#emilion

They did this with one member of the system who has since become more and more absent from the front. Other members of the system love reading and tried to make up for their lack of fronting by talking to them about books. The result has been that they... Don't really like it. And we don't know what to do. They very strongly separate us from each other and feel that they're bonding with us individually. Which means they're lacking bonding time with the original member.

Now, that's not the only issue there is about this. We use Goodreads to keep track of our reading. Which also means that the moment we finish a book, we write a review (mostly for us to remember what the fuck is going on). We did with this book, a book we haven't read before (otherwise we've read the ones up until now before). Then the member they originally agreed to do this with went inside and has since not fronted. There's a big time difference between us, and this member decided that they're so excited for this book that they want to talk to this friend about it once they wake up. By the time they did, the member was no longer fronting.

The review was posted Thursday, and this friend expressed hurt by this yesterday. They tried to tell us they're no longer salty about it and it caused so much guilt. It wasn't so much that they expressed hurt. It was the way they do it. They make it feel like it was a deliberate attempt to hurt them, and no matter the explanation, they keep going back to the hurt. Furthermore, they keep "count" of the times we mess up on this.

We don't know how to express that it's genuinely hurtful for us to feel like we're walking on a tightrope with them. It's been 2 books since we messed up yet the mess up is still "counted". It makes us terrified of reading with them because what if we enjoy it wrong? They've proven twice now that if we don't exhibit hype at the right time and in the right way, they'll "punish" us by showing less hype. Or disinterest. And they reason this with "I feel this way now".

We don't think they're lying. But we wish we knew how to handle this in a way that doesn't leave so much fear.

We likely won't bring this up because the fight isn't worth it. They'll get angry, they'll say they don't care about it anymore and they'll shut it all down and we have to work months, years, to convince them that we care. Even if we're right here. They'll reason it as protecting themselves against hurt (which they are. They never get this upset if it's not because we struck a soft spot).