#emptiness.

I'm lost in my grief. Paralysed. I stare into space. Conversation is unimportant white noise distracting me from my absent mind. I am empty, but a shell. Nothing consoles me. I'm stagnant in the murky muddy muck.. Sinking.. Stuck. People look at me but they don't see I'm dead inside. They are distracted, preoccupied, self involved, they honestly just don't want to see because there's nothing they can do. So the charade continues. I pretend I'm a functioning human being but I'm on auto pilot. The lights are on but no body's home. I'm lost in the emptiness of my grief and I just stare into space.

May kasalanan ka. May kasalanan ako. Nasa tao nalang yan kung pano ka magrereact. Madaming pwedeng gawin. Ignore and let the grudges eat you ng buong-buo. Give someone a cold shoulder para mafeel niya na may nagawa syang masama sayo pero on the reality of life yung kabilang party eh hinde talaga alam kung anong nagawa niya sayo. Maiinis ka kasi di ka nila maintindihan or hinde ka nila magets. Pano naman kung they are thinking the same way about you? Ano yun, nganga na lang kayo? Ang sama ko ba? Hirap na hirap nako sa pakikipag-compromise. Alam ko naman yun eh. First time kong napabilang sa isang group talaga. All my life naging freelancer ako pagdating sa pakikipagkaibigan. Siguro yung mga taong medyo kilala pa lang ako masasabing napaka-sociable o friendly ko. Totoo yun. Napakadali sakin makipag-socialize. Madali kitang magiging kaclose. Pero hirap talaga ako pagdating sa maintenance eh. May impulse ako na kumikilos, nagsasalita or nagrereact ng hinde nag-iisip and aware ako na madaming panget na nangyayare sa ugali kong yun. Sobrang bilis ko din magsawa at bumitaw. Sobrang impatient ko rin. And I'm trying to change that. Hinde lang talaga ako sanay sa pakikipag-kapwa tao. Pasensya mga dre. 

you've destroyed me.