-A-A-An…”
Anna wrapped her arms around him tightly. She was warm and smelled nice. She always smelled nice, she liked collecting perfumes.
‘What else does she like? She likes gardening, and working at the university, and…’ Enjar’s eyes grew wide as Anna’s hand met the back of his head, stroking him from the top of his head to the end of his neck.
It felt so good. Anna was here and she was with him, and she would protect him. Burying his head in the crook of her neck, Enjar began to bawl his eyes out, clinging on to Anna for dear life.
He heard someone saying her name over and over… Him.
His voice.
He was saying her name. It was like a light switched on in his mind and he came crashing back into his body, groaning as he relaxed in Anna’s arms with a shaky breath.
“Nghhh… Anna…”
Anna nodded, continuing to soothe him. “I’m here, I’m here…” Enjar pulled back, fiddling with his blanket and moving to wipe his eye, before the restraints stopped him. Anna wiped the tears away, the dressing on his face coming loose as tears weakened the seal.
He was making a strange grunting sounds, like when a baby was trying to stop itself from crying. Anna lay him back rubbing his chest and holding his hand as he began to catch his breath.
“Just breathe, En… That’s it, just breathe.” This wasn’t the first time he had had a panic attack, but this was nothing like his others. He felt drained of energy as he lay back, Anna continuing to rub his chest.
He felt so small and exposed, the room was too bright, giving him a headache. “Eyes… Light… H-Hurt…”
Anna frowned, processing the request for a second, before leaving his side to go and flick off the light. He felt so cold without her there.
“Anna…” He whined, looking over to her as she flicked off the light.
“I’m here.” She reassured him, rubbing his chest again. He lifted his left arm, the one that didn’t feel weird and reached for over for Anna’s hand.
“Hmmm…” He groaned, happier. Anna nodded, continuing to rub Enjar’s chest as he groaned.
“That’s it… That’s it…” Ringing began in Enjar’s head, causing him to moan loudly, his left arm reaching for his forehead, his right feeling tingly, both strapped to the bed and frustrating him.
As Anna’s eyes trailed over Enjar’s body slowly, looking for anything, she held in a small gasp when they saw the massive hand shaped bruises on his legs, Anna looking to his arms and realising that the bruises she had been looking at this whole time weren’t from the attack. SHe could've kicked herself.
How had she not put it together before now?
Enjar whined, feeling cold and exposed. ‘I want to wrap myself in 100 layers of kevlar…’ He thought as watched with wide, scared eyes as the man who had attacked him in that forest crept around his room, seemingly teleporting into his vision everywhere he looked.
“What do you see?” Anna asked, but Enjar couldn’t answer, he couldn’t make his mouth work.
“Nnnnhh…” He moaned, lying back and closing his eyes.
“Enjar? Tell me what’s wrong.” Anna asked, sounding worried. Enjar wasn’t sure what any of those words meant.
He felt floaty… tingly… like he was drifting away…
Was this it? Was he finally dying? Was he free?
“Hey…” Someone was shaking him awake. “You need to stay awake for me.”
It was that nurse again.
He was back.
Fuck.
“Mnnnn, g’way…” Enjar mumbled, shivering as he opened his eyes. His left arm moved to weakly try and shove whoever it was off him, but it only found dead air, as the restraints held him back. The dressing on his face had come loose, but it was comforting to be able to open both at the same time and actually look around. He could hear voices.
“He’s coming around.” Enjar tried to lift his right arm but it still felt weird, numb and somehow also achy.
“Hey, look at me.” Anna spoke, low and calm, only just hiding the wobble in it. Enjar turned his eyes to look at the face he didn’t recognise and asked with a gravelly whisper.
“You…?” The face smiled, nodding.
“Yes. Me. I’m here, E- Just please come to back to me.”
Enjar shivered again, looking down to see his chest rising and falling fast as he panted through the tail end of his panic attack. He made a distressed whine, the hand of the face slowly cupping his cheek, as he leaned into it with a shuddering sigh.
“Hey, you’re okay.” Anna comforted him.
“Anna…” Enjar mumbled, looking around for her. He wanted to see Anna…
He groaned, trying to make his mind think right. He felt so cold, he felt fuzzy inside.
“Smthss…” He mumbled, the ringing in his head rising again. “I… hnnnngh…”
Enjar cringed, closing his eyes as he curled up a little, Anna felt his forehead. It felt skin felt warm. He shivered as he looked at the IV. It seemed to be sucking his blood from his arm instead of putting stuff in it.
“Huh….” He mumbled in confusion, bending his elbow. He gasped in pain, trying to bend his elbow again, but it didn’t work. Enjar threw his head back, gritting his teeth and crying out in confusion and fear.
Anna’s voice appeared from somewhere and Enjar felt her touch his head, stroking his hair again. She hushed him, trying to calm him down but it was all too much.
Everything was too much. Enjar shuddered as his mind went cloudy, the energy draining from his veins in seconds. He cried out, afraid and hurting as something cold and wet touched his sore arm. Whimpering, he leaned into Anna’s hand, the darkness consuming him.
~~
Anna watched as Enjar’s whimpers grew smaller and quieter. He was shaking badly, having gone from screaming, writhing and crying a few minutes ago to quiet whimpering and quivering. His head suddenly became heavy in her hand, a sigh leaving him as he passed out.
At that second, Dr Lauge walked in, looking bored.
He nodded at Anna, leaving the room. Anna looked up as he returned with the nurse, panicked. She leaned over her unconscious brother protectively, glaring at them.
“I heard screaming. Please let me see the patient.”
Anna leaned in closer, “No. Not until you tell me what you’re going to do.”
Dr Lauge sighed in annoyance quickly, his eyes flicking as they rolled.
“I just need to check his vitals, and ensure that he is okay. I’ll hardly touch him.” He flicked on a bright, kind smile as he snapped on his gloves, his expression was night and day from before.
The nurse hovered in the background, glowering as she prepared some medication. Lauge felt for Enjar’s pulse on his neck, his other hand resting on his chest, before pulling out his stethoscope.
He pulled the top of Enjar’s patient gown down, exposing his chest and listening in a few places. Anna frowned slightly as she watched his like a hawk. She couldn’t help but notice how much weight Enjar had lost.
His muscle mass had shrunk, he used to love showing it off to her and now all those years of work was gone. His cheeks were hollow and his chest was flatter, his ribs and collarbones more visible than she’d ever seen them before. Lauge shined a light in his eyes for a moment, before stepping back with a tired sigh, examining a heart monitor. “Combination of fatigue and overstimulation. His vitals are fine. He just needs rest. Perhaps you should go home and leave him to recover for a while.”
Anna stood fast, she wasn’t going anywhere. The doctor and nurse duo gave her a very bad feeling. Joanna came over with a syringe.
“Ahh, good, a top up of his sedative. This should keep him a bit calmer. Prevent him from reacting as strongly to the nightmares.” Lauge explained, the honey dripping off his words. His entire tone had changed, to warm and comfortable, his voice soft and low as he administered the medication.
“This should be perfect.” Lauge mumbled, handing the syringe to Joanna, as he stroked Enjar’s hair.
“You poor thing…” He smiled softly. Looking up at Anna, who felt a confused twist in her chest, he smiled.
“Do you want a blanket? Anything?” He had clued into the fact she wasn’t going to leave, not that he could force her. His patient wasn't technically here and she wasn't a visitor. This room was "under maintenence". Security would ask too many questions.
“No, thank you.” Anna replied, remaining civil, returning the warmness. Maybe she was imagining things?
Dr Lauge must be a tired, busy guy, perhaps his emotions got the best of him. Besides, he was a doctor, he couldn’t be hurting En, if he was healing him? You could trust them, right?
She must be too stressed, she needed rest… Sitting by Enjar’s side, she held his limp right hand and stroked circles into his skin with her thumb… her eyelids growing heavier…
~~
Enjar managed to sleep for a few hours, before he woke up screaming again, thrashing in his limbs in the restraints. Anna had been dozing in one of the chairs when it had happened, her eyes snapping open as she rushed over to Enjar’s side, trying to calm him down.
His eyes were wild as he tired to fight her off, slurring and moaning panicked sounds, before eventually breaking down into tears.
He ended up sobbing for an hour before he finally passed out again, Anna going back to her chair and falling asleep. He had only had about 10 minutes of sleep when the doctor from before, Dr Lauge returned, clicking on the nearby lamp.
He talked to himself in a hushed voice, the doctor seemingly realising Anna was alseep, “Yes, wake up, pretty boy… That’s it, time for a gown change…”
Enjar awoke as he heard the rustling of sheets, feeling the doctor pull them down. His stomach sank, he knew what was about to happen. He’d lost count of how many times they had done this, every IV change, bed wash and catheter replacement…
Lauge would come and “check” him. They assessed his injuries, Enjar’s low, pained moans escaping him as he followed the instructions, flexing, squeezing and pointing his hands and fingers, pulling his face in different directions…
Then, it began.
Dr Lauge administered some drugs, and stood over his patient, waiting for them to take affect. Enjar felt his body go heavy and limp after a few minutes of waiting, his eyes glazing over as Lauge removed his restraints.
He wanted to thrash and fight, but his body was too heavy, too sluggish…
Joanna appeared and they removed his patient gown, leaving him exposed to the cold air completely. Enjar stared at the ceiling in silence as the doctor moved to the catheter, snapping on gloves.
Enjar closed his eyes, shaking as his new IV was stabbed into his left arm.
Lauge’s hands gently examined him, checking the tube and replacing it, before he gently stroked Enjar’s stomach. He only did it a few times, but the smirk on his face grew as his hand went lower.
Enjar’s eyes squeezed tighter as he felt the doctor massage his thighs and hips, before he heard Lauge’s voice, sounding gleeful... sinisterly gleeful.
“Your sister can’t save you now…”
A low groan emerged from the doctor as he grabbed Enjar's groin, squeezing it hard. Enjar felt the tears prick in his eyes as the hands felt him, moving up and down and stroking his most vulnerable part…
He hated that he could feel his body reacting against his will… betraying him.
“Yeeees, see…? You do want it…” The doctor groaned as the nurse stepped closer. Enjar quivered as he felt her fingers enter him, gently thrusting in and out, but he bit his lip, holding back the sobs…
They couldn’t win. It would be over soon, anyway. He wanted nothing more than for Anna to wake up at that moment…
As he felt a strange, warm release… and then a wet tongue, licking it off his skin.
“Why…?” Enjar whispered, distant eyes locking with Lauge.
“Why? Lauge asked, grinning wickedly. “Why…? Well, because I can. I’m taking advantage of a situation I will never have again and no one can stop me.”
He felt a hand stroke his hair as the hands finally left him, then a new gown being draped over him. He could feel the rough fabric dragging over the head of his sensitive, stimulated body, and it made him want to throw up.
He could see the small tent it made.
The sight of it made him sick.
Hot breath danced over Enjar’s skin as Lauge whispered in his ear.
“Good boy… I’m glad you like it too… I’ll see you in the morning…”
Enjar shuddered as the doctor’s hot breath filled his ear, and the awful feeling as the doctor gently bit it. The restraints clamped back on around his limbs and he began to silently cry, as the two monsters left the room. “Anna…” He whispered, though through the drugs it sounded more like “Nnnnnugh…”
~~
Anna looked over at Enjar, who had started moaning in his sleep again, mumbling her name. She listened to the rain still hitting the window, and glanced at her watch: 3:45 am.
“Ahhnnnnughh!” He cried out again. Anna got up to find Enjar lying in bed distressed and in tears. But he didn’t seem to be upset about a dream… This seemed different.
“Enni, what’s wrong…?” She murmured, sitting his bed up and hugging him. He shook in his restraints, but his head flopped forward, like he couldn’t hold it up. Turning on the lamp, Anna hugged her brother as he shook in her arms, trying to hold her, but the restraints…
“What happened?” She asked, concerned as she stroked his face… The dressings were new.
“Dhhh…trrrrrr” Enjar slurred, his pupils blown wide.
Anna’s eyes grew wide, was her brother drugged? “Enni, what happened?” She lifted his head, lying him back in the bed and sitting beside him, holding his hands.
“Dhhhtrrrrrr…” Enjar mumbled, “Tsssshhhmee…”
“Do you want the doctor?” She asked, reaching for the call button.
“Noononnnnnooonononoooo…” Enjar began mumbling, tears starting again.
“Heh…touchhhmee…”
Anna’s body froze.
“What do you mean?” She asked, looking at Enjar’s face. She gently reached for a tissue and began to wipe his face clean of tears and snot.
“He… touchnnn… evrrryywhrrr…” Enjar slurred, his eyes shutting. Anna looked over her brother’s body. His patient gown seemed to be new, maybe they had woken him up changing him, freaking him out…
“Shhhh, I’m here now… I won’t let them hurt you… You’ve always been there for me, I’ll be right here for you…” She smiled, lowering Enjar’s bed to a more comfortable sleeping position, and pulling her chair up.
She leaned over and stroked his face, smiling. “Remember when we were kids? You were always there, even if you were annoying.”
A ghost of a smiled danced over her brother’s half concealed face as she began to recount her favourite memories of their childhood together…
Enjar and Anna: 16 and 13
“En, stop it!” Anna groaned as Enjar flicked another tiny paper ball at her face.
“En, stop iiiiiiiittttt.” He mimicked her in an annoying, high-pitched voice.
“Ugh, you’re so annoying, I hate you!” Anna grumbled, turning back to her homework.
Another tiny paper ball hit her ear.
“Oh my god, Enjar!” She swivelled in her chair, looking at him with the angriest glare she could muster.
“Get out of my room you annoying idiot!”
Enjar, who was sprawled out on her bed snorted, flicking another tiny paper ball at her. “Hey, just be glad they aren’t spit balls.” He grinned wickedly. Anna grabbed her heavy stone paperweight, raising it above Enjar’s hand.
“Flick one more ball at me and I’ll break your fingers.”
Enjar smirked, “You wouldn’t.” He sneered.
Anna jerked, Enjar pulling his hand away and surrendering.
“Okay, okay… Jeez.”
Anna scoffed. “Don’t you have homework to do too?”
Enjar sighed, the lanky 16 year old laying back in her bed, his arms tucked behind his head. “Yeah, and?”
Anna widened her eyes, shaking her head at him. “And… Go do it, dummy.”
Enjar chuckled, “Nahhhh, finished it.”
Raising her eyebrows, Anna looked down her nose at him. “Really?” Enjar nodded.
“Pulled an all nighter, cause I’m just that good. Gonna go camping this weekend and Anders would murder me if I turned in my English homework late again.”
Anna scowled, going back to her homework. “If you’re not gonna help, then go away.”
Enjar rolled his eyes, groaning dramatically as he sat up. “What’s not makin’ sense Anna Banana?” Anna groaned as Enjar leaned over her, an arm on each side of the table, peering at her homework.
“Ahhhh, that’s not right.” He said, pointing at the equation she had just written.
“What do you mean?” She frowned, looking at her work. “You’re using cosine, should be using the sine. See, you’re trying to find that angle, so change that to 71 and that to 94 and…”
Anna did the calculation, looking at the textbook answer. “Oh… I see.”
Enjar stood straighter, laughing. “See, who said I didn’t know stuff?” He leaned down to Anna’s ear, smirking, before licking it.
“ENJAR!” Anna screamed, shooting up from her chair and pushing him out of her room. “You’re so gross! Go away, you stupid boy!”
Enjar smiled cockily. “You’ll thank me later!” The door slammed in his face, and Anna could hear him chuckle and walk away. She looked back at her work, stupid Enjar was right. She had been using the wrong rule.
She redid the equations, getting every single one right…
Stupid Enjar.
17 and 14
“Boo!” Enjar whispered in Anna’s ear.
Anna screamed, spinning around and smacking her older brother in the face.
“Oh, you’ve done it now!” Enjar tackled Anna, the two wrestling on the ground roaring with laughter. Enjar may be bigger and stronger than Anna, but today, she was determined not to let him win. Her knee shot up, landing square between Enjar’s legs.
Enjar choked on his laughs, eyes going wide as he curled up a little and whining as his body went stiff, landing on his side. Anna took her chance, jumping on top of him and pinning him down, counting to 10.
Enjar wiggled and squirmed at around 6, trying to escape, but Anna had him held firmly to the ground.
“And 10! I win.” She got up, dusting herself off and walking away. Enjar sat up, looking hurt.
“Hey!” He got up, limping slightly after her. “That hurt!”
Anna turned around, pouting. “Aww, well maybe you shouldn’t sneak up on me.” She grinned wickedly, skipping away to her room and slamming the door.
18 and 15
“What did you do? Headbutt a wall?” Enjar asked, raising his eyebrows as he gently held the ice pack against Anna’s forehead. “No.” She crossed her arms, going pink. She could smell the mint on Enjar’s breath as he chewed his gum.
“Did it happen at school?” He asked, looking slightly concerned.
“No… after. On the bus.”
Enjar snorted, poking her arm with his finger, the chipped black nail polish almost gone. “Come ooooooon, Tell me, Anna Banana.”
Enjar leaned back in the dining chair, reaching for a damp cloth to wipe the blood on her lip. He grunted softly as he leaned in close, his gross, strong smelling deodorant overpowering Anna’s nose as he gently padding her bruised lip, carefully avoiding her braces.
“Don’t call me that!” Anna whined as Enjar pulled the cloth back.
“I’ll stop if you tell me what happened.” He teased, his grin revealing the bright green gum between his teeth. Anna avoided his stare, going even redder.
“I kissed Mikkel on the bus, but it stopped suddenly and we head butted each other. My braces vut my lip and it gushed everywhere.” She bit her lip as she felt her face burn. Looking into her lap, she saw Enjar lean back in her peripheral vision, trying to stop himself from laughing.
She looked up at him, he was leaning back, hand clamped tightly over his mouth the other gripping the table for support as his eyes began to water. He was shaking his head, trying not to loose his cool.
“It’s not funny!” Anna moaned, grabbing the ice pack and putting it back against the egg on her forehead.
“…yes it is…” Enjar squeaked, before exploding into a fit of laughter, cackling evilly for a solid minute, before sighing and wiping his eyes.
“Ahhhh, that’s beautiful.” He teased, “True love at it’s finest.”
Anna pouted, “Shut up, you don’t even have a girlfriend.” Enjar grinned, “No, but I can tease you about your boyfriend!”
Anna sighed, “He’s not my boyfriend!” she whined.
“Hmmm? We’ll see.” Enjar smirked, leaning back in to nurse her lip again.
19 and 16
She knocked on her big brother’s door, sniffing. Loud, awful metal music was blasting from his shitty speakers, it wasn’t surprising he couldn’t hear her.
She hit the door louder. Inside she heard a groan, then some shuffling. Her brother answered the door, looking down at her with tired eyes.
“Whaddyou want?” He mumbled, taking in her face. Anna wiped her red, puffy eyes and sniffed again. She couldn’t bring herself to say it.
She watched Enjar’s face soften, turning to one of concern as he opened the door more.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Ann?” He frowned, looking up and down the hallway, before putting his hand on her shoulder and pulling her inside.
His room was dark, covered in edgy band posters and smelled… well it smelled like a sweaty teen boy’s room. It was surprisingly neat, only a few dirty clothes laying at the end of his bed and some drawings scattered over his desk. Enjar guided her over to his bed, sitting her down and turning off the music.
“Ann?” He asked again, looking at her with worry, pulling her close.
She rested her head against him, catching a slight whiff of his armpit, but she couldn't be bothered to gag dramatically like normal.
Enjar’s body was illuminated by the setting sun, her brother wearing only a loose pair of black sweatpants. His skin was slightly sticky from the warm, evening humidity. He gazed at her, her pretty party dress and makeup that she had painstakingly applied less than an hour ago, now smudged and ruined.
“I-I-I…” She stuttered, her sobs catching up to her.
“Shh, take a breath, what happened?” Enjar rubbed her back, tucking his long fringe behind his ear.
He really needed a haircut, he looked like Gerard Way if he'd taken up living in a Danish sewer.
“Tell me what happened.”
His voice was soft, caring even, but there was an undertone of concern, even anger.
“I was-was at the p-party, Maria’s 17th. An-And I saw M-Mikkel, with… He kissed Sabrina.” Anna burst into tears again, Enjar pulling her close and hugging her tightly.
“Awww, Anna I’m sorry.”
Anna nodded, as Enjar shushed her, soothing her until her crying subsided.
“You done now? You’re getting mascara all over my massive, muscular pecs.” He joked, flexing a little, his chest muscles barely shifting as he tensed his skinny arms. He had been starting to get more definition since he'd started going to the gym now he was graduated from school. He really wanted to be strong enough when the draft came around.
Anna chuckled, sniffing, before lifting her face away from his arm.
“Yeah…? Dream on…”
She sniffed, “Also, you smell bad.”
She giggled, watching as Enjar flexed his not so massive nor muscular pecs. “Hold on.” He said, getting up and going to the clothes at the end of the bed. He pulled on a baggy t-shirt, then wrestled on his Doc Martens. They were dull, black leather ones with scuffed up toes he’d found at some thrift store. He rummaged around in his desk drawers, looking for something, then, turned around, holding up some car keys with a wicked grin.
“How ‘bout you and I go for a little drive?”
Anna sat in the car as Enjar slid in a CD. “And this band, my little sister, is called Slipknot.”
Anna watched as Enjar drove into the night, tapping the steering wheel with his fingers to the beat. The music was strangely cathartic as Anna listened to the loud music blasting from the poor car’s speakers. They pulled up to Maria’s house, the pop music and lights blaring from inside as Enjar got out of the car.
“You wanna come?” He asked, looking to Anna as she got out. She nodded, her face now clean from the tear streaked makeup.
“Good. You’re gonna enjoy this.”
The boy grinned, cracking his knuckles. Enjar knocked on the door, before opening it, Anna following in close behind. Enjar spotted Anna’s former boyfriend making out with some blonde chick, sneaking up behind him and planting a hand on his shoulder.
Mikkel pulled back from Sabrina, turning around to see Enjar scowling at him, only for a big grin beginning to creep over his face, as he growled.
“Hey, punk.”
