#emojinal

im crying

because people would tell me my little project, drawing, whatever, is cool, and id be happy, and that was that.

but id get back to my room.

and id start to hate what id made, because at its very root, it was stupid. id realize the premise was half-baked. i couldnt show any enthusiasm about it anymore. id wish that i had never shown it to anyone.

and id wish...

id wish i could work on bigger things

things that i actually cared about, that were done in ways that made sense, with people who were really good at what they did and really cared about what they were doing, just for what it was, not for how it would look on their resumé, not to make connections, just to get it right. i promised i could bring something to the table,

even though i had no actual skill,

and i didnt really know what i had.

and people would ask me why i was studying one thing when i wanted to be scratching away at another, and i never liked my answer.

id say, because its interesting. but maybe i wanted a backup plan, because i didnt really believe in myself. i didnt know why i couldnt just choose one, or why i was still doing either.

but ira glass knew it was because i had taste. thanks, mr. glass.

mom knew too. she always told me. thanks mom.

and my friends too. thanks to all my friends who were so happy for me when i told them the news. thanks to rohil and nick and lucas...

“hey, taichi, so i was talking to nick and lucas the other day, and we were like, taichi should be a designer.”

because now i am one.

i never felt comfortable calling myself a designer, because it presupposed that i had the skill and knowledge and understanding for it, when i had nothing i could confidently show for it.

but now i am one.

not a prestigious one, not an influential one, just one who will have a desk and a computer this summer at an office in the city.

and the things that i make will be seen and used by more than just 5 people. and my ideas will be heard. and ill have an opportunity.

but by no means have i made it.

because one day, i want to be on a team. the team will create things that are absolutely beautiful. and i study what i do, because itll be beautiful in a way that’s barely possible.