All the time and energy I’ve put into building relationships. In my darkest moments, I doubt these people even care for me at all.

I show up consistently. When’s it my turn?

When’s it my turn to be messaged first? To be invited? To have people want to hang out and make time for me? To remember when I plan things? To adjust their schedule to wanting to hang out with me?

you are not a good friend.

we sit here, calling ourselves friends, but never have you ever treated me like a friend.

i’m learning i just expect too much of people. basic human decency, communication, just regular old respect. too fucking much.

i push myself out of my comfort zone for the people i love. showing effection, being open, communicating openly. you think that comes to me naturally? fuck no. i fucking hate it, it makes me uncomfy. but i do it anyway.

because any kind of relationship fails without it. i tried so hard. unbelievably hard. i still try. and you still shut me out, ignore me, avoid me.

The past couple months, I’ve had time to reflect on my own naivety.

I’ve realised how much time I really need to process things, to make up my own mind about how I want to handle something without feeling like my opinions are being swayed by others.

Embarrassingly, I trust people that I shouldn’t over and over again, tell them my thoughts and feelings when I know deep down that they’d use that info against me later on if they needed to. I think I just like feeling listened to, but I just choose the wrong people to share things with.

I express my hurt and anger too quick. I should really just start writing letters to people and burning them so the thoughts die with me.

I’m turning 24 on Sunday. It feels almost silly for these things to be finally setting in now. But I guess I shouldn’t scold myself for learning and growing, for making mistakes and seeing the consequences. I wanna take accountability when I know I’ve been a cunt and stand up for myself when I know I’m being fucked over.

The past month has put so much into perspective for me. I just want peace. Peaceful friends who make me happy and who I can make laugh and bring joy to, too. I want to try and actually write and sing and do something creative. I want to put myself out there more.

I’ve given so much of my time to people who continue to make me feel like shit and isolate me. No more. 24 is gonna be a year of unlearning my own toxic traits, focusing on myself and maintaining friendships with people who put the same amount of time and effort into me as I do for them and finally fucking posting some kind of music, even if it’s just covers.