#emptier posts

i keep just wanting to beg them to be nice to me, to give me the kinds of affection and love i want and need from them, but i feel so fucking weak and i hate them for making me ask.

some part of me wants to break up with her, i feel like i'm being dishonest with her about how much i actually want her vs how much i want the life she offers me. i love her as a friend and i find her captivating in all the ways a romance should work, but i just... i feel like it's never enough. it's never enough.

i fucking hate being vulnerable so much i fucking despise being so transparently lesser and missing so many key components of whatever makes other people complete. i fucking hate the fact i'm expected to be any of this at all-- a person, an equal. can't i just be nothing and let that be? can't i just give up and you give up to? please?

god it's so embarrassing to be reliant on others for supply. a couple of friends wished me a happy birthday, but they weren't the friends i idealize so i didn't care, and i resent the fact the others haven't said it to me yet, or unprompted, or enthusiastically enough. i fucking hate being this sensitive about everything.

finding out my façade of decorum and amicability can be seen straight-through if i'm even remotely triggered or upset is disheartening. i spend so much time fawning and poising, working so hard to take the hits on the chin and keep rolling, only to find out that apparently it is just transparently obvious i'm tilted. pathetic.

every conversation leaves me feeling humiliated and resentful, it's honestly ruining my life.

i don't know how anyone manages to unmask for longer than brief moments, every time i try it just slips back on. even around my partner, i can't stop masking and can't relax properly. i need help.

so is it even possible to actually get enough supply, or are we forever doomed to cycle between begging for more, feeling pathetic about said begging, and then feeling resentful of others for not giving it to you automatically?