I had to meet with a councilor the other day on my off class period cause blah blah blah evaluations and I said I āfelt terrible or nervous for no good reason a lotā cause thatās what it feels like or how Iām made to feel. Sometimes I just feel like shit and having to do anything makes me cry and I just canāt get up. But the councilor said something that really hit me. āI donāt think youāre being fair to yourself. Itās not for no good reason, itās for an old reason thatās not prevalent anymore that youāre still living through, and thatās just as important and valid.ā And I dunno I think thatās really important to remember. That it may seem like thereās no reason to feel like that but there is and those feelings are still worth acknowledging.
I struggle a lot with my trauma and ptsd and more often than not I find Iāve fallen into the habit of invalidating my long term reactions to it. When Iām in a depressive slump Iām always met with āWhatās wrong?ā āWhy are you tired, you didnāt do anything?ā āYou need to do [X], then you can lie down.ā And those things other people said ingrained into my brain and I took them to heart but I shouldnāt have. No one should.
Weāre all just trudging through our old baggage, old trauma, old scars, trying to get through it each day when we donāt seem to see why weāre moving so slowly. But thereās always a reason and itās important to know that and to say āSometimes I feel like shit. The day is harder than usual, the tiny tasks seem worse than anything, and I feel like breaking down. And thatās okay, thereās a reason, and Iāll get through it one day.ā