Mikkel went pale, spotting Anna behind Enjar and trying to save face he snapped back at her.
“Ooooh, so you got your big brother to come solve all your problems, Annie?”
Enjar’s blue-grey eyes flickered, her brother chuckling. “Yeah, actually. Cause unlike you, I care about her.”
Mikkel squirmed as Enjar’s grip got tighter. The older boy was slightly stronger than Mikkel, maybe his weekly gym workouts were starting to take effect after all? Enjar pulled the boy close, nose to nose with him.
“Listen to me, shit for brains. I’m feeling nice tonight, so I’m gonna let you go, but if you so much as look at her again, I will end you. Got it?”
Mikkel’s legs sagged as he nodded, the blood draining from his face, all courage in him going with it.
“Good.” Enjar purred, before shoving the boy away from him and walking smoothly towards the door. He ignored everyone staring at him until he reached the entrance, turning around and sneering at all the teens.
“Don’t worry, everyone. Just go back to your dancing and underage drinking, we’re all good here.”
He gave a little salute before sliding out the door, just for good measure.
As he got to the car, he heard a shout.
“Hey! Loser!”
Enjar paused, Anna looking out from her seat as she slid into the car. Enjar patted the door, putting his keys in his pocket and holding up a finger.
“One moment, Ann.”
She watched as he spun around, sauntering over to Mikkel. They were evenly matched in height, and both lanky teens. Enjar did have more bulk than he did, but not by much.
It was going to be a close fight.
“You embarrassed me in front of everyone!” Mikkel yelled. Enjar shrugged.
“Shoulda thought about that before cheating on my sister, shit for brains.”
Mikkel puffed up, going red. “Don’t call me that!”
Enjar shrugged again, “Ah, I’m just pointing out the truth.” He was starting to get cocky. Mikkel clenched his fists, growling. Enjar grinned, watching him get angrier.
“Aww, what you gonna do? Hit me?”
Anna gasped as Mikkel punched Enjar right in the eye, only for Enjar to grab his arm and twist it behind Michael’s back. He turned the teen to face the window that the entire party was staring out of.
“Say hi to the audience, Mikkel!” Enjar grabbed Mikkel’s spare arm and waved it to the crowd. The boy squirmed in his grip, but Enjar held him tight.
“Now give them a bow.” He folded Mikkel over, forcing him to bow at the party. Everyone was laughing at him now.
“I warned you.” Enjar murmured in his ear venomously. “Are you gonna come apologise to Anna now? Or will I keep going?”
Mikkel quivered, “A-apologise.”
Enjar grinned, “Good.” He marched the sad excuse for a tough guy over to the car, keeping his arm pinned behind him. Anna wound down the window, looking up at her brother.
“Someone has something to say.” Enjar grunted, keeping the struggling teen’s arm tightly held.
“I’m sorry.” Mikkel muttered.
“Hmm, I don’t think you are.” Enjar growled, pulling the arm tighter.
“I’m sorry I made you upset.” Mikel murmured, wincing a little.
“Hmm, what do you think?” Enjar drawled looking to Anna, who suddenly lit up.
“Let him go En.” She smiled, as Enjar let her now defintely ex-boyfriend go. He rubbed his arm, as Anna stepped out of the car, her party dress glittering under the streetlight.
“Mikkel, we’re done.” Anna smiled before lifting up her own fist and punching the boy right in the nose. Blood began gushing out as Mikkel gaped in shock. “And that’s for giving my brother a black eye.”
She got back into the car, Enjar sliding in behind the wheel and waved sweetly at Mikkel as the car revved to life. Anna smiled as the sound of Slipknot filled the street, before winding up her window and blowing the ex a kiss, the car speeding off down the road.
10 minutes later, Enjar and Anna sat on the hood of the car, eating ice creams in the car park of the petrol station. Enjar had his arm around her, as they stared at the night sky.
“I should complement you on your right hook.” He chuckled, amused.
Anna laughed, “I learned from the best...” She deflated a little.
“Hey, I know you’re sad but it’s good it’s over. He wasn’t treating you right. You deserve a better guy than him. Besides, you’re 16, you’ve got plenty of time to find a new guy.”
Enjar ruffled her hair as she giggled, looking up at his slowly darkening black eye.
“What are you gonna tell Mama?”
Enjar shrugged, “Eh, I’ll figure it out. Probably say I smacked my face on something while head banging to Rammstein.”
Anna laughed again, that was something her brother had done before. He wasn't allowed to listen to Sabaton in the house anymore.
Finishing her ice cream, she got back in the car.
They drove home in silence, sneaking back into the dark house and rushing to Enjar’s room.
“Shhh…” He hushed her as he tried to stop himself from laughing. He shut his door slowly, before sighing and going to his bed, jumping onto it and landing heavily on the mattress. He turned to see Anna standing in his room, looking dejected.
“What’s up?” He asked, leaning up on his elbows, worry on his face.
“Am I gonna be cursed?” Anna asked, looking at Enjar, who frowned, confused.
“Uhhh-”
Anna slid onto the bed next to him, wrapping her arms around his body and resting her head by his heart. She listened to the quiet beating, before Enjar’s voice vibrated his chest.
“I don’t think you’re cursed. I think you just had a shitty boyfriend. You’ll be fine.”
Enjar grunted as he lowered himself down, stroking Anna’s hair. “I’ll always be here to protect you.” He mumbled, Anna nodding.
Soon, Enjar’s fingers dancing through her hair calmed her enough to put her to sleep. When she woke hour’s later, her brother was sprawled out beneath her, one arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders as he snored slightly.
Smiling, Anna went back to sleep, knowing her brother would always be there to protect her.
~
Smiling sadly, Anna looked at her brother’s sleeping form. The brother she knew, the one who made bad jokes and sang bad, drunken karaoke…
The brother who had promised to protect her…
He was gone.
Dead.
Replaced by this shadow of a man, who flinched at every touch and cried himself to sleep, then woke up screaming. Who hadn’t eaten in a week, loosing weight by the day, the haunted expression on his face and in his eyes…
Anna sat beside him on the bed, leaning in and breathing in his scent and listening to him sleep. She just wanted her brother back.
“It’s my turn to protect you, now. Until you come back to me.” She mumbled, stroking his soft hair as he slept.
~~
Poor Enjar had maybe had two or three hours of actual sleep, and now she watched as he jerked awake again, hyperventilating. Anna was slumped in her chair, dosing. She got up and immediately began to comfort him.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey…” She whispered, going to Enjar’s side. He looked at her, scared and afraid, searching her eyes for something.
“I keep waking up there…” He finally murmured, Anna looking at the shadows under his eyes, bigger and darker than ever. “I keep seeing him. Everyone is dead Anna…”
“I know, I know…” Anna whispered, wiping the tears from his face. She stroked his cheek until he calmed down, his sobs becoming shuddering breaths as he finally relaxed.
Enjar glanced around, noticing the room, “Hmm… what are they?” He pointed awkwardly, with a shaking hand at the vase of flowers beside the bed.
“I went shopping earlier but you never noticed.” Anna smiled, tucking some hair off of Enjar’s sweating face. A cheap, white vase was full of bright, colourful orchids.
“Here, let me turn on the light.” Anna groaned, easing out of the chair. She flicked the light on, before returning to Enjar’s side.
“Move over.” She shoved him playfully, Enjar shifting gingerly to the left edge of the bed. Anna climbed onto it, snuggling into his right shoulder as he stared at the flowers.
“I like them…” He whispered, his voice hoarse.
“Good. They were really expensive.” Anna yawned. She felt Enjar’s shoulder jerk a little, looking up at him in concern. But Enjar wasn’t crying, he was smiling with a gentle, slightly pained, lopsided smile. He snorted quietly again, looking down at her, snuggled close to his body.
Gently, he went to wrap his left arm around her protectively, but the restraint stopped him, so he put his head against hers instead.
“Thank you…” He whispered, Anna nodding.
“You don’t need to thank me, I know you’d do this for me.” She looked up at him.
“I got some other stuff too, wanna see?” Enjar nodded, curious. Anna slid off the bed and went to the bag, rummaging around until she found the packet of gummy bears.
“You hungry?” Enjar melted, smiling that lopsided smile again. It was growing on Anna, it was endearing, made him look cute.
“Not really…” He murmured, clearing his throat.
“Okay…” She looked Enjar up and down unsure, and he glanced away, sheepish.
“Come onnnnnn, I know you like the red ones.” Anna opened the bag, holding out the bag of gummy bears. Enjar pursed his lips a little, swallowing. She knew he was drooling. Picking up a gummy bear, Anna threw it in the air, catching it in her mouth and chomping down on it. She pulled the chair up to the bed, repeating the process again.
Enjar stared at her as she picked up a third, red gummy bear from the bag, she held it out for him. Begrudgingly, Enjar’s lips parted a bit, and she placed it in his mouth.
“Well your food preferences are still intact.” She giggled, grabbing another bear and aiming it at her brother. He opened his mouth and Anna placed it on his tongue. She grabbed a handful, putting them in her hand and fed him slowly, then held up the second packet she'd bought.
“Hey, what about these?” She smirked, opening the bag and grabbing a handful of the yellow bananas. Enjar hummed, smirking slightly.
For a second, Anna saw the ghost of her former brother, grinning his wicked grin.
“Anna Banana…” He mumbled quietly. Anna looked up from her snack innocently. This was exactly what she had wanted. “Hmm? Did you want one?” She held out a banana, watching as Enjar’s shaking hand reached out for one.
She stood, feeding him one, laughing as Enjar ate it, mumbling again.
“Anna Banana.”
Anna began to giggle, looking at Enjar, who was confused. “What?” He asked, his voice faint and rough. “You haven’t called me that since we were kids!” She laughed for a while, before sighing.
“I thought you hated that nickname.” Enjar croaked, reaching for the packet of gummy bears. “No, I just found you annoying.” Anna sighed, looking up at him.
Enjar shrugged, “That was kinda the point…” He cleared his throat again. “All this screaming mustn’t be doing my voice any good…” He mumbled, coughing a little more, groaning and lying back. “Can I have some water?”
Anna stood, grabbing a cup of water and a straw, gently helping her brother drink. He seemed to relax a little more, lying back and closing his eyes.
“Tired…” He whispered, seemingly about to fall asleep.
Joanna chose that moment to come in.
She mumbled, looking at Enjar’s arms. Anna looked up at her brother, who had suddenly gone quiet. He retreated into his bed eyeing Joanna nervously. She glanced at Anna, the flowers and the packets of lollies.
“Oh, you’re still here.” She mumbled, looking over Enjar’s arms. She went over to his left side, examinng the fresh IV, Enjar’s breaths catching as she held down his arm. He flinched as he touched her, looking at Anna with scared eyes.
CW: Medical abuse, non-con themes, suicidal ideation, survivor's guilt
“6926, you have to eat.” The nurse Joanna sighed, as Enjar turned his head, refusing the food.
He didn’t even open his mouth to complain.
Joanna tried jabbing the plastic spoon at the man’s lips, but he was too fast.
“Please.” She put on her most sympathetic voice. ‘You’re a fully grown man, get a grip and eat.’ She thought.
Enjar glared at her, lips tightly shut, pressing the left side of his face into the pillow. It would be painful, pressing a fresh scar like that, so the fact he was doing that… what was this guy’s deal?
“Please. Come on, it’s vanilla pudding. It tastes so good and you haven’t eaten for two days.” She smiled softly, the spoon slowly creeping up the the man’s lips. His cold eyes looked at her, scaring her.
She was glad he was still restrained, he looked ready to kill.
Two days ago, 6926 had decided to stop co-operating. They had removed him from the restraints to take him for a toilet and shower, but he had immediately begun clawing at his IV, ripping it out of his elbow, then trying to rip off his dressings. He had been relegated to bed pans, but refused to use them, instead choosing to wet the bed every time he needed to piss. That was also around the time he’d stopped eating.
When he wasn’t moaning in pain, thrashing around and screaming for someone to kill him, which Joanna was very tempted to do at this point, he stared blankly at the ceiling, spaced out. He would stare all day and all night, only sleeping when his tired body passed out, and even then, he’d wake up screaming.
“6926.” She huffed in exasperation, “Fine. I’m getting help.” The nurse left, bringing in the young, pretty thing, hoping a girl more his age might be able to sweet talk him into eating.
“Hey 6926… Jo says you aren’t eating. Can you eat for me?” The pretty young nurse, Karolina leaned forward, smiling sweetly, hoping her scrubs revealed a bit of cleavage as her hand came to rest on his chest. It felt nice, he was in good shape.
Karolina smirked, briefly thinking that she should get in on the next bedwash, to get a better… view. She took the pudding from Joanna and tried poking it at him. “Come oooonnnnn.” She cooed, leaning in closer. The man was as stubborn as an ox, staring straight ahead, lips sealed tightly.
“Let’s just force it.” Joanna groaned, ripping the pillow from under 6926, and grabbing his head roughly, yanking it to the side and holding it down as she pried his jaw open. The left side of 6926’s face, the one with the injury was now pressed against the bed harder than ever.
Karolina spooned some of the thick, sickly sweet, yellow pudding into the back of the man’s throat as he thrashed and gagged in the restraints. Joanna’s strong arms held his head in place, pressing it hard against the bed, 6926 writhing and choking as her fingers pushed his skull into the pillow. His limbs jerked in the restraints as he tried to fight off the nurses, choking down the pudding as he groaned in agony.
~~
The pudding was sliding down this throat, he could feel the thick slime going down… but it was the taste of something else that sparked an idea in his head. Choking down the pudding as best he could, he felt Joanna’s finger get further and further into his mouth in an effort to keep it open.
“Good boy…” Joanna drawled with condescension in her voice, like he was a toddler who decided to eat his veggies. Out of all the nurses, she was the one Enjar liked the least, and this was why. She and that doctor… Dr Lauge were close, very close. Enjar had heard them flirting with each other, when they thought he was asleep last night during his dressing change, and both of them were creeps.
The second spoonful of pudding entered his mouth and Enjar felt the fingers on his teeth adjust to make room for it. He bit down, hard.
Joanna screamed as he locked his jaw on her thumbs, pressing down as hard as he could. He tasted blood, biting down harder until he felt something inside make a satisfying crunch. Letting go, he spat out the blood and pudding, turning his head away. He knew they wouldn’t try that again.
“Fine. You’re gonna get more infusions.” Joanna scowled, stomping off to nurse her damaged thumbs.
Enjar peeked over at the young nurse, looking her dead in the eyes, his whispering voice pleading with her as he asked, “Kill me…”
The young girl’s eyes grew dark and she scowled. Leaving room, Enjar stared after her, wishing she would just mercifully end him. Joanna came back a while later with two other nurses, roughly changing the bedsheets with Enjar still in them, yanked to each side of the bed and rolled onto his delicate arms.
He cried out in pain, the woman scoffing, “Shut up. That’s payback for biting my fingers you sick fuck.”
She pulled out a tube from a packet with a sickening grin.
“However, I talked to Dr Lauge, he approved for you to have an NG tube.”
Enjar’s eyes grew wide as the two other nurses sat him up, Joanna measuring the tube up. He jerked away from them all, turning his head, only for hands to clamp down on his head like a vice, yanking it to the side to centre it.
Tears streamed from his eyes as he quaked in his restraints, his neck hurting as it was held down. He screamed in pain and fear as the tube was pushed into his nose and down his throat, gagging on it through choked sobs.
Finally it ended, and the hands left him, the bruises already forming on his face and shoulders. The tape holding it in place was stuck uncomfortably to his nose and he couldn’t peel it off. He cried and shook as he watched the fluid being pushed down the tube from a syringe, and into his stomach.
Later, Enjar was instead hooked up to more fluids, Liquid Life as Enjar had decided to call it. He would stare at it all day, wishing he could rip it from the stand and pour it out. He didn’t deserve to be alive, not when his team was gone.
But now, he was stuck in this eternal hell… As he fell asleep, he began to pray that he wouldn’t wake up in the morning, the next morning the sun rose, and he survived another night.
~~
A week into his hospitalisation, Enjar was awoken one night by the sound of his door opening. He remained motionless as he heard someone creep inside, keeping the right side of his face pressed firmly against the pillow.
He didn’t move, not wanting to see what was about to happen. Hopefully it was Viktor Madsen, coming to slash his throat in his sleep.
Enjar had given up. Refusing to eat or drink, kept alive by an IV that he pulled out if he wasn’t strapped down to the bed at all times. He just wanted to die, join his comrades and end this nightmare.
The dressing on his face was covering most of it, uncomfortable against his skin as he moved. It itched, a burning, annoying, painful itch that he couldn’t scratch. His hands were tied, he couldn’t move… He wished an infection would get under the dressing and wipe out his immune system, ending his miserable existence.
A light flashed, and the sound of a phone making a sound, like a camera clicking echoed in the stillness.
Enjar grunted, stirring slightly, before the hasty footsteps left the room and the door slammed shut. Enjar was too tired to wonder what that had all been about, so he just went back to sleep, willing with all his might for the end to come.
~~
Voices woke him the next day, yelling voices, the sound of… Sommer?
“-SO TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THEY GOT IT!”
He was yelling, as usual.
Enjar groaned trying to roll over and rub his eyes, but they didn’t move…
‘Wait… what?’
He opened his eye in confusion, remembering that he was restrained with a sigh, choosing instead to listen to the screaming in the hall. Sommer was berating someone, Lauge by the sounds of it.
“So, how the fuck did the press get a photo of him?! I promise you, the government will bring it’s full force down on you, if you don’t tell me how this happened, NOW!”
“Sir, we only have 5 nurses and myself on staff looking after 6926. All have denied the allegations and shown evidence that they did not take the picture. I don’t know what else I can do for you, Commander.”
Sommer grunted, hitting the wall and making it shake, as everything went quiet.
Enjar sighed at the peace and quiet as he rolled over onto his side, at least, as much as his restraints would let him. His arms where stuck to either side of him, uncomfortably. They were painful and badly bruised, and the pain prevented him from being able to slide into unconsciousness. Well, he could try at least, he was exhausted. Right now, sleep was the closest thing to death he could get.
~~
“Ah, 6926. Let’s have a little chat hmm?” Dr Lauge drawled.
Enjar ignored him, trying and failing not to flinch as the doctor began to caress his face and neck, tracing the NG tube. His thought were suddenly shattered as fingers danced over his chest for a moment, before gently cupping his face.
“I didn’t want to have to do this,” The doctor’s feigned a caring tone, “-but, given you keep refusing to use the bedpan, and urinating on your sheets... We can’t take the restraints off because we can’t trust you, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to insert a catheter, alright?”
The doctor sounded more than pleased at this news.
Enjar felt his body go cold as the doctor trailed a hand back down his neck, over his chest and grabbed the tight blankets pinning him down. Dr Lauge’s knuckles continued to trail down Enjar’s stomach as he slowly removed the blanket, leaving it collected at Enjar’s feet. Enjar gulped, not sure what was about to happen.
He still felt weird, the doctor definitely still drugging him lightly so he remained… mellow. A side affect of this, was that Enjar could barely move his heavy limbs, barely cry out and now… He couldn’t fight back.
Enjar felt tears prick in his eyes as the gown was lifted off his body, tucked up high, up to his arm pits. Stifling a sob, the young man stared at the ceiling, not enjoying the cold air on his exposed body. His skin prickled as Dr Lauge began to prepare, staring at Enjar’s body like a hungry vulture.
The doctor’s hands brushed over Enjar’s stomach, Enjar clenching it and trying to withdraw.
“No, no, don’t move, I wouldn’t want to have to mess up and do it all again…” He grinned wickedly, his hands trailing down to Enjar’s waist.
He massaged the top of Enjar’s legs, humming as they grew nearer and nearer to his groin. He caressed the skin there gently, Enjar gritted his teeth, determined not to let the man win. He wouldn’t gasp, he wouldn’t cry, that’s exactly what he wanted, and Enjar wasn’t going to give him that.
So, he set his jaw and focused on breathing evenly, feeling numb as the doctor caressed him. He wanted to shudder and fight and cry, but he was paralysed until the doctor’s hands finally left him.
“Let me just clean you up a bit, hmm?” The doctor almost taunted Enjar as he began to clean the man's skin with a rough cotton pad. It sent tingling shockwaves through Enjar, who grimaced, quivering a little.
It felt terrible.
Enjar heard the rustling of a sheet as the doctor laid everything out, preparing the procedure. They were alone together in the room, a deafening silence blanketing everything as Enjar prepared himself for what came next.
Dr Lauge held up a syringe in front of Enjar’s face. “This will help a bit, little bit of lubricant to help the tube slide riiiiight in.” He grinned as Enjar felt the doctors dancing fingers tiptoe their way down his stomach, sending shivers up his spine.
He didn’t want to know what the doctor was doing, so he lay there, still as a statue, as Dr Lauge applied the medication, feeling it fill him with a cold wash of gentle pressure.
“There we go. Little bit of numbing for you, pretty boy. This should make it… mostly painless.” Dr Lauge chuckled to himself as he immediately grabbed the tube, peeling open the packaging it was in and holding out the tip.
“Ready?” Dr Lauge smirked, Enjar steeling himself for what was about to come. He could feel the medication inside him, it wasn’t working yet, the doctor needed to wait-
He felt the tube enter him. A shocked grunt escaped Enjar, as he gritted his teeth. The pain wasn’t terrible, but the medication clearly hadn’t taken full affect yet.
“Calm down, 6926. You’re alright. If you’re good, this shouldn’t take any time at all.” Dr Lauge drawled, grinning from ear to ear as he inserted the tube.
Tears fell from Enjar’s eyes as he felt the tube plunge deeper and deeper.
“Half way.” Dr Lauge informed him. It had taken several, slow, painful minutes, but the medication seemed to have finally numbed him enough that Enjar couldn’t feel the tube snaking its way through him.
“Slight discomfort here, then we’re nearly done.” Dr Lauge mumbled, sounding almost bored as he pressed the tube in further. Enjar gasped in pain, hips bucking slightly, causing the doctor to smirk again.
