#ellejb13

my rage. hm. how do I. manage? it? aha ha

the rage is constant and unceasing. I understand that it feels fresher now, and sharper, because what’s different about right now is our inability to escape the things that enrage us; the ubiquity of it. we’re in the midst of a mass radicalization that is caused, in part, by its inescapability. yeah, same, I’m following all the rules and staying home and nobody else is and I’m losing my mind. I feel uninspired and frustrated and there is nothing for me to think about but doom; the only new toys my brain ever gets is continuously evolving worst-case scenarios. I miss people, I miss conversation, I miss feeling I still had the capacity to act, to stabilize my own mental health. this is not being alive and we know exactly who is responsible; he’s right there, fully within reach and plainly unhinged, and yet somehow, nobody has done anything to stop him. it confounds me in a way that eclipses my ability to reason my way through this.

thankfully you asked how to manage it, not soothe it, because I can’t do that. but manage it by giving yourself rest. you are chronically overstimulated, so start there. scheduling hours away from social media will not make you any less empathetic or less informed. I know they say don’t look away, but there’s a difference between informing yourself and disorienting yourself. 

ohhhhh myyyyy goddddd an unironic L’CHAIM (also MAZEL) to you and your soft science prince and darling sir earz! what wonderful news, congratulations! I actually do have a very good piece of advice for this and I will save it for monday because IT IS THAT VALUABLE. it’s technically wedding planning advice but it is also proven effective sooooo future success guaranteed!

yeah I have been largely avoiding the internet until very recently (also got absolutely nothing done from wednesday onwards) and only newly feel as if I’m surfacing from a cloud of trauma. I had the mental faculties to do three things: watch The Queen’s Gambit, order chicken strips, and reread the same romance novel 3 times

anyway yes this story was very much my method of coping with the world around me as it became increasingly horrific and frustrating, so while I understand leaving the story alone until now, it was always intended to be a chance to breathe. I think @caspergirlie​ once asked me if I would ever write something like the book Red, White, and Royal Blue and I said no because as much as I loved it, I don’t have it in me to invest so long in a political utopia that’s so distant from reality; for me fiction is always a reflection of the world we’re in, and that kind of HEA is fantasy in a beautiful but implausible way. so The Princess’s Guide to Popular Statecraft was my opportunity to write a politically driven story in a way that felt true to my observations of what’s good and what’s frustrating about the world, by being honest and authentic about our place in it. I didn’t love that I was addressing extreme privilege in a time of have-nots, but I do think I did as much with it as I could by focusing on the parts of human experience (and the female experience) that are true and in some sense universal. I’m very glad that meant something to you

Aside from that, they generally were fair towards me because they had a perception that I knew what I was talking about. i honestly think this is just because the other woman was more expressive (emotional 🙃). We stopped playing because I made myself annoying as hell by pointing out every single time they were saying something sexist.

ah yes, the miracle of life, though the alternative would be its own unique form of torment, I imagine. if it isn’t one thing, it’s another, as they say. greener grass et cetera et cetera

my experience of correctly guessing the gender of other people’s babies is all one enormously unscientific projection rooted in my observation of my mother’s pregnancies with my brother and sister respectively. apparently the Old Wives™ disagree with my instincts, but an especially unwieldy pregnancy (particularly if it fucks with your skin and hair) usually spells boy in my experience, presumably because the patriarchy is already leeching from you in some way or another. so I’m officially calling penis, though I’ll also be perfectly delighted to be wrong

p.s. i’m on "pelvic rest" right now AKA doctor sanctioned no sex OR MASTURBATION (the cruelty) so your smut is killing me

woof pelvic rest certainly sounds cruel and unusual, I hope this is not an indefinite state of things. hoW will you be able to resist sam???? (actually unknown who is the most sexually enticing lead male in the collection, depends what you like—I would say the male archetypes arguably include a draco, a theo, a harry, and a percy. pls keep me informed)

Ughhhhh Warren dropped out today BEFORE MY PRIMARY. I am so upset. I imagine you are too. Just came to commiserate, I guess. Gonna go blast Nightmare by Halsey for a few hours bye love u

lol I was just sitting down to talk about this with you. I’m obviously going to rant now, so don’t take this as me shouting at you or anything… it’s just me shouting because I’m angry and frustrated and sad.

so, okay. I’m really upset about warren. once again it feels like a woman who was twice as prepared as anyone else in her field lost a popularity contest (I have seen this date referred to as ‘11/9/2016 lite’ and I agree), and yeah, maybe I have no place making this about resonance, but I’ve been that woman too many times. sometimes being a woman in this country feels absolutely fucking pointless. honestly? my first response to the outcome of the weinstein trial was  that it was not enough. I am not satisfied. almost no sentences are fully served and weinstein has enough money and clout to file countless appeals, which means a 5 year sentence at 50% (at which point he’d be eligible for parole, unless the sentencing judge disallows it) with time served (meaning the time he spends in jail awaiting sentencing will count towards his prison sentence) could very well mean he never sets foot in prison. and I will never forget how I felt the day of the kavanaugh hearing.

so when elizabeth warren came down like a fucking hammer on bloomberg, when she said on national tv “I believe the woman” without a blink of doubt, that spoke to me in a way no male candidate has or probably ever will. why did I vote for her? I like her policies, yes, but I like that she sat there and looked that male reporter in the eye and she fucking said what reason would she have to lie? I believed in her for that alone.

I’m tired of having to consider likability or electability. it’s bullshit. look, nobody is perfect. more often than not we will have to choose politicians throughout our lifetimes who have said or done regrettable things; it’s the nature of the position, and we just have to choose the best of our options. I am lucky that during my lifetime I have believed strongly in two presidential candidates: barack obama and elizabeth warren. I cast my very first vote for obama and thought I would forever find politicians I could believe in. I was wrong.

I said I would never speak poorly about the other democratic candidates but I will tell you that on a personal level, I do not believe in them. I have said many times that I like bernie’s policies, but I am fundamentally irritated by the fact that he had a goddamn heart attack and then, rather than immediately dropping out to throw his weight behind a more viable candidate, he stayed in the race. I’m sorry, but can bernie live eight years? because we need him for eight years. can he live four? the office of president of the united states is, lightly put, a stressful job. did he have to be the person to put his policies into effect? does he truly believe he’s the only candidate who could continue his work towards good? sorry, but for me it reeks of male ego. there are younger politicians who have and will continue to take up bernie sanders’ work. do not get me wrong—I don’t mean to be ageist, I don’t mean to discredit his political history or his life’s work or his beliefs. I do, however, have a more longsighted interest in the future of this country than simply this one electoral win, because if we don’t put someone in office who can hold it, we will see a loss in 2024 and start this cycle over again.

it is fundamentally crucial to have a democrat stronghold so that we can put liberals on the supreme court and in the cabinet. we must rebuild the programs this administration chipped away. we need to keep the house and flip the senate. I will vote for whoever will fill this country’s bureaucratic positions with people who do not occupy the far right and if it hurts my stomach to do it, if it pushes my morality, if it forces me to look the other way on things I would have rather fought against, I don’t care. this system is not good. it needs fixing. incremental changes are important. 

I said this as a joke once, but I’m totally serious. in the words of the immortal cinematic masterpiece frozen II: