#emmaspeaks

20/11/23

I forgot I had this account. Essentially a live journal for young me. Every time I read old journals I’m struck by the stress and anxiety I felt. I always look back to see the young me so worried about things that aren’t even important. The most intense and emotional moments get replaced with new more intense and emotional moments. I look back and think young me had it easy. But really, I’ve just acquired more knowledge and life experience.

2023 has been the worst year of my life

It’s been a year of pain. It started with terrible mental and physical health battles, having to leave a 6 year long relationship with my first love, losing contracts and my business suffering big time, getting blackmailed to leave a teaching job I loved, losing all the close friends I had through my ex-partner, my grandfather dying, all 4 funding applications I spend months preparing getting rejected, a debilitating existential crisis, my savings draining away, someone stealing my hard work and ideas and profiting off them.

The list is arduous and I feel like shrivelling up inside a shell.

But in this pain, there really has been beauty.

A trip to Italy, reconnecting with old school friends and finding girlfriends and a support network that I’ve always dreamed of, the Barbie Movie, running, starting a book club and rediscovering the love for reading again, gaming alone and having fun.

I’ve never liked going to sleep. I enjoy sleeping and I definitely dread waking up, but the process of going to sleep is something I’ve always hated.

As a little girl I would lay awake in my bed for what felt like hours staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t tired and sleeping didn’t feel necessary when there were so many fun things I could be doing; like playing the keyboard or reading my Barney books.

The older I got, the more I hated going to sleep. I would lay at the end of my bed and read young adult novels in the beam of light cast from the corridor. Slowly graduating to more mature ways to pass the time, like reading xrated fanfic and googling sex questions.

I hated going to bed. It meant choosing to turn my brain off. It meant saying, I’m content for today and it’s time to wait for my body to turn off. Ew, no thanks. The idea of waiting in the nothingness for sleep to arrive, sounds worse than waiting in line for a table in Chinatown on a Friday night; at least you can chat in line.

But then you come along, and falling asleep becomes a ritual we share. Surrendering to the nothingness doesn’t feel like waiting alone anymore. In the moments of waiting with you, I experience the a subtle joy that allows me to release into sleep. Your exposed back, a little colder than my body, presses against my chest. I reach up and twirl your soft copper hair, feeling the strands glide through my fingers smoothly. My face rests in the spot between your shoulder blade and your neck. Feeling the softness of your skin and being lulled by the rhythm of your breath. With inhales we expand into each other, and with exhales into a place of unconsciousness.

As the blanket of sleep washes over me 1 2 3 kisses on the back of your neck. The ends of your hair tickle my lips and my senses are engulfed with your scent. Uniquely you, you smell like you. Nothing in the world could describe it. There is no better smell. I want to kiss you again but the unconsciousness is pulling me into the depths of sleep.

I like this.

Well it seems I’m stressed when I’m not acting and I’m stressed when I am acting. What career have I chosen?

The show I’ve written and am in, is opening next week and I still feel like I haven’t done enough work on it. I’m not sure I feel confident in my ability to showcase my best self, and I feel like I’m letting people down including myself. But at the same time I feel excited and happy to share this show, my baby, to the world. I have such a supportive team that I’ll be forever gratefull for. God has blessed me so much during this process and I just need to chill out.