“Heh, you are a cute one, hmm? Very pretty, all over…” He licked his lips as Enjar shuddered, Dr Lauge finally finishing pushing the tube through him.
“Alright, just one more step and then we’re done.” He glanced over at Enjar as the tears streamed his cheeks. The dressing on his face turned pink as the tears mixed with blood, his right cheek shining as the tears dried on his skin.
“You brought this on yourself you know. If you had been good, I wouldn’t have had to do this.” Dr Lauge spoke like he was telling a toddler they couldn’t have chocolate for dinner, his voice dripping with condescension.
“If you’re good for me from now on, I’ll make sure nothing else has to happen, but right now, I can’t trust you. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re kept nice and clean down here… personally.” The doctor grinned as he yanked the tube a little, Enjar wincing in pain.
“The balloon is in place, just let me attach the bag and we will be done.” Dr Lauge sounded annoyed.
Enjar knew the doctor wished this could have lasted longer, but he was glad it was over.
Dr Lauge left him exposed for a little longer, whilst he attached the bag. He seemed to be having ‘trouble’ attaching it, his eyes wandering constantly as he fiddled.
Finally it was all hooked up, Enjar quietly sighing in relief, only for Dr Lauge to stand over him, gazing at his body in silence, a twisted grin on his face.
“Just let me listen to your heart and lungs while I’m here.” Lauge held up a stethoscope. His hands danced over Enjar’s chest gently, feeling his ribs for a moment too long before the stethoscope was placed over his heart. Dr Lauge held it to Enjar’s skin with one hand, the other resting just below his stomach, a large reach for the doctor. That hand had no business being just above Enjar's groin, he knew that. But Enjar followed the instructions to get this done quickly, as the hand seemed to slip lower and lower.
Right before his fingertips brushed Enjar’s crotch, Dr Lauge removed his hands and sighed, smiling. He pulled the gown back down over Enjar, the sensation of the fabric causing a wave of relief to crash over him.
Enjar held in a sigh of relief for later, as the blankets were tucked tightly back down onto him. “Well, it was a pleasure, 6926. I’m afraid I have to go now, but don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow to check how everything is going. Oh, and be good for me. No more biting my nurses. Joanna will be back tomorrow now that she’s mostly healed from your vicious little attack.” He patted Enjar’s stomach, purring, the sound sending chills up Enjar’s spine.
“Why don’t you have a rest, focus on healing? I’ll handle the rest.” The doctor drawled, sending chills up Enjar’s spine, leaning over him and smiling. His hand patted Enjar’s crotch. “Sweet dreams, pretty boy.”
As the door finally clicked shut, Enjar let out the sigh of relief he had been holding in, only for it all to come crashing down around him. A wave of emotions flooded him as fat, hot tears streamed silently down his face, his body quivering in pure shock.
He couldn’t believe what had just happened to him.
It felt like a dream, but he knew it was all real. He could feel the tube taped to his leg, the memories of the dancing hands sending tingles over his skin.
Enjar hardly slept that night, instead staring at the ceiling and trying to forget everything. Forget the hospital, forget the memories slowly coming back. Forget the gunshots and the fear.
“Anna…” He called out weakly, his voice hollow and shaking. He just wanted his sister to hold him tight and protect him… He mumbled her name all night, so much it stopped sounding like a word after a while, but it comforted him.
She would come for him and would save him…
“Ann…nnnnnhhhh…”
~~
“6926, we are transferring you to another room, due to the… incident the night before last. Don’t worry I will remain you primary physician.”
Enjar grimaced. ‘Great. that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.’
His eyes remained shut, Enjar pretending to sleep, listening as people bustled around him. It was his new strategy to avoid the ire of the medical staff.
They arranged him in the middle of the bed, laying the blankets over him, using them to pin him down even more than what the restraints did. They also wanted to hide the restraints, Enjar had figured out. He didn’t know why, perhaps Sommer had noticed something. Enjar didn’t care about what that prick wanted.
He was moved from the large, empty room, feeling the movements of the bed as he was wheeled down hallways and into an elevator, all the while the life was humming quietly to himself.
It smelled weird in the elevator, like strong cleaning supplies. Feeling it go down, the humming vibrating his body, and he moaned softly, feeling slightly motion sick, the vibrations hurting his head and wounds.
“Aww, he’s sleeping. You’re a tired one huh?” A new voice… The voice of a man… not Lauge or any of the nurses, a new guy… Enjar stirred a little, setting into a comfier position, or as much as he could when he was tied down by cuffs and pinned by tight blankets. Opening his eyes, he caught a glimpse of a guy, tall, his hair tied back, long dreadlocks reaching his shoulders. His brown skin looked weird and washed out in the artificial elevator light.
“Ah, peekaboo. You are awake. I had my suspicions.” He had an strange accent… French?
Enjar sighed, letting his eyes slide shut again, shivering. “Do you want a warm blanket? I can get you a freshly heated one on the way to your new room.”
Enjar nodded, grunting a little as the nice nurse adjusted his current blanket over his shoulders. The elevator shuddered to a stop Enjar moaning uncomfortably, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Nearly there, don’t worry.” The new nurse comforted him, pushing him down a hallway stopping for a moment. A heavy, freshly warmed blanket was laid over Enjar, eliciting a soft groan of pleasure at the first time he'd felt warm in days.
“Heheh, you like that huh?” The nurse laughed, as Enjar melted under the soft, warm blankets. He was asleep in seconds as the nurse wheeled him through hallway after hallway, until they finally reached a little room in the back of the hospital.
Enjar’s bed was wheeled inside, the nurse securing it before assessing everything. All the tubes and needles were correct and working, all the monitors, everything was present and correct.
~~
The nurse looked down at the mysterious sleeping man. Everyone had been super cagey about him, insisting that he be transferred to a random room in the back of the ICU and left alone.
His specialist and that nasty, bitchy nurse Joanna were to remain one of the only ones treating him, which was so weird. He felt bad for the guy, that Dr Lauge had a reputation for being a creep and Joanna was just as bad. She was a bully and rough with patients on a good day...
This man's condition was strange, he was pinned down tightly with blankets, there was a catheter bag attached to the bed and a large dressing covering his face.
The nurse wondered what had happened to the man.
He stayed for a while, the patient eventually twitching, breathing fast and turning his cheek so that the dressing was pressed slightly into the pillow.
The guy made a sleepy sound, somewhere between a moan and a sigh, before his breathing slowed again and he almost deflated.
Frowning the nurse adjusted the man’s blanket so it rested more comfortably on top of the patient’s chest and left, his mind trying to figure everything out.
~~
Anna Nielsen frowned as her phone lit up, vibrating on her desk. An unknown number flashed on the screen. She ignored it for a few seconds, until her gut told her she should answer it.
“Hello?” Her voice was cheery and polite as she pressed the phone against her ear.
“Anna Nielsen?” The voice asked. It was strange, hollow and terse.
“Yes?” She had replied, frowning as she pushed her chair back from her desk.
“Your brother is Enjar Nielsen, correct?” Anna’s eyes had grown wide, her stomach sinking, had something happened to Enjar?
“Yes.” She replied her voice wavering as she swallowed nervously.
Enjar had been radio silent for a week, not even a text. The last thing he had done, was call her over a week ago, saying he loved her. It was weird, but Anna was used to it, her brother always called her like that before a tough job.
What had scared her was when he didn’t reply to her call a couple days later, checking in on him. He was probably busy though, as she had kept telling herself.
Her big brother was always busy.
“I am his commanding officer, Commander Thomas Sommer, and you are his primary contact. I am required to inform you that he has been hospitalised due to an incident at work.”
Anna gasped, covering her mouth as she suddenly felt very cold. She pushed out of the chair and began gathering her things in her handbag.
“Is he okay?” She desperately tried to keep her voice level as she pulled her bag over her shoulder, rushing from her office with tears in her eyes.
“He is stable. They removed him from the ICU yesterday.”
“ICU!? YESTERDAY? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!? WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME NOW!” She yelled, thundering down the hall with am extra once of rage in her step, Enjar had told her about this guy.
“Never let him talk around you. He’s slick, he will hide and deny anything, you have to get him to tell you straight.”
“It is an ongoing investigation at this time. Due to security reasons, we cannot say.”
Anna scowled, “Oh, bullshit.” She spat, “Where is he?” It wasn’t a question, it was a demand.
“I will send you the details via text message.”
Anna scoffed. “Hurry up!” She snapped, tears brimming at her eyes.
“Anna? Are you alright?” Her boss was leaning out of his office, looking concerned. Anna turned around to look at him, mascara already staining her face. She shook her head, struggling to hold back a sob.
“Ivan…”
The older man frowned, walking up to her and gently touching her arm. “Oh, Anna... What’s got you all upset?”
Anna’s hands shook as the old man sighed, pulling her into a warm hug. He smelled like chocolate and coffee, calming Anna a little as she hugged him tight. “My dear, what happened?”
Anna shook her head again, trying to find the words. “My brother’s work called. He’s been in an ‘incident’ and they won’t tell me what happened… It’s bad Ivan… He was in ICU… They only called me now, I have no idea how long he’s been in there, but it has to have been a while. I haven't heard from him in a week and he always calls straight after a job to let me know he's safe and-”
Ivan held her shoulders in his large hands. “Woah, woah, slow down. What?”
Anna shook her head, shrugging in exasperation. “I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. Enjar works in a pretty secretive job, he's in a tactical squad for the military. God, I’m so scared, Ivan.” Her phone dinged, an address flashing on the screen from an unknown number.
Her boss frowned, “Go, be with him. I will cover you for today.”
Anna smiled a wobbly, thankful smile, “Thank you, Ivan.” Anna was already turning, typing her husband’s number into her phone with shaking fingers. She could barely press them, reaching her car and dialling the number.
“Yup?” Stephen answered, sounding bored.
“Stephen, you need to get home now. It’s an emergency.” Stephen sounded confused, groaning as he got out of a chair.
“Uh, okay… Why?”
Anna gripped the steering wheel, turning her car on. “Enjar got hurt at work. He’s in hospital.” Stephen was quiet for a second.
“Shit. Is he okay?” He asked, a little concern in his voice. Anna reversed out of the parking spot, speeding away from the car park.
“No, he isn’t. I need to get home and get rid of my work stuff, then we can go together… I can’t do this alone, Steve.”
Stephen sighed on the other end of the line. “Alright, I’m on my way.”
When Stephen had arrived, Anna was hectically flying around the house.
“Oh, you’re here…” She rushed over to Stephen, who held her tightly.
“We should probably go…” He muttered, staring at the usually clean house. “I know, I just… have you seen our wedding album?” Stephen frowned, pulling his head back.
“Uh, no… why? We should be heading over, not looking at wedding photos. Are you okay, honey?”
Anna was beside herself. “No, there’s a picture of him in there, my favourite picture of him, I want it. I need it with me, Stephen.”
Stephen sighed, going to the bookshelf in the hallway leading to their bedroom. He found it, exactly where it had been put years ago when they had moved in.
The album hadn’t been touched since.
Sliding it out, he walked over to Anna, who was going through her desk drawers.
“Here, honey.”
She relaxed, grabbing the book and flicking through it. “No, no, no, I can’t find it. Where is it!” She flicked from cover to cover, scanning the images with her eyes.
“Hey, slow down, I’m sure it’s in here.” Stephen replied, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Take a breath, baby.”
Anna closed her eyes, taking a shuddering breath. She went back to the start, scanning the photos, until she found it. Her brother was wearing a well fitting, expensive suit, clutching his stomach and leaning forward slightly as he laughed. He looked so happy there, his beautiful stormy, eyes shining as he held a champagne flute in his right hand. The golden lights illuminated his skin, his black hair shining…
He was perfect.
Anna pulled it out of the plastic sleeve with shaking fingers, putting it in her handbag and turning. “Let’s go.” She snapped, marching out the door.
“Yes ma’am.” Stephen replied, glancing back at the group photo of everyone in the centre of the page. It was the second one they had taken, everyone pulling silly faces and gestures. Enjar had stuck his tongue out, licking his sister’s ear. With the picture of just him removed, the page felt emptier, more… lifeless.
~~
As Anna drove, Stephen gripped the door of the car. “Anna, sweetie, slow down.” Anna didn’t reply, her eyes fixed on the road.
“Anna!”
Anna looked at the speedometer, hitting the break suddenly and slowing down with a jolt.
“Quit driving like a maniac, woman!”
Anna glared at him, but drove slower until they reached the hospital. She navigated the complex parking lot, yelling at the boom gate for not opening fast enough, before screeching into a spot and jumping from the car.
Stephen jogged after her, panting as she stormed through the carpark and to the foyer, where a man sat behind a desk. He watched as she spoke to him, the man pointing down a hallway and gesturing right, giving directions. She moved off again, Stephen finally catching up with her and sucking in a panting breath.
He was so unfit, he should really go to the gym more. Maybe after Enjar was out of here, he could start training Stephen up. That guy was so athletic, spending every waking hour working out.
Anna reached an elevator, pressing a number and standing in the corner, rummaging for the photo.
She stared at it as they went up, alone in the elevator that smelled a bit like bread for some reason. They stopped on a floor on the way up, a man in a business suit getting in, holding a briefcase, and a cleaner with a trolley.
The businessman wiped his eyes, smiling sadly at Anna and Stephen.
Finally, their stop came, and Anna pushed through, making a beeline for the welcome desk, her back straight ad shoulders pushed back. She let out a tense breath, before plastering on a smile and approaching the nurse behind the desk.
~~
“Hey, I’m here to visit Enjar Nielsen. I was told to come to this ward.” Anna leaned over the desk, looking to the woman and smiling. She was hiding her fear well, but the stress was weighing on her. Stephen hovered awkwardly in the background, rubbing his beard.
Anna’s hands fiddled with the photo in her hands. She pricked her finger with the sharp corners, rotating it around to each one, slowly dulling them. The woman clicked the keyboard, looking up at her.
“You here to visit?” Anna nodded. “Yes, I’m his sister. Anna.”
The lady nodded, reaching for a phone and pressing a few numbers in rapid succession. “Yeah. Mhmm. No, visitation. Okay. Sister, yeah. For… Nielsen- yep, okay, cool.”
The woman turned to Anna, pointing down a hall. “There’s no Enjar Neilson at this hospital, ma’am.”
Anna froze. “What?” She asked, stunned. “There’s no Enjar Neilson here. He’s not a patient.”
Anna felt the blood rushing to her head as her husband walked over. “An, come sit down, call you dude and figure this out.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S NOT HERE!?” Anna screamed, going red as her eyes filled with tears. Stephen grimaced, embarrassed as the entire waiting room stared at them.
Stephen dragged her to a chair, sitting her down and rubbing her back as she gripped her photo, hands shaking. Suddenly, a nurse appeared, looking confused.
“Um, sorry, I’ve been told to bring you to an office, Miss…” She began, looking down as Anna shot her a deadly stare.
“Stop fucking with me.” Her voice trembled, her shaking hands wiping tears from her eyes as she stood, taking a shuddering breath.
The nurse lead them to an office in a random hallway. It wasn’t really an office, more of a large cupboard. Inside was a man in a crisp military style uniform, looking very tired and haggard.
He looked up, sighing tiredly. “Ms Nielsen?”
Anna nodded. He offered a seat for her to take, Stephen leaning against the wall as the nurse shut the door and left. “Commander Thomas Sommer.” He held out his hand for her to shake, but Anna glared at him.
“I see stubbornness runs in the family.” He mumbled, Stephen bristling.
He was a large man, balding and with a decent beard, he looked like he could snap Sommer in half. He was going to if this wanker kept talking to his wife like that.
“Now, Ms Nielsen, your brother is stable, but I do want to warn your his condition is... confronting, but he’s being, uh, managed by the best the medical staff here.”
He thought about how he’d given the okay for Enjar to be sedated after he bit the nurse, cracking her finger bone, whatever it was called.
“So, he might be a little sluggish when you first see him but he’s coming off sed-”
“I just want to know what happened.” Anna interrupted, her voice stricken with grief.
She acted just like the four wives he’d told about their husband’s death… Except her brother was still alive. She should be counting her lucky stars and thanking whatever god she believed in that Enjar was alive.
He had technically died for a few seconds on the operating table, before Lauge had brought him back, but she didn’t need to know that.
“Ms Nielsen,”
Anna scoffed. “Don’t Ms Nielsen me. What the fuck happened?” She wasn’t nearly crying anymore, no, now she was angry. That was to be expected.
‘What is this prick’s game?’ Anna thought as she scowled, quivering. She could explode right now in this cupboard, if she knew she didn’t have to hold it in for Enjar. “I want to see him.”
Sommer nodded, “And you will, in time.”
Stephen spoke up now, frustrated with this creep. “In time? What’s wrong with him?”
Sommer grimaced. He needed to give the drugs time to wear off, civilians couldn’t know they were breaking protocol and drugging 6926 out of his mind.
“Well, it’s complicated. His condition is-” Anna glared harder.
“You said he was stable.” She interrupted again.
“Yes, however he is still quite injured and…” He trailed off. “Fine. But I must express to you how important it is we keep this away from the public. We have these forms for you to sign. If you disclose anything about the case, including any conversations with your brother or comments on his condition to anyone outside this room, you will be prosecuted. And you must refer to him as 6926 around staff, not his given name. It is imperative we protect his identity for both his safety and yours, as well at the other patients in this hospital.”
Anna and Stephen looked at each other, before sighing and signing the paper. Anna made sure to ask for a copy of it, which Sommer nodded in agreement. It stated plainly, that they could not talk about the case for at least 70 years…
‘What the fuck?’ Anna thought as she handed the sheet back.
“Right this way.” Sommer spoke robotically as he lead them down the halls as Stephen followed, her face burning as she walked. She was trying not to cry as she walked down the dull, slightly yellow-lit hallways.
The man, an important looking officer, led both of them down a small hallway, to a room tucked away from the rest. “Here, he’s probably still asleep, he’s very tired.” The man said, nodding to them as the two people slipped into the dim room. “I’ll give you a moment.”
It was small, the bed taking up the majority of the space in the room. There were two uncomfortable seats on either side of the bed, one of which Anna snatched up immediately, pulling it close.
She sat by the bedside, looking up at her brother, gripping her photo tightly. Her other hand fiddled absent-mindedly with the small gold necklace around her neck. She wore it almost every day, a birthday gift from her brother for her 21st birthday.
Enjar was lying completely still, the only indication that he was alive was his chest rising and falling. The bed was slightly raised, holding him at a slight upward angle. His head was turned, the right side of his face sinking into the pillow, the left covered in a large dressing. You couldn’t see any of his face. Nasal prongs wrapped gently over it, giving him more air as he took small, sleepy breaths.
They sat in silence as a few machines beeped, and the soft, slow breaths that Enjar took calmed Anna a little.
He was alive. Injured, but alive.
Occasionally, Enjar would groan slightly, causing Anna to look up hopefully. Every time, her face would fall, and she would return to staring at the picture.
After an hour, Enjar finally groaned, long and low, inhaling deeply as he turned his head. The right side of his face emerged from the pillow. Anna was scared to see what was under the dressings, but seeing some of the face she recognised comforted her.
He was still there, still Enjar.
She leaned forward, waiting with baited breath as her big brother opened his eye. The other was taped down by the dressing, and Anna could see it moving under the eyelid. His right eye drifted around the room for a while, taking in his surroundings. Eventually, it locked onto Anna, taking her in for a moment, before it clicked.
“Annnnh?” Enjar mumbled, trying to move. Cuffs attached to the bed prevented him from reaching out for her. Anna nodded, the tears already falling as she reached out for her brother’s hand.
“I’m here.”
Enjar flinched as she took his hand, before he grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him. Anna climbed on the bed, straddling her brother and holding him tightly as he began to cry, repeating her name over and over, like he couldn’t believe she was really there.
She stroked his head as he bawled into her shoulder, unsure of how to console him. Enjar’s left hand was gripping her arm at a strange angle in the cuff as he shuddered, the right one with the IV dangling limply by his side. It was badly bruised.
Anna pulled back and brushed the tears from his skin. “What happened to you?” She searched Enjar’s glittering eye as he looked for the words.
“Anna…” Was all he could manage to say before breaking down. “Anna…” He mumbled reaching for her again.
Anna sighed as she leaned in, letting Enjar lay back against the bed before snuggling up next to him. He pressed his face into her chest, shaking badly, so Anna pulled her arm around him, carding her spare hand through his hair.
They stayed like that for a while, until the sobs began to cease, turning into hiccups and then unsteady breaths, Enjar’s hands holding onto Anna’s for dear life.
“I’m here, I’m here…” She whispered. Enjar whined, starting to sob again, but only for a few minutes. Soon, the grip around Anna loosened and Enjar’s body went slack, Anna choosing to press her head brother's chest, listening to his heart beat and breathing, just like when they were kids and she had nightmares, or after she broke up with her boyfriend in high school.
She would be there for him, and he would be there for her too.
Sommer had left the minute he shut the door, Anna knew that. He didn’t care at all that her brother was lying broken in a dark, cold room.
~~
“I’m gonna stay the night, is that okay?”
Stephen nodded. “Yeah, no, I get it. I’ll come pick you whenever, just text me…” He yawned, stretching. “Night, babe. Tell him I said hi.” He leaned over the bed, kissing Anna’s cheek. She was still curled up beside Enjar, who would occasionally twitch and moan, but mostly just lay still, breathing softly.
Anna listened to the door shut, sending the room into almost darkness. She lay beside her sleeping brother, stroking his short, soft hair.
“What did they do to you?” She whispered, looking at his body. Enjar didn’t answer, sighing as she got up from the bed and sat in the chair again. She then rearranged Enjar’s blankets, making sure they were high enough.
She was rummaging through her handbag, looking for something when a tall, blonde man strode in. He didn’t immediately see her, before he flicked on the light, his eyebrows twitching in shock. “Oh… hello…” He sounded surprised, maybe even slightly annoyed.
“I was not informed that you were here, I would have come sooner to introduce myself. Dr Lauge.”
The doctor reached out a hand, Anna tentatively shaking it. “Anna. I’m his sister.”
