hey. I figured I would christen the tags for the new endel terms we coined by just prattling on about being an extrendel for a little while. I’m thorne, by the way. content warning for uh... references to trauma and delusions and stuff.
I don’t know why, exactly, I’m a werewolf.
part of me thinks I would always be a werewolf no matter what, because I have no idea what not being a werewolf is like, and the event that made me a werewolf is a specific event I can point at and name that would never have been avoidable in any version of this world. the truth is, though, that being delusional and having delusions is a large part of being a werewolf. maybe I would still be a werewolf if I weren’t delusional, but my delusions still contribute to that identity. at least in part, and in some ways, my delusions are why I’m a werewolf.
I’m different from a lot of alterhumans and nonhumans because there was a specific moment that I became nonhuman. it has to do with trauma so I won’t go into it much, but another crucial piece of information is that our delusions and psychosis have a complicated relationship to our trauma and other mental health symptoms. they are linked and related in ways that make them sometime feed into one another or interweave together. when I say my nonhumanity is caused by delusions, I also mean it was caused by trauma, because all three of those things (me being a werewolf, specific trauma, delusions and other psychotic symptoms) are linked in my experience.Â
a common misconception is that this means my nonhumanity is yet another symptom that should be cured and is entirely negative and unhealthy, therefore “feeding into it” (validating my identity) is wrong. it goes without saying that non-delusional people have no say in what is and isn’t healthy or acceptable for us and our treatment, but this idea actually caused me much stress. for a while, even I thought like this. I thought that “thinking I was a werewolf” (I am a werewolf, and somehow I thought saying like that and denying it would help push it away) was just some weird symbolic symptom that I had to get rid of in order to be acceptable and normal. you can already see how unhealthy that mindset was.
I can say for certain that I would not have survived without becoming a werewolf. it genuinely saved me. it wasn’t like a copinglink, where it made me feel better and I voluntarily took it on as a coping mechanism. something happened, and through a culmination of various life experiences, I was suddenly a werewolf. I hated it, when it first happened, but it just happened, and over a very long time I learned to live with it. now I just am. it’s just a part of me, of who I am, the same way other parts of me are, and learning to live with it healthily and not hate myself for being it has been so much healthier than the years I spent trying to get rid of my identity and pretend like I was human. yes, it is caused by delusions. trying to fight my identity and be something I wasn’t only made those delusions worse and more destructive. now that I don’t fight it anymore, my delusions are almost entirely non-harmful and my other symptoms and self esteem issues have gotten better. it was ableism and other restrictive ideologies (especially ones in alterhuman/kin communities) that were making my identity such hell to deal with, not just being myself.
I hope we can meet and talk to other endels and psychotic or delusional nonhumans. this has honestly been really fucking isolating and the “delusional attachment” community (which we have many issues with, story for another day) has been the only somewhat similar experience we could find. even that is very different, but like I said, delusional attachments are their own rambling post. my point is just that I’m really fucking glad to finally have words to describe this experience I spent so long being ashamed and scared of. if you’re another endel who wants to share their experiences or talk about them with other endels, please reach out. there are other people like you out there if you just take a look.
