I had to meet with a councilor the other day on my off class period cause blah blah blah evaluations and I said I “felt terrible or nervous for no good reason a lot” cause that’s what it feels like or how I’m made to feel. Sometimes I just feel like shit and having to do anything makes me cry and I just can’t get up. But the councilor said something that really hit me. “I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself. It’s not for no good reason, it’s for an old reason that’s not prevalent anymore that you’re still living through, and that’s just as important and valid.” And I dunno I think that’s really important to remember. That it may seem like there’s no reason to feel like that but there is and those feelings are still worth acknowledging.
I struggle a lot with my trauma and ptsd and more often than not I find I’ve fallen into the habit of invalidating my long term reactions to it. When I’m in a depressive slump I’m always met with “What’s wrong?” “Why are you tired, you didn’t do anything?” “You need to do [X], then you can lie down.” And those things other people said ingrained into my brain and I took them to heart but I shouldn’t have. No one should.
We’re all just trudging through our old baggage, old trauma, old scars, trying to get through it each day when we don’t seem to see why we’re moving so slowly. But there’s always a reason and it’s important to know that and to say “Sometimes I feel like shit. The day is harder than usual, the tiny tasks seem worse than anything, and I feel like breaking down. And that’s okay, there’s a reason, and I’ll get through it one day.”