The doctor nodded, “Of course, Anna. I was told you were coming… I’m just here to do some standard checks, the nurse will change his dressings. I do recommend maybe leaving, his wounds are… confronting to see.” He sounded almost hopeful, but that just made Anna’s stubbornness kick in.
She shook her head. “No. I’ll stay.”
The doctor grimaced slightly, before sighing and nodding.
Anna watched him like a hawk as a nurse came in, switching on the light. Enjar remained still, only jerking when the nurse gently shook him awake. He groaned in annoyance, frowning as he roused, only for his eye to fix on Dr Lauge.
“Hello 6926, I’m just going to-” Enjar pushed himself up, bristling.
“Get out.” He growled. Dr Lauge pursed his lips.
“Get… OUT!” Anna jumped as Enjar roared, jerking in his restraints, like he was lunging at the doctor, his chest heaving as he fumed. “NOW!” He yelled again, his voice cracking as he began to vibrate slightly.
“6926, we have to change your dressings, check your catheter and do some tests. I assure you, it will be as painless as possible.” The doctor had an unsympathetic drawl to his voice as Anna reached over and grabbed his hand.
“I’m here E- I’m here, honey. I won’t let anything happen.” She gave a thunderous glance to the doctor, there must be a reason for Enjar to be acting this way.
Dr Lauge rolled his eyes, looking to the nurse. “Joanna, shall we begin?”
Joanna nodded, preparing the new dressings. They peeled the old ones back, Enjar pushing his head back into the pillow, gasping through gritted teeth. His breathing was fast as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, his arms spasming slightly as the dressings were peeled off his skin.
He winced, groaning in agony as Joanna cleaned the wounds quickly… Almost too quickly.
Anna was holding Enjar’s other hand, which he was gripping painfully hard, watching it quiver and jolt as the pain travelled through him, then she looked over at her brother’s arm.
Her blood went cold as she gazed at the long, deep cuts in her brother’s arms. There were thin strips of skin barely holding the cuts together, looking stretched and pulled. The injuries were scabbed over, blood leaking from cracks in the thick, black scabs. Anna gripped Enjar’s hand harder, rubbing the top of his hand and trying to comfort him.
“Okay, I just need to check some things, then we will get it covered up.” Lauge mumbled. “6926. Can you squeeze my hand?” The doctor took Enjar’s hand, and Anna watched him wince a little as Enjar squeezed it tight.
“Good, point your fingers for me, one by one.”
Enjar complied, seemingly having done this already. How long had he been in here?
“Wonderful, and you can tell me what I’m doing?” Lauge’s fingers danced over Enjar’s index finger.
“Index…” Enjar whispered, his voice ragged, tears leaking from his eyes as he let his head roll back and forth. He was almost delirious with pain, breathless from the agony.
“Stay with me En.” Anna whispered, hoping no one heard her say his name.
CW: Medical abuse, suicdal ideation, anaesthestia awareness, graphic descriptions of surgery
Enjar could hear voices as he opened his eyes. There were blurry faces looking down onto him.
Muffled voices said something.
He couldn’t open his left eye…
Something was on his face, it felt rough and itchy. He wanted to rip it off but didn’t have the strength to. Something cold filled his veins and he felt a creeping sensation curl around his body…
To his horror, he realised he was being slowly paralysed. He wanted to scream, get these people off him and protect himself. Viktor could be anywhere…
Could kill him...
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad...
“Ahhhh blwahwo Jwawawa…” A slick, snide voice cooed as hands grabbed Enjar’s head, jerking it back painfully. Enjar gasped, he could already feel his body going numb…
He couldn’t move, he couldn’t scream…
All he could do is stare at the medic who had talked to him on the chopper, trying to scream for help as his mouth was yanked open. He felt a slimy tube slide down his throat and he tried to cry out, tried to get them to stop, but all that came out was a faint moan. The sensation of the tube sliding in made him want to scream, he wanted to get up, to run, to get away… He didn’t want to be here, he wanted the tube out of his lungs…
He watched with desperate eyes as he was wheeled away from the man with the nice voice. The man who had stroked his hair… The man who looked at his gloves, a cloud of guilt forming over him.
Enjar watched the world go by in a blur as he was taken into a dark, freezing theatre. The mask had been removed when the tube was crammed down his throat, but now he could feel something cold filling his veins.
It made him sleepy...
He tried fighting it as whatever was covering him lifted off his body. He was shifted onto a cold table, his arms pulled from the slight warmth of his body and strapped down. Enjar’s eyes drifted closed the heaviness of sleep weighing on his body, but not his mind.
“You can have your evidence now.” The doctor spoke to someone in the room.
Enjar heard the clicking of something, like a camera…
“Okay, he’s out.” The doctor murmured, a young woman’s voice quickly following up.
“Shouldn’t we check first?”
Enjar heard a laugh that made him want to jump out of his skin. He couldn’t even open his eyes as he felt his body get cleaned up and positioned, a sheet laid over his exposed body.
He couldn’t tell them he could still hear everything. He was trapped in his own head, eyes sealed shut, unable to see what was happening. He could feel fingers inside his right arm, feeling around inside him…
The sensation made him want to throw up.
The sharp needle began it’s endless plunging into his skin, stitch after stitch…
His mind was feeling heavier, the fog settling on his brain as he sank deeper into sleep. He felt the tight tourniquet loosen from around his arm, a burning, tingling pain flooding it for at least a minute, before he went numb again. “Oh, missed one.” The doctor mused as Enjar felt the sharp needle begin sewing him shut. It hurt, yet it didn’t, his mind swimming as he lay there, unable to move.
“His heart rate spiked.” Someone said, as Enjar felt a new rush of pain, the needle sewing each slash on his left arm up.
It wasn’t just the surface, it was his insides too, layers of flesh and veins brought together, one by one with each stitch. The other tourniquet came loose, dropping to the floor with a clatter.
“Shit. Slippery fucker, huh?” The doctor joked, cackling again. Enjar felt his mind go fuzzy again, a buzz filling his ears. He could hear his heart beating loudly through the haze, pounding behind his eyes. He felt so cold, everything echoing around him…
“O2 sat is dropping-ing-ing-ing!” Echoed from somewhere, the words rolling around in his mind. Enjar had no idea what they meant, he just felt so cold and fuzzy right now.
A needle was slid into his right elbow, pumping him full of more fluid…
It felt strange, making him tired… so tired… so… ti…re..d….
When he came too again, he was still under, or he was supposed to be. He could feel someone touching his face, pressing his cheek and jaw.
“Hmm. This one doesn’t actually see that bad. It’ll scar pretty brutally, but he shouldn’t have any major damage. Lets see what I can do, hmm?” Enjar felt a hand stroke his face, fingers trailing over his jawline and down his neck, then turning his head slightly.
It was at an uncomfortable angle now. He felt the doctor remove the IV in his neck, the sensation of the tube slithering out… It made Enjar want to shiver as he lay under the man’s dancing fingers.
He felt the very tiny stitches pull his skin back together, wanting to flinch away. It didn’t hurt much, but it was unsettling, feeling the cold needle slide through his skin.
“There, pretty stitches for a pretty boy. Get that dressed up now, my work is done.” The doctor patted Enjar’s right cheek, his hand trailing down his neck and caressing his collarbones, chuckling as Enjar could sense his eyes trailing over his body.
He wanted to squirm away from the doctor’s prying, knowing how exposed he was under the sheet.
People were evil.
If Viktor could almost kill him, this doctor could do anything to him and he wouldn’t be able to stop him, especially in this state. He could never trust anyone again, he knew that much.
He wanted to sigh in relief at the feeling of the hand lifting and the sound of the footsteps leaving his side, but it was like he had suddenly been dunked into a pool of water. Everything felt thick and heavy as a thick silence filled his ears.
He finally went numb, letting black void consume him.
~~
Finally waking up, Enjar's face twitched. There was something sticky on the left side and it was uncomfortable. He tried to lift his arm to tear it off, but couldn’t. Huffing in frustration, he peeled open his eyes… eye.
His left eye was stuck shut by a dressing on his face. His breathing quickened as he huffed again, gasping in panic and trying to lift his arms. He tried kicking his legs too, but they felt like lead, all he could do was toss his head from side to side, whimpering and whining in pain, the dressing also keeping the left side of his mouth sealed.
It hurt to open his mouth anyway, the cut on his face stretching painfully as he moved.
There was a tube snaking around his face and into a mask on his face, he had to get it off, it was going to kill him he knew it.
“He’s awake.” A voice piped up from nearby. Enjar’s open eye glanced around as he writhed in bed, trying to move as much as he could.
He was too exposed, he had to escape, get somewhere dark and quiet and warm… He caught a glimpse of his body under the sheets… He was wearing a hospital gown, and he could feel a tag around his right ankle.
Where was he?
Where were his clothes?
Had someone taken them?
Why?
Why did he hurt so much?
A low, guttural, panicked moan emerged from deep inside his chest as he finally managed to kick off his blankets, trying to get up from the bed, bending his right arm to push himself up. He felt the IV inside him as it poked his flesh, causing him to try and grab it with his left arm and rip it out.
It hurt and he wanted it out, if he had to claw it out of his skin, he would.
Enjar froze as his eyes widened… His left arm was wrapped in dressings. Looking at his right arm, it was too. His chest began to hurt as he fell back into the bed, feeling faint.
His breathing was fast, but he couldn’t keep any oxygen in his lungs, he felt like he was suffocating.
“He’s hyperventilating.” The doctor said, leaning over Enjar and touching his shoulder.
Enjar jerked out of the way, “Geddov me…” He tried to scream, managing a slurred mumble. Squirming to the other side of the bed, Enjar eyed the tall, thin, blonde doctor nervously.
“Ahh, 6926, calm down. I’m Dr Lauge, you had an accident at work. You’re okay now, you just need to calm down.”
Enjar’s eye danced from left to right rapidly as he tried to take in all the information.
Accident?
When?
He wanted his team by his side, with their powerful guns to protect him from this creepy man. His mind replayed what had happened a few minutes ago, the vaguely garbled memories of being touched by the doctor while under anaesthesia.
Everything was jumbled in his head, his throat hurt and his arms hurt… Enjar's face was aching as he began to moan again, lying back, staring at the ceiling, the pain pulling through him.
“Hmm. Give him 15 minutes, then come get me. He’s not completely lucid yet.”
Enjar heard those words but didn’t quite understand.
What lucid?
Where was he?
He flinched as the heavy blanket was laid back over him, his eyes sliding shut again… he was so tired, and when he woke up, this nightmare would be over.
The nightmare was truly only just beginning.
He lay there in a half conscious daze, nurses coming into the room and talking around him. Someone touched his hand, causing him to flinch back, his mind kept telling him it was Viktor, but it wasn’t, he knew that, but he still didn’t know where he was or how long he’d been out… Two minutes? Two hours? Two days? He just wanted his team around him…
Enjar became aware of someone holding open his right eye, shining a light into it. It hurt his head and he blinked, groaning as he turned his head.
Hearing someone mumble something about coming around, as he lay his left cheek on the pillow for a second. It felt fine, before he hissed in pain, throwing his head to his right cheek.
The sudden movement hurt his neck and he winced, gritting his teeth and causing his muscles to stretch the cut even more. He could feel the stitches pulling as he moved.
“Ahhh, welcome back, my pretty boy. Now, I don’t know if you remember. I’m Dr Lauge. I’m the one who stitched you back together… ”
That doctor… Enjar knew it was that man's voice he recognised.
Enjar opened his eye and glared at him. “Get away from me…” He breathed, his voice low and rough. It sounded like he had taken up eating gravel as a hobby. He could still feel the sticky dressing on his face and the oxygen mask…
He needed it all off.
Laying back in his bed, he already felt drained as the doctor grabbed Enjar’s right hand, holding it gently. The way it was bending tugged on the IV inside him, hurting him. He couldn’t pull his hand out of the slowly tightening grip of Dr Lauge.
“Can you squeeze my hand for me?” The man ordered. Enjar complied, squeezing as hard as he could, trying to hurt the doctor, crush his hands so he would leave him alone…
“Good, good. Other hand now.”
Enjar did, squeezing and wiling the doctor’s hands to snap in his own.
“Eh, the weakness is to be expected, but he has a surprising amount of strength considering the damage.” Enjar didn’t notice how his arms shook as he held the doctor’s hand, Dr Lauge letting them slide from his grip. They landed heavily on the bed, cause Enjar to cry out in pain.
“Hmm, still tender. Get him painkillers.”
Dr Lauge lay his hand on his patient’s chest, shivers going down Enjar's spine, as it stayed there for slightly too long.
He turned, leaving, Enjar shutting his eyes and willing his body to pass out and end this suffering. The mask on his face rested uncomfortably on his skin, the weight too heavy but too light at the same time.
He lay there until he felt the heavy blankets lift off his body, the nurse rotating his foot to check the ID band on his ankle. Panic flashed through Enjar and before he realised what was happening, his body was reacting, kicking at the nurse.
His foot collided with something hard… ribs probably, and there was a loud crashing sound. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t move his left eye, rolling it around behind the closed eyelid. It hurt to scream, his cut on his face growing warm as the blood began to trickle out.
Someone was screaming loudly as more people rushed in, his IV hurting inside his arm as Enjar tried to twist out of the way. He was pushed onto his elbows, his arms hurting as he tried to get up to run.
“Sedate him!” Dr Lauge yelled from across the room.
Him.
Enjar wanted to get him first.
Hurt Lauge like he was hurting him.
People crowded over him, hands landed all over his arms, legs, chest and shoulders, squeezing tightly as they restrained his thrashing limbs. Two hands clamped down on either side of his head, yanking it into a centred position, hurting his neck.
Enjar to screamed louder, arching his back, trying to wiggle free of the hands that were holding him down. He needed to escape, he needed to get away from the hands, they were hurting him as he twisted, desperately trying to escape.
He felt something very cold fill his veins firm the IV in his elbow, and almost immediately his mind grew heavy.
“There we go… nice and easy, sleepy time now…” The hands around his head stroked his face as Enjar’s exposed eye went blank, staring at nothing, glassy and vacant.
~~
“Sedate him!” Dr Lauge ordered, his hands gripping the screaming young man’s face. He watched the strong, young body twist and fight as the patient tried to kick his way out of the grip of the nurses.
Dr Lauge looked down at the man, enjoying watching the fire in his eyes suddenly snuff out as the drugs took effect.
“There we go… nice and easy, sleepy time now…” He cooed as the patient, 6926, sighed softly and his body went slack. His eye didn't fully close, leaving him staring at nothing like he was dead, the limpness of his body adding to that feeling as the doctor let go of his face, watching as it slowly drooped sideways.
It was like he had become a rag doll, a beautiful, hurting rag doll.
“I want him in restraints, we can’t have something like that happening again.” Lauge’s words slithered smoothly, some of the nurses nodding coldly. However, to Lauge, this man had ceased to be a person they starting to act that way.
Lauge watched with a glint in his eye as the patient’s floppy wrists were lifted into the soft cuffs, and grinned when his ankles are pulled apart, fastened to either side of the bed. Perfect.
His patient was so vulnerable and… so… so perfect.
~~
Enjar groaned as he opened his eyes, everything echoing as his head turned from left to right sluggishly.
He felt strange like there was a cloud of heaviness slowing down his mind. He looked around the room, it looked like a hospital. Why was he in hospital?
Closing his eyes, he tried to remember.
Fragments of the day filled his mind…
He was on an island…
His team was there and…
Viktor Madsen…
Yes…
He had done something and Enjar had…
The memory of someone’s nose collapsing under Enjar’s fist with a satisfying crunch suddenly jogged his memory. Viktor had attacked him. But where was he now? Could he get Enjar here?
Trying to sit up, Enjar wanted to push his leg against the bed for some leverage, but it wouldn’t move. There was something wrapped around his ankle… both of them. He tried moving his legs, panic rising, trying to use his hands to grab the blanket to see what was wrong, but his arms jerked to a stop suddenly.
Enjar looked down with wide, horrified eyes at his wrists, they were wrapped in a soft cuff, strong straps holding them in place around his wrists. He was tied down to his bed. His breaths began to hitch as he tugged at them, pulling harder and harder.
He had to break them, had to snap them, had to get his hands out. A machine began to beep wildly, hurting Enjar’s head and a moment later, that doctor and two nurses came in.
“6926! You’ve decided to rejoin us again. Listen you’ve had a rough couple of days, and I’ve had to sedate you for most of it, but if you’re going to keep acting like that, I’ll be forced to… keep mellowing you out.”
He turned to one of the nurses, a cruel looking lady wearing a scowl. The doctor, Lauge muttered something and she nodded, returning with a vial of medication.
“Now 6926, I can’t keep sedating you, so I’m keeping you restrained and controlled instead, this was our only option to help… manage you, alright? Yeeeees, good boy.” The doctor leaned over Enjar, meeting his eyes and grinned.
He smelled like stale cigarettes and his teeth were stained yellow. His eyes were bloodshot from limited sleep and all Enjar could do was look at them. The doctor’s grin fell as Enjar’s stare hardened, his face twisting into a scowl.
“No.” Enjar spat.
The doctor sighed, leaning in. “Well, 6926… Yes. You don’t really have a say in any of this right now. Our job is only to keep you alive, and if you keep trying to attack me and my nurses, well, I’m afraid you’ll have to be... managed. Don’t worry, the drugs will wear off soon. As for the cuffs, you’ll get out out them when you prove to me you an behave, like a good boy.”
The doctor cackled slightly under his breath, sighing slightly as he looked at Enjar.
Enjar’s lip curled slightly, feeling the saliva build up in his mouth. He spat at the doctor, hitting him square in the face, and sending him staggering back, arms flailing.
“Why you little…” The doctor glared at Enjar who smirked and continued yanking at his restraints.
“Give me that. I’m gonna do this myself.” Enjar’s eyes grew wide as the doctor leaned over him.
“No, no, no, no, please. I don’t want it, I’m sorry, please, wait, no, please!” The desperate begging went unheard at the nurses neared him, sneering.
He tugged at the straps so hard he felt his wrist pop, pain screaming through it like a bolt of lightning. He couldn’t move it right anymore, and it dangled at a strange angle in the cuff. Two nurses pounced on his right arm, holding it down, pressing on his injuries hard and letting the doctor use the IV port jammed in his now badly bruised elbow.
Enjar couldn’t move, scream, cry, he wanted to run but he was strapped down and it was all to much… He glared at the doctor, watching the medication drain into his arm.
“You’re getting a visitor in a few hours, so behave.” The doctor snarled at Enjar, who jerked in his restraints, trying to lash out at the man as his vision became blurry. He was halfway between lying down and sitting up when he felt his insides turn to jelly, and he slumped sideways into waiting nurses arms blinking slowly.
His mind raced at a million miles an hour as he was laid back down and tucked back into bed. The nurse examined his wrist, tugging it slightly and popping it back into place.
Enjar screamed in pain as she began arranging him in the middle of the bed, pulling the blanket across him tightly. They were pulled so tight across him, he couldn’t move, even if he wanted to.
He was pinned down completely, with nothing to do except stare at the ceiling or the slowly worsening bruise around his IV.
~~
The sound of a door opening made Enjar turn his head, opening his eye to look at the man in a uniform walk in.
He recognised that face… Commander Sommer… He… he was the one in charge of the mission, he could tell Enjar everything.
The solemn man walked to Enjar’s bedside, his face hardening when he saw the state of his officer.
“Officer 6926.” He greeted Enjar flatly. Enjar tried pushing himself up, but the drugs he was on had ripped all his strength from him, and the restraints prevented him from moving anyway.
“No, no, stay down. I don’t want you hurting anything else.”
Enjar stared at him, slightly thankful he didn’t have to move.
“God, it’s worse than I thought…” The commanding officer whispered as he took in the extent of Enjar’s injuries. He was staring at Enjar’s face, taking it all in. “6926, we need to talk about what happened. Anything you can remember, it is vital. You’ve had a couple days to recover, so I’m hoping you can shed some light on what happened?”
Enjar blinked at him, processing the words in his head slowly.
“Vik…tor…?” His words slurred slightly as the commander’s face flashed with horror for a second. He quickly masked it, pursing his lips and clenching his jaw.
“Viktor Madsen is in the ICU. You gave him a very bad head injury. He should pull through, but we don’t know what damage has been done. He hasn’t been questioned.” Enjar blinked slowly.
“Wheeeerzzz Jón?” Enjar lay still thinking, unsure of what had happened to his comrades, his brothers. “Ask him… Too tired…to…. remeee….ember…” He finally mumbled, his eye sliding closed as he leaned back, wincing through the constant pain.
“6926, we can’t. You are the only one left of your team. Everyone else is… dead.” Sommer watched the young man’s eye as he slowly processed the words.
Was he drugged? He wasn’t supposed to be. Why was he acting so strange?
Enjar was usually sharper than a nail, firing back jokes and one liners without a second thought, to see him like this was… scary. He looked like a shell of himself, pale and small, his eyes glazed over as if he wasn’t completely there.
Meanwhile, in Enjar’s mind, the words echoed over and over:
“Everyone else is… dead.”
“Everyone else is… dead.”
“Everyone else is… dead.”
“Everyone else is… dead.”
“Everyone else is…”
His face hardened. “No.”
He looked at the commander, shaking his head. “They’re alive. I was with them… a few hours ago.” His rough voice was rising as he pulled slightly against his restraints.
“6926, you’ve been in and out of consciousness for three days. You were found barely alive, bleeding out in a puddle on that island. You nearly died. Your team… They did.”
Enjar’s eye widened the commander watching as the one eye covered by a dressing moved wildly under the sealed eyelid.
“I know this is hard, but any informat-” The young officer jerked in Sommer’s direction, stopping awkwardly.
“Why didn’t you let me die too!” Sommer’s eyebrows rose. He did expect a reaction, but not this. He hadn’t been prepared for the young man to ask why they didn’t let him die. “You should have left me there! Why me? Why did I live? Why not them…? WHY?! YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE TOO!” The man’s voice cracked as he screamed, sitting up a little as he tried to lunge at Sommer, the sheets coming loose and falling into his lap. Sommer watched as the officer he had known on and off for years yanked at restraints holding him down.
