#ella thought

He strikes me as the type of kid who really didn't give a single fuck. Not a one. He was doing his own thing and having fun and being good at it, and whether he had friends or not really wasn't a concern for him because it's not like he wanted to hang out with other gross stupid kids. He was a haughty nonchalant child who didn't even register any kind of bullying attempt from fucking Jimmy, bc who cares about Jimmy?

Any kind of feeling of inadequacy came after puberty when other kids started being slightly more interesting and complex and he became the younger kid on his teams instead of just one more of the lot. When hockey practice actually started to need some team synergy and the dynamics changed on him.

But before that, that kid wasn't shy, and he was having a wonderful time

Let's recap, he:

Doesn't talk to Shane when he first arrives until they're both in the bedroom, still no hi

Asks him to be on top because he wants to "look at him"

Calls him "Sweetheart" as he comes

Initiates uncharacteristic cuddles complete with "adoring" face kisses (words by shane, who is getting freaked out, understandably)

Asks him to stay the night

Asks him to stay the night?

Stocks his drink of choice (that hasn't been mentioned in the whole book and shane thinks its fucking weird he knows what his beer replacement is? Understandably again)

Cooks for him (shane is thinking delivery, Ilya says no I'll make sandwiches)

Gets weird about Shane drinking the ginger ale

Starts to prod shane about him liking women

Actually just starts a really weird convo with him? Like guys, it's even weirder in the book

(I'm skipping the whole call from Grigory thing bc that's not something that Ilya did)

They keep watching hockey in silence and Ilya basically puts Shane in a spooning position in the couch for a cuddle and playing with his hair before initiating more sex

Blurts out his name as he comes

After shane backtracks he does this weird little "no this is nothing hollander but also you forgetting a team meet give me a more convincing lie" while basically asking daring him to stay with his eyes

WRONG! Without Ilya, Shane would have accepted he was gay much sooner. He wouldn't have had any other choice.

So, I know this sounds counterintuitive, what do you mean sleeping with a man for years stalled Shane's gay realization?

Well, walk with me.

For starters, Shane in HR is not delusional enough to think he is straight, he knows he's attracted to men, he knows and accepts this even if he doesn't like it. But he's clinging to the idea that he's also attracted to women, that he's bisexual.

It's all about not having found "the right woman" yet. And this is why in canon he accepts it quickly after Rose, because Rose IS that perfect woman. If he didn't feel attracted to her, he wasn't going to be attracted to anyone else.

And his attraction to men in general, while definetly present, was just not that strong. He goes and has mediocre sex with two men who aren't Ilya, and has mediocre sex with women. Rozanov then doesn't become proof he likes men more, he becomes an anomaly. Men in general are as lackluster as women.

The answer then is that he needs to find the Rozanov of women. He's waiting for that, for another, female, anomaly.

If Shane had never met Ilya, the reactions he would have to other men would only be compared to the ones he has to women. Eventually he would have slept with some dude, and it wouldn't have been mindblowing sex.

If you're going to frott or jack off two dicks at the same time without a condom, it's not safe sex

If you're gonna give a blowjob without a condom (especially if you're a hockey player and your gums are bruised to hell) it is not safe sex

If your fluids are touching the other person's fluids around the place where those fluids come from... It is NOT. SAFE. SEX.