“What?” The commander looked over Enjar’s exposed body, hand shaped bruises covering his arms. “What have they done to you?”
The commander ripped the blankets back, gasping in shock at the many large, hand shaped bruises covering Enjar’s legs. Enjar arched his back, screaming and pulling against his restraints his breathing growing ragged and uneven as his eyes fixed on Sommer. Suddenly, he grew very still, a strange look in his eye as he asked, with a faint voice, level and low.
“Kill me.”
A shiver went down Sommer’s spine, he knew that the man in front of him knew exactly what that meant, despite his drugged state. His eyes were glazed over, not all there but Sommer could tell that this man knew what he was asking him.
“No. We need you alive. You can put Viktor away for good, 6926. Bring justice for your team!” Enjar groaned, throwing his head back and calling out.
“NO! I FAILED THEM! WHY DID YOU LET ME LIVE? JUST TO SUFFER HERE!?”
Sommer sighed, “6926…”
“Argh, why does everyone keep calling me that!” The man snapped, writhing in his restraints. Tears were flowing from his exposed eye, desperate and painful tears. Sommer watched as blood freely bloomed on the dressing covering Enjar’s face, growing large quite rapidly.
‘What do I do here?’ The commander asked himself. He’d been at the bedside of many an injured soldier and cop, but this… It scared him.
Turning, Sommer saw a nurse glance into the room through the open door, but he smiled, nodding at her once. She nodded, leaving the room and shutting the door.
“6926. The media found out about the incident and are trying to figure out who you are. We have to do this to keep you safe so that you can go on trial and testify against that monster.” He tried using his calm diplomatic voice, but the officer wasn’t having any of it.
“It wasn’t an incident.” Enjar growled, his voice still slurring, his eyes still fixed on the commanding officer, a new coldness to them.
“It was A FUCKING MASSACRE!!!” He vibrated in the restraints as he screamed the phrase over and over.
Enjar’s mind was racing as the memories flooded back. “We weren’t there to catch him, we were there to catch the bullets! YOU DID THIS, YOU!”
Sommer grimaced at the words Enjar said. He was right to an extent, they hadn’t been able to get much intel, they had sent the team in blind. They had to to keep up appearances, but all Squad A were- had been the best at this. The units going into these missions always knew it was a potential death sentence.
However, no one had expected the island to be loaded with booby traps the way it had been. No one had expected Viktor to know they were coming. No one had expected the entire team to die.
Enjar slumped back into the bed, chest heaving as he gritted his teeth, glaring at the commander. A small part of Sommer was glad Enjar was tied down and drugged, he had no apprehension that the man would have tried to beat the life from him too if he was given the opportunity.
Sommer was just following orders though. It was the higher ups that had done this, he was just a middle man. There couldn’t be blood on his hands… Could there?
Shaking his head, he mumbled something about being sorry for Enjar’s loss and went to leave, but glanced back to see Enjar, a guy he had known some what well, lying back in the bed, glaring at him.
How many lives had Viktor ruined…?
Sighing, Sommer sat by Enjar’s side for a while, mostly out of obligation, watching his officer’s angry eye being to slide closed,
“Kill me, please…” The young man murmured, half asleep.
Sommer couldn’t bare it any longer. He stood, leaving the room, only turning back to take one last look at Enjar, tangled in the blankets, limbs sagging in the restraints as his chest rose and fell slowly.
How could they cover this up?
No, how did they fix it? How can they make it go away?
Origins of Enjar - Chapter 11: Drowning in the Bottle
CW: Alcoholism, suicidal ideation, self harm
Enjar awoke with a pounding headache, and shivers running down his spine…
He’d managed to sleep through the entire night, and by the look of the alarm clock beside the bed, most of the morning.
Groaning, he rolled back over, staring at the wall like he usually did, listening for Anna. His face fell when he remembered she’d gone to work, how she’d used up all the leave she had looking after him…
The guilt began to pool in his stomach, as he continued staring at the wall, his mind already replaying the memories of that day over and over…
The gunshots… the machete… the doctor…
Enjar awoke with a start, jerking upwards, panting, the scream dying in his throat as he untangled the sweat soaked sheets from around his body. He was shaking like a leaf, hands quivering as he finally freed himself of the fabric and stumbled to the bathroom for a shower.
The hangover was still bad, but more manageable now.
He almost jumped in fright when he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, the pale, gaunt face, with sunken in, shadowy eyes and hollow cheeks. The shirt that his body had once filled nicely sagging off tiny shoulders, and long, ragged, oily hair hanging into his eyes, his face covered in itchy, patchy stubble.
His face fell, as his once piercing blue eyes, now seemed almost greyed out, and dull, moving slowly as they followed the scar running down his face.
“Well… If it wasn’t patchy before, it is now…” He mumbled, rubbing his skin, feeling the distinctly soft, slightly raised scar tissue against his rough skin and stubble.
It was strange. A lot of the left side of his face was somewhat numb, but right over the scar, he felt nothing, and yet it was somehow more sensitive. He couldn’t tell if he could feel anything under the scar because his fingers were telling him there was something touching it, or if it was the scar itself.
He gingerly pulled off his shirt, examining his torso. His chest was flat, skin stretched over ribs, which where the most visible he’d ever seen them. His skin looked almost translucent, on account of having hardly left the house recently. His stomach was flat, and sunken, any muscle in his body long gone. He’d spent years getting physique to where it was…
He had been proud of his muscles, the gains he’d made, and it had all disappeared in a matter of months…
All that time and effort…
It felt like he’d lost a part of himself. His masculinity. His manhood.
He wasn’t strong enough to carry this... weight, the heavy mental weight forever weighing on him…
Turning away from the disgusting reflection, he turned on the shower, pulling off his pants that hung loosely from his waist, looking at his bony hips and toothpick legs… He was trapped in a weak, broken, pathetic body, scarred beyond belief.
He put his arms into the steaming water, not really able to feel the temperature in his scarred arms, until he stepped in, immediately jumping out and turning on the cold a little.
‘At least my skin isn’t pale now…’ Enjar thought as he looked at his now pink skin, reacting to the heat of the water.
He stepped in, adjusting the taps a little more, until he was under practically scalding hot water, leaning heavily on the cold tiles and letting the hot water pound onto his bony back.
He wouldn’t cry.
Not again. Not over lost muscle, lost strength…
His lost self.
He was a new man now, and this was his body now, he had to accept this hell was his reality now and he’d never get it back.
He stood in the shower until the water ran cold, mentally apologising to Anna for the huge water bill, though in his head he could rationalise it. It was the first shower he’d had since the funeral, where Anna hadn’t had to sit him in a plastic lawn chair and wash him herself. At least he could stand…
Enjar shuddered as he thought back to those moments. Anna diligently, and carefully massaging the soap into his skin so gently, and washing him down whilst Enjar tried not to shudder too much at her touch. His mind always flicked back to those words Lauge had purred every time he touched Enjar.
“See, you must want if if your body is reacting like this…”
Enjar couldn’t even fight back, his body dizzy from light sedation and tied down…
He hated his body for betraying him…
He stared down at it all, still dripping wet on the bathmat, and shaking from the cold.
He had never wanted any of this, and now his body was betraying him more than ever…
~~
Anna walked into a quiet house. She tiptoed to En’s room to check him, but he wasn’t there…
A brief jolt of fear ran through her like lightning, as she rushed around the house, looking for her brother in a panic. It was only when she opened to door to the bathroom that she sighed in relief. En was there, curled up against the bath tub, naked and shivering.
She paused observing him for a moment. His eyes where pressed against his knees, which he was hugging close to his chest and his skin was a stark white, almost blue.
“En?” She asked quietly, watching as her brother flinched, and sheepishly looked up at her, curling up more to hide himself. “Do you want a blanket?”
Enjar nodded, and Anna left him to get one, coming back and wrapping it around him.
“What happened? Why are you on the floor?”
“Shower…” En mumbled, adjusting the blanket around him. It was then Anna noticed the fist shaped bruises on her brother’s torso…
“En what did you do?”
“Nothing.” Enjar replied, curling up more, and snuggling into the warm blanket. “Didn’t have energy to get into clothes…” He lied.
Well, it had been a half truth, but he ignored the dull aches of the bruises he’d given himself, bashing his body with angry fists for betraying him.
“Alright…” Anna answered, not quite believing him.
She helped him to his room, and went through his stuff, looking for clothes. It had been days since he’d worn different clothes, she was glad he’d finally got around to changing them, at least slightly.
Soon he was all snuggled up in some fresh clothes, under his blankets and staring blankly at the wall again.
Anna had chosen to ignore the bruises covering his body, his arms, chest, stomach legs and hips… She struggled to imagine how angry Enjar had been to get that violent. He’d never been particularly violent, and it scared her that he’d gone this far.
Leaving him alone, Anna found her phone, and searched it for the number, calling it.
“This number is no longer available.” The polite sounding robot on the other end answered instantly.
“Fuck you, Sommer.” Anna muttered, walking over to the kitchen bench and leaving it there to go find En something to eat. She knew he’d probably been on that floor for hours, and definitely hadn’t eaten. As she began buttering some toast, her phone rang, and as she glanced at it, she grinned wickedly. An unknown number…
Answering it, she tried to sound polite and casual, as she held the small device to her ear. “Anna Nielsen.”
“Why are you calling me, Anna?” The annoyed, slightly drunk sounding Commander Sommer growled into the phone. “You are not to contact me again.”
Anna knew what was about to happen, but she blurted out something to make him stay, make him listen. “I’m going to the press.” Her voice wavered with anxiety, as there was a cold silence on the other end of the line.
“You are aware that by making that threat, I can have you, your husband and Enjar thrown in prison.”
“Yes.” Anna steeled herself. He was trying to intimidate her, and she wouldn’t let him win.
“But I found Enjar on my bathroom floor just now, covered in bruises. Bruises he’d given himself. He’s been getting drunk for the past two days, and hardly sleeps. He sleep walks and screams the house down when he does.” She felt hot angry tears well up in her eyes, but she kept them down.
“He needs help. I need you to get him some.”
“He has 6 free consultations with the organisation’s psychologist, that he has not appeared for. There is nothing I can do.”
Anna could tell his finger was on the hang up button, so she tried one final Hail Mary.
“He’s like this because of you. You did this to him. But I have to live with it. You can carry on with your life pretending nothing happened, Sommer, but you will never be free of this. The press will love this story.”
“Go to the press, I’ll deny everything.” Sommer purred, but she could tell he’d hit a nerve. Why did his tune suddenly change?
“Goodbye, Anna. Do not contact me again.”
The line went dead, and Anna stood with shaking hands, staring at the phone. She slammed it against the bench, wiping the hot, angry tears from her eyes, before taking a breath. She had to calm herself, so that she could keep strong for En…
Even if she was so… so tired…
She brought him the toast, leaving it for him to eat, but he didn’t move, just stared at the wall, like he always did, watching a movie of memories only he could see.
~~
Sommer sat back, staring at the city from his apartment, wine bottle in hand.
“You will never free of this.”
The phrase circled around and around in his head, like it had been for days… He felt so guilty… He wanted to help Enjar, he really did, but how? How do you un-traumatise a guy? Un-scar him? Bring back his dead friends…?
Taking another swig, he stared at the sparkling lights of the city. He knew Enjar was probably out there, behind one of those lights, attacking himself, or maybe Anna. She seemed so nice, it pained him to think she’d get hurt.
He stared back at the apartment. His wife had left him with the kids earlier that week. Fair enough, he’d figured, he’d hardly been at home, and when he had been, he’d just gotten drunk. He’d even missed Martin’s 9th birthday, turning up drunk and late…
“You will never be free of this.”
Maybe he could do the right thing, just once.
“You will never be free of this.”
Bring about one good thing with his life…
“You will never be free of this.”
Right this wrong…
“You will never be free of this.”
Then he can be free.
~~
Enjar had woken up screaming, the night Anna had called Sommer. She’d ended up sharing the bed with him, rubbing big slow circles on his shaking back, just like their mother did when they were kids.
At one point she thought she’d heard him mumble that word…
“Mama…”
He’d always been a mama’s boy. It had been hard on them both when she’d died a few years earlier. But, it almost felt like she was with Anna in that moment, guiding her hand.
Calming her distressed son…
Enjar shook as he began calming down, eventually falling back into a fitful sleep, occasionally twitching and jerking with a moan or grunt.
She could tell he kept waking up, and eventually just laying still, awake and staring at the wall because he went still and quiet.
He was trying to let her sleep.
Wrapping her arm around his bony chest, she snuggled into his back, noticing how he leaned into her gentle touch. They both softly sighed against each other, confirming the other was awake, but with an unspoken agreement to just… be.
Enjar felt the soft breath on his back begin to slow after a while, and the arm holding him tight relaxed. He shut his eyes for a moment, pretending the world was okay, that he was fine, and for half a second it worked…
When he opened his eyes again, he glanced out the window of the bedroom, seeing the full moon lighting up the cold, silvery clouds. He lay against Anna for a while longer, feeling her chest slowly expand and contract against his back, the soft breaths of sleep keeping her relaxed and at peace.
Enjar gently eased out of her arms, sitting on the edge of the bed, the moonlight illuminating his pale body. Slowly he stood up, tiptoeing to the bottle of vodka on the floor, and lifting it up.
‘Just once, to help me get through the night…’ He rationalised to himself. ‘Numb the memories.’
He took a quiet sip, going back to the bed and sitting on the edge, staring out the window as he began to drink, and the haze filled his head. The liquid burned, but he didn’t care, he kept sipping it, thinking everything over…
Processing it all…
Over and over, like he did every day, he replayed the events in his head, wondering if he’d done something different if his team could’ve survived.
They had families to go back to.
People to live for.
Enjar hadn’t had a girlfriend since just after high school, and didn’t have any interest in getting one, even before the attack. Not that a girl would even want him now…
He had no one. Not really.
Anna was only keeping him around cause she had to…
She would be better off if he could disappear, so she didn’t have to worry. So she could go back to her perfect life with a Stephen…
He stared at her sadly, smiling at how peaceful she looked, curled up in bed. She looked so pretty, her shoulder length hair gently falling over her face and shoulders, just like his would if he didn’t get it cut.
Her skin was perfect and unscarred…
Soft and warm…
“I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up, Ann..” He murmured, turning around as he guiltily drank more. He froze when his sister stirred, but after a moment, went still.
But he didn’t realise his words had roused Anna, who was secretly watching him raise the bottle to his lips. He took a large gulp of the vodka, leaving only a small amount left in the bottle, his body well and truly drunk, his head thick as he stared at the small amount left in the bottle.
That would be enough to get him through the morning tomorrow, if— when he needed it.
Anna stayed still as she watched her brother get back under the sheets, curling up on the edge of the bed, on the coldest part of the mattress, far from her reach. It broke her heart, shattering it into tiny pieces as she watched him finally pass out.
And, as he fell into blissful, alcohol induced unconsciousness, Enjar felt nothing but guilt. Deep down he knew he was doing a bad thing.
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CW: Suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, PTSD, body dyspmorphia, alcoholism
“Straighten your back.” Enjar spoke softly, instructing her. They’d started her out on squatting with two 3 kilogram weights, something nice and manageable. Enjar was sitting on a box beside her, curling a bigger, heavier weight. He’d been surprised he could still lift it, but Anna could see he was struggling with it now. Maybe there was still hope though?
Enjar was actually kind of excited to be back in the gym. He’d tried warming up with Anna, and found himself getting a bit tired, but once he was in the groove of things, everything fell back into place. Now his only hurdle was getting back to where he was…
One weight at a time.
Enjar stopped his sister, showing her a new move to try with a 6 kilogram weight. She could actually manage it nicely, and so he talked her through each step as she moved. He could tell that she was enjoying it, even if she did keep anxiously glancing at him.
“Good, other arm now.”
“Can we… have a break… after this…?” She panted, lifting the weight above her head and back to her hip.
Enjar nodded, “Sure.”
He thought about his bag. He decided not to bring his drink to the gym, opting for actual water instead. A part of him did really want to recover, even if he was mostly doing it to justify his drinking.
He noticed a gym bro staring at him from across the room, his eyes scanning Enjar’s scars from a weight machine. Enjar’s face twisted into a scowl, and he shot a glare at the guy, who sheepishly went back to staring at the machine’s weight settings. He noticed a lot of people staring at him as he walked around, but at the gym, he was hyperaware.
He felt like a freak show… And any of the people in this gym could be cold blooded killers like Viktor.
How could you trust anyone if they had the chance of being a murderer…? A monster…?
Even people who were supposed to help him, doctors and nurses… He couldn’t trust anyone anymore.
“En!” Anna’s voice broke his thoughts. “Can I stop? My arm is tired.”
Enjar looked up, blinking. “Oh, uh, yeah. You can stop now.”
Anna put down the weight, and squatted down next to him, looking at him in concern. “You okay? You just sort zoned out there for a while.”
Enjar’s eyes flicked to hers, cold and dim. “I’m fine.” He muttered dryly.
Anna nodded, not believing him at all. She’d noticed the staring too. I mean who wouldn’t stare just a little, her brother was covered in fresh, very visible scars.
“Let’s go home, Enni. I’m tired.”
Her brother nodded, the haunted look in his sunken, shadowy eyes, telling her that he needed rest too.
“Let’s get something to eat on the way home though, hmm?”
Enjar nodded silently, suddenly looking very old as he stood.
He didn’t look like he was in his mid 20’s, he’d aged 30 years in 3 months.
As they left the gym, he sighed, running his hands through his hair. It hung over his ears and eyes like a mop, and if he didn’t get it cut soon, he’d have to start tying it back. Anna half wanted him to get the haircut so she could pretend he was still the same man he’d been before that day.
In the car, he stared silently out the window, the late afternoon light making his sunken features stand out even more. Anna needed to get food in him, he barely ate.
Her favourite sandwich place would be having discounts of the day’s stock by now. She waited for Enjar to get out of the car, but he didn’t. Going around to the side he was on, she opened the door, apparently knocking him out of his daydreaming.
“We’re here.”
“Oh… Okay…”
They left the car, walking into the shop and looking at the discounted stock. It all looked delicious, but when Anna looked at Enjar, all he was staring at was his reflection in the glass display case.
“Which one do you want? I’ll buy.” She asked softly, making him blink, coming back to reality.
]“Uh…” His eyes flicked around, looking at the options. The bacon, egg and cheese one looked good…
“That one.” He murmured, pointing at it.
Anna nodded, ordering and handing him his sandwich. They went back to the car, shivering as a cold wind bit their skin, before greedily devouring their warmed sandwiches. Or at least Anna did, Enjar was struggling to get the paper off. He grunted in frustration, finally managing to get it open, and biting in into it.
Anna hadn’t realised how much he was still struggling with dexterity… His hands must’ve really been damaged… Not acknowledging it, she went back to her food, wolfing it down and turning on the car.
Enjar however, nibbled it for a while, managing barely half, before wrapping it back up.
‘Pathetic. Can’t even open a sandwich…’ He thought to himself, each of this thoughts stinging, as they chipped away at his appetite. ‘You should be better by now. Instead you’re a fucking drunk with no job and no life.’
“Enjar? Are you drunk?” Anna asked, anxious.
“No.” Enjar replied, clearly offended as Anna watched him.
“It’s just that… I noticed you were having issues with the sandwich…” His sister approached the topic cautiously, not wanting to upset him, or accuse him of something he wasn’t.
“I’m perfectly sober.” Enjar snarled clearly, thinking back to the drinks he’d had that day. He was… barely drunk right now. Not even tipsy… just… enough to numb the pain. “It’s just... my hands don’t work anymore. Not like they used to.”
“Okay. Hey, if you wanna talk about anything, you know you can, alright?”
“I know…”
“Okay.”
~~
When Enjar woke up the next morning, he immediately opened the draw of the side table, pulling out a wine bottle. He didn’t notice the clock reading 1:00 PM.
He cracked it open, and inhaled deeply, smiling at the slight wooziness it gave him. He put the bottle to his lips and began to drink, until a decent amount was gone, then he got up and shuffled to the bathroom to shower.
He’d slept in nothing but his dressing gown, which wasn’t folded very well around him at the moment. His fingers fumbled, grasping both edges and covering his disgusting, decrepit body.
Turning on the shower, he put the wine bottle on the basin beside the sink, and shed his gown, stepping into the steaming water.
He stood in there for a while, not washing himself, just focusing on feeling something. His eyes were fixed on the shower head, determined not to look at his ugly scars.
After who knew how long, he got out, dried himself, and wrapped himself back up. He needed to put on pants if he was going to buy more drinks today…
They wouldn’t sell it to him if his dick was swinging everywhere.
That stupid piece of flesh that had betrayed him…
He should cut it off.
Grabbing his wine, and drinking more as he walked back to his room, he got dressed, shoving on sweatpants and a baggy band t-shirt, before walking out the front door with his key, making sure to lock up on his way out, the haze of the alcohol already setting in.
He was going to the shop that was a 2 hour round trip today, so he brought his wine to keep him company.
First, he took a bus, fighting the urge to chug the wine on the trip into the city. Then, he stumbled through the streets, seemingly more aware of the stares than ever. He glared at a man who was cautiously sidestepping the swaying, scarred, unshaven man with wet hair hanging limply down his face and wine sloshing in his open bottle.
“Whaddaryou lookin’ at…?” Enjar growled at him.
After a few more minutes, he came upon an ATM, and got some cash out. His money was still good. He’d always been a good saver.
“God bless you past Enjar…” Enjar mumbled, getting the precious money and shoving it in his pocket.
Enjar managed to make it to the side street before the store, where he threw up on the ground, before drinking more wine to get rid of the vomit taste in his mouth, finishing the bottle. His mind felt separated from his eyes as he looked around, dazed, unsure.
He wandered down the street a little more, noticing the store sign and inhaling deeply, trying to ignore the nausea rising in his stomach. He walked into the store, focusing on looking sober.
He grabbed a few bottles of wine, enough to last him a couple days, and went to pay.
The cashier eyed him suspiciously, as he reached into his pocket and produced his money, pulling out a handful of random notes and handing them to the cashier. They counted it out and handed a couple back, before frowning.
“Sir, are you okay?”
Enjar looked up and smiled, or smiled as well as he could with half a numb face.
“Yeah, jusss… tired…” He lied, feigning a yawn.
He grabbed his bottles and walked out of the store, hurrying home as soon as he could, before the rain could start again. Winter was around the corner.
Almost immediately he cracked open his second bottle of wine for the day and began drinking. He didn’t even care when he saw some cops slow down as they drove by.
Enjar didn’t remember getting home, there was a vague memory of fumbling with keys, but he couldn’t remember much else.
Hours later, Anna returned, spotting En passed out on the couch, snoring with an empty bottle of wine beside him. He’d hidden the two others he’d bought that day already, but Anna had already been having suspicions.
“Enni… Wake up…” She whispered, gently shaking his shoulder.
Her brother snorted, looking up and blinking, his eyes glazed over.
“Annn…” He mumbled, before lying back down and closing his eyes. His head felt heavy, the booze weighing his mind and body down,
“Donnnn’t scare me like that…”
“Sorry… So, how was your day?” She asked.
“Ssshhhit. Like every day.”
“Did you do anything… fun?” Anna asked, trying to gauge how much her brother had drunk.
“Nooope… Just lay here and was pathhhetic.” Enjar slurred a little. His hiccuped, something that always happened when he got drunk.
“Wow much did you drink today?” She asked, pointing at the bottle of wine.
“Not mucchhhh, jusssst like… a little bit…. Just leave it, okay?”
“Okay.” Anna didn’t believe it for a second. “Well no more, okay?”
“Okay…”
“I’ll make you dinner and get you to bed, I just have to go to the bathroom first okay?”
Enjar nodded as Anna went to the bathroom, only to find a puddle of puke in the toilet. She gagged, flushing it and went to the bathroom, coming back out to see Enjar desperately licking the drops of wine from the bottle.
‘This can’t be good…’ She thought, watching him sheepishly stop as he noticed she saw him.
She quickly went to the kitchen, and whipped up a quick dinner, something simple that wouldn’t make him too sick, an omelette, and some pasta, as well as some garlic bread, to soak up the alcohol a bit.
“It’s done!” She sang out to Enjar, who wasn’t looking very hungry. He got up slowly, and Anna’s heart sank as his hunched, bony form shuffled drunkenly toward the kitchen table, where he sat down heavily and stared at the plate as it was placed in front of him.
Anna stared as he began to nibble at it, but didn’t have much.
He ate some of the garlic bread and a few noodles, and ripped off a small portion of the omelette before he pushed up and left the table, going straight to bed.
Anna wrapped up the meal and put it in the fridge, leaving a note for him to warm it up for his next meal, and waited for Stephen to get back home.
He’d been stuck at a work meeting all evening, and was late again.
~~
Day after day, Anna came home to Enjar drunk.
Really drunk.
Stephen had started antagonising En, complaining about him, insulting him for being weak, which only caused more arguing and drinking. He kept telling Anna to dump Enjar at his house, but her brother was a mess, he couldn’t manage on his own…
One day, after days, weeks… of arguing, she’d had enough, and snapped.
“Enjar.”
“What?” Her brother snapped, finishing the beer he was drinking.
“It’s 8 am, you don’t need to be drinking beer. How many have you had?”
“Jussst this one. I’m not drunk I jussst…” He eyed the bottle of schnapps beside him, clearly also being used.
“You’re drunk, Enjar. Your slurring your words!”
“Nnnno…”
“STOP IT!” Anna yelled, the tears welling up in her eyes. “STOP LYING! YOU’RE DRUNK, YOU’RE ALWAYS DRUNK! PLEASE EN, LET ME HELP YOU!”
“I DON’T WANT HELP, ANNA! I DON’T NEED IT! I NEED THE DRINKS! THEY HELP ME SLEEP, HELP ME FUNCTION! NOW STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!”
Anna began crying as Enjar slammed the bottle at the ground and stormed off to his room, probably to drink more. Anna just sank to her knees, crying, unsure what to do.
There was no one to help her, no one to save her brother from his self destruction…
That night, she took herself to bed alone, Stephen, out at a work function was as usual, absent. Somehow cried herself to sleep, out of sheer exhaustion.
She hated to finally think it… but maybe it was time for Enjar to move out.
~~
She was standing on a beach, watching the sunset and the waves. There was a man in front of her, standing waist deep in the water, facing away from her, but she know who it was.
Enjar.
“En!” She called out desperately, trying to get him to get out of the water. The waves were dangerous, and rough, swirling around her brother’s waist, threatening to pull him under.
“ENJAR!” She called out, trying to run to him, but her legs wouldn’t work.
She watched in despair as Enjar turned around, and stared at her blankly as he was swallowed up by the waves.
~~
“NO!” She cried, sitting up and panting. She glanced around her room.
It was dark, she must’ve been asleep for a few hours…
Her heart was pounding as she caught her breath, and then she remembered…
“En…” She breathed, racing to his room, panicked.
She sighed in relief as she saw his form outlined in the darkness, breathing slowly on the bed.
Crawling onto it, she felt him shift a little and whine as she snuggled into his chest, holding him close and listening to his heart. One of his arms wrapped around her, weakly pressing her into him.
“I’m sorry I yelled this morning…” She whispered.
“I’m just… sorry…” Enjar replied, alcohol still faint on his breath.
What else could he say?
“Sorry for leeching off you for months, sorry for being drunk all the time, sorry for making a mess, sorry for lying and making you upset, sorry for being such a pathetic failure?”
But instead he remained silent, holding Anna close, like a lifeline…
His only one left.
~~
Enjar woke up, the next morning… afternoon, and immediately reached for his side table, pulling out a small bottle of vodka from his drawer and cracking it open. It was 3pm, Anna would be home in a few hours…
He drank the entire thing in one go, sighing as he relaxed.
He stared down at his body, he wasn’t doing great… His muscle was gone, his ribs showing, and his stomach was a little chubby, from all that drinking, no doubt. His body was just disgusting.
Even the gym, which had helped him gain some strength, it wasn’t helping his emaciated looking state. He felt worse than ever, and was starting to need more and more alcohol to get through the day, needing more to get that mild buzz, and it was helping him less and less. He needed more, not just alcohol, something stronger.
Shuffling out to the lounge, he turned on the TV, and the first thing he saw was the news.
“In a case that shook the nation, Viktor Madsen, a man accused with the kidnapping, rape and murder of five women, along with the attempted kidnapping of a 6th, and the murder and attempted murder of several members of a military extraction team has been found guilty. He has been sentenced to life in prison, without the option of parole-”
And Enjar was just… done.
After months of memories playing in his head at every moment, every day disappointing Anna, making her argue with Stephen occasionally, always about him… She didn’t know he heard those…
He was done being a burden.
He was going to join his comrades with honour, like he should’ve on that day.
There was no one left to protect from Viktor too.
Collecting all his bottles, Enjar lay them out on the coffee table, along with all the medication in the house he could find, and began to drink.
He drank, even when he had to throw up. He drank, even when his mind stopped working, and the world became blurry, and his heart began to beat fast…
He drank even though his body was screaming for him to stop, that it was too much, even for him…
He drank until he finished each bottle… Every pill box and bottle cleaned out…
And his stomach wanted to explode…
He drank until he was not even aware of where he was anymore, wearing nothing but shorts and his gown, as his eyes rolled back, a bottle falling from his fingers and landing on the floor, shattering as the darkness consumed him.
His body slumped sideways, sliding off the edge of the sofa.
He didn’t hear the loud crack as his head hit the floor.
~~
Anna sighed, when she walked through the door, hearing the familiar silence, preparing to have another fight with a very drunk Enjar. Then she paused, the quiet was different…
Heavy…
Empty…
She walked inside, confused, and looking for En, who was usually passed out and snoring on the sofa. But as she looked around the room, she didn’t see him.
Her stomach seized when she saw all the bottles and pills, and her brother, passed out on the floor around them, facedown and motionless.
“En?” She called out, her heart sinking, turning to stone when he didn’t even groan, like usual.
“EN!” She screamed, her brother not moving as she rushed to his side, and rolled him over. He was barely breathing.
“No, no, no, no…” She sobbed, gasping at the puddle of blood revealed under the light, pooling around him. He stank of puke, blood and sweat, but most of all, looked pale, almost slightly blue.
Fumbling for her phone, she managed to get it out, her mind suddenly sharpening as she jabbed each number.
1, 1, 2…
She held it to her ear, rushing to the kitchen to get a cloth to place against the cut still gushing blood, as a man picked up on the other side.
“This is the emergency service number, do you require the police, fire or ambulance service?”
“Ambulance.”
“Where is your location?”
Anna stumbled over her words to tell the bored sounding man her address.
“And is the patient breathing?”
“Barely…” Anna whimpered, as she pressed the towel against Enjar’s forehead. “I need an ambulance now.”
“Tell me “now” every time they take a breath.” The man replied in a monotone voice.
Anna nodded, before choking on a gasp. “He’s blue, hurry!”
“Okay, can you tell me your name ma’am?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, I need you to answer some important questions so I can help you. Does he have a pulse?”
With shaking fingers, Anna felt for her brother’s pulse on his cold, sweating neck. It was barely there.
“I can, it’s slow…”
“How is the patient positioned?”
“On his back, his head is tilted to the side… There’s blood everywhere…”
“Alright, I need you to roll him on his side and tilt his head back. Does he have any injuries?”
“He’s got a cut on his head, and he’s been drinking alcohol all day, there’s bottles everywhere… It looks like he took some pills.”
“Alright, I need you to check his airway for anything inside it. Tilt his head back and look inside his mouth.”
Anna opened her brother’s mouth, and almost gagged at the smell, but his airway was clear.
“It’s clear.”
“Alright, I need you to keep him on his side, and remember, say “now” every time he takes a breath.”
Anna nodded, allowing the instructions.
After four “nows”, the man instructed her to do something else. “Anna, can you find his pulse?”
Anna described the beats, and right as she knew the fated words were about to come out of the man’s mouth, paramedics walked in.
“Hi, I’m Simone, this is Tomas. We’re going to help you okay?”
Anna nodded, wiping tears away with her bloody hands, as the two paramedics scooped Enjar up and placed him on the stretcher. The male medic, Tomas, spoke into his radio about needing extra help.
Anna followed as they attached a mask to his face, giving him oxygen, and carting him into the ambulance. She watched from the door as the worked on him, even as they were moving him.
She didn’t know what to do, as she dialled Stephen’s number and booked it to her car.
~~
The paramedics kept the man stable until their second crew turned up.
Three of them stood in the back, keeping this guy alive.
He’d clearly been drinking. The vomit stains on his chin and the smell of alcohol coming off his sweat. He’d had a lot, they’d seen all the bottles strewn around as they’d walked in, easily 6 spirits alone, plus beers and wines.
“He’s taken pills too. No idea how many, but its a mix of paracetamol, ibuprofen, pseudoephedrine, codeine, amoxicillin.”
“Shit. How’s that LMA coming?”
“In and secure. Ready to hit the road when you are.”
They kept him alive and breathed for him, as they drove to the hospital. His heart beating away just enough to keep his vitals afloat. The hospital couldn’t come sooner…
Suddenly the guy jerked, his arms weakly thrashing as he cried out, scared and in pain.
“Hey, HEY! Calm down, calm down!” Simone tried to comfort him, but he was terrified, fighting for his life. They all held him down, controlling the thrashing and clawing nails, to be able get him to the hospital. After a few more thrashes, he seemed to still, passing out by the looks of things.
He was stable enough now. The hospital would need to pump his stomach to sort him out, they just had to make sure he got there.
None of them could believe the state of this guy, he looked awful, hair messy and covered in his sick and blood, scars all over his arms and face, probably previous self harm attempts, most likely.
He was extremely thin, barely any meat to him, it had been easy to feel each one of his ribs to put the ECG on.
As they arrived at the hospital, they cared him straight into the waiting bay, where doctors stood at the ready to pump this guy’s stomach to hell and back.
~~
Enjar woke up with strange people and lights leaning over him.
‘No…’ He thought, as his limbs began to attack, ‘I can’t be back here, don’t send me back here, please!’
He tried to fight, hands pushing his arms back down and he went still, hoping they would leave him alone if he played dead.
When he woke again, a spray was being sprayed into his mouth, making everything numb. He tried to lift his arms to attack, but a familiar jerk made his heart sink. He was tied down, restrained and vulnerable…
In a panic, he wanted to thrash and twist out of the cuffs, screaming “NO! LET ME DIE, PLEASE!”
But he was unable to move, staring through barely open eyes as a man with a tube leaned over him.
His eyes widened in horror, as he watched it come nearer, and he began to moan, limbs going slack and beginning to quiver. “No, please no… not again, no…” He sobbed, as the doctor began speaking to him,
Enjar’s words not even coming out. He was trapped in an unresponsive body., his throat going numb.
“Hey, sir? My name is Erik, I’m a doctor here. I’m trying to help, but I need to pump your stomach, this will be very unpleasant, so I apologise. We’re going put a tube in now.”
Enjar cried as his eyes met the doctor’s, who shoved something in his mouth, and began to slide the tube into his throat. Enjar couldn’t feel it at first, but then lower down, inside him he could… And it was horrific.
“Stop… please…” He tried to moan.
“I know, I know…” The doctor smiled down at him as Enjar heard people moving around him.
It was too much, and his body gave up, too tired and terrified to go through this again.
~~
“He’s passing out again.” The doctor, Erik called out, a nurse noting it nearby. They were preparing for this guy to arrest. He was limp, eyes rolling back in his head as his breaths came laboured and ragged.
Erik continued to slide the tube down this guy’s throat, as a teary woman, and a balding, chubby man were brought over by another nurse.
She burst into tears when she saw his patient, the chubby… no overweight man, looking… indifferent. Probably just stunned. Fucking civilians. He’d seen people hold it better together in Afghanistan.
His patient was sagging in the restraints.
It had been crazy, as the paramedics wheeled him in. He’d been like a rag doll, but he’d opened his eyes as they’d sat him up for the bite block and orogastric tube and tried to claw Erik’s eyes out.
The doctor had pushed him onto the bed and held him as he thrashed and howled them not to hurting him, to let him go, and to let him die, before going limp and sagging into Erik’s arms.
Fucking drunk people, wasting their lives and the valuable resources they had to use to save them.
Erik half wondered what had driven this guy to this point, he was probably an alcoholic, but he seemed terrified of doctors, and the scars. That definitely had something to do with it.
Ancoring the guy’s heavy head down, he muttered at one of his assistants to get rid of that damn sobbing bitch, she was distracting as fuck.
She wailed as the security and the bald, fat dude dragged her away, whining about her brother and to help him.
“We’re trying, woman…” He grunted, as they began.
The man jerked when Erik opened his mouth, moaning awfully as Erik tried to shove the mouth block in.
“Hey, sir? My name is Erik, I’m a doctor here. I’m trying to help, but I need to pump your stomach, this will be very unpleasant, so I apologise. We’re going put a tube in now.”
The man groaned in agony, weakly pulling at the restraints, Erik noticing the panic in his eyes.
That haunted look he had…
It shook Erik.
He’d been a doctor for 20 fucking years, but this man… Something inside him broke when he saw how distressed this man was. He’d only seen that look in the eyes of hardened veterans on the battlefield, right as they realised they were going to die.
“I know, I know…” he murmured calmly, shoving the mouth block in and beginning to insert the tube. “I know, I know…”
It all seemed to be too much for this guy, who’s eyes went dull, drifting shut.
“That’s better, go to sleep, buddy. Relax…” Erik murmured, feeling the man’s head grow heavy in his hands.
“Okay, fill him up.” Erik nodded at the nurse, who began the fluid insertion. After a couple minutes of waiting, where Erik read the handover from the paramedics, he told them to begin the extraction.
They pulled out the max dose they could, three litres of shit from this guy...
From Enjar’s stomach.
“Doctor. There’s still pills in here.”
“Good, let’s give him 100 mics of naloxone to take the bite out of that opioid.”
When they were done, they wheeled him into one of the rooms, waiting for a spot in ICU. That’s when that woman, Enjar’s sister came back.
She looked calmer, her eyes puffy from crying, and the fat guy seemed less than impressed by all this.
“We extracted the most we could from his stomach, but we are still monitoring him. He’s dehydrated and quite sick. I’m worried about liver damage too, given everything he took.” Erik informed her robotically as he lead them to his room.
The woman’s breath hitched as she saw her brother, lying unconscious and still, but breathing. She went to his side, taking his limp hand, and holding it gently.
“I’d like to understand his past a bit, and if he’s a threat to himself of others.” Erik began tentatively, trying not suggest obviously that the man was maybe dangerous, suicidal… or both.
“He was injured at work, 11 months ago. Basically hasn’t stopped drinking since…” The woman sighed, looking upset as her shoulders shook. “His drinking’s been getting worse the last couple weeks… He’s traumatised… He was…” She shook her head, “His friends died during the accident, and when he was in hospital after… the doctor there, he uhh…”
The woman shuddered, swollowing hard. “The doctor raped him.” She whispered.
Erik felt his stomach drop to his feet. No wonder Enjar had freaked out…
“Well, he’s safe here, I can promise that.”
“Can you?” The woman asked, her shattered voice weak and hollow. Erik grimacing as he nodded.
“I will see to it personally.”
The doctor stared at the scarred man with new eyes. “Has he expressed any… suicidal thoughts recently?”
“When doesn’t he?” The fat man grumbled. “Always moaning about how he wants to die.”
“Stephen!” The woman whirled around, glaring at him.
“What? It’s the truth?”
The woman shook, tears welling up in her eyes as she squeezed her brother’s hand.
“And what’s his medication regime right now? What antidepressants is he on? Does he take anything for anxiety?”
“What? No he doesn’t have any drugs. He was never prescribed any.” The woman looked at him sadly, “The accident was a work thing, and they haven’t helped him at all. No support, and we’re… prevented from talking to anyone about much, for legal reasons.”
“So he’s been unmedicated for almost a year with severe PTSD… Christ.” Erik muttered. What sadist did that to a person?
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’ll get him on some meds to help him come around…”
He left the room, angry beyond belief for this guy. How had he been failed so much? Something was fishy here.
Ordering up drugs and monitoring, Erik sighed… An ICU bed had just become available, and he was gonna make damn sure Enjar got it.
“I have a colleague in the ICU, Dr Knudsen. He’s the best of the best. I’ll make sure you get him.”
CW: Alcoholism, suicidal ideation, graphic descriptions of gore
Enjar went straight to his room after the funeral, and didn’t leave for days.
Anna checked in on him a bit, mostly to make sure he was still alive, and he was just staring lifelessly at the wall.
Sometimes she’d pull him close and let him cry into her chest, or sit him up and try to feed him.
He’d stopped eating again…
He was losing weight fast, and the nights…
Anna woke up every night, multiple times a night to screaming and crying. Enjar was thrashing in his sheets, screaming about the island… the doctors… his trauma. Anna would rush in and wake him up, calming his breaths as he cried, and holding him as he wailed.
One night she awoke to a strange feeling. Turning, she looked at her open door, and saw Enjar standing in the doorway, mumbling to himself as he stared at them. Anna’s stomach turned a little. He looked creepy, his flat hair had been growing long and was hanging limply, reaching just below his jawline, in oily tendrils. His eyes shone in the dark, wide and white as he turned and shuffled down the hallway talking to himself.
Anna heard Stephen shift, sitting up.
“What the fuck?” He asked, glancing at Anna, who went to leave. Stephen grabbed her wrist, “No Anna.”
Anna turned, shocked. “What? Stephen, he’s sleep walking! I have to get him back to bed before he hurts himself.”
Stephen made a face, squeezing her wrist tighter, painfully tight. “No. I don’t want you going near him. What if he hurts you?”
Anna shook her head. “He’s harmless… He’s just upset. He needs to be in bed, resting.”
Stephen scoffed. “Anna. Your brother kills people for a living. That’s what he does. He’s a sniper! He's dangerous! You saw him! He looked like he was about to pull out a knife and stab us!”
Anna shook her head. “He wouldn’t do that!”
Stephen chuckled in disbelief, “You tell me he wouldn’t? Did you see him? He’s a psycho! A nutjob! His mind is gone Anna, he’s gone, and the best place for him is somewhere where they can keep him controlled and doped up so he doesn’t hurt anyone.”
Stephen’s fingers squeezed Anna’s wrist so tight that she yelped.
“Stephen, you’re hurting me!” She yanked her wrist out of his grip when it faltered slightly, massaging it as she went hunting for her brother. She found him at the top of their stairs, staring and talking to nobody.
She did have to admit it was creepy.
“Enni? Enni, come on, let’s go back to bed.” Anna murmured, reaching out to touch Enjar, who had began shuffling away. His toes caught on the edge of the rug below his feet and he teetered forwards, landing hard on his face. Anna rushed to his side as he came to, glancing around, confused.
“En! En, it’s okay. I’m here.” Anna tried to comfort him but as he touched he jolted like she’d electrocuted him. His eyes gazed at her, scared.
“Leave me alone…” He whimpered in a tiny voice, eyes glittering as tears welled up high. “Shhh, it’s just me…” Anna whispered trying to catch his eyes, but they were distant…
Was he still asleep?
“En.” She took his shoulders as he yelped, and pulled him close, holding him as he twitched in her grip. “It’s me. You’re safe. You’re safe…”
She stroked his head as Enjar went limp in her arms, only for him to grab her shoulders and hold her even closer, as he began sobbing and muttering her name. He pulled back, looking around, confused.
“Where…?”
“You were sleep walking, Enni.”
Enjar’s eyes bulged slightly, a haunted look on his face as Anna helped him to his feet. He was freezing. Enjar’s weak, bumbling fingers fumbled at his t-shirt collar, as he gulped.
“I need this off… Get it off, get it off!” He became desperate, his useless, damaged fingers clawing at the hem of his shirt as his sister whipped it up and over his head…
Enjar suddenly felt less claustrophobic, less choked…
The shirt reminded him too much of the patient gowns, he kept thinking he was back there, he needed it to stop.
All of it.
He needed to go numb.
Weeks of nightmares were beginning to weigh on his mind as Anna guided him down the stairs to his room, and tucked him in. She snuggled into his side, holding him tight as he faked falling asleep.
As he lay still, listening to the crickets, he turned everything over in his mind. It was like a movie was permanently playing in his head and he couldn’t turn it off. Everything was so painful, his scars, his weak, useless fingers, his arms he could barely move… his face…
Everything was pain.
Life was pain and he was losing the ability to cope.
~~
Enjar’s heart was pounding.
He stared at the large courtroom wearing his uniform once more, as Anna’s small hand gently touched his own, squeezing them.
“You’re okay…” She whispered.
Enjar nodded, as he watched more people file in, and then him.
Viktor Madsen.
Murderer, rapist and the man who had kidnapped Clara Rasmussen. The 26 year old hairdresser with whom Madsen had developed an obsession with. She also happened to be the daughter of a politician. She sat a few seats from Enjar, and managed to catch his eye, smiling.
Enjar turned to her, his scar becoming visible, and her smile faltered as Enjar tried to smile back, with his strange, lopsided face. That movement was still hard for his damaged muscles and the pain didn’t help.
His eyes watched as the middle aged man was walked into the courtroom and sat down, hands in cuffs, his balding head and greying beard framing his deep set, strikingly blue eyes.
They sent shivers down Enjar’s spine.
His face was mangled, his nose broken and reset several times in an effort to undo the damage of Enjar’s desperate, lifesaving fists.
His eye socket looked a bit strange, and he was missing a lot of teeth.
Enjar couldn’t help but feel a bit happy he’d managed to put that monster through at least a tiny bit of the pain he’d put his victims through.
Soon proceedings began, the jury taking their seats and lawyers beginning to pick apart everything that Madsen had done. Graphic pictures were flashed onto TV screens, showing what had happened to his 6 other victims, their bodies disembowelled whilst they were still alive, throats slit and breasts sliced up. He would bite chunks out of their organs and…
Enjar wanted to throw up when they got to the necrophilia.
Madsen cackled and jeered as the lawyers described how he’d used the slits in the poor victim’s stomachs as a place to finish…
Enjar couldn’t listen as he tried to force the images from his mind.
The jury all looked horrified, and a few seemed to swallow puke rising up in their throats.
“And then, he develops a connection with a hairdresser, Clara Rasmussen. He kidnaps her from her work and drives her to a bunker on a tiny island in a lake, and-”
The lawyer glanced at Clara.
“-did unspeakable things to her.”
Soon she was invited to the stand, and gave her testimony of her ordeal. She had been stuck in that pitch black bunker for a week. Enjar and his team…
They should’ve got to her.
They should’ve…
They…
He squeezed Anna’s wrist, noticing her wince. Looking down, his eyes locked onto a fading bruise around her wrist, and he’d been held down enough by the nurses to recognise a hand print now…
“Anna.” He murmured, barely audible. “What is this?”
Anna glanced at it, yanking the sleeve of her blazer down, and grabbing Enjar’s hand in both of her own.
“Nothing. It’s fine."
Enjar frowned.
Did he do that to her?
Did he hurt his sister and not remember?
His stomach began tying itself in knots as he felt nauseous, only for Anna to touch his arm. His eyes snapped to hers, and she nodded.
“You’re up.” She said, handing him his cane.
It pained him to still need it. He could walk, but he was still so weak…
He needed to rest half way as he caught his breath. Bth the lawyers representing their clients gazed at it, then each other as a security guard helped Enjar get the rest of the way.
Then the interrogation began.
“Can you state your number and title for the record?”
“Officer 6929, Squad A, SWAT division. Sniper.” He responded robotically, his posture straightening as he saw Sommer glaring at him from the crowd.
“And Officer 6926, can you please recount what happened that day?”
Enjar nodded shakily…
His mouth opening, but words refusing to form on his tongue as the days… weeks and months or torment flashed in front of his eyes in a single second.
“It- It was raining…”
The entire audience watched him as he explained hearing the screams of his comrades through the trees, the point of the mission, the anxiety as the pressure plates clicked behind him, the gun shots from the trees…
Watching his friends die…
“And here is the body cam footage of that day.” A lawyer said, clicking on a video from a small TV beside Enjar.
Everyone watched in silence as they watched the demise of each of Enjar’s friends, one by one. A bang, followed by the ground quickly rushing up to the camera and an eerie stillness…
Enjar’s heart tore in two when he heard Jan mutter a quick, desperate prayer before he climbed the rock to cover them.
Finally they got to his footage. It was much the same.
He saw his friends, heard their voices…
And then he watched their final moments.
It was too much, it was exactly like his memories were being played on a screen for everyone to see…
The click of the jammed gun made his stomach turn, and Enjar watched as Viktor launched himself from his hiding spot at Enjar, machete flashing as it connected with Enjar’s helmet. The judge flinching in his chair as they listened to Enjar cry out, the body cam revealing Madsen straddling Enjar, and Enjar’s arms shielding his face as blood began to fly around.
The blade went red in real time with Enjar’s blood. There was a cry, desperate and wild, like an animal as the footage shifted, Enjar and Madsen grunting as they wrestled, then catching Enjar’s fists as the flattened Madsen’s nose.
Through his loud panting, everyone heard the bones in Viktor’s face snap, as Enjar knocked him unconscious, scrambling off his body and kneeling as his chest heaved for a moment.
The footage swayed as Enjar moaned slightly, and then went black, showing only a small sliver of sky in the corner, and his left arm bleeding profusely into the puddle, the water going red as his blood spilled into it.
“So we have irrefutable evidence that Viktor Madsen not only attacked and nearly killed one officer, but did kill four others. He murdered them in cold blood, and they all suffered long, agonizing deaths.”
The lawyer clicked to the next phase of his presentation.
Enjar stared, stone-faced at the images of each and every one of his teammates, lying in the rain, faces blown off, bullets through their skulls, blank, glassy eyes staring from grey, bloodless faces… If they had any face left…
Then each autopsy photos.
Dirt in fingernails, blood and gore… Mads’ brain dripping all over the table… Jan’s eye had come out. Jón was opened up so everyone could see how the bullets had ripped through his spine, paralysing him instantly and killing him.
Enjar wanted to throw up, but he confirmed that they were his friends…
“And we can see in the flesh what damage he Officer 6926, but this was the direct aftermath.”
The lawyer clicked to more images. It was another man laying naked on an operating table, except he had tubes and wires all over him, and a tube in his throat, and huge lacerations on his arms… Tourniquets cut off the blood supply to his arms, turning them blue...
It was him.
They’d taken evidence whilst he was still unconscious on the operating table. Pictures of his scars, both open and freshly sewn together, dried blood still staining his stark white skin…
They clicked through more, him in the bed, bruised and beaten, unconscious, apparently for a week before he’d come around.
Pictures of his facial wound up close, his arms, being limply held up by a pair of hands… Lauge’s.
His medical records. It felt as if they had stripped Enjar naked and autopsied him in front of the entire court.He felt so exposed, and as he glanced at Viktor, his stomach turned.
Viktor was grinning with glee. He seemed more excited about the ordeal Enjar had been through than his kills.
Enjar’s face hardened as he answered more questions, his voice quieter, eyes lowered, mind reeling.
He had no idea how many times he’d been drugged and raped by Lauge… How many times had Sommer or his team taken pictures of him.
“And this is the body cam footage, when they found the witness and Mr Madsen.”
The lawyer’s voice broke Enjar’s thoughts as they played a blurry clip, of people rushing up to Enjar’s lifeless looking body lying in a puddle of blood in the rain. His eyes were shut, body slack as they checked for a pulse, and upon finding out he was alive, ripping him from the ground and carrying him away.
At some point Enjar’s eyes opened, and stared blankly into the camera, just like his teammates’ dead bodies did… Enjar felt his body shiver as it tingled with anxiety.
He wanted it to stop.
They paused as soon as the helicopter medics rushed towards them, and Enjar turned back to Madsen, who looked beyond excited.
Enjar sat in silence as the lawyer asked him more questions, linking his haunted responses back to all the footage the court had just sat through.
“And so, you felt you had to kill Mr Madsen to save your life?” One of the lawyers asked, snapping Enjar out of the numb feeling in his mind.
Enjar didn’t know which lawyer asked it.
“Yes. He tried to kill me. I was just trying to survive.”
“And you were hospitalised for just under two months?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you, Officer 6926.”
Answering a few more questions, Enjar felt like he was looking through someone else’s eyes, until the judge leaned down and broke his glassy stare.
“Officer, you’ve been dismissed."He nodded, feeling numb as he walked past Viktor, back to Anna, who was white as a sheet. She wordlessly pulled him into a hug, rocking him slowly, holding him tight.
He sat through the rest of the trial for that day, unsure if he’d make it through the rest of it.
Doctors spoke, Sommer spoke, some random lady spoke. A bunch of important experts spoke. Enjar didn’t remember much after that. Anna shook him gently after a while, breaking the static fuzz in his mind.
“En, it’s over for today.”
Enjar looked up at her, nodding as she helped him to his feet. His braced as he sensed someone coming over.
Looking up, it was an intimidated looking Clara.
“Hey.” She spoke softly, meeting his gaze with soft brown eyes, “Enjar, right?”
Enjar held onto Anna’s arm for support as he nodded.
Clara’s eyes filled with tears, “Can I hug you?”
Enjar thought for a moment, before nodding. Clara rushed into his arms, holding him close, as she burst into tears. “Thank you, thank you, thank you… I’m so sorry… You’re like this because of me… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry… You should hate me… I’m so sorry…”
Enjar’s gentle hand found itself between her shoulder blades, as he shook his head.
“Never be sorry for needing my help. He did this, not you. I- We would all do it again if it meant keeping you safe.”
Clara practically collapsed into his body, as some people stood awkwardly, waiting for her to finish. Enjar held her protectively, he couldn’t save her then, he’d failed her then…
The least he could do was protect her now.
Clara gasped as she pulled away. “T-Thank y-y-ou” She stuttered, as Enjar nodded, smiling softly. She turned to one of the people, and they walked with her out of the court.
Enjar followed, clinging to Anna for support, leaning on his cane hard. His legs were just refusing to work… They felt like jelly.
On the way back home, he ripped his uniform off in the back seat of the car, opening his shirt with much difficulty, the tiny plastic buttons still hard for his sluggish, numb fingers to undo. Anna glanced at him in the rearview mirror.
“How you going?”
Enjar just stared out the window, silent. He only had one thing on his mind, “I need a drink.”
~~
The car pulled up into the driveway, and Anna helped Enjar to the shower. She was going to force him to clean himself whilst she had the chance.
He sat in an old lawn chair, embarrassed and humiliated as his sister cleaned him. He should be able to do this. She shouldn’t have to. Once Enjar was all cleaned up, Anna left him in his room, saying something about him needing space.
Enjar couldn’t bare it. The memories…
New memories…
All of it.
He just wanted to be numb for a few hours… just to sleep and recuperate…
Easing out of bed, he struggled to get his shoes on, grabbing his cane and walking out into the main room, Anna looking up from her quiet conversation with Stephen, who looked concerned.
“Where are you going?” She asked, looking at Enjar, who glanced at her.
“Walk. Need to clear my head.” His sister nodded, and he walked out into the frigid autumn air, his mind set on one place. He’d grabbed his wallet, filled with nothing except a bit of cash and his bank card, some ID and a few loyalty cards. He hobbled through the streets, walking towards town, making it there ages later, the streetlights clicking on above his head, buzzing slightly as he entered the store. Enjar’s mind went blank as he walked straight to the liquor aisle, finding the strongest vodka he could find and grabbing two large bottles, then he saw a bottle of wine for sale, and grabbed that too.
He took them to the counter, and as the cashier asked for ID, he fumbled with his wallet, forcing his stupid fingers to pull his card out. Grimacing, he wrestled the bank card out, his scars peeking out from under his sleeves as he moved.
The cashier checked it, doing a double take when he saw the fresh scar on his face, and the scarless face staring back at him on his ID.
There was a beep, as the card scanned, and the cashier packaged up his alcohol into a bag.
Leaving the store, Enjar sat down on the closest bench he could find, and cracked open the bottle of wine, that could be for the trip home. He took a swig of the liquid, grimacing slightly as the cheap wine danced over his tastebuds.
Holding the bag with his precious cargo in it, Enjar began the long walk home, slowly sipping the wine out of the bottle. After a while he felt woozy, and the taste of the alcohol disappeared, but most importantly, his mind was two seconds behind his eyes… and he had never felt so free.
His mind couldn’t randomly remind him of the past months of torture. He somehow ended up in front of Anna’s door, after throwing up in the driveway of a random house, stumbling inside as his sister gasped.
“ENJAR!” She practically teleported across the room, pulling him into a hug.
“You’ve been gone for almost three hours… I was about to call the police…” She looked up at him as she smiled the alcohol on his breath, and noticed the vacant look in her brother’s eyes.
“You’re drunk. What did you do?” She asked, concerned.
“I juusssswan’ed to ‘ave a fffffew drinks fffor ‘h boyyysssz…” Enjar mumbled, his words getting stuck in his mouth like a thick dough as he spoke. Anna was so relieved she didn’t notice the extra booze in the bag.
“‘m g’ng’tuh bed…” Enjar mumbled, escaping to his room to finish the bottle.
He was unsteady on his feet as he shoved the bottles of vodka under his bed and finished the bottle of wine, his unsteady mind feeling numb as the empty bottle dropped out from between his fingers and rolled under the bed. His eyes were heavy as he hiccuped, unable to keep them open…
~~
Anna yawned as she awoke. She’d gone to bed worried about her brother, but relaxed a bit when she’d found him snoring soundly, passed out in bed for the first time in forever. A flash of excitement filled her as she realised he’d slept through the night all by himself.
Creeping to her brother’s room, she saw him passed out on his stomach, an arm hanging over the edge of the bed as he snored soundly.
‘Let him sleep. He needs it.’ She thought to herself, preparing to get into work. She’d taken so much leave off, and her research wasn’t going to happen itself, and if En needed anything, he knew he could call…
Maybe he’d even sleep through the whole day? That would be good for him. He was so tired all the time now.
Anna pushed the gut feeling something was wrong aside, as she left the house. She could race back in her lunch break and check on him. Enjar would be fine for a few hours.
He would be absolutely fine.
~~
Enjar awoke to an empty house and pounding headache. He was so hungover. He’d polished off an entire bottle of wine in the span of about an hour and a half on an empty stomach, no wonder he felt like shit. He lay in bed for a while feeling sorry for himself, until he forced himself to stumble on instead feet to the bathroom to throw up.
The taste of puke filled his mouth as he threw up basically nothing, until his body mercilessly stopped.
Getting to his feet, Enjar stumbled back to his room and went back to bed, his mind beginning to think about the vodka hiding under it. Just a couple shots wouldn’t hurt.
To get him through the day.
It wasn’t bad if it helped right?
Like therapy to get him back to normal.
So he could function…
It could be like medicine.
Just a little every now and again when things got tough, like getting through a hangover or a bad flash back…
Just two or three shots wouldn’t hurt? Maybe four? Four was good, enough to numb him up enough to function. One for each of his friends.
Enjar got to his knees and pulled out a bottle. Once the three bottles he had were done, he’d be fine.
No more.
This was just for now, to get him through this rough patch.
~~
The buzz of the vodka didn’t last long, and Enjar soon found himself anxiously pacing around the house. He felt like he was being watched.
Maybe he should call Anna…
No, she was busy. He just needed another couple shots to numb himself back up. He knew that the paranoia was all in his head…
He just needed a couple shots to get it under control.
He eyeballed it as he sipped from the bottle, unable to help himself from taking a couple extra gulps.
When Anna came home, she was surprised to see Enjar slumped on the couch in the living room, snoring away. He awoke with a start when she shut the door and smiled.
“Ann?” He mumbled, pushing himself up onto his feet and shuffling towards her.
She hugged him, before frowning, leaning back and sniffing the air.
“Is that… alcohol?”
Enjar nodded, and she noticed the glazed stare in his eyes.
“You’re drunk.” She accused.
“I’m not drunk. I just had a couple drinks…” Enjar’s voice slurred ever so slightly. Anna’s eyes narrowed, as she eyed the half empty bottle of vodka on the coffee table.
“How much is a couple?”
“Like… three…” He mumbled quietly.
Anna scoffed, walking to the bottle and holding it up. “This doesn’t look like three.”
Enjar followed her, grabbing the bottle, gripping it tightly, cradling it to his chest. “I’ve had it for a while.” He lied desperately, not wanting Anna to take away his alcohol. It helped him get through the day.
He needed it.
“I won’t have any more, I promise.” He compromised.
Anna nodded, letting him take the bottle back to his room, where he sat it beside the bed. He stared at it, wondering if he was going to make it through the night without waking up screaming. He had been for weeks, and he was tired, and this was actually allowing him to sleep, at least for a while.
His gut twisted as he looked at the half empty bottle… He wanted to drink more so badly, go completely numb, but he knew it would upset his sister…
But the memories…
Turning away from the bottle, he left it in his room, coming back out to find Anna unpacking her things. He eyed them curiously, as she flicked through a book, looking at a picture.
“What are you doing?” He asked, looking at the picture. It was of an old, mummified hand, fingers curled up, and fingernails still intact.
Every detail of skin was preserved, the hand looking almost alive, if not for the dark black, almost blue colour and sheen no skin would naturally have.
“It’s one of the bodies I’m studying, this one is the Grauballe Man, who was found in Jutland. It looks like his throat was cut at the later end of the third century. His hands are so well preserved they’ve managed to get fingerprints off his fingers.”
She turned the page, showing him another man. “This is the famous one, the Tollund Man. We estimate he was hanged in around the 5th Century, on the Jutland Peninsula. The cord is still wrapped around his neck. He’s also still got his clothes.”
Enjar stared at the face, noticing the wrinkles and creases in the skin. His face was almost peaceful, eyes closed and lips relaxed, as if he was dreaming. It was crazy to Enjar’s drunken mind that a body would be preserved that well in a bog.
“I’m researching what happened to some of the bodies. Whether it be human sacrifice or uh, murder.” Anna uttered the last world quietly, but Enjar remained staring at the face.
It enchanted him.
Maybe death wasn’t so bad… peaceful even.
This guy had been hanged but he looked so… so at rest.
“Anyway,” Anna said, shutting the book as Enjar looked up, snapped out of his trance. “Stephen went out with his work friends, so it’s just you and me having dinner. I was thinking we could order in pizza?”
Enjar nodded, regretting it immediately as it made him feel nauseous.
He sighed, shuffling to the couch and plonking heavily down, his mind circling back to the vodka in his room. Should he try and sneak a shot in before the pizza came, just too keep up the buzz?
One wouldn’t hurt…
Anna came up behind him while he was lost in his thoughts and touched his shoulder. It scared him enough to make him jump forward, curling up on the ground with his hands over his head, shaking like a leaf and sobbing.
She jumped back, apologising profusely as she dropped the menu she’d been holding, watching as Enjar cried into the floor. She didn’t know what to do, as she watching him shake and hyperventilate.
Everything was so overwhelming as memories flashed in front of Enjar’s eyes in a jumbled, fucked up movie. He felt eyes watching him from every direction.
He needed to escape.
Looking around, he didn’t know where he was, but he got to his unsteady feet, tears streaming down his face and stumbled off in the direction his gut told him to escape in. He stumbled into his room, slamming the door and bursting into even more tears.
He cried for who knows how long, before he finally managed to calm down. He looked up, noticing his vodka…
He needed to do something with his hand’s to calm down...
Something to sooth him…
Reaching up for the bottle, he fumbled to undo it with his stupid, numb fingers. Ever since his attack, he’d struggled using them. Opening the vodka had been a struggle enough, but now, with his hands shaking so much it was even harder.
Somehow he managed to get the lid off and he took a large swig, swallowing the liquid and sighing as it burned all the way down.
The sensation calmed him, as took another big swig.
Leaning his head back, he felt the wall behind him, as his brain began to dull. He felt slightly guilty that he’d had more to drink, but he needed it to calm down.
He took another large gulp, before a desperate, but gentle knock at his door, and Anna’s quiet, shaking voice made him pause.
“En? Please, just let me know you’re okay…”
Enjar’s eyes moved slowly to the door, the world blurring as he did.
He tried to push himself to his feet, but his body wasn’t working. He staggered sideways, losing his balance, and colliding with the floor.
The door opened as he pushed himself to his feet, swaying unsteadily, as Anna went to rush forwards, only to stop herself. Enjar pulled himself forwards towards her, crying into her shoulder as she held him gently, rubbing his back.
“Shhh, you’re okay… You’re okay…” She tried to comfort her quivering brother. He hiccuped against her, trying to stop his crying. She didn’t mention that she noticed the vodka on the ground, emptier than before with the lid beside it…
They stayed together for a while, her hand stroking through his longer, scraggly, unwashed hair. He’d had a cropped haircut, that was pretty short on top, but now the fringe hung in his eyes and her hand ran through longer hair on the back of his head. She was able to hold it gently, securing him close to her.
He was so different… his hair, his body and his mind…
She was scared that she was going to lose her brother to this…
Enjar inhaled and pulled back, wiping his red eyes.
“Ugh… Sorry…” He muttered, shaking his hands and hiccuping again.
“You don’t have to be sorry, Enni… I should’ve been careful.”
“Can we have that… pitsch… pizza?” He asked, his eyes even more glazed over than before.
“Okay…” Anna nodded, wiping her own eyes.
She lead the stumbling Enjar back to the lounge, handing him the menu and going off to calm herself down, whilst Enjar stared at the words.
He was struggling to read as his vision blurred. Rubbing his eyes, he hiccuped again, his stomach threatening to throw up its contents, as he stared at the words.
They were nice pizzas, and the cheesy one sounded like exactly what he needed. He looked up as Anna came back into the room, pointing at the one he wanted wordlessly.
He hiccuped again.
The turning sensation in his stomach made him shiver, as he suddenly shot to his unsteady feet and rushing to the toilet. He hurled, throwing up a large, awful tasting vomit, that was basically liquid.
He’d barely eaten all day, instead downing a shot or two whenever he needed it.
He didn’t notice Anna standing at the bathroom door, hand over her face to try and cover the smell, as Enjar sweat out alcohol from his skin…
He leaned back, feeling a bit better as he wiped his mouth, weakly pushing up from the floor and washing his hands and mouth in the sink. He didn’t look Anna in the eye as he walked out of the room, back to the living area, and curled up with a blanket on the couch, waiting for his sister to order the pizza.
~~
He nibbled the cheesy pizza, smiling at the taste. It was amazing, the herbs sprinkled on top added so much flavour to the melty mozzarella.
Anna smiled, for a brief second her brother was back, only for him to disappear again when Enjar tried to take a large bite, the scar on his face stretching and hurting him. He winced a little, touching his cheek and sighing, before going back to nibbling the pizza.
He finished one slice before getting up and going to his room.
When Anna checked him, he was sound asleep, snoring away on top of his bed. He didn’t even have a blanket. She smiled and lay one over him, looking at his face. It looked peaceful, finally resting. He needed this sleep.
As she left the room, she didn’t notice that even more vodka was missing from the bottle, less than a third left, now…
“One, two…three!” Dr Jensen and François lifted Enjar to his feet. His legs shook as he clung to the nurse, taking slow steps gingerly towards the wheelchair. He was getting stronger, walking to the bathroom was now a bit easier, he wasn’t getting puffed and dizzy, but he wouldn’t make it out of the hospital on his own two feet.
Commander Sommer tentatively entered the room.
“6926.”
Enjar ignored him, wincing as he reached for his hoodie’s hood. He couldn’t do it, but Anna pulled it up for him, arranging it far over his head. Dr Jensen tucked a surgical mask over his face, obscuring it even more.
“We will get you out of here, the press have mostly disappeared, and you’ll go out the general admissions entrance, so they won’t know it was you. I hope your recovery continues going well.” Sommer recited robotically, having practised his mini-speech hundreds of times in the drive over.
Enjar continued ignoring him.
‘Fair…’ Sommer thought.
‘I want to go home…’ Enjar thought, glaring at Sommer as slumping down in the chair as Anna began to push it. She seemed surprised at how easy it was to push. Sommer followed cautiously behind, dressed in his casual clothes.
Enjar didn’t want him near them. “Tell him to go away…” Enjar mumbled at Anna.
“What was that?” Anna asked, listening as Enjar repeated himself. His throat still felt raw. He’d woken up screaming again this morning…
A little part of him didn’t think he should be released, but the hospital was anxious to get him out of their hands after the whole… Lauge incident.
Anna turned around and faced Sommer. “My brother wants you to give us some space. Perhaps you should meet us downstairs?”
Enjar tensed, his eyes flashing, “I want him gone.” He spoke loud enough for Sommer to hear.
Anna watched Sommer’s face fall.
“As you wish. I’ll see you at the entrance.”
It was 4 am, not many people were around as they walked down the hallways of the ward. François and Dr Jensen had bid him a fond goodbye, each hugging him tighthly. They looked sad, but happy to see him go.
They did like him.
Anna entered the elevator taking them to the bottom floor. Sommer took a different one.
As the doors closed, Enjar’s breathing quickened. “Enni, what’s wrong?” Anna asked as Enjar’s eyes darted around.
“Claustrophobic?” She asked, Enjar nodding as his hands gripped the arm rests of the wheelchair. He stifled a sob as the lift continued moving, the sensation reminding him too much of the helicopter…
His vision blurred as he heard his heart beat in his head, Anna’s voice distant and echoey…
“Let’s go.” Anna murmured, pulling her brother back to reality with a hug and wheeling him through the doors of the elevator to the main entrance the hospital.
It was a grand entrance, with a shining marble floor and high ceilings, big windows and balconies so you could see some of the floors. The room echoed as they walked across it, Enjar’s hands shaking as he gripped the armrest again.
“Nearly there, En…” Anna murmured, squeezing his shoulder quickly, before going back to steering.
“We’re too exposed…” Enjar whispered, glancing around for the quickest escape route. Best places for a sniper to hit Anna.
“You’re alright.” Anna whispered again.
Enjar didn’t feel alright. Sommer was too close and they were too exposed in the open… Anyone could leap out and attack them, shoot them from the balconies…
“Hurry up….” Enjar whined desperately, quivering in the chair.
Anna kept her slow, controlled pace, as she’d been told. They finally reached the door, where Sommer was waiting.
They walked across the empty car park, towards Anna’s car.
Everyone except Enjar breathed a sigh of relief. They were more exposed than ever.
Anna helped bundle Enjar into the car, then gave him his bag full of medications he still needed to take.
Enjar glared at Sommer, who looked pretty shit himself.
“Well… Good luck, Nielsen.” Sommer spoke professionally.
Enjar shot him a despising look in return.
“And- uh… I’m sorry for your loss.” Sommer said blankly.
Enjar scoffed, and unable to use his arms to slam the door in his commander’s face, he death stared him instead.
Sommer was struck by how similar it was to Anna’s.
Enjar remained glaring at the man, as Anna got behind the wheel and drove off into the mist of the cold morning.
As they drove around town in tense silence, he heard Anna’s indicator clicking, and the quiet hum of the engine. It calmed him, reminding him of the stories his mother told him, of how they used to drive around with him to put him to sleep…
Anna smiled softly as she saw her brother’s body relax against the seat, fast asleep. He was still pretty doped up, it wasn’t surprising.
When they got home, a jolt awoke En as Anna stopped the car. He jerked awake, panicked for a second, before he turned and looked at Anna’s house, relief washed over him.
He was free.
Anna thought she’d have to coax Enjar out of the car, but he couldn’t scramble out of it fast enough. However, his legs were weak, and he collapsed to his knees onto the driveway. Anna tried to help him up but he pushed her off, hissing not to touch him as he pulled himself up onto his feet.
Anna slung an arm around him and helped him inside, taking him to the guest room down the hall, she lay him down in the bed to rest.
Enjar rolled away from her, staring at the wall as she lay a blanket over him, going outside to get his stuff.
Enjar felt numb…
None of it felt real…
He just stared at the wall, unable to process his grief.
His mind was blank.
Everything suddenly felt more real. He felt very cold and alone, very exposed and vulnerable…
His mind was blank and yet racing through the memories like a jumbled playback of the weeks he’d just endured. He looked at his badly bruised elbow, where the IV had been stuck…
He rubbed the spot the on his neck where another IV had been, how he’d felt it slithering out of him in surgery… He’d been told he’d had one removed from his femoral artery too, he shuddered to think what Lauge has done to him whilst taking it out.
~~
He continued staring at the wall for hours, only realising it was dark when Anna shook his shoulder, asking him if he wanted dinner. He didn’t acknowledge her, his mind too numb to figure out what to say as it continuously looped the month of torture in his mind over and over… How he’d been attacked, over and over how the blade came down… Lauge’s hands…
Screaming awoke him, as he thrashed around, a blanket tangling itself like a snake around his limbs…
He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he was light headed as he felt two small arms wrap around him, his head being guided to something warm and soft.
Anna hushed him, rocking him from side to side, as he shook in her arms, whimpering.
He clutched her shoulders, sobbing into her pyjamas as he felt her stroking his head.
Anna held him until he calmed down, and then stayed him as she lay him down to sleep. Enjar stared at the wall as his sister snuggled up to him, one hand around his waist, holding him close.
He didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, lying awake and staring at the wall. He heard Anna wake up, but remained motionless as she sat up and left him. She thought he was asleep. He continued lying there, mind so full and yet so empty, until Anna came in and asked if he wanted food…
The pattern repeated every day, Enjar stared at the wall until his eyes forced themself shut, and he fell asleep for a couple of hours, before waking up screaming. He didn’t even remember the dreams, he couldn’t tell what was a memory or made up anymore as he stared at that damn blank wall, completely oblivious of the world around him.
He refused to eat, drink or move.
He was wasting away and there was no IV or tube or medicine that could stop him now.
~~
Anna sat Enjar up, before picking up the barely warm soup on a spoon and trying to feed it to Enjar. He was slouched, shoulders drooping, hands lying awkwardly, palms upwards as he stared at nothing.
He could barely hold up his head. He hadn’t eaten for three days. Anna sighed in frustration.
She’d used all her time off, but she’d been working all day and thinking about her brother. Enjar was losing weight by the day, eyes dull and sunken in, hair flat and lifeless, skin pale and cheeks hollow. She lifted his shirt and was horrified to see his ribs…
All that muscle and fat was gone. What shocked her even more was how easy he was to sit up. She’d been around her brother when he slightly too drunk before, and had to help him stand, but he was bigger and heavier than her, and had nearly pulled her down with him.
But now, she sat him up like he was a weighty rag doll, with little struggle at all.
She tried to put the spoon between his barely parted, chapped lips again, only for the metal to click against his teeth.
“Come on Enjar, you have to eat…” Her voice shook as she tried again. Her heart seized up in grief as he stared at nothing, unblinking, teeth still firmly clamped together.
“Come on, eat! Please! Enjar quit being a stubborn prick and just fucking eat! I can’t lose you En. I can’t lose you too, not after Mama and Papa! Stop killing yourself and just eat!” Anna dropped the spoon in the bowl and burst into tears, pressing her face into her brother’s bony chest, fists beating gently against it.
She sobbed against him until a tiny grunt inside his chest made her stop, the slow, weak, shaking arms of her brother gingerly wrapping around her.
“I’m sorry…” A faint whisper emerged between his lips.
“Eat… please…” Anna mumbled into his chest, sitting up and wiping her eyes. She picked up the spoon, and tried one more time, almost screaming with joy when Enjar relented and ate.
“You gotta build up your strength Enni, the funeral is next week.”
“I can’t go. I failed them.”
Anna sat back, her face burning red. She’d heard him say it over and over, how he’d failed his team.
“I think you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t go! They’d want you there, if not for you, for their families! If you don't, you'll hate yourself forever I know it!”
She clamped her hand over her mouth as she realised what she had said that out loud… She had just screamed her thoughts out at Enjar, who was looking at her in shock, eye wide as his body quivered a little.
Shaking, Anna sat down beside him, “En… I...”
Enjar’s jaw tightened as Anna looked at him.
Enjar deflated, looking distant.
“Fine.” He whispered.
~~
Anna watched as her brother slid on his uniform. It used to fit him perfectly, squaring off at the shoulders, his arms filling the sleeves and jacket wrapping around his chest and waist nicely.
Now, it hung from his shoulders, the shadows under his eyes making his once vibrant eyes dull, his uniform seeming less grand and shiny, less proud.
He stood hunched, looking at himself in the mirror, the scar slicing his face in two. Putting on his hat, posture straightening a little put of habit, as he slid on his gloves. The uniform, something that used to make him so proud, now enveloped him in grief.
Anna looked at him, straightening up his collar and flattening it out. Enjar leaned heavily on a cane, due to being so weak and unsteady on his feet, yet insisting on standing. The got in the car together, and drove in silence, Enjar looking to Anna. He fiddled with the cane between his legs.
“You look nice.” He murmured, looking at the subtle, tasteful, brown eye shadow and a pleasant dark red lipstick. The black dress she’d picked was one she’d worn to a dinner last year for her faculty. It was nice. Enjar wondered if she should wear it more often, it suited her.
“You’re looking good too.” She replied, glancing at her brother. He looked like a skeleton, cheeks hollow and eyes sunken…
It made her sick. But at least she was getting him to eat a little.
Sommer had offered no support to her after En had left the hospital. Not that she expected it. But she needed to help him, he wasn’t doing well, spending the entire week staring at the wall, completely dissociated.
She gripped the wheel, navigating the streets of Copenhagen to find the venue.They pulled up to the small church, Anna sitting there and staring at Enjar, who gazed at the building solemnly.
There were people in uniforms, women in black dresses with kids clinging to their legs.
“We don’t have to go in yet,” Anna began, but Enjar gripped the handle of the cane, opening to door and swinging his legs out. Anna went around to help him to his feet, only for him to push her off.
He began walking toward to crowd, everyone turning to look at him, faces quickly masking their stares. A woman, beautiful red hair swept back into a bun walked up to Enjar, and wrapped him in a hug, talking to him in a low voice as Anna watched from a distance.
He nodded, before lowering his head onto her shoulder, shoulders shaking as he began to sob.
~~
“Jón is so proud of you, Enjar.” The woman, Ava, Jón’s wife, had said to him. “Keep fighting, for him, okay? Come, you should have some time alone with them.” She nodded at the other women, the wives, the women left behind, and they walked with Enjar into the church alone.
Enjar looked at the four coffins, draped in flags, a hat, wreath and medals surrounding a photo of his friends on each one. Enjar limped toward each one, each wife following behind as he touched each cold, hard, wooden lid. It was hard to believe his friends were in each one.
Bodies, once so alive and happy, that had drunkenly sang stupid songs and wrestled with him, that had shown off baby photos and told silly stories about each other.
Lives cut short, for no reason.
Dead.
Forever.
It truly hit him at that moment, the wave of the deepest, truest grief, he’d only felt at his mother’s funeral. The heaviest, most gut wrenching grief that hollowed him out and made him shake. He stood by the coffins, silent as tears streamed down his cheeks, his mind filled with nothing as he stood staring at the ghosts of his friends.
The church was silent as they slept in their coffins, forever.
Enjar wanted to be dead in a box too.
He watched as people started filing in, and Ava put her hand on Enjar’s shoulder.
“Come, sit.”
Enjar’s heart melted as he nodded, the wives herding Anna and Enjar over to sit with them as the service started.
Important nobodies talked about the “brave and valiant, honourable souls” that had been lost. How the country was “forever in their debt,” like they were perfect saints or something.
It made Enjar mad. His brothers were being turned into martyrs, perfect angels that the agency could mourn for a week, then hang up a plaque, maybe plant a tree and forget.
The agency wiped away their personhood, turning them into faceless heroes, not the stupid, funny, flawed men they were. The people they spoke of weren’t his friends. Sure, they were valiant and brave, loyal and kind, but the way that these people described them…?
Like they had known them.
They didn’t know them!
Enjar knew them!
It was all a farce.
A glossy finish to clean this mess up neatly, and bury it, burying the truth with his friends in the ground. His comrades, his brothers ceased to be people as those nobodies spoke, turned into stories and commendations, perfect little soldiers who went diligently to their deaths, a tragic accident.
A mistake.
They were wrong.
How. Dare. They.
Enjar was there, he saw them fighting, sacrificing themselves for each other. He’d held Jan’s hand and watched the life leave him. He didn’t go peacefully and prettily, his neck had been broken from his fall and he’d died in horrific pain, suffocating and bleeding out, cold and aching.
They hadn’t seen them get murdered.
They didn’t understand how it felt to nearly die. How cold and weak and scared he was.
They didnt understand the physical, verbal and sexual abuse he’d just endured at the hands of that doctor…They didn’t understand anything!
“They don’t understand…” Enjar whispered.
Ava looked at him. “What was that?” She whispered. Enjar looked at her.
“They’re lying… It’s all to save face.” Ava’s face went hard.
She glanced at the other wives… They’d had their suspicions…
Jón had been anxious the night before, he felt everyone was rushing them. The girl who had been kidnapped was important, for some reason and it was important to get her back…
The wives had known that there was something up deep down, they’d had to fight to see the bodies of their husbands.
They’d had to fight to be able to have a say in any of their funeral affairs.
They had all grown closer, and now they were sisters in grief, they had to protect the one man they had left, the man their husbands had looked as a brother. They had to protect their brother, and get justice for their families…
Enjar’s breathing quickened as Sommer got up to speak.
“These men, where good men. Valiant men. Honorable. They were sons, brothers, fathers and husbands. And they were my friends.” The man began, with not a single emotion in his voice. Not a tear in his eye.
Only a crack and waver as he said that word.
“-friends.”
Enjar felt his heart seize. Sommer continued, pressing his eyes, as if he were trying to stop tears that were not there.
“I miss them deeply."
Enjar glared at him, Sommer catching his eye and glancing away, stuttering through the next half of his bullshit speech about peace and harmony.
Enjar grunted quietly, standing up and limping toward the stage, ripping off his hat with a shaking hand as he did. He leaned heavily of his cane as he felt the eyes of everyone burning into his back, but he didn’t care.
He stood at the steps to the stage, and dropped his hat in front of the lectern, walking away silently, down the aisle and out of the church.
Hearing Anna’s heels quickly catching up to him, he grimaced as he heard Sommer resume, knowing everyone was staring at the hat.
That last piece of the old him…
The piece that was killed that day.
This was his funeral too.
Suddenly he felt more content than he had in a while, the turmoil briefly settling for a moment, only for the world to turn back on when Anna touched his back, making him jump.
“Do you want to go home?” She asked looking concerned.
“I needed some air.” Enjar replied, wiping tears from his eyes, “I just couldn’t deal with their bullshit.”
Anna nodded, sitting with him as they waited for the funeral to end.
As it did, people got up to carry the coffins away. Enjar stood shakily, standing by the door, and he handed his cane to Anna, assuming his position: alert, back straight and chin up.
But no hat.
They wouldn’t want him wearing that.
It showed more respect to his friends, his brothers, to defy those stupid rules. Everyone lined the pathway, ready to show respects, their uniforms crisp and neat, everyone glancing to see what Enjar would do.
The pallbearers lifted his team, all of them holding back tears as they walked out of the church. Enjar was in so much pain as his arm scars stretched and burned angrily it their hyper straightened position, but he had to do this.
His facial scar pressed into the side of his glove, sending shooting pain through his head, but he continued raising his hand in a salute to his comrades.
Ava and the other wives followed, Ava holding her son’s hand in hers as they walked together.
Enjar was shaking by the time they got to the hearse. Ava reached out to him as they watched at the coffins being loaded, inviting him into their group. Enjar’s feet moved before he had time to think, as he limped along with the women.
As the coffins were loaded into the hearses, Ava collapsed into Enjar’s chest sobbing, her little 6 year old son clinging onto her leg in tears. Anna rushed over to Enjar, holding him as Ava began to wail.
Ava’s heart had shattered at that moment.
It hurt.
The second her husband’s body entered that hearse, he was ripped away from her, yet again, but now forever.
She could never have him back and all that anger and sadness she’d been keeping in finally came crashing out as Enjar lowered her to the ground.
Anna was helping Enjar stand, noticing how he was cradling his arms. He rolled up the sleeves and was massaging them, everyone staring at them in shock, until Ava looked up and screamed. She lunged at Sommer, who was walking over to the hearses, Enjar’s hat in hand.
She began wailing like a banshee, going for his eyes with her sharp acrylic nails.
“THEY’RE ALL DEAD! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!” Sommer had grabbed her wrists and was holding the ferocious woman back, as Enjar and the wives made their way over to Ava.
Enjar’s arm wrapped around one of Ava’s, helping pull her back. It was weak and shaking, and so thin and bony compared to hers.
Enjar’s jaw tightened as he grimaced and swallowed the pain.
“YOU KILLED THEM ALL! DIE! DIE! DIE!” Ava screamed, as Enjar held her to his chest. She gripped the collar of his uniform and screamed into it once more, as Sommer tried to weasel his way out of this now too.
But he couldn’t, the wives and Anna glaring at him as Enjar was surrounded by the officers from other squads, the wives and their children.
Sommer was the one in charge of making sure they all got home.
He was the one who planned their missions, took all the glory.
He was the one who did the press meetings and reports…
And he was the one who had to keep them safe.
And he didn’t.
This mess was on him, and the corruption in the organisation he was working for.Sommer sighed, walking over to Enjar as the wives pulled Ava off him, ushering her away to calm down.
“You forgot this.” Sommer mumbled, roughly setting the hat on Enjar’s head. Enjar stared at his commander blankly as he took it off and dropped it at Sommer’s feet.
“Pick it up.” Sommer hissed through his teeth. “Don’t make a scene, Nielsen. You’re better than that.”
Enjar snapped, staring down the man, his superior, and spoke up, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Keep it.”
Sommer grabbed Enjar’s wrist, trying to force him to take his hat but Enjar closed his fist. Then, the man tried to put it on his head but Enjar stepped back, sneering.
“Who’s next?” Enjar’s eyes flashed dangerously as he noticed everyone staring.
“I’m sorry?” Sommer froze, staring at his officer in shock as he shoved the hat back into his hand..
“Who’s next?” Enjar growled, “Who’s life are you going to end next, Sommer?”
The commander went red. “Nielsen. Put it on.” Sommer spat, he was not going to be disrespected in front of his colleagues like this.
“Answer my question. Who’s next? Are you just going to keep sending us in to places with no intel to die? Is that all we were in there for? To catch the bullets for Squad B?”
Sommer’s jaw dropped as Enjar continued, dropping the hat again.
“Keep it. I’m just as dead as they are.” He gestured at the coffins, being slowly driven away.
He scowled dangerously as he heard the other teams behind him, slowly walking up, their hats coming off.
One by one, each squad dumped their hats on the ground, and walked away.
Enjar glared at Sommer, a victorious grin creeping across his lips.
“You heard them.” Enjar growled, coming closer. His nose was inches away from his commander’s now. “Remember, Commander without us, you’re nothing.” He murmured the venom in his voice making his commander shiver.
Enjar walked away, shedding his jacket and pushing up his sleeves, his scars in full view as he walked to Anna.
“I’m ready to go home.” He murmured, barely able to stand. He reached for his cane, steadying himself on it.
Anna nodded, but as he was leaving, Inga, one of the wives came up to him.
“Enjar. We all wanted you to have this.” She said, holding out a large envelope for him. “We all wrote you one. You can always come to us for anything, and th-thank you…” She was sobbing as she said it, Enjar nodding, hugging her weakly.
“You can always come to me too…”
He reached for the envelope, hands shaking, barely able to hold it, Anna helping him into her car. Everyone had begun leaving, leaving Sommer alone with all the hats, staring at his superiors in embarrassment.
